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post #16 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:36 PM
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

Her parents are financially punishing her because they don't approve of you.

Nice.

Then again maybe they have good reason for not wanting to throw good money after bad.

Tell us more about those 5 jobs you lost in the short period of time.

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post #17 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

They were temp agency jobs. When we first met I worked for a company and had been there for 4 years and won awards etc...it was a sales job and it got less and less until they finally let go several veterans like me. The next few jobs were all temp to perm jobs and all customer service jobs.....all the while I was looking for jobs in my degree (graphic design) it was the weirdest thing...I've NEVER been jobless or lazy or a slacker. I've held a job since I was 14. Im 42 ...I've traveled the country..beena community leader ..published a book..play 3 instruments...I'm not a slouch...but I'm not a doctor or pharmacist either. I'm not Nigerian. (her family is Nigerian) I'm just plain old african american..lol

we did'nt do the traditional nigerian ceremony so they dont even recognize me as her husband....and its been 5 years already.
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post #18 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:08 PM
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

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I'm not Nigerian. (her family is Nigerian) I'm just plain old african american..lol

we did'nt do the traditional nigerian ceremony so they dont even recognize me as her husband....and its been 5 years already.
Her family is Nigerian and they're rich? I think I got an email from them recently. Something about how they needed me to hold and transfer some funds for them.
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post #19 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

hahahaha...no its not them...BUT her dad worked for Haliburton for 30 years if thats any indication. Her oldest sister is a pharmacist...her next oldest sister is a Medical systems administrator...two out of her three brothers are also well off....

she was sort of the neglected child growing up...left to her own devices so she never achieved what they expected out of their kids.....she is trying now...thanks to my encouragement but we have strugged the last few years.
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post #20 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:50 PM
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

Alright, So my marriage is toast. But SOME factors are similar to what your issues are. Now I had many other factors, but I did build up resentment against my ex-MIL and ex- husband (for not standing up for me). So I may be able to provide some perspective.

My ex-husband had/has very good earning potential. Corporate lawyer, masters etc. etc. I am a physician in training - between the two of us we would make very good money. However, when we first got engaged, his parents helped him put downpayment for a house that was way beyond our means. In his and his family's mind - they were "helping us out". In fact, this was all for ME (in their head). From their perspective, they wanted a household that was "set up", so that we wouldn't have to struggle. Good intentions? Perhaps. I HATED it. I didn't care about struggling. I was okay to live in the rental apartment with my husband. I was okay to buy a small condo if thats all we could afford. I was okay to not buy property for a few years if we couldn't afford. I didn't need everything "set up", more importantly, I didn't want THEIR version of set up. I wanted to set it up myself - with my husband. Whatever little we had, would have been ours. I didn't need things to be fancy. When my ex-husband lost his job - things only got worse. His parents had to help pay our mortgage! I felt indebted. Like they had a say in everything we did. For example, my ex-MIL visited us and decided that the knife set we owned wasn't very good. Well it wasn't. But its what we had and we really didn't have the money to spend on a new knife set. So while I was at work, she went with my ex-husband and bought us a new and fancy one. They both came back home extremely excited. I didn't say much. I don't want another woman setting up my household/kitchen. Just like my ex-MIL wouldn't like me deciding what vase she should buy for her living room. My ex-husband obviously didn't get why that would bother me - so actually I never in kicked up a fuss about it, but small things began to build resentment.

Sometimes, my parents stepped in to "Help". I hated that even more. I am an independent girl. I always have been. Maybe it was normal for you to accept help from your parents prior to the marriage. It was normal for me to accept help from my parents prior to the marriage. But once I was married, I looked at my ex-husband and me as ONE unit. I wanted us to figure out our own financial struggles and stresses. I wanted him to discuss with me what our game plan would be - what we can afford. What our priorities should be, how we can make ends meet. Often he would just say - my family has loaned us $$ to buy tickets to go visit them, because they want us to see them for the holidays. I didn't like it - I wanted to go visit them - but wanted to do it when either of us could afford it. I worked throughout this - but my salary pretty much went into paying all our other expenses.

My ex-husband's family believed in sorting everything out as a "family". Everytime they had a problem - prior to our marriage he would discuss it with his mother and she would give "wisdom". Well maybe what you call drama and getting rid of drama is - your family's version. And that may be normal to you. But remember - that is NOT your primary family anymore. They are now EXTENDED family. So while you may use them as sounding board, you can only do that once both you AND your spouse have agreed that you will discuss this outside of the privacy of your family. What was NORMAL in your parents house may/need not be normal in your current primary family (with your wife). You have to find your OWN NEW NORMAL of dealing with conflicts. I hated that my ex-husband discussed every goddamn thing with his mother. I felt there was zero privacy between us as a couple. Infact NOTHING should be discussed outside of your marriage prior to discussing with your spouse - that ruins the circle of trust between you two.

My ex-MIL had a tendency of giving wisdom. I often found that quite intrusive. Remember - what you take as wisdom from your mother, may not come across as such to your wife. Its a delicate relationship. MIL and DIL relationship requires mutual respect. Often we expect the DIL to respect the MIL but the other way is also essential. My ex-MIL would tell me how I should get my eyebrows done, or hair cut or what kind of boots I should wear etc etc. Apparently, she was just trying to "give me constructive criticism". She would ask me why I have student loans - maybe she was just looking out for her son. But I was happy to discuss this with her son and felt none of this was HER business. So I see why your wife isn't thrilled about hanging out with your mother. Yes, my mother will make comments to me, but she will NEVER make comments to my husband. The reason is - it takes a LOT OF TIME and long term respect to develop a relationship between in-laws that is that close. And everyone proceeds at their own pace. And particularly if MIL makes remarks early on in the relationship - that image is damaged. I used to have a lot of respect for my MIL prior to the marriage - but the more she interfered in our relationship - i lost respect for her and it didn't get better by ex-husband saying - "well, you need to become friends with her. she is only trying to look out for you". It made me furious.

So recommendations
1. Cut the umbilical cord.
2. Sit down with your wife and discuss whats the best way to have a good relationship with extended family on BOTH sides
3. How she would like to handle your financial stressors - come up with a game plan that BOTH of you can participate in
4. Recognize that YOUR FAMILY (your wife and you and your kids) - are going to set up a new system, new normal, which is going to be DIFFERENT from what you did with your parents or what she did with her parents. You may borrow and incorporate or modify things when you find them helpful, but to force YOUR previous normal on each other is stupid and doomed for failure.

I hope this helps to give you some insight into how your wife MAY be feeling (of course this is just speculation, none of us actually know her).
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post #21 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 04:01 PM
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

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Originally Posted by newdadat40 View Post
They were temp agency jobs. When we first met I worked for a company and had been there for 4 years and won awards etc...it was a sales job and it got less and less until they finally let go several veterans like me. The next few jobs were all temp to perm jobs and all customer service jobs.....all the while I was looking for jobs in my degree (graphic design) it was the weirdest thing...I've NEVER been jobless or lazy or a slacker. I've held a job since I was 14. Im 42 ...I've traveled the country..beena community leader ..published a book..play 3 instruments...I'm not a slouch...but I'm not a doctor or pharmacist either. I'm not Nigerian. (her family is Nigerian) I'm just plain old african american..lol

we did'nt do the traditional nigerian ceremony so they dont even recognize me as her husband....and its been 5 years already.
You definitely don't sounds lazy at all and it's obvious you love your wife and want to fix this. But you've gotta give your wife a break here- you're still blaming her. Yes, she grew up without financial stress. That is NO guarantee that she will not experience financial stress as an adult, just like you growing up without drama is NO guarantee you will not have to learn how to handle drama and emotional stress in your marriage (and parenting).

You need to regain your wife's respect. The way to do this is by taking whatever measures necessary to stop getting financial support from your parents and to set limits with your mom. Personally, I'd respect my husband more living in a 1 bedroom apartment without a car, cable, and iphone than having more but relying on his overstepping mother (and yes, your mom did overstep boundaries from what you describe in your original post).

You can definitely turn this around but you've got to stop blaming your wife. Work with her. Tell her she comes first. Tell her you've come up with a plan to stop getting financial help from your parents. Tell her what you need from her financially (stop spending money, live on rice and beans for a while, watch another child during the day while you work, etc.). Ask her how she feels about having dinner with your mom once a month. If she hates the idea, ask her about every other month. She should not have to see a woman who was rude to her every week, even if it is her MIL. I wouldn't want to see mine every week and she was never that rude to me.
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post #22 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 04:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

Thanks for that. Im pulling my hair out with this.

She (wife) actually is ok with spending time with my parents (they live literally 5 minutes from us) Both sets of parents have been helping along the way.... But Im trying desperately to get us back to being independant. I think that is the key.

My mother isnt constantly rude to my wife and my wife actually would have a decent relationship with her I think if we 1 didnt live so close and 2 had our crap together financially.

I try not to blame her....but its hard because I feel like I've been so attacked by her when Im trying to make things better. Just need some outside neutral help so I dont end up hating my mom becuase my wife seems to ....OR resenting my wife becuase she is making me chose between her and the woman who raised me on a permenant basis. Luckily I dont think thats what she is trying to do.


I have great compassion for my wife and patience. I just dont think she at this moment has the same for me. I will sit down with her...let her know again she is first..ask her what I can do differently that would relay that m,essage to her...and then keep working towards getting us out of this hole financially. Hopefully it will help.

She is going to visit with her family (who doesnt accept me) for a few months coming in may...I thnk the short break will do alot of good.
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post #23 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 04:25 PM
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

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Originally Posted by newdadat40 View Post
Thanks for that. Im pulling my hair out with this.

She (wife) actually is ok with spending time with my parents (they live literally 5 minutes from us) Both sets of parents have been helping along the way.... But Im trying desperately to get us back to being independant. I think that is the key.

My mother isnt constantly rude to my wife and my wife actually would have a decent relationship with her I think if we 1 didnt live so close and 2 had our crap together financially.

I try not to blame her....but its hard because I feel like I've been so attacked by her when Im trying to make things better. Just need some outside neutral help so I dont end up hating my mom becuase my wife seems to ....OR resenting my wife becuase she is making me chose between her and the woman who raised me on a permenant basis. Luckily I dont think thats what she is trying to do.


I have great compassion for my wife and patience. I just dont think she at this moment has the same for me. I will sit down with her...let her know again she is first..ask her what I can do differently that would relay that m,essage to her...and then keep working towards getting us out of this hole financially. Hopefully it will help.

She is going to visit with her family (who doesnt accept me) for a few months coming in may...I thnk the short break will do alot of good.
It seems that she's also putting her family before you though if she's visiting them without including you because they don't approve of you. Look, I get that family issues can be tough navigating in marriage, but you both sound like you're allowing extended family to dictate and come between you in your marriage.

If it were me, I'd want my husband to come with me and our new baby to visit my family or not go at all if they wouldn't accept him. And I'd want to limit time spent with your mother to once a month, and only with my husband in the same room. And if anything disrespectful or intrusive is said, I'd want my husband to stand up for me (in a kind way) to his mom. Sounds like you have talked with your mom about the past and that's good.

I also don't think it is unreasonable for you to tell your wife it hurts you when she calls your mom names and/or complains abut her. Instead, ask if limiting contact will help, and also ask your wife to let you know if anything your mom does bothers her so you can handle it. But ask her to tell you without resorting to anger. I'm sure this will happen naturally as she relaxes and sees that she is your priority, not your mom. Good luck! You sound like you're trying very hard. Your wife just needs to hear it and see it too. She's probably hurting and scared with a new baby and little financial security and a mother in law who in the past has been disrespectful to her.
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