Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry! - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 119Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #46 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 07:12 PM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 19,497
Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Quote:
Originally Posted by AJBrooks View Post
OCD - cleaning fetish - mainly with the house and having to have everything perfect all the time....long story
So it's not just based on the three showers a day.

Does he have treatment for his OCD?



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
(Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #47 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 07:16 PM
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,378
Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

My wife's farts are horrible. Pretty much the worse thing I ever smelled. But I am more of a health-nut and with diet - her farts are rarely deadly.

Even when she smelled bad, it didn't effect the way I thought of her - but glad that getting her to eat better, resolved that problem.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is offline  
post #48 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 12:18 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 13
Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spicy View Post
No marriage is ever perfect. We trade off on certain features.

Sometimes, when we get far out from the honeymoon phase, we tend to look back with a lot of negativity, which can help our minds justify things such as leaving a good spouse. For instance, when you got engaged, were you excited and happy, or were you sad and disappointed? I kinda doubt that you would have made your vows if you weren't in love.

The newness fades, the excitement wears off, and we are left with boring old daily life. Then we drift. Then we start to make excuses why we should be able to leave.

If you leave him, do not expect to find a man even remotely as good as he is. Prepare yourself for some hot passionate sex, and nonstop heartbreak. Get ready to watch your kids suffer to levels you haven't imagined yet, but you will have some passionate banging as the prize for stealing their safe, happy childhoods.

Don't get me wrong. I'm divorced and remarried. I watched and continue to watch my kids suffer from the breakup of my marriage. I am a super passionate person, so I'm not knocking that quality in you. Before giving up, I think you owe it to your family to try. Get the couselling. Tell your husband you want to fall back in love. Go on dates, romantic weekends away, get new lingerie, toys, couples massages...whatever floats your boats. For goodness sake buy him a cologne that when you smell it you want to devour him. (For me its Light Blue Dolce Gabbana)

This isn't going to be easy. It's pretty rare for us as women to fall back in love. Your husband and relationship truly sounds like they are worth your efforts to try. Now that this is out in the open, you can both work hard on it together. You will never regret the time spent right now to try to make this work. On the other hand, if you give up, you may regret that the rest of your life. I wish you the best, wherever your path leads you.
You have to have been in love to fall back in love though apparently. Wish this wasn't the case. I am a passionate person too. Especially when it comes to my children and my heart is with them at the moment. So just need to figure out how to do this in a positive way so we can still be good role models.
AJBrooks is offline  
 
post #49 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 07:47 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 432
Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Livvie View Post
It's not unrealistic or unreasonable to be attracted to your partner. Or even just not physically chemically repulsed by them. The smell thing is real. It doesn't have to be a BAD smell, but she just is not chemically attracted to him. Scent--pheromones are a real part of sexual attraction. They have done studies on this.
I guess her nose just started working. maybe she had a cold before they married and now its clear as a bell.

chillymorn69 is offline  
post #50 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 05:47 PM
Member
 
frusdil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,941
Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Quote:
Originally Posted by AJBrooks View Post
As far as the kids go. There will be no TEARING their lives apart! My husband and I have agreed on everything including bringing them up in the same home (we will do the moving), finances, 50/50 co-parenting, family time together, holidays. We have never argued about any of the big stuff like that in the past and we trust each-other %100.
Make no mistake, a divorce, even an amicable one WILL tear your children's lives apart. They will lose their foundation, their sense of security, their belief in marriage.

The kids staying in the house and you and your husband moving in and out is commendable, and probably how it should be but what happens when one of you meets someone new? Are the new partners going to be moving in and out with you? How cosy.
frusdil is offline  
post #51 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 04:09 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 432
Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

If your divorce is friendly like you say then most likley the kids will be fine.
chillymorn69 is offline  
post #52 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 04:13 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,874
Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Quote:
Originally Posted by chillymorn69 View Post
If your divorce is friendly like you say then most likley the kids will be fine.
They will still be very hurt.
Diana7 is offline  
post #53 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 04:49 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 432
Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
They will still be very hurt.
Maybe maybe not . And if so ......so be it I personaly think we shield our childern tooooooo much life is ulgy sometime and they need to know that and have coping skills to deaal with what life throws at them.


Children are much more resiliant than we give them credit for. Kinda of like when they fall down and scrap their knee. If you run over screaming oh my god are you alright histerical and emotional the usually star balling like the have a broken leg. But if you stay calm and say your all right just a little scrap rub some dirt in it . They have a much less of a reaction.

Same with divorce if stay calm and explain it in a manner yhey can understand and not be angry vandictive and hurtfull then them should be fine
chillymorn69 is offline  
post #54 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 05:01 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,874
Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Quote:
Originally Posted by chillymorn69 View Post
Maybe maybe not . And if so ......so be it I personaly think we shield our childern tooooooo much life is ulgy sometime and they need to know that and have coping skills to deaal with what life throws at them.


Children are much more resiliant than we give them credit for. Kinda of like when they fall down and scrap their knee. If you run over screaming oh my god are you alright histerical and emotional the usually star balling like the have a broken leg. But if you stay calm and say your all right just a little scrap rub some dirt in it . They have a much less of a reaction.

Same with divorce if stay calm and explain it in a manner yhey can understand and not be angry vandictive and hurtfull then them should be fine
So you haven't come from a broken home then? They will be hurt and have their worlds rocked to its foundations.
Its nothing to do with being over protective.
Diana7 is offline  
post #55 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:02 AM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 19,497
Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Quote:
Originally Posted by chillymorn69 View Post
I guess her nose just started working. maybe she had a cold before they married and now its clear as a bell.

Or perhaps he has developed an illness or started taking medication that can cause horrendous body odour?



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
(Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is offline  
post #56 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:08 AM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 19,497
Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Quote:
Originally Posted by chillymorn69 View Post
Maybe maybe not . And if so ......so be it I personaly think we shield our childern tooooooo much life is ulgy sometime and they need to know that and have coping skills to deaal with what life throws at them.


Children are much more resiliant than we give them credit for. Kinda of like when they fall down and scrap their knee. If you run over screaming oh my god are you alright histerical and emotional the usually star balling like the have a broken leg. But if you stay calm and say your all right just a little scrap rub some dirt in it . They have a much less of a reaction.

Same with divorce if stay calm and explain it in a manner yhey can understand and not be angry vandictive and hurtfull then them should be fine
She would have to lie to them.

After all, "your father's stink is so bad I have to place a pillow between us when we go to bed, the thought of him kissing me makes me want to hurl and whenever he touches me, it makes my flesh crawl and I no longer love him at all. Though I have to admit he is a decent chap in some other ways," really would not play well with the children of the marriage.

Replies like: "He doesn't smell to me!" and: "He doesn't make my flesh crawl!" "If he is so bad, how come you and he made us together?" would open up a mega size can of worms.

If divorce does come the best thing to say to the children are anodyne platitudes: "We have drifted apart, it's not the fault of either one of us and you children are certainly not to blame, we both still love you very much and so forth, etc., etc., etc."


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
(Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is offline  
post #57 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:19 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 432
Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
So you haven't come from a broken home then? They will be hurt and have their worlds rocked to its foundations.
Its nothing to do with being over protective.
many children know their parents have fallen out of love and would prefer they divorce rather than them feeling bad because their just staying in aa loveless marriage for the sake of them.

and even if their world is rocked to its foundation as you put it. its still might be better in the long run.

do you think your life would have been much better if your parents stayed together even though they didn't love each other?

I am not a get divorced for frivolousness reasons but I do think the parents can divorce and still be good parents if there is no vindictive actions going on.
chillymorn69 is offline  
post #58 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:23 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 432
Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MattMatt View Post
She would have to lie to them.

After all, "your father's stink is so bad I have to place a pillow between us when we go to bed, the thought of him kissing me makes me want to hurl and whenever he touches me, it makes my flesh crawl and I no longer love him at all. Though I have to admit he is a decent chap in some other ways," really would not play well with the children of the marriage.

Replies like: "He doesn't smell to me!" and: "He doesn't make my flesh crawl!" "If he is so bad, how come you and he made us together?" would open up a mega size can of worms.

If divorce does come the best thing to say to the children are anodyne platitudes: "We have drifted apart, it's not the fault of either one of us and you children are certainly not to blame, we both still love you very much and so forth, etc., etc., etc."
she wouldn't have to go in to the details she could just say we fell out of love but we both still have our children as a priority and we both love you just like always. and then let your loveing actions show that your both committed to being good parents.
chillymorn69 is offline  
post #59 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:30 AM
Member
 
manfromlamancha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 2,429
Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

OK lets get this right.

You were a bad girl who pursued bad boys to satisfy her own needs to get the buzz and excitement.

Some of these needs were met as a result, but generally it ended with you becoming depressed and broken.

You then pursued a good boy to satisfy her own needs to fix herself.

This was then achieved with support from your husband and you have now become a successful, balanced (questionable) and healthy lady.

[So far, pretty selfish focus on yourself - whoever pointed that out earlier is absolutely correct].

You say that despite your feelings, you now have a loving, warm and healthy relationship - YOU MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT and never did from what I can see.

Timeline wise ….

You met your husband and was attracted to him and fell in love. You had 5 years of not being married or no kids to recognise that awful SMELL/STINK that he has and the absence of the SPARK you are looking for (that you had with other bad boys previously) but somehow the STINK and absence of SPARK did not make itself known or you did not act on it. Could not bring yourself to do something decent and leave. To understand why, go back to the previous comment about you being selfish (you still needed to develop yourself all the time fooling yourself and your partner that you had a "loving, warm and healthy relationship". You did this because there was still more stuff to fix, dance classes to attend, a business to build etc. -- for you!)

Then you got married and had two kids. Now you had everything you needed, suddenly the STINK made itself known and so did the absence of the SPARK! And now you have to do something about this (for yourself, of course, else it wouldn't be fair to you). Also his OCD and washing 3 times a day became a major problem.

What I am not clear about is whether your husband actually knows exactly how you feel. On the one hand you don't want to tell him because it will hurt him (actually, because it will make you look selfish and bad) and on the other hand you say he knows and you have already discussed how the split will work (still manipulating him, huh).

You swapped your self-esteem problems for a whole new set of self-entitlement and selfish problems.

The others are advising you to go to counselling before you do anything. I strongly advise this as you still appear to be completely broken and really need help. There is a shed load more to fix in you. The only thing is that I hope (for your husband's and family's sake) that the result of the counselling is for you to let your husband go to find true love and partnership and that you give him an amicable and easy divorce to set him free with minimal damage.

Get help in seeing what you have really become!

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
manfromlamancha is offline  
post #60 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 09:13 AM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 19,497
Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Quote:
Originally Posted by chillymorn69 View Post
she wouldn't have to go in to the details she could just say we fell out of love but we both still have our children as a priority and we both love you just like always. and then let your loveing actions show that your both committed to being good parents.
That might still be a lie. What if her husband still loves her? He could not say, in honesty, that he had fallen out of love with his wife, as that would be a lie.

It's going to be difficult, however she handles it.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
(Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
best friends, chemistry, co-parenting, head not heart, repulsion

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Made a decision in my mind...........WAW in four years if nothing changes LilMissSunshine General Relationship Discussion 70 01-08-2017 09:19 AM
42 years help42 Considering Divorce or Separation 115 06-20-2016 05:57 PM
20 Years of Husbands insecurity Help Helpme01 General Relationship Discussion 18 12-10-2015 09:01 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome