Feel Unappreciated by My Husband - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:06 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Feel Unappreciated by My Husband

Hi All- looking for advice about my marriage.

Background: I've been married 2 years- we also have a beautiful 7 month-old son (also an awesome step-daughter from his previous relationship). We both work full-time (he works 12 hour shifts 3 to 4 days a week/ I have a traditional M - F 8 to 5). He is 33 and I am 35.

We both contribute equally to all of our joint expenses. I make all of the bill payments, take care of our son most of the time, cook, and keep a relatively clean house (dishes/mopping/dusting/washing). Although I will say I am not a huge fan of laundry, so sometimes I will leave our son's clothes in the dryer overnight if I do not get to folding. My husband goes to pick up baby formula and groceries for us on his off days. He also buys clothing for our son often. He is also a very organized person.

I try to cook at least 3 to 4 times per week because I know working 12 hour shifts is tough on my husband. There are some days where I may have a late night conference call for work around 9 pm, so on those days I do not have time to cook after bathing our son and feeding him once I get home from work.

Last night I had a conference call, so when my husband called me after he got off work, he asked "what's for dinner tonight?" I told him I was on the way to pick up some healthy take-out for us. Then it starts to rain during our conversation. I ask my husband if he wouldn't mind picking up the take-out on his way home (the place is 2 minutes from our home) instead because I didn't want to take our 7-month old outside in the rain since he was sick the previous few days.

He agreed, so I thought everything was ok. My son and I went home.

Once my husband got home, he gave me the silent treatment while I was feeding our son and getting him ready for a bath. I see my husband make his plate and I ask him if he would mind making a plate for me so that I could eat quickly after bathing our son before my conference call.

My husband goes OFF. He says, "You think I'm supposed to go to work and then come home and serve you!? WOW. Women in 2017 (shook his head)!"

I was sincerely hurt by this for a number of reasons. Mostly because I never looked at assisting or "serving" my husband as a chore or a tally of who is doing what. It made me feel like all the times I get up at 4 am with our son, go to work, come home and cook and "serve" him food means absolutely nothing to him. I have asked him to go to the store maybe 5 times since we have been together, and I rarely ask him to cook or prepare food.

On several occasions he has made reference to what I do not do well, and I receive no appreciation or recognition by him unless he wants something. When I talk to him about it he will apologize and then criticize or say something negative again a few days later. I feel like I am getting to a point of shutting down emotionally.

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post #2 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:19 AM
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Re: Feel Unappreciated by My Husband

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My husband goes OFF. He says, "You think I'm supposed to go to work and then come home and serve you!? WOW. Women in 2017 (shook his head)!"
Well, that was uncalled for. Sounds like your husband keeps the wrong company. Maybe he has a couple MGTOW or Red Pill buddies. I mean, to say something like that to your wife is really strange. Like someone who is under the wrong influences regurgitating out what they have heard elsewhere.

You should tell him you work just like him and you are not his maid, neither his mother, respectfully of course.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #3 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:22 AM
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Re: Feel Unappreciated by My Husband

people who are hypercritical usually have an ego problem.

he doesn't respect you, in fact he looks down on you? why is that?
he should treat you as an equal, meaning give you the benefit of the doubt unless you
actually do something foolish or selfish (you didn't).

what does he do for 12 hours, 3 days a week? what makes him feel superior and what feeds into this over sized ego?
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post #4 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feel Unappreciated by My Husband

Thank you
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post #5 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:28 AM
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Re: Feel Unappreciated by My Husband

How's the rest of the marriage?

Is there intimacy (sex, kissing, hugging, affection)?

What did you say to him after his uncalled for response?
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post #6 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feel Unappreciated by My Husband

He works as a process engineer in a manufacturing plant...

Yes, I do feel like he is being influenced by his buddies at work. It was a very strange, left-field comment. No disrespect to housewives (I would love to be a housewife LOL), but most of his buddies' wives do not work and his mother did not either. I am guessing his friends' wives have more free time to have dinner ready, pamper, etc..maybe he is jealous of his buddies' lives.

Unfortunately, we do not have the means for this. We need both of our incomes.
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post #7 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:35 AM
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Re: Feel Unappreciated by My Husband

I have a friend who works 12 hour shifts, 4 days on then 4 days off, and while she is working it is a pretty tiring shift. She is single, no children, and still her working days are work and sleep with little time for anything else.

None of that excuses your H for speaking to you like that.

If he only works 3-4 days per week that gives him at least one, if not two, spare day(s) to catch up with other stuff around the house, such as laundry or making crock pot dinners for the nights when you are late, that you then shouldn't need to be doing.

Does he have dinner ready for you on his non working days?
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post #8 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feel Unappreciated by My Husband

The intimacy is almost non-existant now because I don't feel connected when being constantly criticized and disrespected. I am also pretty much exhausted most of the time since our little one was born...

When we first dated and got married, sex and intimacy was AMAZING.
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post #9 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feel Unappreciated by My Husband

Yes- I agree! On top of this, he gets seven days off straight every month!

I am sensitive to the 12-hour shift - I know that it has to be exhausting, so I try the best I can. However, I do need help sometimes too...

I just feel like he feels he is superior....
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post #10 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:56 AM
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Re: Feel Unappreciated by My Husband

hes resentful because hes not getting any love.....which means sex to a guy.


he also probably doesn't feel appreciated. most people only see what they do and fail to see what their other half does.

when feeling unappreciated people tend to see allllllllllllll the things they do as much better than the things their partner does. and to make matters worse they then minimize what their partner does which makes it seem even more unbalanced.

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post #11 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feel Unappreciated by My Husband

Thanks for your comment...

I would say that my husband does do a LOT, and I appreciate him for it. Maybe I will try to express this more to him and see if that helps.
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post #12 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:16 AM
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Re: Feel Unappreciated by My Husband

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Originally Posted by Sunshine2017 View Post
The intimacy is almost non-existant now because I don't feel connected when being constantly criticized and disrespected. I am also pretty much exhausted most of the time since our little one was born...

When we first dated and got married, sex and intimacy was AMAZING.
No matter how exhausted either are in a marriage, time must be spent together sans kid.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #13 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:18 AM
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Re: Feel Unappreciated by My Husband

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Thanks for your comment...

I would say that my husband does do a LOT, and I appreciate him for it. Maybe I will try to express this more to him and see if that helps.
It may be reciprocated!! Worth a shot. It is tough working jobs, home, kids and keeping a marriage. Some days one will just have a crappy day and then be asked to do something. Lashing out occurs.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #14 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:21 AM
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Re: Feel Unappreciated by My Husband

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Thanks for your comment...

I would say that my husband does do a LOT, and I appreciate him for it. Maybe I will try to express this more to him and see if that helps.
how do you show your appreciation?

if you want him show his appreciation then you have to do the same.

the key is to show him how he needs you to. (sex)

and for you to communicate how you like to be shown appreciation.

good luck and remember small kids small problems big kid big problems.
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post #15 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 11:30 AM
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Re: Feel Unappreciated by My Husband

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Originally Posted by chillymorn69 View Post
how do you show your appreciation?

if you want him show his appreciation then you have to do the same.

the key is to show him how he needs you to. (sex)

and for you to communicate how you like to be shown appreciation.

good luck and remember small kids small problems big kid big problems.
Appreciation, for me, is not sex. It is verbally communicated. My W saying, "Thanks. I really appreciate....fill in the blank." I reciprocate. My W is a SAHM. I thank and appreciate all she does. If it was not for my W taking care of the home front I would not be able to do what I do daily. Further, I will from time to time bring home flowers "just because".

It is easy to lose sight of one another.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road

Last edited by Yeswecan; 03-07-2017 at 11:40 AM.
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