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post #46 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:39 PM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

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When I quoted you earlier it seems my comments didn't make it through. What are some specific examples of how women have repeatedly tried to fix the problems? How are they letting their husband know they feel neglected? It seems to me that it is done far too subtly many times and the woman thinks she let him know but he didn't pick up on it. Remember men and women communicate differently.
Good point. I've heard the argument that many men won't listen until it's (often) too late. To answer your question, here are examples from the article I linked to above and I have heard these complaints from 2 women in the last year, one who literally cannot leave her husband for financial reasons and another who did separate from her husband (no affair):

"Women don’t start with divorce. They start with complaints about a lack of communication, intimacy or fulfilling sex. They make requests to go to therapy or take a relationship workshop or communication course to get support. They ask for more quality time with their mates."

Each woman in turn said they felt powerless to affect change. They were unhappy in their relationships, and married to men who weren’t willing to work to improve their marriage.

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-...bands-mkp-mjr/

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post #47 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:50 PM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

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Agreed- there is never a reason to cheat.

Disagree that it's better to immediately divorce if your wife wants to separate because she's unhappy though, especially if you have children. Like the article points out, many women have tried repeatedly to fix the problems in their marriages to no avail- so their last resort is to separate, and basically do a 180, while giving their spouse the opportunity to work with them to fix the marriage.

It's painful to throw away 20 years of marriage...and expensive...and difficult for the children. If a spouse has cheated, then absolutely, vows have been broken and divorce seems to me the best option. But without proof, I wouldn't be so quick to throw it away.
It probably didn't take 20 years though to get there, usually people tolerate a lot of crap before finally giving up. But, if you keep struggling to find happiness with your spouse, maybe it's time to move on...I understand with kids, it's harder...but I get the sense that the mantra with many people is ...you basically have to give up your own personal happiness to stay with the father/mother of your kids, even if you're miserable. I disagree with that, and kids living in a house where mom and dad are not happy together, are always fighting, distant and tense...that can't be a good example for kids, either. So, I see what you're saying, but life isn't meant to be an endless struggle with another person.

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post #48 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:53 PM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

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It probably didn't take 20 years though to get there, usually people tolerate a lot of crap before finally giving up. But, if you keep struggling to find happiness with your spouse, maybe it's time to move on...I understand with kids, it's harder...but I get the sense that the mantra with many people is ...you basically have to give up your own personal happiness to stay with the father/mother of your kids, even if you're miserable. I disagree with that, and kids living in a house where mom and dad are not happy together, are always fighting, distant and tense...that can't be a good example for kids, either. So, I see what you're saying, but life isn't meant to be an endless struggle with another person.
So true. Maybe that's the point the OP's wife is at? If so, he might still be able to turn it around but he's going to have to do the work.
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post #49 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:57 PM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

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Good point. I've heard the argument that many men won't listen until it's (often) too late. To answer your question, here are examples from the article I linked to above and I have heard these complaints from 2 women in the last year, one who literally cannot leave her husband for financial reasons and another who did separate from her husband (no affair):

"Women donít start with divorce. They start with complaints about a lack of communication, intimacy or fulfilling sex. They make requests to go to therapy or take a relationship workshop or communication course to get support. They ask for more quality time with their mates."

Each woman in turn said they felt powerless to affect change. They were unhappy in their relationships, and married to men who werenít willing to work to improve their marriage.

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-...bands-mkp-mjr/
These aren't actual dialogue though. There is a difference between "I want us to spend more quality time together" and "I think we need to spend more quality time together. I feel we are growing apart, and we might do irreparable damage to our marriage because of it." The first one could be brushed off by many. It would be foolish to ignore the second.
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post #50 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:00 PM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

If you want to know who her boyfriend is, take the advice in Standard Evidence Post.

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #51 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:01 PM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

MWNN,

You might be surprised by how many foolish spouses are out there who do in fact brush off the second, telling their spouse that they are just complaining, looking for the negatives, forgetting the positives, don't appreciate all the other things the spouse does....or, they tell their spouse that they DO in fact spend time together- child raising, cleaning, driving to obligations, etc. No quality time, no attention, no conversation, no affection. Those spouses stop asking and start getting their own lives. And they realize they are living like roommates, because who wants to have sex with someone who doesn't even want to spend time with you outside of the bedroom?
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post #52 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:26 PM
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Your wife has fallen out of love with you a long time ago. She must have been unhappy for quite awhile only you never heard her . So she is long gone. She is now setting the stage to get out of the marriage as painless as she can. I don't think there is anything you can do at this point to change her mind.

You can discuss it all you want but her mind is made up.

A while back there was an article called " my wife divorced me because I left the dishes in the sink" or something to that effect.

You can do it her way and die a little bit at a time. Or rip the band Aid off quickly.
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post #53 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 12:16 AM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

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Good point. I've heard the argument that many men won't listen until it's (often) too late. To answer your question, here are examples from the article I linked to above and I have heard these complaints from 2 women in the last year, one who literally cannot leave her husband for financial reasons and another who did separate from her husband (no affair):

"Women donít start with divorce. They start with complaints about a lack of communication, intimacy or fulfilling sex. They make requests to go to therapy or take a relationship workshop or communication course to get support. They ask for more quality time with their mates."

Each woman in turn said they felt powerless to affect change. They were unhappy in their relationships, and married to men who werenít willing to work to improve their marriage.

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-...bands-mkp-mjr/
This may be the answer. If it was me I would show her this article ask her if this is true and ask her to give you a month to start to fix it. Then change. Kind of a last chance hail Mary. But that is about the best you got. If she isn't cheating. Some don't divorce they just cheat.
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post #54 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 01:56 AM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

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MWNN,

You might be surprised by how many foolish spouses are out there who do in fact brush off the second, telling their spouse that they are just complaining, looking for the negatives, forgetting the positives, don't appreciate all the other things the spouse does....or, they tell their spouse that they DO in fact spend time together- child raising, cleaning, driving to obligations, etc. No quality time, no attention, no conversation, no affection. Those spouses stop asking and start getting their own lives. And they realize they are living like roommates, because who wants to have sex with someone who doesn't even want to spend time with you outside of the bedroom?
Then it is on them.
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post #55 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 04:34 AM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

I think sometimes people just get bored. They don't complain to their spouses because there is really nothing to complain about. It's not always that the spouse is a jerk or the marriage is bad. Sometimes people just get sick of the safe and predictable. Some people need upset and strife in their life, so they leave.... or have affairs.

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post #56 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 05:26 AM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

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I think sometimes people just get bored. They don't complain to their spouses because there is really nothing to complain about. It's not always that the spouse is a jerk or the marriage is bad. Sometimes people just get sick of the safe and predictable. Some people need upset and strife in their life, so they leave.... or have affairs.

Your first line is way more common than people admit. I think many many times in long term relationships you just get bored of being with each other, then it becomes this big dramatic snafu about "who, what and why".

I don't necessarily agree with the last line though. I don't think most people go out looking for upset or strife in their life, I think that happens as a result of being bored and making bad decisions.
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post #57 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 05:46 AM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

Spouse: "I need time alone to figure myself out."

Me: "OK." *hands Spouse a sleeping bag, personal tent, portable stove, can of beans, bug spray, and roll of toilet paper.*

"See you when I see you."

*Goes back into nice, comfy house and locks door.*

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #58 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 07:00 AM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

The end comment of all this type of "need time stories" is I wasted ____ months/years waiting for her
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post #59 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 09:30 AM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

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This may be the answer. If it was me I would show her this article ask her if this is true and ask her to give you a month to start to fix it. Then change. Kind of a last chance hail Mary. But that is about the best you got. If she isn't cheating. Some don't divorce they just cheat.


Great advice.
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post #60 of 63 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 09:34 AM
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Re: Wife says she need time alone.

Meh, probably just another rewrite of the marital history to justify her new boyfriend.
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