at Crossroads after 14 years...
Hope I have come to the right place, because I really need some solid advice. Not very good at bearing my soul but here goes.
My wife and I met when we were about 22, she is 6 months older but looks 6 years younger than me. We were introduced thru a mutual friend who is married to her older sister. (I will go in a bit more detail about our past to give you a deeper insight.) I went to see her but she said no to me, because she didnt want to marry someone who was younger than her ( Her sister is married to my friend who is 4 years younger). Anyhow, we remained friends and I had some other not so serious girlfriends during this time. Finally we continued to chat and began liking each other and ended up together with the consent & approval of our families.
I come from a fairly conservative family and so does she. I live in the Middle East, but have been educated in the West. She was born to eastern parents living in the West but has been educated in a highly conservative institution in the East. When I married her, I thought I was getting best of both worlds, a Modern conservative. She is a beautiful, smart and loyal wife. We had our first child a year after marriage(it was intentional) just before I turned 24 (in hindsight Too early).
Fast forward 10-12 years, we have 5 lovely children and a comfortable life. We live in a joint family setup, where we have a cook, cleaner and driver available to her. During those years, there were 2 instances, where she "caught" me chatting to one of my exs from the West who was going thru a divorce and I was comforting her during that period. I was Not having an affair with her (emotional or otherwise), in all honesty I did enjoy talking to her but had no emotional attachment whatsoever. However I did not tell my wife, as I felt she wouldnt understand or approve. Finally I completely broke off all contact with my ex.
I am still attracted to and love my wife. We have a fairly active sex life (maybe twice a week), although 90% of the time it is I who has to initiate, she reciprocates. She looks after me well but I have always felt she has been a wonderful mother more than a great wife to me. Due to her education, she is a fair bit more conservative in her views and ways than I am. Even I am not some wild child, I dont and never have smoked or drank or partied. In general I am quite an introvert and really just open up very selectively at time and with certain people.
Ok so coming down to the issue at hand, I ended up chatting (only online) with a younger girl (more than 10 years) thru social media. I did not go looking, she had contacted me on facebook before and we were talking casually ( 2 days) and my wife found out. It was nothing and to prove that I got off Facebook completely. A couple of months later, while I was travelling, that girl got in touch with me thru another media, and I spoke to her during my trip. Again, it was very casual talk and I made sure there was absolutely no other insinuations from my end. So I came back from my trip and told my wife everything (in total it was for 4 days) and she freaked out.
After that, I have come to strongly realize that I have no mental connection with my wife except for our kids. We really dont talk much, I just feel I dont have anything in common with her. We dont like or enjoy the same things. I think because of her being busier with the kids, we have drifted and this distance has only increased. She, due to my repeated betrayals, feels insecure and doesnt trust me. We continue to go on normally, have fights on this issue sometimes, but otherwise continue to coexist in peace.
I am feeling quite alone and miserable. Other than seeing my kids, I feel no joy in my life. While I spoke to that girl, although just casual, I enjoyed it as I felt I had more to talk about with her. I feel there is this void in my life, where I dont have anyone I can talk my heart out to without being judged and measured. I feel I made this huge mistake of marrying someone just because she was the Most Appropriate Partner and not because we are Crazily compatible. I also feel guilty that I am making my wife suffer due to my mistakes. I have never told her that we dont have any connection because that would be pretty much a nail in the coffin.
There are times, when I consider it would be best to just get divorced, but then I cannot do this to my kids. I d rather live like this than put my happiness before theirs. I would really appreciate some advice on how to go on. I feel I m literally living on auto pilot with no pleasure or passion for the future.