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post #1 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 11:06 AM Thread Starter
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New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

Hello all..Im new to this forum and am glad I came across it.

I'm hoping I can get some honest nuetral advice or input and I will attempt to tell you my issue as un biased as I can.

First some facts that might help you understand a little better what is going on.

  • My wife and I are 12 years apart. Im 42 she is 30
  • She comes from a semi wealthy family ...I do not.
  • Her family is of a completely different culture than mine and does not really approve of our maraige.
  • my wife was touched in the wrong places by a family associate as a child for 2 years
  • I have a close/ friendship type relationship with my mother
  • We just had a new baby
  • There is a 11 year old son she has from a previous relationship who I have taken in as my own (love him!)

My wife has formed this opinion about my mother that I believe is unfounded. In adition she has also formed this opinion about me that accuses me of being a mamas boy. Heres why according to my wife..


When we first got married she moved in with me ..my mom..and my sister. This was 5 years ago. My mom was territorial..and skeptical because my first wife was evil.. This led to my mom doing and saying things that were inappropriate but not defcon 5.

ex: when we were out she went into my room to vacuum and borrowed two dollars off of my table. ...
Ex2 she told my wife that she wasnt going to be pushed out and that she had to adjust to how she(my mom) had to do things because she (my wife) was coming into an already running situation. I've acknowledged these things were wrong..I even took my mom out to talk to her about them in defense of my wife. Several little things like that have transpired over the years But nothing on a regular weekly basis.

The other incident my wife just cannot let go of is two summers ago I literally got laid off from 5..count them..5 jobs in a row!! I have a steady one now but you can imagine the strain that put on us. When I got let go of the 3rd job after having it a month..I didnt know how to tell my wife. I knew she would be more than dissappointed and feared how she would look at me...I called my mom first to ask her how I should break it to my wife. THAT WAS A HUGE NO NO apparantly. This is the MAIN example she uses to say I put my mother ahead of her. AM I tripping? Is she right??


We go to my parents apartment quite often like once a week to eat dinner after church...Generally seem to have a good time but my wife gets home and always has a new bone to pick with my mother.

She tells me I'm putting my mother before her but cant tell me how when I ask her to clarify.

I don't talk to my mom everyday
I don't seek her approval for things
I don't compare my wife to my mom ever
I don't let my parents pop up at my house un-announced
I don't choose my mothers opinion over my wifes.

With all that ...she STILL vehemently thinks I am a mamas boy and it is putting tremendous strain on our marraige.

She thinks my mother is a liar and pushy and manipulative etc...which are ALL traits that are the exact opposite of what I have know this woman to be all my adult life. I KNOW my mom has flaws and have expressed that numerous times to my wife...but to no avail. I feel like I have to now vilify my mom in order for my wife to be appeased.


Can anyone provide some insight?

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post #2 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 11:23 AM
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

Edited- never mind I thought you were all still living together.

Sounds like your wife is jealous of your mom.

Tell her to get over it already.

That much being said, your inability to communicate with your wife about the job loss and having to ask your mom how to go about it is just really weird. Maybe your wife has a point.

Last edited by browser; 03-09-2017 at 11:27 AM.
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post #3 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 11:39 AM
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

I agree with your wife- when you decided to get married, you made the decision to put your wife first. If your wife feels your mom is being intrusive and overstepping boundaries, it is your job to set boundaries with your mom.

This does NOT mean you have to join in with your wife or even agree with her in criticizing your mother.

I'd talk to your wife and let her know that you want her to know she comes first, but that you'd also like to have your mom in your life, so how can you do that in a way that she will agree to? Once a month dinners? You may need to limit contact if your wife does not appreciate how your mom is treating her. Can you give examples of what your mom does that your wife doesn't like?

Many of my girlfriends and I have discussed our over-stepping mother-in-laws. It's a very common thing and I actually love my MIL. But she does cross the line and try to tell me what to do, how to raise our children, how to feed my baby when visiting me in the hospital, etc. So my husband had to set boundaries. For us, this meant that my husband does not leave me alone with his mother- she tends to get more intrusive and say upsetting things when he's not around. My husband also had to nicely tell his mom that although we know she means well and loves her granchildren, how we choose to raise our kids is not up for discussion. She had her chance to do what she felt was best for her kids, and now it's our turn.

If this is about how your wife is caring for your new baby, I'd suggest you really listen to your wife closely. MILs are notorious for pissing off new moms, even though their intentions are good. It's not cool.

*just read the part about how rude your mom was to your wife while living with you. That would upset me too and I would not want to be around your mom alone after that. You need to have a talk with your mom and let her know that she needs to treat your wife with more respect or you will not be able to spend time with her.

Last edited by Jessica38; 03-09-2017 at 11:47 AM.
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post #4 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 12:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

Thanks for your input. some more insights

I have set boundaries with my mother. She (mom) is OVERLY careful not to give ANY advice regarding the new baby. NONE..ZERO. My wife is known to have a quick temper so everyone (including me) is on pins and needles trying not to offend her.

She calls me all sorts of names and says the foulest things about my mom to me.

Just recently she (wife) was mad at me for something...blamed it on my mother....who had nothing to do with it at all..texted my mother this nasty gram telling my mom off and hitting way below the belt. (my mother has shared some deep hurts with my wife in attempts to get closer to her.) Since then my mother has wayyyy backed off and not retaliated.
But my wife cant get off of it with me.

Another wrinkle is that we have had serious financial issues as of late and my mom has ALWAYS done her best to help. But my wife sees that as my mom trying to buy leverage...yet she will readily accept the help...lol.

Im not used to all this drama. My family growing up would get rid of drama as soon as possible. I hate discord and lingering anger. We have NEVER done the whole "Elephant in the room" scenario too well. This is Excruciating because I love my wife. I KNOW we were supposed to be together....HECK my MOM encouraged me to move forward with my relationship with my wife.... I feel like i DO put my wife first but I also have a relationship with my mom too. Nothing over board but definitely closer than some.

Not leaving her alone with my mom is doable. But is it fair to think that this whole turmoil is solely on my moms shoulders? My wife ...when she isnt stressed ...gets along with my mom..inspite of her flaws....but lately she has zeroed in and latched onto my mom as the cause of all her stress and refuses to hear me out.

HOW do I get through to her? Let her know she IS first but she should step back and re assess her judgement of the woman that made and molded the man SHE chose to marry?
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post #5 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

Its not that I didnt have the ability to communicate it with her....its that I KNEW she would be distraught ....and as a man I wanted some insight on how best to approach handling telling her knowing she would be UBER dissappointed..and UBER nervous.

She is mad I didnt tell her first. that one time. over two years ago... Seems a little unreasonable to me...no?
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post #6 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:17 PM
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newdadat40 View Post
She calls me all sorts of names and says the foulest things about my mom to me.
This puts a new angle on things.
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post #7 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:18 PM
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newdadat40 View Post
Thanks for your input. some more insights

I have set boundaries with my mother. She (mom) is OVERLY careful not to give ANY advice regarding the new baby. NONE..ZERO. My wife is known to have a quick temper so everyone (including me) is on pins and needles trying not to offend her.

She calls me all sorts of names and says the foulest things about my mom to me.

Just recently she (wife) was mad at me for something...blamed it on my mother....who had nothing to do with it at all..texted my mother this nasty gram telling my mom off and hitting way below the belt. (my mother has shared some deep hurts with my wife in attempts to get closer to her.) Since then my mother has wayyyy backed off and not retaliated.
But my wife cant get off of it with me.

Another wrinkle is that we have had serious financial issues as of late and my mom has ALWAYS done her best to help. But my wife sees that as my mom trying to buy leverage...yet she will readily accept the help...lol.

Im not used to all this drama. My family growing up would get rid of drama as soon as possible. I hate discord and lingering anger. We have NEVER done the whole "Elephant in the room" scenario too well. This is Excruciating because I love my wife. I KNOW we were supposed to be together....HECK my MOM encouraged me to move forward with my relationship with my wife.... I feel like i DO put my wife first but I also have a relationship with my mom too. Nothing over board but definitely closer than some.

Not leaving her alone with my mom is doable. But is it fair to think that this whole turmoil is solely on my moms shoulders? My wife ...when she isnt stressed ...gets along with my mom..inspite of her flaws....but lately she has zeroed in and latched onto my mom as the cause of all her stress and refuses to hear me out.

HOW do I get through to her? Let her know she IS first but she should step back and re assess her judgement of the woman that made and molded the man SHE chose to marry?
It's great that you have tried to set boundaries with your mom, and I agree with you that it's not ok for your wife to call you and your mother names. BUT- she's doing it out of anger and resentment because you guys ARE accepting your mom's financial help and like it or not, it DOES give your mom leverage to interfere in your marriage, which is what she is doing and why your wife is so pissed.

And honestly, just because you grew up without drama doesn't mean that you're guaranteed that in your adult life. You have to recognize that this marriage and your immediate family of you three comes first, and what that needs comes first. You're experiencing drama because things are very stressful, it sounds like. You have a new baby and a stressful financial situation, and you're taking financial help from your mother, who has already been intrusive in your marriage and disrespectful of your wife.

You can turn it around, but you'll have to seriously rethink your approach. To get through to your wife, you need to make it absolutely clear that you are on your wife's team. Just because your mother had you doesn't mean your wife owes her anything other than respect, which I agree you're frustrated that your wife is unable to give right now, but it's because she doesn't feel her husband is on her side. That is very upsetting, especially in addition to the stress/hormones of a new baby and your financial situation.

To reach your wife, sit down with her and ask her what you can do regarding your mother. Make a plan to no longer accept any financial help from your mother and present it to your wife and make it happen with everything you've got, for the sake of your marriage and child. In return, come up with a plan to have a limited relationship with your mom that your wife agrees to. Once your wife sees that you are willing to set firm boundaries and eliminate the stress your mom has caused on your marriage, she will stop being angry, and eventually, things might improve with the relationship your wife has with your mom.
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post #8 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:38 PM
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

Your wife doesn't respect you. I'm curious, have you two had a healthy sex life? How's the intimacy? Are you just roommates?

My ex wife hated my mother. It was absolutely not warranted. But I would always try to keep the peace so I could keep my happy little life going and sleep in my bed at the end of the night. The truth was, we were in a 100% sexless marriage because we both couldn't stand each other. After I finally had enough and found my balls, I divorced her and started a new life. My ex was a basket case and always needed drama in her life.

If everything is great except for the MIL, then I think you can turn this ship around. Your MIL shouldn't be in your life every week. Start seeing her once a month or so.
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post #9 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:49 PM
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

Jessica NAILED it out of the blocks.

The ONLY path out of this swamp - is financial independence.

You can't have 'real boundaries' with someone who is helping pay your bills.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
It's great that you have tried to set boundaries with your mom, and I agree with you that it's not ok for your wife to call you and your mother names. BUT- she's doing it out of anger and resentment because you guys ARE accepting your mom's financial help and like it or not, it DOES give your mom leverage to interfere in your marriage, which is what she is doing and why your wife is so pissed.

And honestly, just because you grew up without drama doesn't mean that you're guaranteed that in your adult life. You have to recognize that this marriage and your immediate family of you three comes first, and what that needs comes first. You're experiencing drama because things are very stressful, it sounds like. You have a new baby and a stressful financial situation, and you're taking financial help from your mother, who has already been intrusive in your marriage and disrespectful of your wife.

You can turn it around, but you'll have to seriously rethink your approach. To get through to your wife, you need to make it absolutely clear that you are on your wife's team. Just because your mother had you doesn't mean your wife owes her anything other than respect, which I agree you're frustrated that your wife is unable to give right now, but it's because she doesn't feel her husband is on her side. That is very upsetting, especially in addition to the stress/hormones of a new baby and your financial situation.

To reach your wife, sit down with her and ask her what you can do regarding your mother. Make a plan to no longer accept any financial help from your mother and present it to your wife and make it happen with everything you've got, for the sake of your marriage and child. In return, come up with a plan to have a limited relationship with your mom that your wife agrees to. Once your wife sees that you are willing to set firm boundaries and eliminate the stress your mom has caused on your marriage, she will stop being angry, and eventually, things might improve with the relationship your wife has with your mom.
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post #10 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

Its MY mother her MIL. And we havent had sex due to the preganancy and her healing up from that. But typically it isnt a problem. But the finances are a HHUUGGGEEE stress on us. She doesnt know how to go through a rough patch because she never had to growing up. Her family had personal drivers and they could go into a store and buy whatever they wanted basically without needing to look at the price tag. Now that she is with me that certainly is not the case. Although I do and am still looking to try to improve our situation...its really hard.

I drive 2 hours to work and back every day. It was the only job that would hire me right away. I went back to school got a degree but its been difficult finding a good job in the area we live in. Im even looking for a second job. But I keep running into obstacles...lol..they just raised my rent, she isnt working..gas etc....and on top of that I have to hear about how terrible my mother is and how Im a mamas boy....lol..

Its enough to make me want to jump off a bridge!!

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post #11 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:17 PM
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

What happened to all the money her rich parents had?

I'd be looking into getting a piece of that.
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post #12 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:18 PM
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

Cut the apron strings from mama. Once married W is #1. Get financially independent.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #13 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:30 PM
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

ND,

You wanted neutral advice so here goes:
- Your wife will perceive you as a mommies boy until you can pay all your bills without her help.
- Growing up your wife never had to worry about money - she was provided for.
- My guess is that your wife is directing her anger at your mom, but the true source of her anger is you.

And losing 5 jobs in one month either means you are the most unlucky person I ever heard of - or you have some habits that employers dislike.



Quote:
Originally Posted by newdadat40 View Post
Its MY mother her MIL. And we havent had sex due to the preganancy and her healing up from that. But typically it isnt a problem. But the finances are a HHUUGGGEEE stress on us. She doesnt know how to go through a rough patch because she never had to growing up. Her family had personal drivers and they could go into a store and buy whatever they wanted basically without needing to look at the price tag. Now that she is with me that certainly is not the case. Although I do and am still looking to try to improve our situation...its really hard.

I drive 2 hours to work and back every day. It was the only job that would hire me right away. I went back to school got a degree but its been difficult finding a good job in the area we live in. Im even looking for a second job. But I keep running into obstacles...lol..they just raised my rent, she isnt working..gas etc....and on top of that I have to hear about how terrible my mother is and how Im a mamas boy....lol..

Its enough to make me want to jump off a bridge!!
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post #14 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

they help out too but remember they dont approve of our marraige. A loan that would be significant to us but tiny to them would pull us right out, but they would have rather her married a doctor or a pharmacist. Its too late for me to go back to school for that...I am trying to make more money every which way I can short of doing something illegal.
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post #15 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New member in desperate need of help and nuetral advice.

I think you are right...I lost 5 jobs in a span of a year not a month but I get your premise. I think you are right.
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