Getting Over An Affair - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:22 AM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

It's not going to be easy. I'm trying to work through not knowing if my wife had an actual affair or if it was only a text as she says. In all my investigation, I have found nothing that proves things ever got physical and more that proves it never did. But there's still the question that always haunts me, the "what if". We have good days, bad days and strange days, but like you after being together for 15 years and thinking about everything we've done and built together, I don't feel it's worth losing all of that over one big "what if".

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post #62 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:26 AM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

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Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
It's not going to be easy. I'm trying to work through not knowing if my wife had an actual affair or if it was only a text as she says. In all my investigation, I have found nothing that proves things ever got physical and more that proves it never did. But there's still the question that always haunts me, the "what if". We have good days, bad days and strange days, but like you after being together for 15 years and thinking about everything we've done and built together, I don't feel it's worth losing all of that over one big "what if".
Atmy end, i know this is not your thread but let me add that last question.....that really is the question that should have been posed to your wife....regardless if they did or did not have a physical affair....what it worth throwing away 15 years together?....have her answer that, because ultimately that is what she did
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post #63 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:09 AM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

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Atmy end, i know this is not your thread but let me add that last question.....that really is the question that should have been posed to your wife....regardless if they did or did not have a physical affair....what it worth throwing away 15 years together?....have her answer that, because ultimately that is what she did
There is a little more to my story than just this. She caught me in an EA about 2 years ago. When I was caught I came completely clean and showed her everything. The OW was 1000 miles away and after much discussion she knew things never got physical. Over the past 2 years things have been rough, up and down constantly. I've asked her many times whether she wanted to really work on our marriage or if she did want to just through away 15 years of our lives, our family and everything we've built together because of a few stupid choices that both us have made. Her answer is always the same, right know she just wants to feel comfortable again and peaceful between us and that she won't be able to answer that question until she feels that. And that's still her answer after I saw a text on her phone from OM and confronted her. She says that nothing happened and it was an unsolicited text from a friend, that yes they've flirted in the past but it never went any further than that. She tells me she feels uncomfortable because she feels I'm constantly watching her and everything she does and until she feels that she won't be able to move forward.

It's tough because in the past few weeks I have pulled the 180. She's accused me of spying on her, GPSing her car and even hacking into her phone. Each time I've proven her completely wrong yet she still says she doesn't believe me. I really am at the point of I just need to keep rolling along to just see if things will ever get better. I've told her that I'm not giving up just yet, and that we have too much good history together to just throw it all away over 2 rough years and a few stupid mistakes and that I for one want to do anything and everything to at least try. And although in the last month I have seen signs of her trying, just as things start to look up, they come crashing down again.
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post #64 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:36 AM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

OP,
No one can make the decision for you to R or even give you advice that will be 100% guaranteed, life does not come with guarantees. However, based on your W's behavior there can be suppositions and expectations derived. It really will fall to her as to whether or not the R is successful based on the amount of dedication she has for the marriage. She has dealt the marriage a death blow and its recovery will be dependent upon how willing she is to sacrifice of herself to help you, and it, heal. This is a very arduous endeavor she is undertaking and she most probably does not fully understand how difficult it will be.

True R is very rare due to many factors, not the least of which is the WS's propensity to selfishness. It is practically impossible for someone to exhibit that level of self absorption and then display the empathy and giving required to heal a spouse/marriage. Absent an almost complete selflessness, the brunt of the R effort then falls to the BS and ends up being a R in name only, lacking the real substance necessary for the marriage to heal. Only you can determine whether or not your W is displaying this level of contrition and self sacrifice but I can assure you that if she is not, then your R will be a farce and you may well find yourself in this place again having never fully healed from the last occurrence.

She is really the key to this and it is her actions that you must closely monitor for signs of true, heartfelt remorse and an overwhelming desire to rebuild that which she has destroyed. This includes unwavering diligence in her efforts and I must say that the prophylactic incident does not show relentless desire to see that you are not hurt further by her actions or the residue of same but rather seems to indicate a more nonchalant attitude. Careful observance on your part is warranted.

Also, you must remember that therapy can augment a persons change but the person must have more than just a casual desire to be different. It must be something they want and see the need to accomplish more than anything or the therapy will be mostly ineffectual.

Peace and long life
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post #65 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 06:23 AM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

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OP,
No one can make the decision for you to R or even give you advice that will be 100% guaranteed, life does not come with guarantees. However, based on your W's behavior there can be suppositions and expectations derived. It really will fall to her as to whether or not the R is successful based on the amount of dedication she has for the marriage. She has dealt the marriage a death blow and its recovery will be dependent upon how willing she is to sacrifice of herself to help you, and it, heal. This is a very arduous endeavor she is undertaking and she most probably does not fully understand how difficult it will be.

True R is very rare due to many factors, not the least of which is the WS's propensity to selfishness. It is practically impossible for someone to exhibit that level of self absorption and then display the empathy and giving required to heal a spouse/marriage. Absent an almost complete selflessness, the brunt of the R effort then falls to the BS and ends up being a R in name only, lacking the real substance necessary for the marriage to heal. Only you can determine whether or not your W is displaying this level of contrition and self sacrifice but I can assure you that if she is not, then your R will be a farce and you may well find yourself in this place again having never fully healed from the last occurrence.

She is really the key to this and it is her actions that you must closely monitor for signs of true, heartfelt remorse and an overwhelming desire to rebuild that which she has destroyed. This includes unwavering diligence in her efforts and I must say that the prophylactic incident does not show relentless desire to see that you are not hurt further by her actions or the residue of same but rather seems to indicate a more nonchalant attitude. Careful observance on your part is warranted.

Also, you must remember that therapy can augment a persons change but the person must have more than just a casual desire to be different. It must be something they want and see the need to accomplish more than anything or the therapy will be mostly ineffectual.
Maybe your reconciliation was different from mine, but I have a very different view of how it should work.

I agree that reconciliation is an individual decision. It's tough and only you can know if your heart is in it.

I'm not sure it's rare. Good numbers are hard to come by but I reckon it's probably something like 30% of marriages that reconcile. (I've seen lower and higher numbers).

As for it being totally on the wayward to make it work, I could not disagree more. It can't succeed unless both parties are all in. But the wayward is either someone who has nobreal commitment to fidelity (in which case reconciliation is impossible) or someone who made a bad choice at a point in time (in which case they probably have issues to deal with). Either way, they are going to need help and support.

The betrayed might want the wayward to do more, but I don't see it happening.
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