Getting Over An Affair - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 04:51 PM Thread Starter
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Getting Over An Affair

Hello,

I am looking for any support/advice from someone who has accepted their spouse back after a significant affair. My wife of ten years had an affair about a year 1/2 ago. She moved out and continued to see her boyfriend for 5 months. I was tempted to file for divorce (obviously), but felt strongly that it would be worth it to wait and see how things develop. We are back together now and have gone through therapy etc. I have said I am giving this all a chance, and will see how it goes for me.

I am curious how others have felt the evolution of emotions, and whether it is likely to recover from this. Sometimes I feel like I need to work harder to move forward, but other times I wonder if I ever really will. Painful emotions still arise and are difficult to restrain/express.

Recently I found her lover's old condoms in her drawer while I was looking for socks, and it brought back bad feelings. I believed her that she had just forgotten they were there. The fact that they were "magnum" condoms made me feel uncomfortable. There's certain things you don't want to know about your wife's lover.

any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks,


Last edited by marcangelo; 03-23-2017 at 12:27 PM.
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post #2 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 04:58 PM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

What is SHE doing to fix things? What has she done for you? Is she clear of STD's? Has she given you a complete timeline of everything she did? Has she offered to cut off her left boob for you?
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post #3 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 05:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

She has been more supportive/aware of my needs than previously. And she's done some therapy to get at the underlying issues (not dealing well with stress, etc)... more needs to happen.

I feel like I have a timeline of everything that happened, yes. thanks.
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post #4 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 05:14 PM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

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Originally Posted by marcangelo View Post
She has been more supportive/aware of my needs than previously.
Examples please.

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Originally Posted by marcangelo View Post
And she's done some therapy to get at the underlying issues (not dealing well with stress, etc)... more needs to happen.
When will more happen?

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Originally Posted by marcangelo View Post
I feel like I have a timeline of everything that happened, yes. thanks.
You FEEL?? That doesn't sound very sure to me. SHE has to give it to you. She has to tell the complete and total TRUTH. About EVERYTHING.
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post #5 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 05:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

She is still in therapy so I am hopeful/expecting more progress to happen. Mostly it feels like she has addressed core issues of stress, selfishness, etc. At times it feels like she hasn't as much as I would expect. It's more my own emotions that I am concerned about. Small things that can trigger a range of emotions still. The condom thing for example.

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by needing to know everything... I feel like I know the major details about when it started, stopped, etc. Can you give me an example of something you would want to know if you were me?

Last edited by marcangelo; 03-16-2017 at 12:50 PM.
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post #6 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 05:29 PM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

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I'm not sure exactly what you mean by needing to know everything... I feel like I know the major details about when it started, stopped, etc. Can you give me an example of something you would want to know if you were me?
Many betrayed spouses want to know exact dates and times, that kind of thing. The important thing is that SHE be doing most of the work here - that's what I am trying to get a sense of. What does she do when you tell her you're triggering? Has she offered to show you STD test results? Has she apologized ten million times? How remorseful is she?

What SHE does determines what YOU do.

How long ago did you find out about her cheating?
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post #7 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 05:30 PM
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post #8 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 05:45 PM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

Unfortunately this is what occurs when one spouse goes off and has an affair while the other one keep the home fires going, rather than take action and divorce they pine for the other spouse and beg and cry and at times willing to wait and wait until they (other spouse) comes back and when they do there is a sense of euphoria for a while and then depression sets in because the reality is that one spouse spouse was suffering, and the other spouse was not there to comfort them, instead they were shacking up with lust and hunger and desire until they had their fill, then they cam home...in this case she came home to you know that you are plan b, what ever she says you are plan b...until the next time and that is the problem, because in the back of your mind, she has not done the heavy lifting , she has not shown you that you can trust her again, she makes feeble attempt at remorse and compassion but deep down there is no regret, and there is alway the chance it will happen again...this is what you won. and it doesn't go away for at least 3 to 5 years....and you will become angry with her, because deep down inside you regret taking her back and you are angry at your self....the fact you found those condems means they were doing in your martial bed....that bed shoudl be burned along with the mattress and she should buy you a new bed.
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post #9 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 05:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

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Unfortunately this is what occurs when one spouse goes off and has an affair while the other one keep the home fires going, rather than take action and divorce they pine for the other spouse and beg and cry and at times willing to wait and wait until they (other spouse) comes back.
thanks for the thoughts. I wasn't really begging and crying though... I was seeing someone else during the separation and it was mostly my wife who was working to get back together.

Last edited by marcangelo; 03-16-2017 at 12:50 PM.
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post #10 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:07 PM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

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Originally Posted by marcangelo View Post
She has been more supportive/aware of my needs than previously. And she's done some therapy to get at the underlying issues (not dealing well with stress, etc)... more needs to happen.

I feel like I have a timeline of everything that happened, yes. thanks.
So she left his condoms laying around?

Boy she sounds like a real catch.

And super supportive!

*cough* DNA the kid!


Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #11 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:07 PM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

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thanks for the thoughts. I wasn't really begging and crying though... I was seeing someone else during the separation and it was my wife who was working to get back together.
Well frankly i am glad, you are exception and not the rule....so i have to ask you what promises did she make if you were to get back? you were seeing someone who wanted to be with you, but decided to get back at her pleading...what promises and has she lived up to them? but don't tell me you don't still live with regards for coming back together?

PS i woudl still get rid of the bed and have her pay for a new one
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post #12 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:45 PM
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Getting Over An Affair

Btw magnum condoms aren't actually any bigger - it's a marketing scam.


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Last edited by TheTruthHurts; 03-10-2017 at 11:48 AM.
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post #13 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:25 PM
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

I'm so sorry for your situation. I've been reading a book lately that says that the stages of losing a spouse or a partner are a lot like the stages of grief. Similar evolution of emotions etc

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post #14 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

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Well frankly i am glad, you are exception and not the rule....so i have to ask you what promises did she make if you were to get back? you were seeing someone who wanted to be with you, but decided to get back at her pleading...what promises and has she lived up to them? but don't tell me you don't still live with regards for coming back together?

PS i woudl still get rid of the bed and have her pay for a new one
The promises were mostly about addressing with her underlying emotional/mental issues. Mostly how she deals with stress. At the time of the affair she was starting her own business. I feel like she has made progress in that area (stress). There's been some lapses, yeah.

I don't regret getting back together, as difficult as it's been.

Last edited by marcangelo; 03-15-2017 at 02:56 PM.
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post #15 of 65 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Getting Over An Affair

double post-

Last edited by marcangelo; 03-16-2017 at 12:50 PM.
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