Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!
I am wondering if anyone is in the same situation may be able to give me some words of wisdom or put things into prospective for me from another angle. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 5 and have two beautiful children 4 and 2 whom we adore. We function really well as a family and have a healthy supportive household. However, right from the start I have not been sure about my feelings towards my husband.
I have had a terrible past with abuse and terrible relationships ending in heartbreak, I was really insecure and messed up and quite promiscuous. I always went for the bad boys, or the boys who didn't want me - as the chase is what really turned me on. However when I met my husband I decided that I wanted to get my life together and that I had had enough of un-healthy relationships. So I denied the feelings of my heart because I lost trust in my heart and made a decision based on my head.
I had been drinking when I met him however I did find him really attractive on the first night, our eyes locked and we hit it off straight away. We got on really well and really clicked. He pretty much saved me, and in a way I saved him. He has been my rock and I have completely turned my life around. I am now fit, healthy, successful and happy within myself and my achievements, however I have not been true to my feelings or honest with him and being with him has always felt wrong.
Since the first night my feelings towards him have slowly turned more and more to platonic. He became my best friend, my companion and the perfect father. It's so hard to explain, you may wonder why I married him, I just thought that I could do without the chemistry and that the love would grow. Instead, I find myself more and more disconnected and unattracted and have now gotten to the point where I can't stand his smell, can't stand kissing him, all his little mannerisms annoy the hell out of me and he is NOT getting what he deserves out of a wife. I can't stand him touching me in bed, I put a pillow between us so I can't smell him, the list goes on. On our wedding day I almost felt sad, and when he asked me to marry him I also felt in the pit of my gut that it wasn’t right, but I listened to my head and not my heart.
I have not had the guts to tell him properly how I feel for 11 years and it has been weighing on my mind heavily. Until now. I finally told him, and have told him that I need time and space to sort my feelings out and decide if i'm in this for the long hall and am willing to live without chemistry or weather or not we are going to just be friends. We agreed on an "In home separation" and amazingly enough, he is open to both outcomes. He loves me and the kids so much, that he is being completely amicable and has moved into spare room to give me the time I need. However I still can't decide what to do!
I think the reason why I have been sitting on the fence for SO long is because of how much my husband and I have going for us. We have the same morals, the same goals, the same taste, the same parenting views, and in lots of ways we get on really well, we are open about almost everything (except this topic) and work through things together as a team, we resolve issues and our household works so well. However this unfortunately hasn’t changed how I feel.
My question to you is, do I deny my feelings and my heart for the sake of my children??????
Do I have unrealistic expectations about a marriage? I mean, can you be in love with your husband long term or is it OK to not have those types of feelings?
I have read that marriage is mainly friendship, but surely you need chemistry to survive, am I asking too much to have the chemistry as well as the friendship?
Are you better off being single than with the wrong man if it means being true to yourself?
My husband and I have already discussed the possibility of not staying together and we already agree on co-parenting arrangements, I mean every single detail. Is this enough to save the kids?