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post #31 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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If you had a friend who you found so utterly irritating and annoying, how long would you keep them as your friend?

I just hope that your irritation and annoyance with him will not become disdain or even worse.
I think repulsion has come from actually being married to him and feeling trapped. If I wasn't I would like to think it would go away. By the way, he is OCD. He showers 3 times a day and still smells. I have tried to bring this up with him several times and he just gets angry and turns it back on me. SO I have given up.

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post #32 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:28 PM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

I have to say, man that's crappy.

I'm afraid I haven't read all the responses but I would imagine that a few of them have a pretty sharp edge. I hope I'm not piling on the crap.

It's unfortunate that we can't make ourselves dislike the things that are bad for us and love the things that we should love, life doesn't work like that. If it did I would hate chocolate cake and love my waist line, but alas its not that simple.

There are so many women out there that love the bad boys. They represent danger, excitement, thrills and the good guys represent boredom, routine and safety, eventually (with a little luck and a few bad experiences) they learn from the many hurts they endure and come to appreciate the men that aren't that way. I want to make sure I point something out here, you'll notice I said "bad boys" and "men". and that's because that's what they are. Boys that are immature selfish and destructive versus Men that do what's right and do right by their family's and their loved ones because that is what a man is.

I'm not sure why it is that you never grew out of that phase and keep in mind I don't condemn you for it, but what ever it is, it is the same self destructive path that you will end up going down again if you allow yourself. I feel sorry for both you and your husband. It's unfortunate for you being in a position of knowing what is right and you simply can't find yourself the strength to want it. Its unfortunate for your husband to be in the situation of having placed faith and love into a person that simply cant reciprocate it. Most importantly it is unfortunate for the two kids that you've brought into the world.

Even if you are able to endure continuing on in your relationship for now eventually it will be at your own destruction as you will gradually hate your life until you spiral into a depression that you can't cope with. The time to have had this epiphany was before you had kids because you have made them the casualties of this.

Nobody should be forced into staying simply because it's the right thing for everybody but you but at the same token is it fair to make everybody else pay the price because you couldn't be honest with yourself from the start. Nobody should be forced to live a life where they are deprived of feeling the euphoria of loving somebody and the joy that brings into your life.

I'm so, so sorry for all of you. I don't envy you as there will be no winners on this one.

Our lives are a novel and we, the authors. if you don't like the story line, only you have the power to change it.

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post #33 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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No fighting, no abuse either verbal or physical, no addiction issues, infidelity issues nil. A calm, harmonious home and family and you want to rip your children's happy lives apart?? Seriously???

Did you think about this before you had your first child? The second?
I have had counselling on and off my whole life, I have always faced my past and done as much as I possible can to be the best person I can be and get over it. I think I have worked through as much as I can and it's not something that is in the forefront of my mind at all anymore. As far as children. I honestly thought I could work on the chemistry, and that if I continued to work on myself then I would learn to love my husband. However the better I get, the worse I feel about him. Sometimes I feel like if he worked on his issues and tried to become more self aware I might love him more, but then I let that go too because I feel like if I loved him in the right way I would just accept those things. As far as the kids go. There will be no TEARING their lives apart! My husband and I have agreed on everything including bringing them up in the same home (we will do the moving), finances, 50/50 co-parenting, family time together, holidays. We have never argued about any of the big stuff like that in the past and we trust each-other %100. Of course this will affect them and that absolutely breaks my heart and scares the hell out of me. However how bad is it for them to have non loving parents as an example of what love should look like?
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post #34 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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I have to say, man that's crappy.

I'm afraid I haven't read all the responses but I would imagine that a few of them have a pretty sharp edge. I hope I'm not piling on the crap.

It's unfortunate that we can't make ourselves dislike the things that are bad for us and love the things that we should love, life doesn't work like that. If it did I would hate chocolate cake and love my waist line, but alas its not that simple.

There are so many women out there that love the bad boys. They represent danger, excitement, thrills and the good guys represent boredom, routine and safety, eventually (with a little luck and a few bad experiences) they learn from the many hurts they endure and come to appreciate the men that aren't that way. I want to make sure I point something out here, you'll notice I said "bad boys" and "men". and that's because that's what they are. Boys that are immature selfish and destructive versus Men that do what's right and do right by their family's and their loved ones because that is what a man is.

I'm not sure why it is that you never grew out of that phase and keep in mind I don't condemn you for it, but what ever it is, it is the same self destructive path that you will end up going down again if you allow yourself. I feel sorry for both you and your husband. It's unfortunate for you being in a position of knowing what is right and you simply can't find yourself the strength to want it. Its unfortunate for your husband to be in the situation of having placed faith and love into a person that simply cant reciprocate it. Most importantly it is unfortunate for the two kids that you've brought into the world.

Even if you are able to endure continuing on in your relationship for now eventually it will be at your own destruction as you will gradually hate your life until you spiral into a depression that you can't cope with. The time to have had this epiphany was before you had kids because you have made them the casualties of this.

Nobody should be forced into staying simply because it's the right thing for everybody but you but at the same token is it fair to make everybody else pay the price because you couldn't be honest with yourself from the start. Nobody should be forced to live a life where they are deprived of feeling the euphoria of loving somebody and the joy that brings into your life.

I'm so, so sorry for all of you. I don't envy you as there will be no winners on this one.
Thanks for your insightful message. I don't remember ever mentioning anything about not growing out of "wanting the bad boys". I have absolutely no desire for this and in fact the thought of them makes my stomach churn. In fact, I'm not even wanting a new partner and haven't really even thought about it. The bad boys thing was 20 years ago!! I'm nearly 40 now and have turned my life around by VERY hard work, continuous therapy, fitness, health, learning my faults and working through issues. This is a case of making a choice only with my head and leaving my heart behind, and my heart is battling with me every day. You have to remember, I thought I was doing the RIGHT thing. And in a way I probably was. Unfortunately now, things haven't improved but gotten worse as how I feel towards my husband. As he has OCD and a few other issues - I sometimes wonder that if he had worked on himself as much as me things might be better.
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post #35 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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First, you move into the spare room and let your husband have the bedroom since you're the one who isn't happy.

Second, you enjoy the chase so tell your husband to stop treating you like an entitled princess.

Third, you can change your feelings for him. Get therapy and redefine your definition of love. Once the lightbulb goes on, you may experience the physical attraction. All marriages require work. And, physical attraction will only take you so far in a relationship.
Thanks for your message, through loads of therapy I have found that unfortunately my feelings towards him have not changed. As far as bedrooms go. I insisted that he had the bedroom but he would NOT do it. He wants to give me the space i'm craving. I would give and arm and leg to change the way I feel. Hopefully when we see the therapist again together we can keep trying to achieve this.
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post #36 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:52 PM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

It sounds like you have everything figured out.

This is going to sound condescending, but it's not. It's honest.

What were you wanting to gain from posting?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #37 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 04:56 PM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Maybe if he WOULD do stuff like giving you the bedroom you've have more respect for him. He sounds like somewhat of a doormat.

Would you rather he 'make love' to you or **** you? If he did **** you once in a while would that help? I only ask because I wish my husband would do that to me, but he won't, and I resent it.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #38 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 05:07 PM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

If this man is showering 3 times a day and still smells, please get him to a doctor or dentist. Something isn't right. Even if you don't stay with him, insist that he be checked out.
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post #39 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 05:14 PM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Okay AJ,

just for kicks i went back to your original statement/question....do you want to take a guess how many times you used I/me vs. we? 45 vs. 5,

look at your questions....you may have shed the bad girl images, you may have shed the going after bad boy, but what you have not shed and have carried into your marriage and exist still today... is this self-centerness.....your needs, your wants, your dream over everyone else...your accomplishments, your successes, you do not talk about the love for your children, i suspect the rule in the house is "if mommy ain't happy no one else is"....let's go back to the number of I/me to we's....that tells me a lot and if you were really honest with yourself you would take ownership of that....and demonstrates a very sad character flaw. Are your needs greater than anyone else in the family....i suspect the kids have a warmer relationship with your husband than with you....i do not say this to be mean but for you to be reflective. Your a very selfish person.
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post #40 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 05:21 PM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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Thanks for your insightful message. I don't remember ever mentioning anything about not growing out of "wanting the bad boys". I have absolutely no desire for this and in fact the thought of them makes my stomach churn. In fact, I'm not even wanting a new partner and haven't really even thought about it. The bad boys thing was 20 years ago!! I'm nearly 40 now and have turned my life around by VERY hard work, continuous therapy, fitness, health, learning my faults and working through issues. This is a case of making a choice only with my head and leaving my heart behind, and my heart is battling with me every day. You have to remember, I thought I was doing the RIGHT thing. And in a way I probably was. Unfortunately now, things haven't improved but gotten worse as how I feel towards my husband. As he has OCD and a few other issues - I sometimes wonder that if he had worked on himself as much as me things might be better.
I can relate to a degree.

My spouse and I have been together for over thirty years. The last few years she is becoming somebody that I simply don't like. It hard to see somebody (in my case) that you once loved, and watch them become somebody totally different.

In your case you made the right choice for the right reason in hopes of making it work but can't. Still the same end result.

If I could just simply choose to love my wife again I would because it would be so much easier but unfortunately I can't do that any more than you can force yourself to love your husband no matter how simple it would make everything.

Its a tough call when you have to decide who takes the bullet.


Our lives are a novel and we, the authors. if you don't like the story line, only you have the power to change it.
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post #41 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 06:10 PM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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I think repulsion has come from actually being married to him and feeling trapped. If I wasn't I would like to think it would go away. By the way, he is OCD. He showers 3 times a day and still smells. I have tried to bring this up with him several times and he just gets angry and turns it back on me. SO I have given up.
If he really does have a severe body odour problem and he tries to combat this -with only limited success, you say- by showering three times a day, how would that be OCD?

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http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #42 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 06:20 PM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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If this man is showering 3 times a day and still smells, please get him to a doctor or dentist. Something isn't right. Even if you don't stay with him, insist that he be checked out.


https://www.harleyhealthcentre.com/g...ess-see-doctor

Armpit Sweating (Axillary Hyperhidrosis) - Valley Health System

For example.

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post #43 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 06:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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Okay AJ,

just for kicks i went back to your original statement/question....do you want to take a guess how many times you used I/me vs. we? 45 vs. 5,

look at your questions....you may have shed the bad girl images, you may have shed the going after bad boy, but what you have not shed and have carried into your marriage and exist still today... is this self-centerness.....your needs, your wants, your dream over everyone else...your accomplishments, your successes, you do not talk about the love for your children, i suspect the rule in the house is "if mommy ain't happy no one else is"....let's go back to the number of I/me to we's....that tells me a lot and if you were really honest with yourself you would take ownership of that....and demonstrates a very sad character flaw. Are your needs greater than anyone else in the family....i suspect the kids have a warmer relationship with your husband than with you....i do not say this to be mean but for you to be reflective. Your a very selfish person.
Wow, how can you possible tell someone is selfish without knowing them? Crazy how you can come up with such an assumption. At this stage, unfortunately the way I feel effects everyone else in the family which is why I am desperately trying to sort it out. No my husband does not have a better relationship with our children. We are extremely close and have a VERY loving warm and healthy family relationship. However, you are right in some ways. The ****ting childhood I had unfortunately has caused me a lot of issues and my poor husband has had to put up with me going through depression when we first met and being an un-happy person which is horrendous for him and I actually grieve FOR him and his feelings and what he is going through, through his situation. Believe me, I am the first person to think about other peoples feels as well as my own and how they effect other people.
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post #44 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 06:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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If he really does have a severe body odour problem and he tries to combat this -with only limited success, you say- by showering three times a day, how would that be OCD?
OCD - cleaning fetish - mainly with the house and having to have everything perfect all the time....long story
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post #45 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 06:59 PM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Ok @AJBrooks sorry to have misunderstood your OP - as so many did - and it looks like we all spent a lot of time clarifying that.

So I understand - to a degree - the OCD thing. My neighbor has that and picks up trash throughout the town etc and it was VERY hard on his daughters growing up. The oldest came back from freshman year with lots of earrings and a couple piercings - the message was clear that she was breaking away from that upbringing. (Unusual in our horribly conservative town). She calmed down and is a wonderful wife and mom - I think it was just a statement - but the impact of the OCD on the family has been significant.

The odor thing sounds horrible. I've known a couple of people like that - years and years ago and yet it still stands out. I don't know if anything can be done.

The reaction on TAM is partly due to the number of cases where a spouse gets a wild hair or MLC or reaction to tragedy and leaves the marriage - emotionally or physically. It's common here and its painful and it also involves rewriting marital history. Unfortunately many start to look back at a good marriage and remember only negatives when they're in this mode. So your OP probably sounded this way since you didn't say you had addressed your past, and now that you're healthy, you are trying to address the decision you made to get married.

Anyway getting that behind, in a perfect scenario, what would your H have to do or become to salvage this? Is it just too much with the OCD? Etc. tell us your thinking there


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