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post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 07:40 PM Thread Starter
zio
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Ex won't stop contacting me no matter what I do

Deleted everything, just incase. Anyways, the problem in this thread was an obsessive ex won't stop contacting no matter how much I asked for him to leave me alone, and then used threats and blackmail. This isn't the first time. But this is what you do no matter how hard it is, how manipulative it can be, or how much fear and worry it will be.

If you want to move on from an obsessive, manipulative, abusive, toxic person you were in a relationship with, and save yourself from worry and fear, follow these steps. I wish I had have done that in the first place and saved my heart years from pain but manipulation and fear can really screw you over.

1. You MUST stop all contact. Literally delete everything e.g. chats, photos, videos, number, apps etc. You MUST get to the root and kill it. Delete everything so that you don't have any excuse for you to be tempted to make contact, and for the other person to find it impossible to even contact you. Though it can be a pain, change your number, email addresses, accounts etc. Don't go back, don't have mercy, and don't you even try to sympathise with a manipulative person. Just cut all ties. If you do this: a) He/she may still try contact you, but as long as you deleted everything they will soon get over it; b) You save yourself from so much problems.

2. Do not try to feel sorry and go back on your decision and kid to yourself that you will just keep contact and 'nothing' more will happen. Do you know why? Because this obsessive stalker or whatever they are, will try say things like 'let's stay friends', 'I just want to check on you from time to time' just so they can keep a grip on you. Slowly without realising you will end up where you began (speaking from experience). Therefore, do not fall for this trap!

3. If you could not follow through with steps 1 and 2, and for those who were like me who felt sympathy, guilt and attachment to a manipulator and thought to yourself 'it's over, what could he/she possibly do' and then in a few weeks or months change your mind to wanting to completely remove him/her from your life because you felt tied down, BUT then faced with blackmail and threats, DO NOT even try to fix the problem or negotiate. Once this person blackmails or threatens you, he/she will try make you think they have something on you, the worry and fear will start to build inside you, you will try to do what they say just so what they say does not happen. If you were threatened and decided not to leave the relationship because you feared what they will do to you, you are going to feel like you are taking your full precautions every minute. If you had a bit of trust in this person, after a blackmail or threat is made that trust is diminished entirely and the relationship will never be the same. You will always be worried that if you do something wrong they will threaten or blackmail you again. They will manipulate you in staying thinking there is no other way. Emotionally and mentally you will feel trapped with no choice.

So, how do you get out of this? How do you respond to a threat or blackmail? From experience, if you are being threatened or blackmailed, do not let your fear try to run your actions (Though it's harder than said). Immediately, ignore, don't respond, and do what is required in step 1. Remove and delete every contact you have with this person. Don't even think about responding to these threats, from experience, a) it will add more fuel to the fire, b) it makes you look emotionally weak and fearful c) it will continue as long as you keep responding (lesson learnt). Don't even make compromises and don't even send anything if asked (most likely a person will ask of such an action because they possess nothing from you, but will try in a subliminal way to get something from you). DELETE EVERYTHING. Sooner or later after 24 hours of constant worry you will find that his/her threats are just empty words without action. For example, if a person tries to threaten you or your family, uses profane language, violence etc. and does nothing within a few hours or even a day. It was an empty threat. Move on and don't even think about contacting this person ever again.

4. Now, if you feel that something is going to happen. It is so important that you don't keep this bottled up inside you by yourself. It is important that if you feel danger let someone know about it i.e. parents, friend, partner etc. Do not keep it to yourself, it will eat you up and will keep you emotionally and mentally down. You need the support of people in this time. If something is to happen, at least you will know that you have confessed to someone than for them to find out by this manipulator.

5. Before, or even after something like this happens. As a lawyer, you will be deemed a victim for anything that is published without consent and is used for defaming you. Seek the police and legal advice as soon as possible if the problem you are facing is of serious concern.

As a person that has been manipulated greatly by such a person and didn't follow any of the rules stated above and only did so after it ruined so many years of my life. The best way to get out of all this before it reaches to the stage of threats and blackmail is to completely cut off all contact for good. Definitely do not compromise or even think about staying as 'friends' with an obsessive crazy manipulator stalker. Get out from the beginning before it gets worse. Trust me.

I hope this helps anyone that is facing a crazy person that won't let them go and doesn't take no as an answer. Therefore, kill the root of the problem at it's early stages.


Last edited by zio; 03-12-2017 at 10:14 AM.
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post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 07:47 PM
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Re: Ex won't stop contacting me no matter what I do

What he is doing is stalking, its illegal in the US and many places.

Has he ever threatened, or do you think he is likely to be violent? If not:

Send him a very clear simple email telling him to stop contacting you in any way. Tell him that if he contacts you again, you will contact the police. If he does contact you again, call the police. If he distributes pictures of you without your permission that is now a pretty serious crime in many areas. Again contact the police. The pictures may be embarrassing to you, but they will put him in prison.

When you email him you don't need to be harsh / threatening - just a factual. "I've asked you to stop contacting me on several occasions. If you contact me again, I am going to report it to the police".


If you think he might become violent, then contact the police right away.
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post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 07:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ex won't stop contacting me no matter what I do

.

Last edited by zio; 03-12-2017 at 09:22 AM.
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post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 08:07 PM
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Re: Ex won't stop contacting me no matter what I do

You need to be more creative in hiding your identity.

But, I admit that is so hard with computers and cell phones, professional associations, networking sites, Face Book, Linked In, etc., ad-nauseum.

On the photos and videos? Let that be a lesson for everyone. Digital media and photos never disappear.

I would go into hiding for a few years. Change your screen names on all communication software and websites.

Then, ignore him...forever and a week. If you never answer he will not know "for sure" if he has re-contacted you.

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post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 08:17 PM
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Re: Ex won't stop contacting me no matter what I do

How bad are the photos/videos?


If I were you I would:

Tell my fiance the truth about everything.

Try to contact his wife/family and show the messages illustrating his harassment and ask that they reach out to him to ask him to stop.

Ask the university if it's possible to get a new email address. It's very likely they will be understanding if you explain the situation.

Block him on all other social media sites, consider starting new profiles, block others from being able to search you (I know FB offers this option).
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post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 08:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ex won't stop contacting me no matter what I do

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Last edited by zio; 03-12-2017 at 09:23 AM.
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post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:56 PM
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Re: Ex won't stop contacting me no matter what I do

I think stalking is serious enough to get law enforcement involved. The OP should not have to hide on social media and the law is on her side.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Keke24 View Post
How bad are the photos/videos?


If I were you I would:

Tell my fiance the truth about everything.

Try to contact his wife/family and show the messages illustrating his harassment and ask that they reach out to him to ask him to stop.

Ask the university if it's possible to get a new email address. It's very likely they will be understanding if you explain the situation.

Block him on all other social media sites, consider starting new profiles, block others from being able to search you (I know FB offers this option).
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post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:02 PM
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Re: Ex won't stop contacting me no matter what I do

Good job telling your fiance everything. I think I would completely ignore this guy when he contacts you and if he doesn't stop, ask him to never contact you again (if you haven't already), then when he doesn't stop, expose his stalking behavior to his wife/family like @Keke24 suggested. And contact the police to have it on record and get a restraining order if possible. Even see if you can get your university email changed, unless he'd be able to just look it up again.

This guy is creepy. But the fact that your fiance knows you (like most people) did stupid things when you were young and some photos/videos are out there takes away a huge stressor for you. Unless this guy is physically dangerous, he's just an irritant. Yes, he could embarrass you, but your fiance will stand by you. He can't ruin your life. He probably gets off on knowing you're nervous about the pictures and if that energy is no longer there, hopefully he'll lose interest. Kind of the way bullies know how to pick the scared person to taunt. The people who aren't afraid are no fun to mess with.
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post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 08:27 AM
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Re: Ex won't stop contacting me no matter what I do

Find out if it's possible to block him on your university email. Alternately, get a new university mail address - they will very likely give you one if you tell them you're being stalked by an ex - and block him on it from the get-go. Block him on all social media. Block him on your phone and any and all messaging apps. If he's still somehow able to contact you, then ignore his messages. The more you respond to him, the more he will continue to contact you. You've already asked him to stop contacting you. Now it's your turn to stop contacting him back. Do not respond, in any way, to any of his attempts at contact. It's pretty likely that he will lose interest and stop eventually, provided he's not getting any response - at all - from you.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 08:42 AM
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Re: Ex won't stop contacting me no matter what I do

He expects you to respond. He can expect this & expect that, all he wants. He can expect the world to fall at his feet, but that doesn't mean it's going to happen. He's blackmailing you. It's disgusting.

You've told your fiancé about everything.

I'm assuming that you work for the university? If not, deactivate your email. Get a completely new one and one that isn't associated with the university.

Block him. Never, ever answer a single text, email, phone call. Nothing. Do NOT respond to him in any way, shape, or form.


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post #11 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 08:48 AM
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Re: Ex won't stop contacting me no matter what I do

Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingWife View Post
And contact the police to have it on record and get a restraining order if possible.
This. Sounds like a stalker. Start treating him as such.

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post #12 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 08:58 AM
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Re: Ex won't stop contacting me no matter what I do

If you live in the United States (or elsewhere for that matter) consider:

Contacting local law enforcement. They are in the best position to help you and discuss various options. It can range to giving advice to more intrusive intervention. You should at least understand your situation and options to make an informed decision on how to move forward.

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post #13 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:16 AM
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Re: Ex won't stop contacting me no matter what I do

They live in different countries. I doubt her local law enforcement would have any authority over him.

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post #14 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:32 AM
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Re: Ex won't stop contacting me no matter what I do

That does complicate it, but there may be something that they can do. Its also good to get it on record in case he comes to her country.


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They live in different countries. I doubt her local law enforcement would have any authority over him.
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post #15 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:42 AM
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Re: Ex won't stop contacting me no matter what I do

Getting a police report now may be helpful in the future. Like if the guy moves to your country or visits your country. If you are in the EU there may be EU laws which cross borders. If he is violating laws where he lives, it may be possible to get some kind of restraining order against him there.

Zio, you've told your fiance about your past with this guy, so you have nothing really to lose if he does release whatever information he has. I think you are overly fearful of him. He has even said he won't make those things public.

You have every right to be free of him. You have no obligation to be nice to him, to talk to him, to respond to him, or for him to be able to know how to contact you. I am not sure you really understand those things. Do you?

I think you should explore what your legal rights are. Your university may have some kind of legal office where you could talk to a lawyer for free. I think the university has an obligation to help you since he is harassing you on your university email.

It may be possible to reverse the pressures to make him stop. Have you saved copies of the emails or other contacts he's made with you? His parents, his fiance, even his religious leaders may be contacted by you. Ask them to ask him to leave you alone. Your relationship with him was a long time ago. You could even include a copy of one of his messages to you in your contact with those people. This would show them he is being unreasonable and that you have asked him to leave you alone. It would also let him know that you have more potentially embarrassing things which you could send to those people.
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