Getting Over An Affair - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 59Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #46 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 06:14 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 20
Re: Getting Over An Affair

This thread has led me to seek out more details about the affair, so thank you. Although it's obviously painful I came to see that it was required for true healing. I've learned more from her and also some friends I've checked in with.. Things that are awful and difficult to handle, but not a real shock.

I'm still committed to the reconciliation-- as long as my wife continues to take concrete steps forward. She knows she has a lot of work to do in the coming months/years.

She was forthright about certain details and expressed remorse for how she acted. Is taking concrete steps to try to mend what happened such as calling more family and friends to share remorse for specific things she said to them/ how she acted in general.

Anyhow:

- she told several people that I used porn "a lot" even though at that point it was only once or twice a month (had been more years earlier)

- she spoke openly with some friends, and her sister, about enjoying sex with OM

- she shared his **** size with her sister and one other friend

- she was angry with me for various things at the time (mostly unexpressed) and used this anger to justify her actions

says the reason why had the affair was that we weren't having enough sex- she wanted 3-4 times a week and it was often only once. She had brought this up and was a source of some conflict. I have chronic pain, which she knows, so that's been a factor at times.

we'll see how things progress. I'm still working out how to forgive these actions, and whether it's even wise to do so. I want to keep the process going though.


Last edited by marcangelo; 03-16-2017 at 06:19 PM.
marcangelo is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #47 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 06:29 PM
Member
 
Wolf1974's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 4,821
Re: Getting Over An Affair

Disclaimer up front I don't think you should reconcile, she blew up the marriage and that's on her. You have voluntarily put yourself in the option B category

You forgive her and did reconcile so what you need to do now is:

Prepare yourself for when this happens again

Make a plan on how to move forward

Get STD tested asap

You need to have clear transparency in the marriage. Open access to all phones, emails, Facebook accounts so on

She needs to continue therapy and work on her issues that made her cheat

For the most part you are going to have to live the rest of your life as a PI. Don't make kids with her and if you have don't make more. They ultimately pay the biggest price.
Wolf1974 is online now  
post #48 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 06:32 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,202
Re: Getting Over An Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by marcangelo View Post
This thread has led me to seek out more details about the affair, so thank you. Although it's obviously painful I came to see that it was required for true healing. I've learned more from her and also some friends I've checked in with.. Things that are awful and difficult to handle, but not a real shock.

I'm still committed to the reconciliation-- as long as my wife continues to take concrete steps forward. She knows she has a lot of work to do in the coming months/years.

She was forthright about certain details and expressed remorse for how she acted. Is taking concrete steps to try to mend what happened such as calling more family and friends to share remorse for specific things she said to them/ how she acted in general.

Anyhow:

- she told several people that I used porn "a lot" even though at that point it was only once or twice a month (had been more years earlier)

- she spoke openly with some friends, and her sister, about enjoying sex with OM

- she shared his **** size with her sister and one other friend

- she was angry with me for various things at the time (mostly unexpressed) and used this anger to justify her actions

says the reason why had the affair was that we weren't having enough sex- she wanted 3-4 times a week and it was often only once. She had brought this up and was a source of some conflict. I have chronic pain, which she knows, so that's been a factor at times.

we'll see how things progress. I'm still working out how to forgive these actions, and whether it's even wise to do so. I want to keep the process going though.
I would like to propose you as the winner of this years rug sweeper of the year award.I know it's early in the year but you deserve it.Your wife ****s another man for months,goes on vacation with him,tells her friends and family about his huge **** while you get a peck on the cheek from your date.She keeps his king size condoms as a memento of special times never to be forgotten and now that her affair has gone belly up along with her job she is choosing you as fall back boy.But she realises she will have to take concrete steps for you to reconcile with her.You have allready reconciled with her dude and she does not give a **** for you or your meaningless ultimations.You are plan B and will never be plan A.
Andy1001 is offline  
 
post #49 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 06:36 PM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,031
Re: Getting Over An Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by marcangelo View Post
This thread has led me to seek out more details about the affair, so thank you. Although it's obviously painful I came to see that it was required for true healing. I've learned more from her and also some friends I've checked in with.. Things that are awful and difficult to handle, but not a real shock.

I'm still committed to the reconciliation-- as long as my wife continues to take concrete steps forward. She knows she has a lot of work to do in the coming months/years.

She was forthright about certain details and expressed remorse for how she acted. Is taking concrete steps to try to mend what happened such as calling more family and friends to share remorse for specific things she said to them/ how she acted in general.

Anyhow:

- she told several people that I used porn "a lot" even though at that point it was only once or twice a month (had been more years earlier)

- she spoke openly with some friends, and her sister, about enjoying sex with OM

- she shared his **** size with her sister and one other friend

- she was angry with me for various things at the time (mostly unexpressed) and used this anger to justify her actions

says the reason why had the affair was that we weren't having enough sex- she wanted 3-4 times a week and it was often only once. She had brought this up and was a source of some conflict. I have chronic pain, which she knows, so that's been a factor at times.

we'll see how things progress. I'm still working out how to forgive these actions, and whether it's even wise to do so. I want to keep the process going though.
So how many of these friends actively (or even passively) encouraged or provided emotional or material support for her affair?

Also, rugsweep much?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #50 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:33 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 20
Re: Getting Over An Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
So how many of these friends actively (or even passively) encouraged or provided emotional or material support for her affair?

Also, rugsweep much?
I'll make this my last post in this thread. Thanks everyone who shared. It was helpful. I get the harsh reactions and obviously have experienced those feelings/thoughts myself.

The nature of our reconciliation is that it is a work in progress and that is clear. Concrete steps have been taken, and I expect will continue to be taken. She knows she has a lot of work left to do, over years. This is all established.

Regarding your comment above, I do think that some of her friends were passively supporting her, even though they privately condemned her behavior. Some did directly to her.

Re: "swept under the rug" I disagre -- what I'm sharing is that the opposite is happening. More details have come out, painful conversations continuing to happen. I've wanted to know if these transgressions can be forgiven. Obviously I'm still working on that.

Some of you seem to be reacting too emotionally. I don't need to make these decisions based on wounded pride, but rather on what's possible for the future and the changes/reforms that I see her making.

Yes, I've spoken about some awful/degrading **** I experienced over 7 months. There's a lot of really wonderful experiences we've had in 13 years, also, that I haven't shared about. There's a big upside here that none of you (apart from 1-2) seem to acknowledge. Awful things can be forgiven under certain circumstances.

13 years isn't necessarily wiped away by a ****ty stretch of time. I want to continue to see what happens. Eyes wide open. If the reforms don't continue or there's another episode of cheating, I can always move on. I wasn't desperate/depressed when it all happened and I wouldn't be if it happened again.

It doesn't make sense to back out immediately after more truth comes out. I asked for the truth from her and I can deal with it. I already knew she was behaving badly during those months, as she has acknowledged many times over the last year. Getting more detail about exactly how ****ty she was acting isn't necessarily a deciding factor. It matters, sure.

Re: "Plan B"... As i've said, she broke up with OM, and was working for months get a second chance with me. Maybe four months. So if that has to happen again, it will.

Thanks again.

Last edited by marcangelo; 03-23-2017 at 12:21 PM.
marcangelo is online now  
post #51 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:42 PM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,031
Re: Getting Over An Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by marcangelo View Post
I'll make this my last post in this thread. Thanks everyone who shared. It was helpful. I get the harsh reactions and obviously have experienced those feelings/thoughts myself.

The nature of our reconciliation is that it is a work in progress and that is clear. Concrete steps have been taken, and I expect will continue to be taken. She knows she has a lot of work left to do, over years. This is all established.

Regarding your comment above, I do think that some of her friends were passively supporting her, even though they privately condemned her behavior. Some did directly to her.

Re: "swept under the rug" I disagre -- what I'm sharing is that the opposite is happening. More details have come out, painful conversations continuing to happen. I've wanted to know if these transgressions can be forgiven. Obviously I'm still working on that.

Some of you seem to be reacting too emotionally. I don't need to make these decisions based on wounded pride, but rather on what's possible for the future and the changes/reforms that I see her making.

Yes, I've spoken about some awful/degrading **** I experienced over 7 months. There's a lot of really wonderful experiences we've had in 13 years, also, that I haven't shared about. There's a big upside here that none of you (apart from 1-2) seem to acknowledge. Awful things can be forgiven under certain circumstances.

13 years isn't necessarily wiped away by a ****ty stretch of time. I want to continue to see what happens. Eyes wide open. If the reforms don't continue or there's another episode of cheating, I can always move on. I wasn't desperate/depressed when it all happened and I wouldn't be if it happened again.

It doesn't make sense to back out immediately after more truth comes out. I asked for the truth from her and I can deal with it. I already knew she was behaving like a terrible person during those months, as she has acknowledged many times over the last year. Getting more detail about exactly how ****ty she was acting isn't necessarily a deciding factor. It matters, sure.

I already knew she was an awful human being for those seven months. That's been established. She has already taken concrete steps, and will continue to take more. Or it won't work.

Re: "Plan B"... As i've said, she broke up with OM, and was working for months get a second chance with me. Maybe six months. So if that has to happen again, it will.

Thanks again.
It's taken you (what?) 18 months to get these additional details out of her.

Details that you needed to heal.

Details that you've avoided.

So yes, you've been rugsweeping.

There's nothing emotional about pointing at the sky and saying, "Hey, that's blue" or at the grass and saying, "Hey, that's green."

And 18 months later you're finding OM's condoms in your house? I think I'd check the manufacture date on those condoms.

Either way, I question how remorseful your formerly wayward wife could be given that OM's condoms are still laying around.

Or how formerly wayward she really is.

And hey... can't wait to see what you find next week.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #52 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 09:08 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 20
Re: Getting Over An Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
It's taken you (what?) 18 months to get these additional details out of her.

Details that you needed to heal.

Details that you've avoided.

So yes, you've been rugsweeping.

There's nothing emotional about pointing at the sky and saying, "Hey, that's blue" or at the grass and saying, "Hey, that's green."

And 18 months later you're finding OM's condoms in your house? I think I'd check the manufacture date on those condoms.

Either way, I question how remorseful your formerly wayward wife could be given that OM's condoms are still laying around.

Or how formerly wayward she really is.

And hey... can't wait to see what you find next week.
Do you want an update if things continue to go well? I doubt that.

If anyone wants to continue on this topic genuinely-- please pm.
marcangelo is online now  
post #53 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 09:42 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,903
Re: Getting Over An Affair

I understand that some people walk away this site because it can be hard to take at times, other find it cathartic...it sounds like you are so hell bent to reconcile with your wife that your are willing to swallow a lot of humiliation.....and coming here only makes you question your decision....in the end it's your life but I would tell you this, I would tell her to remove those people that did know and said nothing or helped her keep the secret., you and I both know she wouldn't drop them...and over time she will stop the heavy lifting....I just hope when that happens your strong enough to leave.....she may have come back to you...but don't think for one sec you won the lottery....I don't believe for one moment she is remorseful..good luck.

Last edited by Lostinthought61; 03-17-2017 at 08:13 AM.
Lostinthought61 is online now  
post #54 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:38 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: In the fort behind the sofa
Posts: 5,105
Re: Getting Over An Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by marcangelo View Post
Do you want an update if things continue to go well? I doubt that.

If anyone wants to continue on this topic genuinely-- please pm.
When things turn to crap again we'll welcome you back with open arms.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
Malaise is online now  
post #55 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:45 PM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,031
Re: Getting Over An Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by marcangelo View Post
Do you want an update if things continue to go well? I doubt that.

If anyone wants to continue on this topic genuinely-- please pm.
We're likely to disagree on what constitutes "going well".

Hell, for that matter, you might disagree w/ the you from last week.

Either way, if you expected that everyone here would just pat you on the back and blindly applaud your efforts at whatever... well, you should've done a bit more reading first. This isn't really the site for that.

But you know what?

Your circus, your monkeys, man.


Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #56 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:32 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 71
Re: Getting Over An Affair

Disagree on what constitutes!!
emmasmith is offline  
post #57 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:48 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 3,290
Re: Getting Over An Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by Quality View Post
Presuming you weren't virgins when you married, it does go away and becomes about as significant as thinking about her having sex with others before you even met her.

The best way I know to get over it is to make your marriage mutually awesome.

A great marriage really removes any regrets.

It takes time. I'm sure your wife isn't thrilled thinking about what you did with your "friend" either (but since she begged to get you back and she had the first affair, she's not mentioning it - but if you were still married, it's still adultery).

It's been over a year ~~ you don't have to go back and revisit all the little facts and details. Instead focus on the now and make your present and future marriage better by studying and learning how to rebuild a great marriage together.

The best and most productive "consequence" is being an really kind, loving and forgiving husband such that they'll end up kicking themselves over and over again wondering how they ever conceived of the notion of cheating on you.

I'm recovered over two decades now and my wife and I together, in real life, apply our knowledge, skill and experiences helping other couples confront and overcome these infidelity issues in their marriage. Despite what you read here on TAM, recover/reconciliation happens ALL THE TIME.
Another guy here who has over 2 decades of reconciliation under the belt.

A lot of those suggesting you take a hard line, come up with all the the things you should demand, insist your wife does all the work, etc, have something in common.

They are divorced.

Look, you need to be strong in yourself, you need to work on yourself, and you need to deal with the fact of what your wife did. And you don't just roll over and let her treat you like crap. But you don't improve a relationship that is experiencing difficulties by adding more difficulties.
Wazza is offline  
post #58 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:17 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 1,670
Re: Getting Over An Affair

3-5 years? Well, I'm about to hit 4 and it still hurts. Not as frequently of course but when it hits, it hits hard. And I feel like lashing out. It's gone and then it's there - triggers are everywhere.

I think the worse thing, and I'm older, is that I have lost interest in relationships and sex pretty much.

I'll tell you something. I tried to reconcile a few times but it all failed. The last time was approx a year ago. In a nutshell it got a bit hot and heavy one night and I got spruced up in my room - smelling nice full of expectation, kids asleep etc and waiting with baited breath.

Result - she's a no show for more than half an hour then comes upstairs and lays on the "I'm tired" and "do we have to" routine. I'm so used to knock backs from way back that I laughed. I asked her what happened and she said "I was watching K D Laing". I split.

Don't let happen what I let happen to me - be warned, if you not getting what you want and deserve, get out.
Horizon is offline  
post #59 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 02:23 PM
Member
 
manfromlamancha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 2,328
Re: Getting Over An Affair

MarcAngelo, you must accept that you have gotten some pretty good advice and "heads-ups" here at TAM (along with all the 2X4's) - some of it based on experience, some on emotion, nearly all based on both.

If you valued what you heard (in general) then you should come back and update.

I for one would like you to come back because we don't like to see too many BS's fail at this.

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
manfromlamancha is offline  
post #60 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:06 AM
Forum Supporter
 
3Xnocharm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 5,775
Re: Getting Over An Affair

The truth is, you may NEVER be able to get over her affair, even if she does everything 100% right. Some people can, many cannot. I dont think I would ever be able to, not enough to be able to put it fully behind me.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
3Xnocharm is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
affair, marriage adivce

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
One week after exposing the affair synergy1981 Coping with Infidelity 210 12-31-2016 05:33 PM
Should I ask wife if she is having affair, or find out more first ? sfViz Coping with Infidelity 73 09-21-2016 03:31 AM
A strange affair lostinoh Coping with Infidelity 37 09-20-2016 01:17 PM
Fighting for My Marriage, with an affair Taken Place johnathen General Relationship Discussion 32 05-06-2016 08:23 AM
Does the length of the affair matter? Truthseeker1 Coping with Infidelity 30 03-31-2016 01:03 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome