Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 02:36 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

I am wondering if anyone is in the same situation may be able to give me some words of wisdom or put things into prospective for me from another angle. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 5 and have two beautiful children 4 and 2 whom we adore. We function really well as a family and have a healthy supportive household. However, right from the start I have not been sure about my feelings towards my husband.

I have had a terrible past with abuse and terrible relationships ending in heartbreak, I was really insecure and messed up and quite promiscuous. I always went for the bad boys, or the boys who didn't want me - as the chase is what really turned me on. However when I met my husband I decided that I wanted to get my life together and that I had had enough of un-healthy relationships. So I denied the feelings of my heart because I lost trust in my heart and made a decision based on my head.

I had been drinking when I met him however I did find him really attractive on the first night, our eyes locked and we hit it off straight away. We got on really well and really clicked. He pretty much saved me, and in a way I saved him. He has been my rock and I have completely turned my life around. I am now fit, healthy, successful and happy within myself and my achievements, however I have not been true to my feelings or honest with him and being with him has always felt wrong.

Since the first night my feelings towards him have slowly turned more and more to platonic. He became my best friend, my companion and the perfect father. It's so hard to explain, you may wonder why I married him, I just thought that I could do without the chemistry and that the love would grow. Instead, I find myself more and more disconnected and unattracted and have now gotten to the point where I can't stand his smell, can't stand kissing him, all his little mannerisms annoy the hell out of me and he is NOT getting what he deserves out of a wife. I can't stand him touching me in bed, I put a pillow between us so I can't smell him, the list goes on. On our wedding day I almost felt sad, and when he asked me to marry him I also felt in the pit of my gut that it wasn’t right, but I listened to my head and not my heart.

I have not had the guts to tell him properly how I feel for 11 years and it has been weighing on my mind heavily. Until now. I finally told him, and have told him that I need time and space to sort my feelings out and decide if i'm in this for the long hall and am willing to live without chemistry or weather or not we are going to just be friends. We agreed on an "In home separation" and amazingly enough, he is open to both outcomes. He loves me and the kids so much, that he is being completely amicable and has moved into spare room to give me the time I need. However I still can't decide what to do!

I think the reason why I have been sitting on the fence for SO long is because of how much my husband and I have going for us. We have the same morals, the same goals, the same taste, the same parenting views, and in lots of ways we get on really well, we are open about almost everything (except this topic) and work through things together as a team, we resolve issues and our household works so well. However this unfortunately hasn’t changed how I feel.

My question to you is, do I deny my feelings and my heart for the sake of my children??????

Do I have unrealistic expectations about a marriage? I mean, can you be in love with your husband long term or is it OK to not have those types of feelings?

I have read that marriage is mainly friendship, but surely you need chemistry to survive, am I asking too much to have the chemistry as well as the friendship?

Are you better off being single than with the wrong man if it means being true to yourself?

My husband and I have already discussed the possibility of not staying together and we already agree on co-parenting arrangements, I mean every single detail. Is this enough to save the kids?

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post #2 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 03:58 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Counselling. To help you deal with issues you have left undealt with.

That bad smell? It's not your husband you can smell it is the rotting problems from your past that you have ignored.

It's as if you have a massive and stinking cyst on your head which you are covering with a hat instead of having it lanced by a professional.

It's possible that you resent your husband because he is not an abusive bad boy.

You need to sort yourself out and counselling will hopefully help you do this.

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post #3 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 05:54 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

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Originally Posted by AJBrooks View Post
We have the same morals, the same goals, the same taste, the same parenting views, and in lots of ways we get on really well, we are open about almost everything (except this topic) and work through things together as a team, we resolve issues and our household works so well. However this unfortunately hasn’t changed how I feel.

My question to you is, do I deny my feelings and my heart for the sake of my children??????
No fighting, no abuse either verbal or physical, no addiction issues, infidelity issues nil. A calm, harmonious home and family and you want to rip your children's happy lives apart?? Seriously???

Did you think about this before you had your first child? The second?
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post #4 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 05:55 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Victims of abuse often subconsciously believe they do not deserve a good relationship, so when they finally land in one, they self sabotage.

Seek professional help, lest you go back to the promiscuity filled life of chasing (being used and dumped by) bad boys.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

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post #5 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 06:14 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

It was one thing to subject your physical and mental health to a bad boy when you were young and single.....but it is not okay to do that when you have young children...and you end up possibly subjecting them to another one of mom's boyfriend who frighten us or worse...then all you are doing is repeating your history for them, with the possibility of one of them becoming you...could you live with that? ...so don't you think it should stop with you? What ever this is between your husband and you not feeling it, you owe it to your kids and him to find out why you feel this way....seek help first before attempting to move on....otherwise leave the family alone....if you want to be a train wreck do it alone.

Last edited by Lostinthought61; 03-07-2017 at 07:33 AM.
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post #6 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 06:29 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

OP,
You trusted your "heart" and it led down a very dark path, then you trusted your head and your life turned around and is now healthy. Is it really prudent to pass the reins back to your "heart"? Your head has served you well, your "heart" has not. Do you not see it as problematic to once again use it as your guide?

As to your resentment for your H, I believe your "heart" is calling for satisfaction. It should be ignored and instead use your intellect to find the reasl issue with your H and correct it. As MattMatt and FSJ have indicated, it would appear that your past is influencing your present and may destroy your future. Consider this carefully and also carefully consider what "chemistry" is and how it can be experienced. You may find "chemistry" to be less important than biology. Mixing the wrong chemicals can end in a rather violent explosion.

Peace and long life
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post #7 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 06:48 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Quote:
Originally Posted by AJBrooks View Post
I am wondering if anyone is in the same situation may be able to give me some words of wisdom or put things into prospective for me from another angle. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 5 and have two beautiful children 4 and 2 whom we adore. We function really well as a family and have a healthy supportive household. However, right from the start I have not been sure about my feelings towards my husband.

I have had a terrible past with abuse and terrible relationships ending in heartbreak, I was really insecure and messed up and quite promiscuous. I always went for the bad boys, or the boys who didn't want me - as the chase is what really turned me on. However when I met my husband I decided that I wanted to get my life together and that I had had enough of un-healthy relationships. So I denied the feelings of my heart because I lost trust in my heart and made a decision based on my head.

I had been drinking when I met him however I did find him really attractive on the first night, our eyes locked and we hit it off straight away. We got on really well and really clicked. He pretty much saved me, and in a way I saved him. He has been my rock and I have completely turned my life around. I am now fit, healthy, successful and happy within myself and my achievements, however I have not been true to my feelings or honest with him and being with him has always felt wrong.

Since the first night my feelings towards him have slowly turned more and more to platonic. He became my best friend, my companion and the perfect father. It's so hard to explain, you may wonder why I married him, I just thought that I could do without the chemistry and that the love would grow. Instead, I find myself more and more disconnected and unattracted and have now gotten to the point where I can't stand his smell, can't stand kissing him, all his little mannerisms annoy the hell out of me and he is NOT getting what he deserves out of a wife. I can't stand him touching me in bed, I put a pillow between us so I can't smell him, the list goes on. On our wedding day I almost felt sad, and when he asked me to marry him I also felt in the pit of my gut that it wasn’t right, but I listened to my head and not my heart.

I have not had the guts to tell him properly how I feel for 11 years and it has been weighing on my mind heavily. Until now. I finally told him, and have told him that I need time and space to sort my feelings out and decide if i'm in this for the long hall and am willing to live without chemistry or weather or not we are going to just be friends. We agreed on an "In home separation" and amazingly enough, he is open to both outcomes. He loves me and the kids so much, that he is being completely amicable and has moved into spare room to give me the time I need. However I still can't decide what to do!

I think the reason why I have been sitting on the fence for SO long is because of how much my husband and I have going for us. We have the same morals, the same goals, the same taste, the same parenting views, and in lots of ways we get on really well, we are open about almost everything (except this topic) and work through things together as a team, we resolve issues and our household works so well. However this unfortunately hasn’t changed how I feel.

My question to you is, do I deny my feelings and my heart for the sake of my children??????

Do I have unrealistic expectations about a marriage? I mean, can you be in love with your husband long term or is it OK to not have those types of feelings?

I have read that marriage is mainly friendship, but surely you need chemistry to survive, am I asking too much to have the chemistry as well as the friendship?

Are you better off being single than with the wrong man if it means being true to yourself?

My husband and I have already discussed the possibility of not staying together and we already agree on co-parenting arrangements, I mean every single detail. Is this enough to save the kids?
He sounds like a really good man. I am surprised that he isn't more upset, but he may be hiding it of course.
Do you believe that when we make promises we keep them?
I would recommend counseling for you and marriage counselling for you both. Give it a year of both and see where you are. Sometimes we don't appreciate the many good thing we have, and yearn after the few things we think we need.
My lovely husbands first wife divorced him because apparently he didn't meet her 'emotional needs', and she wasn't sure if she ever really loved him. 12 years later we are in a really happy 11 year marriage and she is still alone. Then grass isn't always greener.

Your children will be devastated no matter how amicable this is.

Last edited by Diana7; 03-07-2017 at 07:02 AM.
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post #8 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 06:56 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

I think as others do, that you have something good now and are going to let it go foolishly.
However, I'm also of the opinion that once a woman's live is gone, it never comes back. You've had 11 years of this rotting your feelings for him. You don't know how to turn it around.
You do have two choices: rip up a family that is functional (I honestly don't think you'll ever find what you're looking for long term), or stay and learn to deal with the fact that you don't live your husband.
If you choose door number two, get counseling. And please, try several conuselors or therapists, or whatever. Most are copay collectors.

I wish you luck.
Btw, have your husband take a bath, change colognes, whatever before you give up. Tell the man what you need. Sounds like he's willing to listen.
And he sounds like a helluva guy to me. You won't likely find another like him.
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post #9 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 07:28 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

First, you move into the spare room and let your husband have the bedroom since you're the one who isn't happy.

Second, you enjoy the chase so tell your husband to stop treating you like an entitled princess.

Third, you can change your feelings for him. Get therapy and redefine your definition of love. Once the lightbulb goes on, you may experience the physical attraction. All marriages require work. And, physical attraction will only take you so far in a relationship.
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post #10 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 07:53 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

I think attraction is critical in a marriage. But I also think that your abusive past is making you misinterpret what you see with your own eyes. Since he's not abusive, since he's not a bad boy, since he's actually giving you the time a day and isnt dismissive… These are things that make him appear unattractive.

If he has bad hygiene, or a bad clothing choices, or a bad smell… definitely laid out for him and make him correct it. You shouldn't have to live with that. If that's the case then write him a note which might be easier than talking about it.

I do think you were trying to self sabotage, and your abusive past tells you you don't deserve this. But it's also possible that he's just not attractive to you. I think you need to sort that out. You'll need to see several counselors to find a good one, but I think it's definitely worth it.

He also needs to man up and stop being so nice to you. He needs understand that you need a little bit of a chase. He needs to know that he can't put you on a pedestal.

Does your husband know of your promiscuous past? Does he know that you prefer the bad boys? I'm really curious what he knows about your past.

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post #11 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 07:58 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

MMSLP is more appropriate based on what she is saying she wants.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

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post #12 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 08:10 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Sounds like he needs to shave his head, get a neck tattoo, and become emotionally distant.

ETA: For the record, I'm in the "divorce amicably and find a partner that you actually want" camp.

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Last edited by GusPolinski; 03-07-2017 at 09:35 AM.
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post #13 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 08:33 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostinthought61 View Post
It was one thing to subject your physical and mental health to a bad boy when you were young and single.....but it is not okay to do that when you have young children...and you end up possibly subjecting them to another one of mom's boyfriend who frighten us or worse...then all you are doing is repeating your history for them, with the possibility of one of them becoming you...could you live with that? ...so don't you think it should stop with you? What ever this is between your husband and you not feeling it, you owe it to your kids and him to find out why you feel this way....seek help first before attempting to move on....otherwise leave the family alone....if you want to be a train wreck do it alone.
This.

Get counselling now. Or you should give him full custody if you decide to go 'explore' yourself and you can get visitation. He sounds like the responsible one here. And the bad boy boyfriend part mentioned above bother me because I see it all the time. Girls in my parts get molested/raped by mommy's boyfriend. And mommy won't do a thing about it because she is in love. Make me want to vomit!

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.

Last edited by EunuchMonk; 03-07-2017 at 08:38 AM.
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post #14 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 08:45 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

No marriage is ever perfect. We trade off on certain features.

Sometimes, when we get far out from the honeymoon phase, we tend to look back with a lot of negativity, which can help our minds justify things such as leaving a good spouse. For instance, when you got engaged, were you excited and happy, or were you sad and disappointed? I kinda doubt that you would have made your vows if you weren't in love.

The newness fades, the excitement wears off, and we are left with boring old daily life. Then we drift. Then we start to make excuses why we should be able to leave.

If you leave him, do not expect to find a man even remotely as good as he is. Prepare yourself for some hot passionate sex, and nonstop heartbreak. Get ready to watch your kids suffer to levels you haven't imagined yet, but you will have some passionate banging as the prize for stealing their safe, happy childhoods.

Don't get me wrong. I'm divorced and remarried. I watched and continue to watch my kids suffer from the breakup of my marriage. I am a super passionate person, so I'm not knocking that quality in you. Before giving up, I think you owe it to your family to try. Get the couselling. Tell your husband you want to fall back in love. Go on dates, romantic weekends away, get new lingerie, toys, couples massages...whatever floats your boats. For goodness sake buy him a cologne that when you smell it you want to devour him. (For me its Light Blue Dolce Gabbana)

This isn't going to be easy. It's pretty rare for us as women to fall back in love. Your husband and relationship truly sounds like they are worth your efforts to try. Now that this is out in the open, you can both work hard on it together. You will never regret the time spent right now to try to make this work. On the other hand, if you give up, you may regret that the rest of your life. I wish you the best, wherever your path leads you.

Ciao,

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post #15 of 72 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:22 AM
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Re: Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!

People really need to get a grip. Shaming and fear mongering isn't helpful. Turns out, it's entirely possible to divorce amicably, date responsibly, and find a new partner who is actually compatible on all levels, physical included.

So what if he's a great guy? He's not the right great guy for OP or she wouldn't be here.

@AJBrooks, the truth is you made a mistake. You married a man you weren't chemically compatible with in hopes that romantic love would grow over time. It hasn't and now you've let this go on so long you're actively repulsed by him. You can't manufacture chemical, physical, sexual compatibility. Attraction is either there or it's not. So, what now?

* You could stay married and be more or less best friends and roommates.

*You could stay married and resume sex when he asks for it. Just close your eyes and think of England.

*You could ask for an open marriage so the family stays intact and you and your husband are both free to have your physical and emotional needs met outside of the marriage.

*You could amicably divorce and free both of you to find truly compatible partners.

Personally, I think staying married is the worst choice. Staying married deprives you both permanently. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone I don't physically want and I wouldn't want to be married to someone who doesn't physically want me.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.

Last edited by MJJEAN; 03-07-2017 at 09:31 AM.
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