Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.
Alright, So my marriage is toast. But SOME factors are similar to what your issues are. Now I had many other factors, but I did build up resentment against my ex-MIL and ex- husband (for not standing up for me). So I may be able to provide some perspective.
My ex-husband had/has very good earning potential. Corporate lawyer, masters etc. etc. I am a physician in training - between the two of us we would make very good money. However, when we first got engaged, his parents helped him put downpayment for a house that was way beyond our means. In his and his family's mind - they were "helping us out". In fact, this was all for ME (in their head). From their perspective, they wanted a household that was "set up", so that we wouldn't have to struggle. Good intentions? Perhaps. I HATED it. I didn't care about struggling. I was okay to live in the rental apartment with my husband. I was okay to buy a small condo if thats all we could afford. I was okay to not buy property for a few years if we couldn't afford. I didn't need everything "set up", more importantly, I didn't want THEIR version of set up. I wanted to set it up myself - with my husband. Whatever little we had, would have been ours. I didn't need things to be fancy. When my ex-husband lost his job - things only got worse. His parents had to help pay our mortgage! I felt indebted. Like they had a say in everything we did. For example, my ex-MIL visited us and decided that the knife set we owned wasn't very good. Well it wasn't. But its what we had and we really didn't have the money to spend on a new knife set. So while I was at work, she went with my ex-husband and bought us a new and fancy one. They both came back home extremely excited. I didn't say much. I don't want another woman setting up my household/kitchen. Just like my ex-MIL wouldn't like me deciding what vase she should buy for her living room. My ex-husband obviously didn't get why that would bother me - so actually I never in kicked up a fuss about it, but small things began to build resentment.
Sometimes, my parents stepped in to "Help". I hated that even more. I am an independent girl. I always have been. Maybe it was normal for you to accept help from your parents prior to the marriage. It was normal for me to accept help from my parents prior to the marriage. But once I was married, I looked at my ex-husband and me as ONE unit. I wanted us to figure out our own financial struggles and stresses. I wanted him to discuss with me what our game plan would be - what we can afford. What our priorities should be, how we can make ends meet. Often he would just say - my family has loaned us $$ to buy tickets to go visit them, because they want us to see them for the holidays. I didn't like it - I wanted to go visit them - but wanted to do it when either of us could afford it. I worked throughout this - but my salary pretty much went into paying all our other expenses.
My ex-husband's family believed in sorting everything out as a "family". Everytime they had a problem - prior to our marriage he would discuss it with his mother and she would give "wisdom". Well maybe what you call drama and getting rid of drama is - your family's version. And that may be normal to you. But remember - that is NOT your primary family anymore. They are now EXTENDED family. So while you may use them as sounding board, you can only do that once both you AND your spouse have agreed that you will discuss this outside of the privacy of your family. What was NORMAL in your parents house may/need not be normal in your current primary family (with your wife). You have to find your OWN NEW NORMAL of dealing with conflicts. I hated that my ex-husband discussed every goddamn thing with his mother. I felt there was zero privacy between us as a couple. Infact NOTHING should be discussed outside of your marriage prior to discussing with your spouse - that ruins the circle of trust between you two.
My ex-MIL had a tendency of giving wisdom. I often found that quite intrusive. Remember - what you take as wisdom from your mother, may not come across as such to your wife. Its a delicate relationship. MIL and DIL relationship requires mutual respect. Often we expect the DIL to respect the MIL but the other way is also essential. My ex-MIL would tell me how I should get my eyebrows done, or hair cut or what kind of boots I should wear etc etc. Apparently, she was just trying to "give me constructive criticism". She would ask me why I have student loans - maybe she was just looking out for her son. But I was happy to discuss this with her son and felt none of this was HER business. So I see why your wife isn't thrilled about hanging out with your mother. Yes, my mother will make comments to me, but she will NEVER make comments to my husband. The reason is - it takes a LOT OF TIME and long term respect to develop a relationship between in-laws that is that close. And everyone proceeds at their own pace. And particularly if MIL makes remarks early on in the relationship - that image is damaged. I used to have a lot of respect for my MIL prior to the marriage - but the more she interfered in our relationship - i lost respect for her and it didn't get better by ex-husband saying - "well, you need to become friends with her. she is only trying to look out for you". It made me furious.
1. Cut the umbilical cord.
2. Sit down with your wife and discuss whats the best way to have a good relationship with extended family on BOTH sides
3. How she would like to handle your financial stressors - come up with a game plan that BOTH of you can participate in
4. Recognize that YOUR FAMILY (your wife and you and your kids) - are going to set up a new system, new normal, which is going to be DIFFERENT from what you did with your parents or what she did with her parents. You may borrow and incorporate or modify things when you find them helpful, but to force YOUR previous normal on each other is stupid and doomed for failure.
I hope this helps to give you some insight into how your wife MAY be feeling (of course this is just speculation, none of us actually know her).