Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 43Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 09:38 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 909
Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

No such thing as soul mates. No such thing as luck. Got it?

If you aren't happy, only you can fix that. Go find your happiness.

GuyInColorado is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:50 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 7
Thanks for sharing. Since you didn't call him your ex i assume your marriage is in better shape now and you was able to feel love your hubby again? Please ignore if this is too personal for you to share.
Peaceloverpv is offline  
post #18 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:16 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 5
Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peaceloverpv View Post
Thank you for your comment. Do you think love can be temporary out in a marriage and that is ok? Could all my plain feeling be temporary as a result of me not knowing how to balance myself in the past. If we both work on marriage, there is a chance that i feel love again?
Peace, I guess you have found from all comments here that when there’s trouble in your marriage, it is usually from both sides. Otherwise, you wouldn’t come here to ask. If you search around in this forum, with the question you asked, most people here will say all the beautiful thing they have in their marriage and that won’t fit to your situation. They are happy, you are currently not. They are up on the hill, you are somewhere near the bottom. Can you climb up from where you are? Sure you can, but before that you should ask yourself: do you want to climb up? Only you can answer.

It is very important to think about your marriage back to the start. Was it joyful and happy, or crappy from day 1? What did you love about your husband at the time that you agreed to marry him? Are these qualities still there now? I mean if you don’t have any positive thing to say about your husband now, besides he's being a just "good" guy, it’s gone. If you can't recall any happy and joyful time with him then it’s gone.

Whether you still love him? Is this question even important? Love or not, it’s just how different people call it. Another person might be in exactly the same situation as you are but she names it different from you. You still call it “love”, she doesn’t, or vice versa. But it's the same situation. The real question you two should ask is if you want your old time marriage back and if you are willing to work on it.

Last edited by newlab; 03-09-2017 at 06:44 PM.
newlab is offline  
 
post #19 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 04:17 PM
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,093
Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

The grass is greener where you water it.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is offline  
post #20 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:10 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1
Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

There is a great quote, “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person,” by Mignon McLaughlin, an American author.

There is also a good remedy I hear Dr. Laura Schlessinger frequently recommend. Try treating your spouse like you would if you were madly in love with them; like they were the best person in the world, and like you were the best lover in the world. Do it for the next 30 days and see what happens. Include doing things for them in every way that you can think of, including trying to seduce them. It may rekindle your feelings because 'Feelings' often follow 'Actions'. It also may stir reactions from your spouse that will fire up the old feelings of love that you both need. An unhappy relationship is rarely just the fault of your spouse - it is usually both members of the marriage who are to blame. This 30 day test is a way to test whether a large part of the problem is your own fault.

I believe it is best to try and ignore the problems you have had and just try to concentrate on doing positive actions that work toward where you want to go and where you want to be - happily married.

From the limited details of your story, your husband sounds like a pretty good husband. If you get rid of him you may find that there are plenty of other women who would be glad to get him on the rebound. I have also heard that 70% of people who get a divorce at some point later wish they had not gotten a divorce. But usually they realize this too late to get back together again. Many times, unless it is Abuse, Addictions, or Adultery, they only find that they are even more unhappy after the divorce than they were before the divorce.

This advice comes from a guy with a One-In-A-Million marriage of 54 years.
Jim-50+ is offline  
post #21 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:04 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 2,322
Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

Resentment will kill any relationship. Unfortunately resentment is always the fault of the person feeling it.

Anger is appropriate in many instances in any relationship. Hopefully you bite your tongue at times so you don't say something you don't really mean, but it is not helpful to hold your anger in.

After anger you have two choices. Calm down and let it go, or start it up again until your issues are addressed. Building resentment is NOT a third option but that's what people do to themselves.

Any relationship requires that we let things go. Call it respecting the other persons point of view, choosing your battles... many names for it.

You are letting your resentment kill your relationship. We don't know if H is a jerk or if you are wrong or both are wrong or neither is wrong. But I don't think it matters.

When people talk about communicating they are talking about saying the hard truths that must be said (remember option #1 is let it go - but some things can't be let go). People are loath to be honest with their S.

So try in writing. "I am full of resentment and it's killing my love for you. It's hard to say but it's true. Will you work with me to try to address some of the issues I have so I can work through this? Some of it is me and some of it is you.". That would be hard to say but harder to ignore.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
TheTruthHurts is online now  
post #22 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 09:52 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 7
Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by hifromme67 View Post
If you hold anger and resentment towards your husband, that is probably a huge part of the problem. I wen through the same thing years ago. I didn't like him, didn't like him touching or kissing me, didn't like sleeping with him or having sex with him. All of that turns out was because of resentment I had towards him. If I didn't "like" him, I surely wasn't going to feel love for him.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Can i ask if your marriage improved since you realized your problem? Did you feel love again afterward? Thank you for sharing.
Peaceloverpv is offline  
post #23 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 10:17 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 7
Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by newlab View Post
Peace, I guess you have found from all comments here that when there’s trouble in your marriage, it is usually from both sides. Otherwise, you wouldn’t come here to ask. If you search around in this forum, with the question you asked, most people here will say all the beautiful thing they have in their marriage and that won’t fit to your situation. They are happy, you are currently not. They are up on the hill, you are somewhere near the bottom. Can you climb up from where you are? Sure you can, but before that you should ask yourself: do you want to climb up? Only you can answer.

It is very important to think about your marriage back to the start. Was it joyful and happy, or crappy from day 1? What did you love about your husband at the time that you agreed to marry him? Are these qualities still there now? I mean if you don’t have any positive thing to say about your husband now, besides he's being a just "good" guy, it’s gone. If you can't recall any happy and joyful time with him then it’s gone.

Whether you still love him? Is this question even important? Love or not, it’s just how different people call it. Another person might be in exactly the same situation as you are but she names it different from you. You still call it “love”, she doesn’t, or vice versa. But it's the same situation. The real question you two should ask is if you want your old time marriage back and if you are willing to work on it.
Thank you for the insightful questions. I would think about the answer. Now think back about the time when we were dating, i was always rational from the begining. I was observing him whether he can be a good husband (responsible, can share house work, can take care of kids, willful, hardworking, smart). I thought these are all criterias i wanted in a husband. After seeing all that in him, i believed he's the Mr Perfect and i decided to become his girlfriend. He loves me and was kind and honest so i didn't have any reason to break up. I don't have other love feeling to compare against. I wonder if i was too rational to neglect about the true feeling of love. I did have strong feeling about him when we were dating. He was my first boyfriend and i never date anyone else. I didn't feel extremely happy on my wedding day as many of my friends seem to feel if that matters. I thought that marrying him is the right decision to have peaceful life. Things go well for both of us, good education, good job, good financial situation and now we're fortunate enough to have healthy smart cute 2 year old girl. What we achieved in life so far is very similar with my wish before marriage, except the feeling part that seems to have been absent in me for the past 2 years.
Peaceloverpv is offline  
post #24 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 10:28 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 7
Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim-50+ View Post
There is a great quote, “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person,” by Mignon McLaughlin, an American author.

There is also a good remedy I hear Dr. Laura Schlessinger frequently recommend. Try treating your spouse like you would if you were madly in love with them; like they were the best person in the world, and like you were the best lover in the world. Do it for the next 30 days and see what happens. Include doing things for them in every way that you can think of, including trying to seduce them. It may rekindle your feelings because 'Feelings' often follow 'Actions'. It also may stir reactions from your spouse that will fire up the old feelings of love that you both need. An unhappy relationship is rarely just the fault of your spouse - it is usually both members of the marriage who are to blame. This 30 day test is a way to test whether a large part of the problem is your own fault.

I believe it is best to try and ignore the problems you have had and just try to concentrate on doing positive actions that work toward where you want to go and where you want to be - happily married.

From the limited details of your story, your husband sounds like a pretty good husband. If you get rid of him you may find that there are plenty of other women who would be glad to get him on the rebound. I have also heard that 70% of people who get a divorce at some point later wish they had not gotten a divorce. But usually they realize this too late to get back together again. Many times, unless it is Abuse, Addictions, or Adultery, they only find that they are even more unhappy after the divorce than they were before the divorce.

This advice comes from a guy with a One-In-A-Million marriage of 54 years.
Thank you Jim. I started to think about ignoreing my current feeling and not trying to name it. Instead focus on fixing the situation and name the feeling afterward. Today i got similar advice from your. That made me think more about this path. Appreciate your time and advice.
Peaceloverpv is offline  
post #25 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 12:19 AM
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,093
Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

You have a toddler. You have 25lbs of pure energy. Your thoughts and feelings are directed to many things - as normal for ALL parents. This is why "having a baby to save the marriage" = ALWAYS FAIL since it usually makes things worse. You'll need to have some TALK time with your husband. No phones to distract, no TV. And maybe talk in a semi-dark room, in the nude... which to me, seems to make things easier. It's not about sex, but not being aggressive - you are more vulnerable when naked, right? Ask him to be naked too... just talk to each other.

Unfortunately - your baseline for your husband is that HE is your first boyfriend. Being unhappy during the wedding is also problematic - did you marry young, like age 18? If this has been going on for years, then you have long-term resentment and second-thoughts issues. You're asking good questions... they need to be honest and no matter what, go to a MC to sort out communication and emotional issues.

Here is a possible problem, as I see it from what you have said. Your only romantic and sexual experience is this one man (or maybe 1-2 before him). And so it's possible you are asking yourself "Is this it?" You have no baseline to compare. This is why I TELL ALL young adults and older-teens in family/friends. DO NOT marry your high school sweetheart. You won't be the same, you are young. To date others... see what you like, different personalities, different styles of lovemaking. Especially in the "good old days", gay people got married without knowing they are gay or unsure and thinking doing the expected thing would cure them... meanwhile spending many many years in a sexless marriage. At 7 years, I would guess you are around age 25~27? Which means your brain has matured into knowing more of what you want. There is a reason that divorce is very high for young marriages - usually lasting about 5~7 years. The "7 year itch". I've been with or know women who got married to man #1 ~ #3 in their lives and had lame marriages, had a couple of kids - then in their 30~50s, start trying to live like they are in their 20's. Getting laid, etc. Sometimes being self-destructive. Since I have been with many many women - I had something to base on what I was looking for in a girlfriend. There are women which I AM GLAD I didn't have children with or married, etc. I didn't plan it - but my wife was like fireworks on our first kiss - and I was 40 back then. We do pretty good, we are a good team, we rarely argue - which we usually discuss issues and work on solutions. She didn't have everything I wanted in a life-partner, some things I would have usually rejected (smoker - she has since quit).

No matter how low you feel about your husband. DO NOT EVER cheat on him. You will also hurt yourself and cause a lot of chaotic mess. You and your husband should have at least 2~3 months of MC sessions to determine if the marriage is something YOU BOTH want. It doesn't matter if he DOES and you don't. It won't survive. Do you still have good sex? Do you both have any fun as a couple? I'm at year 6 with my wife - and have gone through the worst challenge a marriage can deal with. But we are working it and my wife is someone I adore, I trust (mostly - work in progress) and can see myself with 20 years from now.

If you can't see yourself with your husband 5, 10 or 20 years from now. Your marriage is failing. Make sure YOU DON'T get pregnant anytime soon. If the MC helps to open windows and show you that the good qualities of your husband are worth fighting for - great. If not... end it as friends so you can co-parent nicely. Even be "room-mates" for a while. For all you know, he may feel the same way. I had a mutual break up with a 3-month long girlfriend. Nothing wrong with either of us - just that things were not *fireworks*. It was a relief when she broke up with me - which I told her "you're right". I never shed a tear. When my wife and I broke up (she cheated) - I was in the hospital twice, lost 30lbs in 30 days... that was a year ago and I still hurt, even thou we are back together and easily BETTER as a couple today than we ever were before. I *DO* want to be with her until I die 20~30 years from now.

She's asleep now, not doing well. I rubbed her bare hip - short massage, rubbed her head checking her temp with my hand - because I care about her. She is my other half.


Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
TaDor is offline  
post #26 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 12:23 AM
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,093
Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

@Jim-50+ : I wouldn't recommend any advice from "Dr" Laura Schlessinger. She is NOT a doctor in psychology.... pretty much a gym teacher, it's what her degree is worth. She cheated on her husband and used SEX to get into the radio business. There are nude photos of her (on the internet) from the 70s taken by a radio personality who got her foot in the door (While she was married to someone else). Much of her advice is mean and hypocritical.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.

Last edited by TaDor; 03-11-2017 at 01:02 PM.
TaDor is offline  
post #27 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 03:04 PM
Member
 
SimplyAmorous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 13,818
Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peaceloverpv View Post
Thank you for the insightful questions. I would think about the answer. Now think back about the time when we were dating, i was always rational from the begining. I was observing him whether he can be a good husband (responsible, can share house work, can take care of kids, willful, hardworking, smart). I thought these are all criterias i wanted in a husband. After seeing all that in him, i believed he's the Mr Perfect and i decided to become his girlfriend. He loves me and was kind and honest so i didn't have any reason to break up. I don't have other love feeling to compare against. I wonder if i was too rational to neglect about the true feeling of love. I did have strong feeling about him when we were dating. He was my first boyfriend and i never date anyone else. I didn't feel extremely happy on my wedding day as many of my friends seem to feel if that matters. I thought that marrying him is the right decision to have peaceful life. Things go well for both of us, good education, good job, good financial situation and now we're fortunate enough to have healthy smart cute 2 year old girl. What we achieved in life so far is very similar with my wish before marriage, except the feeling part that seems to have been absent in me for the past 2 years.
Sounds you had a List to check off, a very "practical" list..... but was there ever Passion...did you crave being with him, fantasize about him.. Couldn't get enough of each other...do you have memories like this... would you miss him when he wasn't around....has he been the one you want to run to & share your highest high's, or be comforted by, his arms around you, when things are falling apart?

In your beginning .. was there that something "Extra special" you felt about your Union, what he brings to your life... besides just being a "Good man who would make a decent husband/ father/ Provider?" We can all look good on paper, or sound like a perfect match, yet still the "chemistry" could be way off... maybe our humors don't mesh, could be even little things that end up BIG things..

I read this yesterday in this book....The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts

It speaks in the "Romantic Marriage" section....quoting the author....

Quote:
"All Courtship begins with a fantasy - a fervent desire, bordering on delusion, that another person can step in and magically undo all of life's hurts and disappointments. The new loved one will adore you forever, protect you, drive away wicked people, make you feel whole, valued, beautiful, worthy and honorable -forever. But courtship also begins with the fear that none of these fantasies will materialize, that earlier disappointments will be repeated, that you will be hurt, betrayed, and rejected for a more beautiful princess, or a more dashing prince. Even the Beatles, hardly out of their teens, sang , " Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I'm 64?"...

and few pages later... it says this:

"Marriage without fantasy or idealization is dull and dispirited. Many of the divorced couples I've seen appear to have never idealized each other. I've learned to ask myself about a divorcing couple (Obviously I can't ask it directly), was there ever a marriage here? Was there ever love, joy, hope, or idealization in this relationship? Often I am hard put to find it. Divorce does not always represent an erosion of love or high expectations; in many cases the expectations weren't high enough.

Idealization of the other is part of every happy marriage. In a romantic marriage the early idealizations remain very powerful. "
Any thoughts here??

I , too, married my 1st love.. we met in our teens...(this doesn't always mean a couple is doomed, that they missed out)... My husband has always referred to me as his soul mate .. as I have him... (I am aware the concept is wrong.. we could be happy with someone else too) but we're not offended by the word....we each have our story as to how it all came together, a feeling of "we were meant to be"... it's something I've always carried with me..... I may have to remind myself of it at times.. if I am angry at him in the moment.. but ultimately this stands strong, and comforts me...

We had a deep talk the other night, we were fighting about something even..... I brought up that word "Idealizing" (above)...been reading articles where some say it is UNHEALTHY.. to never do this.. while others say it IS HEALTHY, even needed to some extent....to have some of those "rose colored glasses" going on....who is to say...

I find it matters HOW it affects one's relationship ....None of us should blindly/ foolishly overlook hurtful disrespectful behaviors from our spouse, no matter how much we THINK or want to love them till the end, any placing on Pedestals -allows for the other to take advantage... or abuse the idealization of the other... but IF it's mutual, with a feeling of giving and cherishing what we share...this in turn helps us get through the harder times, those valleys, also finding it easier to forgive, over look each others faults...

It always takes 2... would you say your husband still carries DEEP feelings for you.. but you have lost yours, or question if you've ever had them @Peaceloverpv ? Surely if he is a sensitive man, he feels this from you, especially these past 2 years.. have you talked about it -at all?

Do you feel resentment towards your husband... could be over anything, this will slowly drive a wedge into your emotional connection, and those loving feelings ?
SimplyAmorous is offline  
post #28 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 07:26 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 146
Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peaceloverpv View Post
I've been married for 7 years now, have 1 kid with my husband and for the past few years i feel like my feeling for him changed quite a lot, usually after verbal arguements. I've been so focusing on negative side. I hold unhappiness and unsatisfaction within me and those accumulated. I felt unheard. I felt distant. I gradually feel plain about our relationship. I thought about breaking up sometimes but never have courage to do so. I can still take care of him but whatever i do, i usually feel that it's my responsibility. I don't feel fulfilled or enjoying my marriage.
Sounds to me like there are issues in your marriage that are causing you to lose your love for your husband. What are your complaints about the marriage? Does he get angry with you? Does he dismiss what you say? It could be that he's great at meeting some of your needs (family commitment, financial support, etc.) but if he's not meeting your intimate needs (conversation, affection, companionship, sex), it's definitely possible to fall out of love and he needs to know that you're unhappy so he can work with you to fix it. And you can't fix it if there are anger issues (not saying there are, just mentioning that in case). Anger issues need to be fixed first to make it safe to share complaints, problems and work to fix them.
Jessica38 is offline  
post #29 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 05:26 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 119
Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peaceloverpv View Post
Can i ask if your marriage improved since you realized your problem? Did you feel love again afterward? Thank you for sharing.


Yes and then 2 years later I discovered a porn addiction. We are now dealing with the aftermath of that destruction. However, I do love him and we do express that to eachother.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
hifromme67 is offline  
post #30 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 09:11 AM
Member
 
Taxman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: The Frozen North
Posts: 181
Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

FIrst of all, know this: Love is rarely constant, it has eddys and currents. It happens in waves.
I know how I feel; When I am away from her, I want to be with her. When I am with her, I do not want to be anywhere else. She is in my head and I am in her head. (ok ok, we have been together 42 years and married 39 next month.) I don't know many definitions of love per se, but I define it as an almost physical need to be with someone.
Taxman is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
love after marriage

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Better Than No Love At All? wanttolove General Relationship Discussion 14 01-24-2016 03:23 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome