Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:42 PM Thread Starter
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Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

Hello,

I need help please. Anyone would please share with me what do you feel when you love a person? How do you know when you're in love in a long term relationship? I've been married for 7 years now, have 1 kid with my husband and for the past few years i feel like my feeling for him changed quite a lot, usually after verbal arguements. I've been so focusing on negative side. I hold unhappiness and unsatisfaction within me and those accumulated. I felt unheard. I felt distant. I gradually feel plain about our relationship. I thought about breaking up sometimes but never have courage to do so. I can still take care of him but whatever i do, i usually feel that it's my responsibility. I don't feel fulfilled or enjoying my marriage. It could be my sole problem as my husband is generally a good husband, loving dad, takes good care of the daughter. He seems to have been happy with the marriage. Just me that don't feel happy staying in the marriage. We have good relationship with both sides of family, no financial pressure. No mental or health issue. Everything seems fine or even very good except my own feeling toward my husband. How can we improve our relationship is actually not a big question but whether i am in love with my husband is a big one for me. Thanks for reading and i appreciate your comments.

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post #2 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:19 PM
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Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

Lots of guys can be "good". Any other positive from your husband, things you actually like/love/appreciate from him? How did you guys get married and how was the marriage in the first couple years? How old is your daughter?
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post #3 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:35 PM
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Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

When you are in love you feel a rush of dopamine just thinking about the other person. You want to spend a lot of time with them. You feel like you are emotionally bonded and you desire them sexually. After 44 years, just the smell of my wife stirs my lust. I like spending time with her and cannot imagine living without her. We met and were engaged 3 weeks later and that love is still here, maybe even stronger since it has matured. If you cannot see yourself spending the rest of your life with your husband, then you are not in love.

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post #4 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 12:00 AM
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Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

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Originally Posted by Peaceloverpv View Post
Hello,

I need help please. Anyone would please share with me what do you feel when you love a person? How do you know when you're in love in a long term relationship? I've been married for 7 years now, have 1 kid with my husband and for the past few years i feel like my feeling for him changed quite a lot, usually after verbal arguements. I've been so focusing on negative side. I hold unhappiness and unsatisfaction within me and those accumulated. I felt unheard. I felt distant. I gradually feel plain about our relationship. I thought about breaking up sometimes but never have courage to do so. I can still take care of him but whatever i do, i usually feel that it's my responsibility. I don't feel fulfilled or enjoying my marriage. It could be my sole problem as my husband is generally a good husband, loving dad, takes good care of the daughter. He seems to have been happy with the marriage. Just me that don't feel happy staying in the marriage. We have good relationship with both sides of family, no financial pressure. No mental or health issue. Everything seems fine or even very good except my own feeling toward my husband. How can we improve our relationship is actually not a big question but whether i am in love with my husband is a big one for me. Thanks for reading and i appreciate your comments.
Your question makes me feel sad for you because you clearly are not currently in love with your husband. If you were in love you would know it, you would feel happy and excited to be around your husband, you would not feel unheard or distant or plain about your relationship. Your situation is very common though. It is very easy to fall into bad habits in marriage where both, or one, spouse ends up feeling as you do.

I would read the "basic concepts" here. I think it could be extremely helpful to you and your husband:
Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts
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post #5 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 12:04 AM
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Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

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Originally Posted by Peaceloverpv View Post
Hello,

I need help please. Anyone would please share with me what do you feel when you love a person? How do you know when you're in love in a long term relationship? I've been married for 7 years now, have 1 kid with my husband and for the past few years i feel like my feeling for him changed quite a lot, usually after verbal arguements. I've been so focusing on negative side. I hold unhappiness and unsatisfaction within me and those accumulated. I felt unheard. I felt distant. I gradually feel plain about our relationship. I thought about breaking up sometimes but never have courage to do so. I can still take care of him but whatever i do, i usually feel that it's my responsibility. I don't feel fulfilled or enjoying my marriage. It could be my sole problem as my husband is generally a good husband, loving dad, takes good care of the daughter. He seems to have been happy with the marriage. Just me that don't feel happy staying in the marriage. We have good relationship with both sides of family, no financial pressure. No mental or health issue. Everything seems fine or even very good except my own feeling toward my husband. How can we improve our relationship is actually not a big question but whether i am in love with my husband is a big one for me. Thanks for reading and i appreciate your comments.
Seems like we are getting this post a lot on here. Talk to him. Really talk to him. Tell him what you need. Give him a chance before you throw it away. Marriage and life goes through cycles.

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I hold unhappiness and unsatisfaction within me and those accumulated. I felt unheard. I felt distant. I gradually feel plain about our relationship.
This is your problem, it's can kill love. But it doesn't mean it has to. But he needs the chance to fight.
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post #6 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 12:13 AM
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Cool Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

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Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
When you are in love you feel a rush of dopamine just thinking about the other persons. You want to spend a lot of time with them. You feel like you are emotionally bonded and you desire them sexually. After 44 years, just the smell of my wife stirs my lust. I like spending time with her and cannot imagine living without her. We met and were engaged 3 weeks later and that love is still here, maybe even stronger since it has matured. If you cannot see yourself spending the rest of your life with your husband, then you are not in love.
This makes entirely perfect sense!

As for both my XW and my RSXW, whenever I simply think about either of them, I feel this sudden rush of "strychnine!"

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #7 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

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Seems like we are getting this post a lot on here. Talk to him. Really talk to him. Tell him what you need. Give him a chance before you throw it away. Marriage and life goes through cycles.



This is your problem, it's can kill love. But it doesn't mean it has to. But he needs the chance to fight.
I had individual session with my marriage counselor and she also pointed to me that not communicating is the key problem. My husband might be thinking that if there is no love, then we should not try and waste time, although he still loves me. He wants me to make sure i still love him before we reconcile and give our marriage a try.
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post #8 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

Thank you for your comment. Do you think love can be temporary out in a marriage and that is ok? Could all my plain feeling be temporary as a result of me not knowing how to balance myself in the past. If we both work on marriage, there is a chance that i feel love again?
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post #9 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:46 AM
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Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

From our MC (Marriage counselor) and talking to long-term marriage people - the feeling of "love" goes up and down in waves through a marriage. You're gonna have good days and bad days. Not including cheating or abusive relationships. So sometimes there is a rut you need to work out. Now when it comes to us guys - we may NOT notice you are not happy and not quite hear you correctly when you bring it up. "happy now? what can I get you" vs "unhappy - may want a divorce". You'll need to be clear.

#1 thing YOU can do, is talk to a therapist as well as setup an MC meeting for you and your husband to attend. If he doesn't want to go - then that is an issue too.

All MARRIAGES require *work*. And if you have a toddler, they tend to suck the life out of romance. It's NORMAL. You need to have DATENIGHT with your husband at least 2-4 times a month.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.

Last edited by TaDor; 03-09-2017 at 04:10 PM.
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post #10 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 04:12 AM
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Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

If you hold anger and resentment towards your husband, that is probably a huge part of the problem. I wen through the same thing years ago. I didn't like him, didn't like him touching or kissing me, didn't like sleeping with him or having sex with him. All of that turns out was because of resentment I had towards him. If I didn't "like" him, I surely wasn't going to feel love for him.


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post #11 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 05:54 AM
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Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

There was a woman who had been married for, I think, 60 years.

Someone asked her this question: "During your marriage, did you ever think of divorce?"

Her reply was: "Divorced? Never! But murder? Oh, many times!"

You don't have to like someone all the time to love them.

Might I suggest more individual counselling for you and couple's counselling for both of you?

Your husband might also benefit from individual counselling, too.

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post #12 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 08:12 AM
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Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

Peace you hit the nail on the head communication...

Dr. Phil tells a story about a elderly couple he met at a some dinner, and they were celebrating their 50 years anniversary, and he casually asked them how did they make it 50 years together? the couple thought about it and she spoke for the both of them and said that there were times when she was in love or more in love than he was and other times when he was in love or more in love than she was....but at no time were they out of love together.

So consider this Peace, perhaps today you are less in love with him, you respect him and care about him but may not love him as you once did, but than something will happen that will spark something in you and remind you why you fell in love in the first place or you discover something new about him you like and understand that it may also happen the other way around when you find that you are so in love with him and he not so much. let's face it the world at times looks awesome when you look from the inside looking out, you feel trapped and stagnate but that is only a phase, a rut of sorts, because if generally speaking when your life is good for the most part, our mind tend to wander and we start re-examing who we are, what we want...and we start to question things....and we don't talk about it....on either side...this is when real relationships begin, not when you agree on everything but when you disagree on things...not as a challenge but as an opportunity to explore our differences, and understand our how each of us are changing as we get older....remember your not the same girl he married...nor is he the same boy.
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post #13 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 09:02 AM
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Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

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Thank you for your comment. Do you think love can be temporary out in a marriage and that is ok? Could all my plain feeling be temporary as a result of me not knowing how to balance myself in the past. If we both work on marriage, there is a chance that i feel love again?
Love is not just romantic feeling. And honestly love is not enough in a marriage. You could be deeply in love and if the person abuses you that is an issue and the love doesn't really matter. In your case I think hurt and resentment can obstruct love and eventually even kill it. If you don't feel like you are being heard this is a major problem. Does you husband know this? Have you articulated these feelings to him?

In many ways love is an action. There are people who cheat and still claim they are in love with their spouse who they are cheating on. Are they? I don't think so, not as I understand love. What is that love worth at that point anyway. My advice to you is to not get caught up in the butterflies and yearning that you feel when everything is new or even just without conflict, and work on communicating with your spouse. See if he can address your needs.

I suspect if he does, if you see him working for you that may change your feelings. If he doesn't want to change, if he changes and you still don't feel it then that will be the time to deal with the fact that your love is gone. Then it may be time to give up.

When you have flood in your house you must first fix the leak before you can fix the damage from the flood.
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post #14 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 09:02 AM
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Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

The book, The Five Love Languages, may help. Maybe he's not speaking your love language and you just need your love bucket filled.
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post #15 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 09:10 AM
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Re: Need your advice: How do you know if you are still in love with your spouse

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Thank you for your comment. Do you think love can be temporary out in a marriage and that is ok? Could all my plain feeling be temporary as a result of me not knowing how to balance myself in the past. If we both work on marriage, there is a chance that i feel love again?
My wife once told me that she thought she did not love me anymore. As painful as that sounds, it was important for me to hear that so that we could start working together to find ourselves in a better place. We have accomplished a lot, we now better understand what we need from one another, and how to better respect each other's personal development as we move forwards in life in a loving way.

The important thing is that it sounds like you want to feel in love again, and you actually can ask your husband to help you with that!

In the meantime is it OK to feel unloving towards your spouse? Absolutely! I'm fairly certain that this happens in all relationships as better fights play out passive aggressively and unspoken. What is important is that you work with your husband to talk about these feelings and try to address them together in a loving way.

Sometimes a simple place to start is to talk about personal space in your marriage, and how the two of you can advocate for "quality personal time apart" in such a way that it creates something positive that you can then share with each other as a way to bring the two of you closer. An example might be that one of the two of you takes cooking classes, puts those new talents to work, and your family can share in some healthy gourmet dining at home. The other person may wish to take some classes on DIY projects to improve your home, then put those new talents to work, and now your family can enjoy some nice quality time together outside enjoying a new addition to the deck or relaxing landscaping. Those are the types of things that will really create a strong sense of belonging to each other, and that is to strive towards something new and then share that for the benefit of your family.

Hope that helps!

Regards,
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