She just told me about it after seeing him for a month behind my back. She was supposed to be in San Diego on a "girls trip" with friends but instead went to a hotel with her bf. I asked her to move out. She saw him off and on for about 7 months while living on her own... I was also dating someone during this time. I don't feel like I need to know some of the other details.
There were definitely setbacks along the way during this time, but ultimately I decided to see if reconciliation was possible. She has acknowledged that I can/might walk away at any time.
I do believe she is genuinely remorseful. She has reached out to my family to share her regrets.. they have tentatively given her another chance.
Thanks for your response. So let me understand this correct.
18 months ago your wife of 10 years met a well hung man. Do you know who he is, how they met, how long before the San Diego trip had they been "talking" and was that really the first time. Also have there been others (you don't really know do you).
Anyway, she doesn't go to San Diego but goes to a motel with the POSOM. She continues to see him for a month without you knowing. Was she sleeping with him and you at the same time. Do you know if you got sloppy seconds after she finished with him on the same day (especially if you gave her oral). You see, you do need to know some details because you don't really know what you are forgiving.
Then for some reason she tells you about it. You didn't have any gut feel, or clues that something was off which is not usual/normal. You ask her to leave. She goes. Where ? Did she move in with him ? Did she rent ? Did she go to her parents ? This goes on for 7 months (in your first post you said 5 months).
Did she take your 3 year old daughter with her or was your daughter with you ? If so how did you cope ?
You in the meantime find someone else. Did you go looking for someone or did it just happen ? Did you already know this someone before this happened. What happened to this someone in the end. How did the two of you stop seeing each other. I am assuming that you were sleeping with this someone.
You then say that there were "setbacks" along the way. What were these ? You were tempted to file for divorce but wanted to hold back to see how this worked out while the two of you were seeing other people. You did this because you valued your relationship too much.
In any case she then decided to dump her boyfriend and even got a restraining order against him. So he didn't turn out to be the grand prize she thought he was. So she now decides she wants to come back and you let her. So she moves back in and while doing so, brings his used magnum condom with her and while she is putting things back into drawers etc, she somehow packs the used magnum condom in with her stuff in a drawer.
The two of you go to counselling thinking this will fix things. And she has now been back for 4 months and "seems" remorseful because she has reached out to your family to share her "regrets".
And you are wondering why you still feel bad and get triggers ?!?!?!?
Things that I would wonder about are:
How many times has she done this with other men before.
Did she really come back for you or for stability since King Kong didn't work out for her (aka Plan B).
Is she really remorseful or just regrets that it didn't work out.
Whats with transporting the used condom from her place back to yours.
What real consequences has she faced for her actions.
You see what I mean by there is still a lot to know and that you haven't really handled this well. So please listen to some of the others here that say that you should file for D anyway to see her true colours (you can always stop it right until the last minute). She should be moving mountains to make you feel OK and should be giving you truthful answers on demand no matter how many times you ask her. She should be ready to take a poly. She should be transparent in her communications and actions. And all this with no real guarantee of R. And as others have pointed out this triggering etc. can go on for 5 years. You are in no position right now to R.