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post #61 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 09:31 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

I keep hearing that your husband stinks. What do you mean by he "smells"? Is it bo? Because if he showers 3Xs a day thats questionable.

Or is this a smells that comes from deep within him?

Or is it a smell that is in your head?

Certain diseases can have a smell. And if you really resent or find someone really unattractive your brain can attach a bad odor to that person. Making them become repulsive. Just saying.

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post #62 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 10:21 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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have now gotten to the point where I can't stand his smell
That's pretty much all you need to have written. Women have a POWERFUL sense of smell when it comes to mates which stems from caveman days.

How do you know better than ANY other nonverbal indicator if your woman is into you?!? She LOVES your smell. Not your cologne, your NATURAL smell.

In other words, the pheromones you put out make her enamored with you. These are the chemicals that keep her from lusting after other men.

Let this be a tale to all men on TAM. Mark my words...... If your spouse/gf EVER tells you she does not enjoy your smell, then its OVER.

That's a nice way of saying she is REPULSED by you and completely CHECKED OUT. Just drive to the attorney's office boyos and file ASAP.

That's the point of no return. Unless you got a bottle of this.....
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post #63 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 10:48 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

@AJBrooks, you say with honesty that you don't love your husband.
I'd say that the answer in that case is really simple - just let him go.

He deserves to be free to be with a woman that truly loves him for who he is.
You deserve to find and be with a man you truly love and desire.

It sounds like you came together when you needed to heal from some issues. You were a work in progress.
Unfortunately, when you healed, the thing that drew you to him in the first place (security) was no longer a need for you, because you improved your life and your prospects.

So, again, I would say to just let him go. Work out the most amicable solution for divorce and division of assets, and custody of/time with the children.

Some people recommend marriage counseling, which I would normally concur with, but you just don't have love in your heart for him, and that would already make MC a fruitless endeavour.

Unless your husband is really oblivious, he's probably fully aware that you don't want to connect with him intimately.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #64 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 10:55 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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That might still be a lie. What if her husband still loves her? He could not say, in honesty, that he had fallen out of love with his wife, as that would be a lie.

It's going to be difficult, however she handles it.


ok

if someone still loves someone who tells them their smell is repulsive and they don't and never really loved them in the first place. and they still refuse to take a hint then
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post #65 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 11:44 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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So you haven't come from a broken home then? They will be hurt and have their worlds rocked to its foundations.
Have you ever lived in a broken home? I ask because it's worse than coming from one.

Child of divorce here. My parents divorced when I was a baby and by the time I even knew that this wasn't exactly the norm, I knew other kids in the same situation. It was completely normal to me. It didn't affect me in the slightest.

However, I had friends whose parents stuck together "for the kids" in very dysfunctional marriages and they have told me that they wished their parents got divorced. One of my friends from college said that at 8 years old, she told her mother to divorce her father because of how cold and critical he was. My husband remembers being relieved when his parents divorced with he was 4 or 5 because his father was an alcoholic and both his parents would get into physical altercations.

It's not as clear cut as kids will always be devastated by a divorce and I find it offensive when people drone on about how kids of divorce's lives are ruined or that they are broken from it. When they say that, do they even realize they're saying their own friends, family, or even partner is irreparably broken due to something that happened years ago between their parents? People overcome much worse. Some times a divorce is the best thing that can happen for everyone involved and even when it's not, most kids bounce back from it especially if it's amicable.

@AJBrooks, I think that you sound like you have had the time, experience, and therapy to be able to make an informed and healthy decision for yourself. You don't have to stay if all you will ever feel is "meh" about your husband and intimacy is always difficult for you. That is not fair to you or him even though he said he would support you if you stayed. As long as you're kind, respectful, and at least some what affectionate with one another in front of the kids, I don't think you're doing damage to them if you stay together and getting divorced won't be the end of their world.
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post #66 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:45 PM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
That's pretty much all you need to have written. Women have a POWERFUL sense of smell when it comes to mates which stems from caveman days.

How do you know better than ANY other nonverbal indicator if your woman is into you?!? She LOVES your smell. Not your cologne, your NATURAL smell.

In other words, the pheromones you put out make her enamored with you. These are the chemicals that keep her from lusting after other men.

Let this be a tale to all men on TAM. Mark my words...... If your spouse/gf EVER tells you she does not enjoy your smell, then its OVER.

That's a nice way of saying she is REPULSED by you and completely CHECKED OUT. Just drive to the attorney's office boyos and file ASAP.

That's the point of no return. Unless you got a bottle of this.....
THANK YOU!!!! I was actually going to post something similar, but my power has been off and on due to high winds over the last few days and I never got a chance.

I figured in the first post OP was talking about her husband's natural scent. Scent, at least for some women, is HUGELY important. It's part of the whole chemical, physical, sexual attraction package.

I never noticed it back when I was a young teen and 20-something, but I'd never been into the natural scent of a man. I could like his body wash or his cologne or even his laundry soap, but the natural scent of men I'd been with was "meh" to me. When I met DH I became addicted to his scent the second I smelled him. His breath, the scent of his skin, even his sweat. I think his natural scent is better than any cologne or body wash, hands down. I've actually lost track of what I'm saying mid sentence because I caught his scent unexpectedly and just...*sigh* When he was working over the road, I wouldn't wash the sheets and pillowcases until the day he was due home because I liked the bed smelling of him. 17 years together and the attraction hasn't diminished a bit. I still find him, including his scent, intoxicating.

If OP's H's scent is repellent to her on some kind of primal, instinctive, level, all the showers and cologne in the world won't fix it.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #67 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:47 PM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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Originally Posted by chillymorn69 View Post


ok

if someone still loves someone who tells them their smell is repulsive and they don't and never really loved them in the first place. and they still refuse to take a hint then
She needs to be honest.

"I do not love your father any more."

However, I think the best thing to do would be to give him 100% cudstody.

After all, wouldn't want the situation to develop down the road where he says: "Say, kids... do you smell something a little unpeasant? Or maybe it's just you?"

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post #68 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:21 PM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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She needs to be honest.

"I do not love your father any more."

However, I think the best thing to do would be to give him 100% cudstody.

After all, woudn't want the situation to develop down the road where he says: "Say, kids... do you smell something a little unpeasant?
I'm a bit surprised at your general tone on this thread. It seems...snarkier.. than usual. I wonder if something said has triggered you emotionally or if there is some kind of communication breakdown/lost in translation thing going on. Here, women are often told by society (friends family etc) that they should marry nice, stable, men who are their "best friends" and attraction is rarely mentioned if it's mentioned at all. It's not surprising that some underestimate the importance of attraction and end up in sour marriages contemplating divorce.

OP married and had children with a great guy that she was not sexually attracted to or romantically in love with. She is, by a large margin, not the first woman in history to decide on a mate hoping that attraction and romantic love would grow. Over time, this lack of attraction has turned to outright repulsion. She's been to counseling. She's tried. Wanting to be free of a romantic partner she isn't in love with and isn't even attracted to doesn't make her a bad person or a bad mother.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #69 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:33 PM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
I'm a bit surprised at your general tone on this thread. It seems...snarkier.. than usual. I wonder if something said has triggered you emotionally or if there is some kind of communication breakdown/lost in translation thing going on. Here, women are often told by society (friends family etc) that they should marry nice, stable, men who are their "best friends" and attraction is rarely mentioned if it's mentioned at all. It's not surprising that some underestimate the importance of attraction and end up in sour marriages contemplating divorce.

OP married and had children with a great guy that she was not sexually attracted to or romantically in love with. She is, by a large margin, not the first woman in history to decide on a mate hoping that attraction and romantic love would grow. Over time, this lack of attraction has turned to outright repulsion. She's been to counseling. She's tried. Wanting to be free of a romantic partner she isn't in love with and isn't even attracted to doesn't make her a bad person or a bad mother.
But this will be so, only as long as the children do not start to remind her of their father.

The number of people who I have seen emotionally scarred by parents who say: "You are just like your no good father/mother!" is far more than is good.

Counselling is great. But it will not work if the person being counselled does not want it to work, even if they subconsciously sabotage it.

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post #70 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 10:01 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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But this will be so, only as long as the children do not start to remind her of their father.

The number of people who I have seen emotionally scarred by parents who say: "You are just like your no good father/mother!" is far more than is good.

Counselling is great. But it will not work if the person being counselled does not want it to work, even if they subconsciously sabotage it.
OP doesn't strike me as someone who would say something like that to her children. She seems to like her husband as a person, but just isn't in love or even lust with him. If I were placing bets, I'd lay my money on an amicable divorce (if she decides to leave) and a friendly co-parenting relationship.

Counseling can be great, depending on the counselor and the client being willing to do the work. The problem here is that counseling cannot manufacture romantic love or attraction. If it could, struggling gay folk and their therapists would have figured out how by now.


Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #71 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 09:04 PM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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I am wondering if anyone is in the same situation may be able to give me some words of wisdom or put things into prospective for me from another angle. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 5 and have two beautiful children 4 and 2 whom we adore. We function really well as a family and have a healthy supportive household. However, right from the start I have not been sure about my feelings towards my husband.

I have had a terrible past with abuse and terrible relationships ending in heartbreak, I was really insecure and messed up and quite promiscuous. I always went for the bad boys, or the boys who didn't want me - as the chase is what really turned me on. However when I met my husband I decided that I wanted to get my life together and that I had had enough of un-healthy relationships. So I denied the feelings of my heart because I lost trust in my heart and made a decision based on my head.

I had been drinking when I met him however I did find him really attractive on the first night, our eyes locked and we hit it off straight away. We got on really well and really clicked. He pretty much saved me, and in a way I saved him. He has been my rock and I have completely turned my life around. I am now fit, healthy, successful and happy within myself and my achievements, however I have not been true to my feelings or honest with him and being with him has always felt wrong.

Since the first night my feelings towards him have slowly turned more and more to platonic. He became my best friend, my companion and the perfect father. It's so hard to explain, you may wonder why I married him, I just thought that I could do without the chemistry and that the love would grow. Instead, I find myself more and more disconnected and unattracted and have now gotten to the point where I can't stand his smell, can't stand kissing him, all his little mannerisms annoy the hell out of me and he is NOT getting what he deserves out of a wife. I can't stand him touching me in bed, I put a pillow between us so I can't smell him, the list goes on. On our wedding day I almost felt sad, and when he asked me to marry him I also felt in the pit of my gut that it wasn’t right, but I listened to my head and not my heart.

I have not had the guts to tell him properly how I feel for 11 years and it has been weighing on my mind heavily. Until now. I finally told him, and have told him that I need time and space to sort my feelings out and decide if i'm in this for the long hall and am willing to live without chemistry or weather or not we are going to just be friends. We agreed on an "In home separation" and amazingly enough, he is open to both outcomes. He loves me and the kids so much, that he is being completely amicable and has moved into spare room to give me the time I need. However I still can't decide what to do!

I think the reason why I have been sitting on the fence for SO long is because of how much my husband and I have going for us. We have the same morals, the same goals, the same taste, the same parenting views, and in lots of ways we get on really well, we are open about almost everything (except this topic) and work through things together as a team, we resolve issues and our household works so well. However this unfortunately hasn’t changed how I feel.

My question to you is, do I deny my feelings and my heart for the sake of my children??????

Do I have unrealistic expectations about a marriage? I mean, can you be in love with your husband long term or is it OK to not have those types of feelings?

I have read that marriage is mainly friendship, but surely you need chemistry to survive, am I asking too much to have the chemistry as well as the friendship?

Are you better off being single than with the wrong man if it means being true to yourself?

My husband and I have already discussed the possibility of not staying together and we already agree on co-parenting arrangements, I mean every single detail. Is this enough to save the kids?
U r very lucky to have such husband who cares for u n ur childrens, I think u should not ruine it,he is there for u hold him don't spoil everything

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post #72 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 09:05 PM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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I am wondering if anyone is in the same situation may be able to give me some words of wisdom or put things into prospective for me from another angle. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 5 and have two beautiful children 4 and 2 whom we adore. We function really well as a family and have a healthy supportive household. However, right from the start I have not been sure about my feelings towards my husband.

I have had a terrible past with abuse and terrible relationships ending in heartbreak, I was really insecure and messed up and quite promiscuous. I always went for the bad boys, or the boys who didn't want me - as the chase is what really turned me on. However when I met my husband I decided that I wanted to get my life together and that I had had enough of un-healthy relationships. So I denied the feelings of my heart because I lost trust in my heart and made a decision based on my head.

I had been drinking when I met him however I did find him really attractive on the first night, our eyes locked and we hit it off straight away. We got on really well and really clicked. He pretty much saved me, and in a way I saved him. He has been my rock and I have completely turned my life around. I am now fit, healthy, successful and happy within myself and my achievements, however I have not been true to my feelings or honest with him and being with him has always felt wrong.

Since the first night my feelings towards him have slowly turned more and more to platonic. He became my best friend, my companion and the perfect father. It's so hard to explain, you may wonder why I married him, I just thought that I could do without the chemistry and that the love would grow. Instead, I find myself more and more disconnected and unattracted and have now gotten to the point where I can't stand his smell, can't stand kissing him, all his little mannerisms annoy the hell out of me and he is NOT getting what he deserves out of a wife. I can't stand him touching me in bed, I put a pillow between us so I can't smell him, the list goes on. On our wedding day I almost felt sad, and when he asked me to marry him I also felt in the pit of my gut that it wasn’t right, but I listened to my head and not my heart.

I have not had the guts to tell him properly how I feel for 11 years and it has been weighing on my mind heavily. Until now. I finally told him, and have told him that I need time and space to sort my feelings out and decide if i'm in this for the long hall and am willing to live without chemistry or weather or not we are going to just be friends. We agreed on an "In home separation" and amazingly enough, he is open to both outcomes. He loves me and the kids so much, that he is being completely amicable and has moved into spare room to give me the time I need. However I still can't decide what to do!

I think the reason why I have been sitting on the fence for SO long is because of how much my husband and I have going for us. We have the same morals, the same goals, the same taste, the same parenting views, and in lots of ways we get on really well, we are open about almost everything (except this topic) and work through things together as a team, we resolve issues and our household works so well. However this unfortunately hasn’t changed how I feel.

My question to you is, do I deny my feelings and my heart for the sake of my children??????

Do I have unrealistic expectations about a marriage? I mean, can you be in love with your husband long term or is it OK to not have those types of feelings?

I have read that marriage is mainly friendship, but surely you need chemistry to survive, am I asking too much to have the chemistry as well as the friendship?

Are you better off being single than with the wrong man if it means being true to yourself?

My husband and I have already discussed the possibility of not staying together and we already agree on co-parenting arrangements, I mean every single detail. Is this enough to save the kids?
And about ur problem u go for counseling n u must go without delay otherwise it will spoil u n others

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