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post #16 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

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I'm so sorry for your situation. I've been reading a book lately that says that the stages of losing a spouse or a partner are a lot like the stages of grief. Similar evolution of emotions etc
Thank you.

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post #17 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 08:38 PM
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What is SHE doing to fix things? What has she done for you? Is she clear of STD's? Has she given you a complete timeline of everything she did? Has she offered to cut off her left boob for you?
She could lop both of them clean off and then go down on Main Street and juggle them on a unicycle for all I care, and I still wouldn't care one damned bit!

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post #18 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 08:42 PM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

You do not have to get all the details.

Just knowing that there was an affair was enough for me. I wanted no details.

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post #19 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 09:03 PM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

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Hello,

I am looking for any support/advice from someone who has accepted their spouse back after a significant affair. My wife of ten years had an affair about a year 1/2 ago. She moved out and continued to see her boyfriend for 5 months. I was tempted to file for divorce (obviously), but felt strongly that it would be worth it to wait and see how things develop. Partly because we have a 3 year old daughter but also because I have valued our relationship so much. We are back together now and have gone through therapy etc. I have said I am giving this all a chance, and will see how it goes for me.

I am curious how others have felt the evolution of emotions, and whether it is likely to recover from this. Sometimes I feel like I need to work harder to move forward, but other times I wonder if I ever really will. Painful emotions still arise and are difficult to restrain/express.

Recently I found her lover's old condoms in her drawer while I was looking for socks, and it brought back bad feelings. I believed her that she had just forgotten they were there. The fact that they were "magnum" condoms made me feel uncomfortable, purely my ego of course, but she had said the affair was purely about sex so it's hard not to feel weird about it. Is this just weakness/jealousy? Again I'm stuck with whether I just need to "move on" and move forward, or whether these negative emotions are my inevitable future if I choose to stay in the relationship.

Anyhow, any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks,
She "forgot" about them? How did they end up in your sock drawer...Someone had to put them there...I'm going to guess the wife....she kept them (XL) for a reason...if she really want a clean start over them would of been tossed in the trash along with the OM...
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post #20 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 09:06 PM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

Why are you settling for so little in your life.
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post #21 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 09:08 PM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

So you two have only been back together for a month.

You haven't hit the anger stage yet. It takes five years average to get back to normalcy after an affair.

You seem pretty calm and unaffected by the whole thing, like all she did was back her car into yours and dented it.
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post #22 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 09:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

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She "forgot" about them? How did they end up in your sock drawer...Someone had to put them there...I'm going to guess the wife....she kept them (XL) for a reason...if she really want a clean start over them would of been tossed in the trash along with the OM...
It was her drawer

Last edited by marcangelo; 03-15-2017 at 02:56 PM.
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post #23 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 09:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

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So you two have only been back together for a month.

You haven't hit the anger stage yet. It takes five years average to get back to normalcy after an affair.

You seem pretty calm and unaffected by the whole thing, like all she did was back her car into yours and dented it.
It's been almost a year since the affair ended, and 4 months since we've been living together...
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post #24 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 06:27 AM
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Getting Over An Affair

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It's been almost a year since the affair ended, and 4 months since we've been living together...


How do you know for sure the affair ended? How did it end? She OM dump her?
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post #25 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:08 AM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

You said you're waiting for therapy to produce the desired changes in your wife.

Be aware that if therapy has any significant affect at all, it can take years.

Many years.

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post #26 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:25 AM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

How did her affair end? If he ended it she came back to her plan B. She said it was only about the sex. So what will happen when some other guy comes along swinging a magnum ****?
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post #27 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 09:09 AM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

Sorry OP, but it sounds like you handled this all wrong.

Still a lot to know and do.

First of all about knowing what happened. Did you find out or did she confess on her own. If you found out, how did you find out ? If she told you on her own, what was her reason for telling you ? Did she trickle truth you at first ? Has she written down a timeline of what happened and when and where ? Does she now answer all your questions truthfully ? Questions like how many times, when and where, sexual positions, did she do anything with him (kinky or otherwise) that she didn't do with you sexually, were "I love you's" exchanged, did she ever say anything about you to him, did she have him in your house, your bed, did she enjoy sex with him more than you etc etc. Did any of her friends or family know and cover for or help her with the affair. These are all questions that could be lurking in your mind and festering and she has to be able to answer truthfully or you can never heal.

The sad truth is that you will probably never get all these answers unless she is truly remorseful, has empathy with you and truly is in love with you again. Which brings me to the second issue. Is she really remorseful ? It doesn't sound like it as she is in damage limitation and recovery with you as Plan B. Did the POSOM dump her ? How did it end ? It sound like she regrets being caught or this coming out however it did - but to be truly remorseful, she should be doing stuff on her own without prompting from anyone - like answering all your questions, coping with your mood swings, understanding triggers and being much more sensitive and proactive in helping you heal. She should be on her knees, snot nosed begging for you to give her chance and she should be saying things like even if you divorce me I will continue to work on making things better for us. Somehow, I doubt that she is actually there.

Which brings me to what you need to do next. You need to make sure that her affair is exposed and better still, if she comes clean to both sets of parents and friends. You need to file for divorce and she needs to give you a very amicable divorce and not make things difficult. Then maybe if you feel like you could date and see if getting back together is an option.

At the very least you need to dump her and do the 180 to help you heal whilst protecting your assets. And DNA your kid as this may not have been her first rodeo.

A lot to do and I wouldn't let it linger in limbo like this.

Take care.

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No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
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post #28 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 09:31 AM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

You might have better luck by posting under the "reconciliation" subforum on here.
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post #29 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 01:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

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How did her affair end? If he ended it she came back to her plan B. She said it was only about the sex. So what will happen when some other guy comes along swinging a magnum ****?
She ended it. She got a restraining order against him when he wouldn't back off.

I do think about it happening again, but I think the regret is real enough that she would take a different approach if she felt attracted to someone again.

Last edited by marcangelo; 03-15-2017 at 02:57 PM.
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post #30 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 01:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

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Sorry OP, but it sounds like you handled this all wrong.

Still a lot to know and do.

First of all about knowing what happened. Did you find out or did she confess on her own. If you found out, how did you find out ?

Is she really remorseful ?

Which brings me to what you need to do next. You need to make sure that her affair is exposed and better still, if she comes clean to both sets of parents and friends.
Take care.
She just told me about it after seeing him for a month behind my back. She was supposed to be in San Diego on a "girls trip" with friends but instead went to a hotel in San Diego with her bf. I asked her to move out. She saw him off and on for about 7 months while living on her own... I was casually dating someone during this time.

There were setbacks along the way during this time, but ultimately I decided to see if reconciliation was possible.

I do believe she is genuinely remorseful. She has reached out to my family to express regret, etc

Last edited by marcangelo; 03-16-2017 at 12:52 PM.
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