Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!
OK lets get this right.
You were a bad girl who pursued bad boys to satisfy her own needs to get the buzz and excitement.
Some of these needs were met as a result, but generally it ended with you becoming depressed and broken.
You then pursued a good boy to satisfy her own needs to fix herself.
This was then achieved with support from your husband and you have now become a successful, balanced (questionable) and healthy lady.
[So far, pretty selfish focus on yourself - whoever pointed that out earlier is absolutely correct].
You say that despite your feelings, you now have a loving, warm and healthy relationship - YOU MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT and never did from what I can see.
Timeline wise ….
You met your husband and was attracted to him and fell in love. You had 5 years of not being married or no kids to recognise that awful SMELL/STINK that he has and the absence of the SPARK you are looking for (that you had with other bad boys previously) but somehow the STINK and absence of SPARK did not make itself known or you did not act on it. Could not bring yourself to do something decent and leave. To understand why, go back to the previous comment about you being selfish (you still needed to develop yourself all the time fooling yourself and your partner that you had a "loving, warm and healthy relationship". You did this because there was still more stuff to fix, dance classes to attend, a business to build etc. -- for you!)
Then you got married and had two kids. Now you had everything you needed, suddenly the STINK made itself known and so did the absence of the SPARK! And now you have to do something about this (for yourself, of course, else it wouldn't be fair to you). Also his OCD and washing 3 times a day became a major problem.
What I am not clear about is whether your husband actually knows exactly how you feel. On the one hand you don't want to tell him because it will hurt him (actually, because it will make you look selfish and bad) and on the other hand you say he knows and you have already discussed how the split will work (still manipulating him, huh).
You swapped your self-esteem problems for a whole new set of self-entitlement and selfish problems.
The others are advising you to go to counselling before you do anything. I strongly advise this as you still appear to be completely broken and really need help. There is a shed load more to fix in you. The only thing is that I hope (for your husband's and family's sake) that the result of the counselling is for you to let your husband go to find true love and partnership and that you give him an amicable and easy divorce to set him free with minimal damage.
Get help in seeing what you have really become!
This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause