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post #16 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Social Media Contact from Random People

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Does she drink alot?

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When she has a session yes, a lot, but that is not regular, it is generally when she gets wound up, usually over something she says I have done, not done kind of thing, then she will have a couple to feel better, but doesn't stop, it may be once a week, but then it has been a couple of times a week or three or four weeks in between, and in between she has no alcohol.

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post #17 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:25 AM
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Re: Social Media Contact from Random People

My 21 year old daughter receives requests from random men and it totally creeps her out. She does not respond. She has her social media accounts on private but these guys can still see her profile picture.

So, yes it's normal for random men to send requests and pictures to women on social media. These men are looking for that one low self-esteem, "please validate me", woman that craves attention. My daughter doesn't need those things but your wife does and that's not normal.
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post #18 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:29 AM
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Re: Social Media Contact from Random People

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The only thing I would say is that we live quite isolated, 15 minute drive to the local shop even and she never goes out on a night, she doesn't work so is at home all day, but I have to say she uses very little petrol to be going anywhere and there is no public transport, so there is certainly nothing frequent if at all.

As for pushing for divorce, it could be but she is always saying she is wanting to keep it all together, that could be to make me seem even more bad, I am not sure.
I can give you many ways to get around this.

1) The guy comes to your house when your are out.
2) She uses petrol but puts more back into the tank to replace it. Maybe the guy buys it.
3) They hook up when she goes out during the day into town.

I can list 20 of these. You really don't know she is home all day.
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post #19 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: Social Media Contact from Random People

My wife has never gotten any pictures from guys since the time that the internet has been graphic. I have a Facebook page but only my friends can post on it, no one else can. Your wife can set her privacy settings to block everyone but the people she approves of. I think she may be flirting a little on the internet. Both men and women like to feel that others find them sexy and attractive. After you are married for awhile you tend to take each other from granted and you need to watch out for that. Nothing like having someone else lust after your body to feed your ego.

Everyday I make my wife feel sexy. This morning I hugged her and kissed her neck while telling her how hot she makes me. She giggled like a little schoolgirl. I am always reminding her of how much I love and desire her. That is one of the reasons we are still married for 44+ years. We were not big on social media, limiting it to friends and family. I get friend requests all the time but ignore them as does my wife. She does not need an ego boost. She gets several right at home every day. Men like to look at other women and women like to flirt with men. Most times it is harmless and makes us feel good about ourselves but when it starts getting into naked pictures and suggestive posts, that is a rabbit hole you best not go down into. You can easily find yourself being drawn deeper and deeper into it by telling yourself it is harmless. Harmless until you develop feelings or lust.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #20 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: Social Media Contact from Random People

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Originally Posted by soccermom2three View Post
My 21 year old daughter receives requests from random men and it totally creeps her out. She does not respond. She has her social media accounts on private but these guys can still see her profile picture.

So, yes it's normal for random men to send requests and pictures to women on social media. These men are looking for that one low self-esteem, "please validate me", woman that craves attention. My daughter doesn't need those things but your wife does and that's not normal.
Yes, the guys are fishing. If you cast out 10 times and get one hit, that is a good success rate. (Fishing-wise)
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post #21 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 11:35 AM
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Re: Social Media Contact from Random People

Just my opinion. In the old days,before the internet,if complete strangers contacted us by mail or landline in a salacious way we would probably feel exposed and concerned,even fearful. However,because of the perceived anonymity of the internet,some people don't feel threatened at all when this occurs and may even,for whatever reason,interact. Social media is exactly that... social. Oftentimes we share info that can be there for all to see... even those who's intentions are suspect.

Also,with the number of tracking companies out there,God knows who is buying/given access to a lot of your personal information. It is,after all,basically a self-regulated industry. Just be aware and don't accept anonymity as a given on the internet.

e.g.How To: eXelate, Online Tracking, and Your Privacy ? Private WiFi

"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis
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post #22 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 12:00 PM
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Re: Social Media Contact from Random People

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Cooper, thanks I did get up to go see what it was all about, but when I got into the sitting room she had her t-shirt and shorts on, I had listened out first to see exactly what was said, when it went quiet I then headed to the room, either she hadn't stripped off or had gotten dressed again, I can not be sure, she only had on a loose t-shirt and shorts.

She does blatantly put it to me when drunk and arguing, all sorts of things, especially about one friend I do know about, saying things like he is light as a feather when he lays on me, and saying how one picture was from a guy I work with, but like I pointed out there was no face on it and it could be from anywhere, so there are suspicions.

The only thing I would say is that we live quite isolated, 15 minute drive to the local shop even and she never goes out on a night, she doesn't work so is at home all day, but I have to say she uses very little petrol to be going anywhere and there is no public transport, so there is certainly nothing frequent if at all.

As for pushing for divorce, it could be but she is always saying she is wanting to keep it all together, that could be to make me seem even more bad, I am not sure.
Those two phrases can never be said by the same person with any sincerity. She is baiting you and daring you to make a move. If she is a drunk and her inhibitions are deteriorating to the point that she is belligerently flaunting other men and her desire for other men in front of you she is on her way to self destruction. If I were you I would take protective measures right now. Get her name off any bank accounts, remove her from charge cards, whatever car she drives put it in her name and get her her own insurance. Also just to be safe you may want to get tested for STD's, she may not be using the car much but that doesn't mean men aren't coming to your house or coming to pick her up.

Maybe you two will be able to work thru this, if that's your goal then she needs to change her ways. Regardless I think you need to be proactive about protecting your assets and your health.
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post #23 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 01:46 PM
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Re: Social Media Contact from Random People

Not normal at all. She's trying to get your permission to continue talking to men online who are feeding her ego with attention. She's telling you she's chatting online with men who want to have sex with her. This sounds like an EA.
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post #24 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 05:28 PM
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Re: Social Media Contact from Random People

She's got you totally hoodwinked, dude.

Tell her she either stops with the bullpucky or you'll divorce. And then DO it.
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post #25 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:11 PM
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Re: Social Media Contact from Random People

Wow ok.

I myself have gotten the odd random message from some man "wanting to get to know me". Yeah right, whatever. I'm married, nick off. Delete. Block - after showing my husband to avoid any misunderstandings!

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post #26 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:31 PM
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Re: Social Media Contact from Random People

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She will just continue to say that what she is doing is normal and blame you.

Man up. Your wife is electronically dating guys in front of you, and rubs it in your face when she is drunk. Eventually she will hook up with one of more of them. We have warned you. What you do next is totally up to you.

And this happens a lot in the 40s. Call it a mid life crisis, or call it cheating. Outcome is the same.
This is the spot on truth. And it happened a lot to me during the gaslighting period. She would get drunk and then proceed to tell me how many men that she met or this function or that function wanted to have sex with her. One time, when I was picking her up at the airport, she was all excited about two strange guys she had met on a plane and they had invited her out to dinner, and did I mind if she went alone? When I told her of course I minded, she clammed up and then told me not to get upset as it was just a big joke and they would never contact her. That's when I learned she had given out her phone number. And guess what happened on the drive back home from the airport to our house, a 15-minute trip I might add? One of the guys called her, wanting her to go out that night.

In my wife's mind, I am to blame for her stepping out on the marriage, having an affair with a married man, nearly breaking that marriage apart and her decision to leave me for this man (who dumped her a month later). I'm as serious as a heart attack. She has somehow rationalized that I am at fault for her actions, her cheating ways, and his decision to break it off with her. To this day I can't understand how she can possibly rationalize this, but therapists who have seen this before claim this is exactly what she's done. This is why she doesn't feel guilty about it. Because, somehow, I'm to blame for it.

Wise up my friend. She either already has cheated on you (most likely) or is about to step and out and do the deed. And, in her mind, the only person to blame for her cheating ways will be you. That's the way cheaters look at life. You're somehow to blame for the decision they made to step out and have an affair and they will also blame you for the end of the marriage, if it comes to such a thing.

I'm so very sorry this has happened to you and your life. If I had a magic pill or answer that would make this all go away I'd be a zillionaire many times over. So would most of us on this forum who have gone through it. But, all we can tell you is that you're not alone. We've been through it. We've lived through what you're living through now. And I'm sorry to say that tough times are ahead in your life.

What you do next is entirely up to you.
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post #27 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:05 PM
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Re: Social Media Contact from Random People

Follow the advice in Standard Evidence Post if you want to know whether she is cheating. Odds are she either is, or is thinking about it.

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #28 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:13 PM
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Re: Social Media Contact from Random People

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Originally Posted by soccermom2three View Post
My 21 year old daughter receives requests from random men and it totally creeps her out. She does not respond. She has her social media accounts on private but these guys can still see her profile picture.

So, yes it's normal for random men to send requests and pictures to women on social media. These men are looking for that one low self-esteem, "please validate me", woman that craves attention. My daughter doesn't need those things but your wife does and that's not normal.
This.

OP, your wife seems to be lacking self esteem and needs to find it elsewhere, of course blaming you for this. It's her choice to do this, but my advice would be to see if she'd be open to counseling, and if not...you have a different choice to make because it's at the very least disrespectful to you and the marriage, and at the worst...an affair waiting to happen.

Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. ~ Unknown
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post #29 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 11:09 PM
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Hi! I just want to share my perspective.

Your wife is fooling you. It's not how people communicate these days. She's clearly trying to make you feel like **** because she doesn't feel good about herself. She seems to have low self esteem and requires validation from strangers.

One Facebook, if a random person messages you, it automatically goes to a different folder...you'd have to manually look for that other folder to see these messages. FB does a very good job as filtering spam. I only use FB to keep in touch with friends and family, but I do receive a lot or random requests and messages. These messages often ask if we can be friends, include compliments, or something friendly and nice. I just ignore them and sometimes don't even realize they're there for years..because filters are pretty good. Never once have I ever received a photo straight off the bat. So what I'm trying to say is, in order for your wife to receive these photos, she's looking for them, engaging in flirty, possibly sexual conversations with these strangers and is exchanging photos with them.

As if she is not already so openly letting you know she's cheating online...What's up with that comment about your friend feeling as light as a feather on top of her?!? Red flag.

You can't access her phone because you don't have her pw? Red flag.

Talking about getting naked to video chat with another man? Whoa blaring red megahorn!

For some reason, I just highly doubt that your wife is truly an attractive person. Drinking and smoking as as much as she does, poor eating habits, malnourished...sorry, doesn't sound all that appealing/desirable to me...on top of her abusive behavior on you. To me, she just sounds sick and must not look healthy at all.

Why do you put up with this apparent disrespect?

Now this may come off as judgmental but your wife sounds like she's spiraling outta control. Smoking and drinking way too much to be healthy. She has emotional issues and needs help.

You also need help. It says so much about you as a man that you'd let her say and do all these things in your face without consequence. She walks all over you. Don't take her abuse.
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post #30 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 11:50 PM
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Re: Social Media Contact from Random People

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namely when drunk and angry, she tells me she has online friends she regularly talks to. The other thing to add here is that she is always taking and tweaking photos of herself, often in lingerie and in fact has them as her wallpaper on her phone which I have told her I find very odd, looking at yourself that way, but she says it is what makes her feel good about herself.

She has shown me pictures of younger fit guys that apparently have sent her photos, and she is telling me it is quite normal in this day and age, this is how people communicate, that it is common, and on top of that justifies it with things like saying they have good bodies and want to show them off, why shouldn't they?
Yes, this happens and it is normal.......on specific sites where a married person or someone in a serious relationship shouldn't visit. Sorry, dude she is at the least fishing for attention.

Quote:
One Facebook, if a random person messages you, it automatically goes to a different folder...you'd have to manually look for that other folder to see these messages. FB does a very good job as filtering spam.
To be fair, you have to adjust your settings to be this strong which she should have done long ago.. I completely agree with the rest.
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