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post #31 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 05:28 PM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

You've mentioned several times you were dating/seeing someone else during the separation. Were you also having sex with someone else?


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post #32 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 06:56 PM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

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Originally Posted by marcangelo View Post
She just told me about it after seeing him for a month behind my back. She was supposed to be in San Diego on a "girls trip" with friends but instead went to a hotel with her bf. I asked her to move out. She saw him off and on for about 7 months while living on her own... I was also dating someone during this time. I don't feel like I need to know some of the other details.

There were definitely setbacks along the way during this time, but ultimately I decided to see if reconciliation was possible. She has acknowledged that I can/might walk away at any time.

I do believe she is genuinely remorseful. She has reached out to my family to share her regrets.. they have tentatively given her another chance.

Thanks.
Thanks for your response. So let me understand this correct.

18 months ago your wife of 10 years met a well hung man. Do you know who he is, how they met, how long before the San Diego trip had they been "talking" and was that really the first time. Also have there been others (you don't really know do you).

Anyway, she doesn't go to San Diego but goes to a motel with the POSOM. She continues to see him for a month without you knowing. Was she sleeping with him and you at the same time. Do you know if you got sloppy seconds after she finished with him on the same day (especially if you gave her oral). You see, you do need to know some details because you don't really know what you are forgiving.

Then for some reason she tells you about it. You didn't have any gut feel, or clues that something was off which is not usual/normal. You ask her to leave. She goes. Where ? Did she move in with him ? Did she rent ? Did she go to her parents ? This goes on for 7 months (in your first post you said 5 months).

Did she take your 3 year old daughter with her or was your daughter with you ? If so how did you cope ?

You in the meantime find someone else. Did you go looking for someone or did it just happen ? Did you already know this someone before this happened. What happened to this someone in the end. How did the two of you stop seeing each other. I am assuming that you were sleeping with this someone.

You then say that there were "setbacks" along the way. What were these ? You were tempted to file for divorce but wanted to hold back to see how this worked out while the two of you were seeing other people. You did this because you valued your relationship too much.

In any case she then decided to dump her boyfriend and even got a restraining order against him. So he didn't turn out to be the grand prize she thought he was. So she now decides she wants to come back and you let her. So she moves back in and while doing so, brings his used magnum condom with her and while she is putting things back into drawers etc, she somehow packs the used magnum condom in with her stuff in a drawer.

The two of you go to counselling thinking this will fix things. And she has now been back for 4 months and "seems" remorseful because she has reached out to your family to share her "regrets".

And you are wondering why you still feel bad and get triggers ?!?!?!?

Things that I would wonder about are:

How many times has she done this with other men before.

Did she really come back for you or for stability since King Kong didn't work out for her (aka Plan B).

Is she really remorseful or just regrets that it didn't work out.

Whats with transporting the used condom from her place back to yours.

What real consequences has she faced for her actions.


You see what I mean by there is still a lot to know and that you haven't really handled this well. So please listen to some of the others here that say that you should file for D anyway to see her true colours (you can always stop it right until the last minute). She should be moving mountains to make you feel OK and should be giving you truthful answers on demand no matter how many times you ask her. She should be ready to take a poly. She should be transparent in her communications and actions. And all this with no real guarantee of R. And as others have pointed out this triggering etc. can go on for 5 years. You are in no position right now to R.

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post #33 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

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Originally Posted by Prodigal View Post
You've mentioned several times you were dating/seeing someone else during the separation. Were you also having sex with someone else?
No, it was just dating, some kissing etc. She didn't want to have sex unless I left my wife.
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post #34 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

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Originally Posted by manfromlamancha View Post
Thanks for your response. So let me understand this correct.

18 months ago your wife of 10 years met a well hung man. Do you know who he is, how they met, how long before the San Diego trip had they been "talking" and was that really the first time. Also have there been others (you don't really know do you).

Then for some reason she tells you about it. You didn't have any gut feel, or clues that something was off which is not usual/normal. You ask her to leave. She goes. Where ? Did she move in with him ? Did she rent ? Did she go to her parents ? This goes on for 7 months (in your first post you said 5 months).

Did she take your 3 year old daughter with her or was your daughter with you ? If so how did you cope ?

You in the meantime find someone else. Did you go looking for someone or did it just happen ? Did you already know this someone before this happened.

You then say that there were "setbacks" along the way. What were these ? You were tempted to file for divorce but wanted to hold back to see how this worked out while the two of you were seeing other people. You did this because you valued your relationship too much.

So she moves back in and while doing so, brings his used magnum condom with her and while she is putting things back into drawers etc, she somehow packs the used magnum condom in with her stuff in a drawer.



What real consequences has she faced for her actions.


You see what I mean by there is still a lot to know and that you haven't really handled this well. So please listen to some of the others here that say that you should file for D anyway to see her true colours (you can always stop it right until the last minute). She should be moving mountains to make you feel OK and should be giving you truthful answers on demand no matter how many times you ask her. She should be ready to take a poly. She should be transparent in her communications and actions. And all this with no real guarantee of R. And as others have pointed out this triggering etc. can go on for 5 years. You are in no position right now to R.
Thanks. a few answers:

a) Yeah, I do know who he is. She was principal at a new school that was opening and he was a married man working construction on her site. I know his name, have seen him on facebook, etc. I have never interacted with him. I am not aware of any previous affairs, no.

b) They were seeing each other for about a month before San Diego. I didn't see any warning signs, apart from the fact that she was extremely stressed out with opening a new charter school and was doing weird things like going for runs at 3 in the morning. I had encouraged her to seek counseling because she was feeling overwhelmed. She did not do so...

c) She moved out to her own apt. ultimately she broke the lease at the place to return home. We shared our 3 yr old daughter during this time.

d) The condoms were not used. They were just unused condoms that she'd left in her drawer she was using at her new apt. She brought the drawer back to our home and the condoms were still there.

e) There were numerous setbacks. A lack of empathy mostly. Comments that felt tone deaf.

f) Interesting question about "consequences" she has faced. I'm not sure if therapy counts as a consequence, but that's been going on for almost a year. She did go through several months where she was basically pleading with me for a second chance and I wasn't planning to get back together. She "faced the music" from my family and gave them a chance to air all their anger at her.

Last edited by marcangelo; 03-23-2017 at 12:19 PM.
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post #35 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:50 PM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

So regarding (e), she sent you a picture of her breasts accidentally that was meant for the OM, AFTER she moved back home? I hope I am misunderstanding that.

And regarding (f): No, therapy is NOT a "consequence" by any means. From what you have said, so far she has not had to deal with any consequences. Pleading with you for a second chance? Well she got that, so it wasn't a consequence.

Was her failing at the school related to her affair? If not, then that's just life. Not a consequence of her affair. Even if it WAS related, it was a choice SHE made, not really a consequence. We all have to be responsible for our choices.

As for her facing your family, that's just what she should do after the choices she made. Not a consequence.

Don't let people become a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs.

Last edited by Hope Shimmers; 03-10-2017 at 10:57 PM.
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post #36 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 11:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

I'm not sure what you would consider "consequences" in this context (apart from me filing for divorce).

Last edited by marcangelo; 03-16-2017 at 12:54 PM.
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post #37 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 12:05 AM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

Learn to live with the fact that you settled. That's basically it. How exactly would you expect something like this go to away? It doesn't, no one says it does. You just learn to live with it. If that is your choice the you might as well get on living. But posting on here like there is some way that you can turn this situation into something it's not isn't going to help you live with it.

Look you have decided to be with a women who treated you awful. You know this, so you will suffer. This is the way it is. You can't make the circumstances change or her change what she did.

That is your disconnect you are still trying to make it what it's not. If you stay with this women it will always be you, her and her affair partner. You can post on here or somewhere else and vent, but it's not going to change. This is the life you chose. You have settled for very little.

By the way sending you topless pictures you while she was with her OM and leaving the condoms in the YOUR drawer, I wouldn't put it past her getting some thrill off of your suffering. Probably makes her feel wanted.

Last edited by sokillme; 03-11-2017 at 12:10 AM.
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post #38 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 01:19 AM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

Presuming you weren't virgins when you married, it does go away and becomes about as significant as thinking about her having sex with others before you even met her.

The best way I know to get over it is to make your marriage mutually awesome.

A great marriage really removes any regrets.

It takes time. I'm sure your wife isn't thrilled thinking about what you did with your "friend" either (but since she begged to get you back and she had the first affair, she's not mentioning it - but if you were still married, it's still adultery).

It's been over a year ~~ you don't have to go back and revisit all the little facts and details. Instead focus on the now and make your present and future marriage better by studying and learning how to rebuild a great marriage together.

The best and most productive "consequence" is being an really kind, loving and forgiving husband such that they'll end up kicking themselves over and over again wondering how they ever conceived of the notion of cheating on you.

I'm recovered over two decades now and my wife and I together, in real life, apply our knowledge, skill and experiences helping other couples confront and overcome these infidelity issues in their marriage. Despite what you read here on TAM, recover/reconciliation happens ALL THE TIME.

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post #39 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 01:59 AM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

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Originally Posted by marcangelo View Post
Thanks. a few answers:

a) Yeah, I do know who he is. She was principal at a new school that was opening and he was a married man working construction on her site. I know his name, have seen him on facebook, etc. I have never interacted with him. I am not aware of any previous affairs, no.

And you told his wife, of course.

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post #40 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 04:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

[/quote]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Quality View Post
Presuming you weren't virgins when you married, it does go away and becomes about as significant as thinking about her having sex with others before you even met her.

The best way I know to get over it is to make your marriage mutually awesome.

A great marriage really removes any regrets.

It takes time. I'm sure your wife isn't thrilled thinking about what you did with your "friend" either (but since she begged to get you back and she had the first affair, she's not mentioning it - but if you were still married, it's still adultery).

It's been over a year ~~ you don't have to go back and revisit all the little facts and details. Instead focus on the now and make your present and future marriage better by studying and learning how to rebuild a great marriage together.

The best and most productive "consequence" is being an really kind, loving and forgiving husband such that they'll end up kicking themselves over and over again wondering how they ever conceived of the notion of cheating on you.

I'm recovered over two decades now and my wife and I together, in real life, apply our knowledge, skill and experiences helping other couples confront and overcome these infidelity issues in their marriage. Despite what you read here on TAM, recover/reconciliation happens ALL THE TIME.
Thanks. This makes sense to me.

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post #41 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:38 AM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

Marcangelo, Im sorry you are here and wish you the best. I think the thoughts you are having are pretty normal. Its hard to recover from infidelity in any circumstance and there are always going to be things that act as triggers.
How is your reconciliation going? Im also currently reconciled after my wife's affair. I understand that ups and the downs, the uncertainty and the insecurities. Its hard. I wish you the best.
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post #42 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:55 AM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

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Originally Posted by marcangelo View Post
She moved out and continued to see her boyfriend for 5 months. I was tempted to file for divorce (obviously), but felt strongly that it would be worth it to wait and see how things develop. Partly because we have a 3 year old daughter but also because I have valued our relationship so much. We are back together now


Quote:
Originally Posted by marcangelo View Post
Recently I found her lover's old condoms in her drawer while I was looking for socks, and it brought back bad feelings..... The fact that they were "magnum" condoms made me feel uncomfortable
It's too bad his junk makes you so uncomfortable. I bet it made her plenty comfy.

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Anyhow, any thoughts would be appreciated.
"She's NOT worth it..." Just repeat those words 1,000 times to yourself.

Maybe it will stick.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #43 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 04:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

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Marcangelo, Im sorry you are here and wish you the best. I think the thoughts you are having are pretty normal. Its hard to recover from infidelity in any circumstance and there are always going to be things that act as triggers.
How is your reconciliation going? Im also currently reconciled after my wife's affair. I understand that ups and the downs, the uncertainty and the insecurities. Its hard. I wish you the best.
Thanks. Things are going well. We had a good joint counseling session yesterday.
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post #44 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 05:18 PM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

marcangelo, if you are still finding condoms a year later, and being triggered, take that as a sign of the rest of your life with her. You will never forget what she did, or that she thought OM needed "magnum" condoms. You will be wondering, "Does she think I am a magnum?" No matter how much she reassures you, you will also wonder if she is really means it, or is just saying it to console you.

Now, if you had found the condoms, and thought, "no big deal" and thrown them away without a thought, I'd say you were going to do well in the future. Those condoms triggered you, and you will be experiencing triggers over your wife's affair until death do you part...unless you decide to divorce and give yourself a chance to start anew with someone else.
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post #45 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 03:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

^^ It's not about "am I magnum", it's just that the moment triggered feelings of humiliation/anger. We are working on that.
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