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post #31 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:19 AM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

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Originally Posted by manwithnoname View Post
But the same thing can happen if he's doing opposite, putting her on a pedestal, orbiting her, following her around like a sad little puppy.
Women often leave men because they are being neglected in their marriage. True, some of these women turn towards others to meet their needs while still married, so the OP should quietly investigate if that's the case with his wife, but there is a possibility she isn't yet in an A.

I know several women who at the 20 year mark in their marriages start feeling fed up with their husband's lack of interest in them. I know one in particular who couldn't get her husband's attention (or into MC) until she told him they needed to separate. Another couldn't get her husband's attention until she started getting her own life, going out more with friends, and developed a friendship with another man. Not the recommended way of handling things for sure, but this woman had been trying to get her husband's attention for years.

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-...bands-mkp-mjr/

"They had heard for too long that they were too emotional and needy.
Their desire for affection and attention and intimacy had been missing for too long.

They had been lied to, ignored, taken for granted, yelled at and not talked to or touched, in some cases, for years.

Their requests to work together on the relationship had been declined. Their men said working on relationship was too hard and took too much time."

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post #32 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:26 AM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

My experience with this request is that it really means, "If I am not in an affair at this moment, I really want to dip my toe in the dating pool, see if I can't do better."

Your response is, "GO, I am going to divorce you." Please do not contact me again, my lawyer will be in contact with you shortly. Please do not consider any asset, inclusive of bank accounts and credit cards to be portable at this point, they are/will be frozen within the hour.

If you choose to walk out that door, do not bother ever coming back. WE ARE DONE! Do not ask for anything, as I no longer consider you to be my spouse, and therefore, I will no longer be responsible for you.

I shall be calling everyone we know to let them in on your latest venture. Have a sh!t life.
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post #33 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:33 AM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

Yeah, my brother in law got the "I need to be alone. I need to find myself" line too. After she moved out, we found out the OM had also moved out of his marital home too, (into his own place). She just wanted to be alone with her OM. I mean she only had to be a mom 1/2 the time and the other 1/2 she could be living the single life.
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post #34 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

I have seen this almost annually in my practice. Many a time I have had the spouse sitting across from me, in tears, wondering what they did? Soccermom2three had it right, that act is an act. "I want to move out to find myself" usually means, I want to do a survey on various gonads, if I find one better, then by all means, if not, then I will come back, but I will make you sorry that you are plan b.

I had one client who got this little request. Wife made very little, and wanted him to pay for her new pad. He put a PI on his wife immediately. Within two days before she moved, the PI paid off, he went to AP's office where he assaulted the AP. (That was the only stupid thing he did in all of this) He took the AP to the AP's wife and had him tell her all the detail. Then he gave the wife his home address. Gave OMW names and addresses of his wife's family. Made damn sure that AP could not warn my client's wife.

Here she thought she is moving out to be with her AP in a few days, then OMW shows up at the door.

OMW shows up with her kids. Wife had all of her "you go, girls" there, to help with "finding herself". Wife no longer has any friends. Wife lives at her Mom & Dad's. Wife now has no life.

OMW divorced her husband, and took him for everything. My client is in the process of divorce. The wife has no life at all.

Last edited by Taxman; 03-10-2017 at 02:31 PM.
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post #35 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 02:30 PM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

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Women often leave men because they are being neglected in their marriage. True, some of these women turn towards others to meet their needs while still married, so the OP should quietly investigate if that's the case with his wife, but there is a possibility she isn't yet in an A.

I know several women who at the 20 year mark in their marriages start feeling fed up with their husband's lack of interest in them. I know one in particular who couldn't get her husband's attention (or into MC) until she told him they needed to separate. Another couldn't get her husband's attention until she started getting her own life, going out more with friends, and developed a friendship with another man. Not the recommended way of handling things for sure, but this woman had been trying to get her husband's attention for years.

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-...bands-mkp-mjr/

"They had heard for too long that they were too emotional and needy.
Their desire for affection and attention and intimacy had been missing for too long.

They had been lied to, ignored, taken for granted, yelled at and not talked to or touched, in some cases, for years.

Please provide some examples of how they let the husband know they were neglected. It's true many women expect their husband to be able to read their mind or guess what's bothering them.

Their requests to work together on the relationship had been declined. Their men said working on relationship was too hard and took too much time."
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post #36 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 02:39 PM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

Do not consent to her moving out. Insist she stay in the home, but agree to do marriage counselling to discuss how the marriage can be improved. All people and all long term marriages have issues, and you are willing to work on yours. But if she moves out it is over, because in your mind the only reason to move out is to date other people. She won't like it, but if she truly is interested in saving the marriage she will respect you for it and agree. If she moves out after hearing you say that, then you can be confident your marriage had zero chance of recovery and you made the right choice to divorce.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #37 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 02:43 PM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

...We hear he is a whiz of a wiz
...If ever a wiz there was
...If ever, oh ever a wiz there was
...because, because, because, because....because of the wonderful things he does!
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post #38 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 02:49 PM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
I disagree with one thing, deidre. When she leaves, she won't include her husband in the "dating".... he will be slowly whittled out of her life, as I'm sure you know. But she will keep the security and money flowing from her husband as long as possible.

She's a liar. She wants time away from her husband to be with other men, like you said. ALONE???
Who wants to be AONE???
No, she meant she wants time alone with heir other man/men.

OP needs to provide walking papers.
Let's be realistic, OP. Your wife only wants to separate so not only can she be with other men, but hasn't mentioned divorce because she wants you to pay for it--- and provide babysitting services free of charge while she bangs these other dudes.

This "time alone" thing is such a lie.
Totally agree. She sounds like yet another jerk that misleads her spouse into thinking she is 'finding herself' but really...she just wants to find other men.

I say, get out while you still have your dignity, OP.

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post #39 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 03:56 PM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

I wouldn't bother checking the phone bill or giving any thought to what might keep her from setting up shop in her bachelorette pad. Even if she doesn't actually go, she's effectively ended the relationship. Why bother with finding out who the guy is or trying to stop her from going? She has gone full EPL and is "trying to find herself" at the tip of Chad's ****. There is nothing to work out here, nothing to fix, etc. There is nothing, period. Don't go rooting through the garbage. Cut your losses, accept her statement as a gift (you know who she really is and how things really are between you two), make yourself your own mental point of origin, and move on to making your life great. Read MMSL and the Rational Male to get your bearings, and turn yourself into a high-value man. It's a brutal thing to have happen to you, but you can come out much stronger and happier on the other side.

Last edited by DoctorSane; 03-10-2017 at 04:07 PM. Reason: Misread some previous replies
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post #40 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 05:15 PM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

From the same article:

"Women don’t start with divorce. They start with complaints about a lack of communication, intimacy or fulfilling sex. They make requests to go to therapy or take a relationship workshop or communication course to get support. They ask for more quality time with their mates.

But many men miss the clues that their wife is unhappy and on the verge of calling it quits. A friend of ours, Machen, shared his experience,

I didn’t realize my marriage was in trouble until my wife said, ‘You are moving out – today!!’ In retrospect, I could see that she had tried to tell me many times that she was unhappy, but I hadn’t been listening."
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-...bands-mkp-mjr/

All I'm saying is that the OP should look for proof before assuming (and reacting) as if his wife is having an affair if he wants to save his marriage.

There could be a very real reason why she's unhappy in the marriage and sees separation as the only way to get him to meet her halfway in repairing the marriage. I've seen this exact thing go down with friends in real life in the past year who were advised to separate from neglectful husbands who were unwilling to consider their needs or work to improve the marriage. Marriage requires care and no wife wants to live with a man who isn't showing that he cares for her.

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post #41 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 05:43 PM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

[QUOTE=Jessica38;17504969]From the same article:

"Women don’t start with divorce. They start with complaints about a lack of communication, intimacy or fulfilling sex. They make requests to go to therapy or take a relationship workshop or communication course to get support. They ask for more quality time with their mates.

But many men miss the clues that their wife is unhappy and on the verge of calling it quits. A friend of ours, Machen, shared his experience,

I didn’t realize my marriage was in trouble until my wife said, ‘You are moving out – today!!’ In retrospect, I could see that she had tried to tell me many times that she was unhappy, but I hadn’t been listening."
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-...bands-mkp-mjr/

All I'm saying is that the OP should look for proof before assuming (and reacting) as if his wife is having an affair if he wants to save his marriage.

There could be a very real reason why she's unhappy in the marriage and sees separation as the only way to get him to meet her halfway in repairing the marriage. I've seen this exact thing go down with friends in real life in the past year who were advised to separate from neglectful husbands who were unwilling to consider their needs or work to improve the marriage. Marriage requires care and no wife wants to live with a man who isn't showing that he cares for her.[/QUOTE

This is EXACLTY what I heard from my XWW.........the thing is...I obliged and went to marriage counseling. by the 3rd or 4th session, and my XWW not hearing what she wanted from the counselor, she accused me of bribing the counselor SHE chose and quit going.

then after the affair was made public, she begged me not to leave her. Funny how I was so horrible but afterwards wanted me back.

sorry but not buying this line of thinking from your post at all.
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post #42 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 06:13 PM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

[quote=x598;17505041]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
From the same article:

"Women don’t start with divorce. They start with complaints about a lack of communication, intimacy or fulfilling sex. They make requests to go to therapy or take a relationship workshop or communication course to get support. They ask for more quality time with their mates.

But many men miss the clues that their wife is unhappy and on the verge of calling it quits. A friend of ours, Machen, shared his experience,

I didn’t realize my marriage was in trouble until my wife said, ‘You are moving out – today!!’ In retrospect, I could see that she had tried to tell me many times that she was unhappy, but I hadn’t been listening."
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-...bands-mkp-mjr/

All I'm saying is that the OP should look for proof before assuming (and reacting) as if his wife is having an affair if he wants to save his marriage.

There could be a very real reason why she's unhappy in the marriage and sees separation as the only way to get him to meet her halfway in repairing the marriage. I've seen this exact thing go down with friends in real life in the past year who were advised to separate from neglectful husbands who were unwilling to consider their needs or work to improve the marriage. Marriage requires care and no wife wants to live with a man who isn't showing that he cares for her.[/QUOTE

This is EXACLTY what I heard from my XWW.........the thing is...I obliged and went to marriage counseling. by the 3rd or 4th session, and my XWW not hearing what she wanted from the counselor, she accused me of bribing the counselor SHE chose and quit going.

then after the affair was made public, she begged me not to leave her. Funny how I was so horrible but afterwards wanted me back.

sorry but not buying this line of thinking from your post at all.
After that experience, I can see where you're coming from. And that's why the OP needs to investigate an affair. But he doesn't have proof yet. And he sounds like he wants to save his marriage.

And I can tell you there are women out there who are unhappy in their marriages because their husbands neglect them and accuse them of complaining when they are trying to improve the marriage. A woman can't drag her husband uphill- he's got to pursue her. If he doesn't, she might have no choice but to leave until he is willing to do so. I've seen it happen. And I've also seen women who were too scared to separate seek to have their needs met elsewhere- and rewrite the history of their marriage in the process. And yes, that's wrong, immoral, hurtful, etc.

But there is a possibility she's not having an affair and is unhappy in the marriage. It absolutely happens. You don't have to "buy" it, but I still think the Stanford research is worth sharing because the OP might actually want to save his marriage and it's worth noting that women are more likely to initiate divorce while being less likely to have an affair than men.

Last edited by Jessica38; 03-10-2017 at 06:17 PM.
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post #43 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 06:14 PM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Women often leave men because they are being neglected in their marriage. True, some of these women turn towards others to meet their needs while still married, so the OP should quietly investigate if that's the case with his wife, but there is a possibility she isn't yet in an A.

I know several women who at the 20 year mark in their marriages start feeling fed up with their husband's lack of interest in them. I know one in particular who couldn't get her husband's attention (or into MC) until she told him they needed to separate. Another couldn't get her husband's attention until she started getting her own life, going out more with friends, and developed a friendship with another man. Not the recommended way of handling things for sure, but this woman had been trying to get her husband's attention for years.

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-...bands-mkp-mjr/

"They had heard for too long that they were too emotional and needy.
Their desire for affection and attention and intimacy had been missing for too long.

They had been lied to, ignored, taken for granted, yelled at and not talked to or touched, in some cases, for years.

Their requests to work together on the relationship had been declined. Their men said working on relationship was too hard and took too much time."
There's never a reason to cheat. Just leave your spouse, then. If you have to twist yourself into a pretzel to get your man to notice you...what are you gaining anyway? She'd be better off leaving, and finding someone who is actually interested in her. I don't believe you can ''teach'' someone to be interested in you, the person either is or isn't. This isn't to say jobs, kids, etc don't get in the way if intimacy, but to be neglected for years? I'd leave ...and not cheat. And don't let the bad treatment go on for years, either.

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post #44 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 06:24 PM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

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There's never a reason to cheat. Just leave your spouse, then. If you have to twist yourself into a pretzel to get your man to notice you...what are you gaining anyway? She'd be better off leaving, and finding someone who is actually interested in her. I don't believe you can ''teach'' someone to be interested in you, the person either is or isn't. This isn't to say jobs, kids, etc don't get in the way if intimacy, but to be neglected for years? I'd leave ...and not cheat. And don't let the bad treatment go on for years, either.
Agreed- there is never a reason to cheat.

Disagree that it's better to immediately divorce if your wife wants to separate because she's unhappy though, especially if you have children. Like the article points out, many women have tried repeatedly to fix the problems in their marriages to no avail- so their last resort is to separate, and basically do a 180, while giving their spouse the opportunity to work with them to fix the marriage.

It's painful to throw away 20 years of marriage...and expensive...and difficult for the children. If a spouse has cheated, then absolutely, vows have been broken and divorce seems to me the best option. But without proof, I wouldn't be so quick to throw it away.
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post #45 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:26 PM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

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Agreed- there is never a reason to cheat.

Disagree that it's better to immediately divorce if your wife wants to separate because she's unhappy though, especially if you have children. Like the article points out, many women have tried repeatedly to fix the problems in their marriages to no avail- so their last resort is to separate, and basically do a 180, while giving their spouse the opportunity to work with them to fix the marriage.

It's painful to throw away 20 years of marriage...and expensive...and difficult for the children. If a spouse has cheated, then absolutely, vows have been broken and divorce seems to me the best option. But without proof, I wouldn't be so quick to throw it away.
When I quoted you earlier it seems my comments didn't make it through. What are some specific examples of how women have repeatedly tried to fix the problems? How are they letting their husband know they feel neglected? It seems to me that it is done far too subtly many times and the woman thinks she let him know but he didn't pick up on it. Remember men and women communicate differently.
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