Re: Husband Calls ex-girlfriend daily
Been there, done that.
Left the marriage, moved out, expressed my (valid) feelings that it was an emotional affair and could bring nothing positive to our marriage, and that he needed to cut ties and choose between using his time and energy towards our family and marriage or to keep siphoning off my energy for something that could never benefit US.
From what I can see, he chose the real marriage vs. her but one never knows. From what I can experience, I don't feel a huge energy drain and he does seem to be more present than he used to be and to enjoy a pleasant and fulfilling day to day life. What your H is doing to you is emotionally abusive because he knows it bothers you and you have voiced your feelings to him, but he continues to do this. He had a sexual relationship with her before (I'm guessing...you said gf...) and it is affecting your ability to enjoy marital sex with him and his companionship which is something you deserve as a right in your marriage. He is asking you to be abusive to yourself in accepting that he does this, when he has the wherewithal to cease all contact. That's not something your best buddy and life partner should ask of you. It's not something I would do to myself, and I put my body exactly in the place where life was how I wanted it, which was not in our house. My H saw that I was serious and changed his ways. This was after 4 years of his behavior and he lied about the modes of contact as well as frequency and so forth. An affair doesn't have to be sexual in order to be problemmatic and unhealthy to a couple. It doesn't even have to be with opposite sex, it could be with a buddy, a hobby, overwork, finances, dangerous habits like speeding or texting while driving, smoking, not taking care of one's physical health, alcohol, addictive computer games, etc.
Follow your gut and when you close the door close it firmly but if you are open to a relationship with your H do not burn bridges. The point is to get your life the way you want it, I am all for sticking up for what you want in a married relationship, if you have used words and expressed your feelings and it didn't work then physically sending the message that you are going to take care of yourself emotionally and give yourself the environment and home life you deserve is best. He might actually be enjoying the attention you give him due to the phone calls and doesn't know how to recognize or acknowledge his need for attention from you and so keeps doing what has worked. I have often said that for a lot of people negative attention is just as good as positive attention. It is almost like cutting behavior...the negative attention lets him know he exists and that someone cares about him. It's a way of keeping another close to you to alleviate various insecurities and inadequacies. The fact that the other woman builds him up and probably lends him a sympathetic ear when he complains about your 'nagging' (expressing feelings to him) aids in this. She can feel useful the way a lot of women like to feel useful and saintly and loving. I'll bet almost anything when she has to listen to him about how his wife left him and deal with him when he turns to her for sympathy, she'll firmly establish her identity as his ex and become strangely busy with work, etc.
Meanwhile, you can get IC because it is never a bad idea when you come up against these frustrating situations where you end up with people doing hurtful things and then messing with your reality telling you that you're ummmmm, being 'paranoid' and that YOU are 'insecure'. It's a bunch of BS you're being fed of course, but therapy can help you call it when it happens and put a lid on it without having to resort to the extremes you find yourself in now (and the extremes I went to as well). Moving is a huge hassle, but it can be quite LIBERATING. There's no need for a woman to stay in a marraige that's overly crowded with past conquests. (He should learn to have a better imagination and to keep it to himself, like a mature adult. For whatever reason, I think us women have better skills at this, probably because men can be so sensitive when it comes to sexual performance and other desirabilities.)