Thank you for the insightful questions. I would think about the answer. Now think back about the time when we were dating, i was always rational from the begining. I was observing him whether he can be a good husband (responsible, can share house work, can take care of kids, willful, hardworking, smart). I thought these are all criterias i wanted in a husband. After seeing all that in him, i believed he's the Mr Perfect and i decided to become his girlfriend. He loves me and was kind and honest so i didn't have any reason to break up. I don't have other love feeling to compare against. I wonder if i was too rational to neglect about the true feeling of love. I did have strong feeling about him when we were dating. He was my first boyfriend and i never date anyone else. I didn't feel extremely happy on my wedding day as many of my friends seem to feel if that matters. I thought that marrying him is the right decision to have peaceful life. Things go well for both of us, good education, good job, good financial situation and now we're fortunate enough to have healthy smart cute 2 year old girl. What we achieved in life so far is very similar with my wish before marriage, except the feeling part that seems to have been absent in me for the past 2 years.
Sounds you had a List to check off, a very "practical" list..... but was there ever Passion...did you crave being with him, fantasize about him.. Couldn't get enough of each other...do you have memories like this... would you miss him when he wasn't around....has he been the one you want to run to & share your highest high's, or be comforted by, his arms around you, when things are falling apart?
In your beginning .. was there that something "Extra special" you felt about your Union, what he brings to your life... besides just being a "Good man who would make a decent husband/ father/ Provider?" We can all look good on paper, or sound like a perfect match, yet still the "chemistry" could be way off... maybe our humors don't mesh, could be even little things that end up BIG things..
I read this yesterday in this book....The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts
It speaks in the "Romantic Marriage" section....quoting the author....
"All Courtship begins with a fantasy - a fervent desire, bordering on delusion, that another person can step in and magically undo all of life's hurts and disappointments. The new loved one will adore you forever, protect you, drive away wicked people, make you feel whole, valued, beautiful, worthy and honorable -forever. But courtship also begins with the fear that none of these fantasies will materialize, that earlier disappointments will be repeated, that you will be hurt, betrayed, and rejected for a more beautiful princess, or a more dashing prince. Even the Beatles, hardly out of their teens, sang , " Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I'm 64?"...
and few pages later... it says this:
"Marriage without fantasy or idealization is dull and dispirited. Many of the divorced couples I've seen appear to have never idealized each other. I've learned to ask myself about a divorcing couple (Obviously I can't ask it directly), was there ever a marriage here? Was there ever love, joy, hope, or idealization in this relationship? Often I am hard put to find it. Divorce does not always represent an erosion of love or high expectations; in many cases the expectations weren't high enough.
Idealization of the other is part of every happy marriage. In a romantic marriage the early idealizations remain very powerful. "
Any thoughts here??
I , too, married my 1st love.. we met in our teens...(this doesn't always mean a couple is doomed, that they missed out)... My husband has always referred to me as his soul mate .. as I have him... (I am aware the concept is wrong.. we could be happy with someone else too) but we're not offended by the word....we each have our story as to how it all came together, a feeling of "we were meant to be"... it's something I've always carried with me..... I may have to remind myself of it at times.. if I am angry at him in the moment.. but ultimately this stands strong, and comforts me...
We had a deep talk the other night, we were fighting about something even..... I brought up that word "Idealizing" (above)...been reading articles where some say it is UNHEALTHY.. to never do this.. while others say it IS HEALTHY, even needed to some extent....to have some of those "rose colored glasses" going on....who is to say...
I find it matters HOW it affects one's relationship ....None of us should blindly/ foolishly overlook hurtful disrespectful behaviors from our spouse, no matter how much we THINK or want to love them till the end, any placing on Pedestals -allows for the other to take advantage... or abuse the idealization of the other... but IF it's mutual, with a feeling of giving and cherishing what we share...this in turn helps us get through the harder times, those valleys, also finding it easier to forgive, over look each others faults...
It always takes 2... would you say your husband still carries DEEP feelings for you.. but you have lost yours, or question if you've ever had them @Peaceloverpv
? Surely if he is a sensitive man, he feels this from you, especially these past 2 years.. have you talked about it -at all?
Do you feel resentment towards your husband... could be over anything, this will slowly drive a wedge into your emotional connection, and those loving feelings ?