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post #16 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 03:53 PM
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Re: No need for physical contact?

In a couple weeks we're spending 5 days in Washington DC without children (renew wife's passport can only be done in person at their expletive deleted embassy).

I'm making the travel arrangements and what do you know, wifey requested a room with two beds 😁.

It's mind boggling to what levels someone will bury their head in the sand.

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post #17 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 04:15 PM
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Re: No need for physical contact?

NapsterNova,

No one can help you - without your active participation in this thread. So I will lock the thread tomorrow morning absent further posts from you.

After that - if you wish to carry on with this topic - either PM me - or create a new thread titled: request to have my earlier thread unlocked



Quote:
Originally Posted by napsternova View Post
My wife has made it clear that she doesn't need or want sex anymore. Not even physical touch, I don't understand it. I'm very giving and patient, soft, gentle, firm whatever...but she can't even tell me what feels good and she literally just lays there without a moan or word. We've been married 18 years and the last 4 have been awful in the bedroom. I'm feeling such a heavy depression because I feel like the ugliest guy in the world. We split up house work, both have good jobs, a house and wonderful children. I've told her so many times how I feel, even come right out and have said "I need you, today, maybe tonight after kids go to bed"? She always seems to dodge me. Everyone says affair but I really have no way of knowing. I don't know what the hell to do.
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post #18 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 12:27 PM Thread Starter
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Well, what does she say when you ask her what's going on?
she says that with the kids, work, chores, she has nothing left to give. She goes out with friends often and I pull double duty with the kids and chores.
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post #19 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 12:32 PM Thread Starter
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Was she into sex earlier in the marriage, or has she always been sort of "blah" about it?
she was always shy and taught that sex was dirty. We were young when we fell for eachother and she was a virgin. We had some truly fantastic sex though. We would sneak out to motels and have marathons litterally until she would get dehydrated from cumming so many times.
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post #20 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 12:34 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
All women want to be wanted, but the more you actually want them, the less they want it with you.

So then, how does one make a woman want it? One thing is for sure, as a man you can NOT be needy. Start with that...

Badsanta
this one I don't get. I don't beg but rather show her in other ways like breakfast in bed or take the kids out someplace for her to chill. I'm not groveling at her feet.
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post #21 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 12:37 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by napsternova View Post
My wife has made it clear that she doesn't need or want sex anymore. Not even physical touch, I don't understand it. I'm very giving and patient, soft, gentle, firm whatever...but she can't even tell me what feels good and she literally just lays there without a moan or word. We've been married 18 years and the last 4 have been awful in the bedroom. I'm feeling such a heavy depression because I feel like the ugliest guy in the world. We split up house work, both have good jobs, a house and wonderful children. I've told her so many times how I feel, even come right out and have said "I need you, today, maybe tonight after kids go to bed"? She always seems to dodge me. Everyone says affair but I really have no way of knowing. I don't know what the hell to do.
Wife's age?
How does your wife treat you in other way?
we are both 40. I'm snipped and she has a ring so no more kids here. She's super critical of me eventhough I bust my ass trying to balance work, home, kids. It's like, all the work would totally be worth it if we could just get it on once in a while.
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post #22 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 12:51 PM
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Re: No need for physical contact?

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Originally Posted by napsternova View Post
she says that with the kids, work, chores, she has nothing left to give. She goes out with friends often and I pull double duty with the kids and chores.
I was leaning away from extramarital activity until I read this. She has no energy for sex and yet she has sufficient energy to get dressed and leave the house while you are babysitting and you do not see this as problematic? I think it would be in your best interest to verify which "friends" she is going out with and what venues they are frequenting.

Peace and long life
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post #23 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 01:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: No need for physical contact?

LOL, I have been corrected once before for calling watching you kids "babysitting" She has stated that she needs to get out once in a while so I figured it's no problem. Yeah it's tough keeping twin 4yr olds and a 7yr old occupied and put to bed but again figured hey, it's the least I can do. I don't go out much anymore, I am actually too tired after work but still take care of household business.
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post #24 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 01:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: No need for physical contact?

Then she goes on and on, "I hate my body, blah, blah, blah" I tell her all the time how good looking she is. She wears those leggings that drive my f'ing crazy cause they are so hot. I tell her what she does to me looking that good but I swear she could care less. Man, I don't want to divorce, I really don't but I need to change something to get her to love me again. I fix up the house whenever needed, build furniture if we cannot afford new stuff, I just refinished our kids dressers and nightstands. It sucks cause I'm also a Type 1 Diabetic and suffer from Idiopathic Hypersomnia (severe daytime sleepiness that I take meds for) and I just want to have fun with my wife. wft
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post #25 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 01:22 PM
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Re: No need for physical contact?

Sounds to me like your wife doesn't want to have sex with you because she's not in love with you. How much time do you two spend together? Do you date her, talk to her, meet her other needs? Women usually need conversation and quality time with their spouse to feel like having sex. Men usually need sex and recreational companionship to feel like having conversation, showing interest, etc. Sounds like you work hard to provide for her. That's probably need number 1 for her. But maybe take a look at her other needs and talk to her- tell her you want to make her happy, ask what she needs. And let her know that you're unhappy because you need to have sex with her. Give it 3 weeks of need-meeting, and see if she's able to meet your needs. If not, let her know that this is not going to work for you. Ask her if it could be hormone related. If so, there are treatments she can look into, but let her know that it needs to be a priority for the sake of your marriage. Bio-identical hormones can greatly increase a woman's sex drive if it's related to menopause, and it could very well be the reason (unless you're not spending time dating her and just trying to get her to have sex with you).

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post #26 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 01:23 PM
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Re: No need for physical contact?

Sounds like another case of the OP being too much of a nice guy and expecting to get different results by just doing more. Have you read the No More Mr. Nice Guy text OP? What about practicing the 180? What about His Needs Her Needs? Do you know her love languages?
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post #27 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 01:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: No need for physical contact?

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Originally Posted by Keke24 View Post
Sounds like another case of the OP being too much of a nice guy and expecting to get different results by just doing more. Have you read the No More Mr. Nice Guy text OP? What about practicing the 180? What about His Needs Her Needs? Do you know her love languages?
Yes, I have read about the love languages and hers are; Words of Affirmation (I listen to here when she wants to tell me about her day or wants an opinion. I show genuine interest), Quality Time (not so much as we are always mad at each other), and Acts of Service (take over more chores, take kids to the show, watch them on weekend nights so she can go out. I certainly have). She is involved in a work from home side business as well so I do everything I can to keep the kid at bay.

I'm sounding pretty perfect but am far from it but I am really trying to be everything she wants/needs. I just wish I could figure it out. We see a marriage therapist and she gets pissed anytime they "side" with me. Sooner or later she going to sleep with someone else, the writings on the wall.
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post #28 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 01:37 PM
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Re: No need for physical contact?

Quote:
Originally Posted by NoChoice View Post
I was leaning away from extramarital activity until I read this. She has no energy for sex and yet she has sufficient energy to get dressed and leave the house while you are babysitting and you do not see this as problematic? I think it would be in your best interest to verify which "friends" she is going out with and what venues they are frequenting.
Eh, maybe. He should certainly verify, but the energy issue isn't necessarily a thing.

People have time and energy for things they want and prioritize.....just like when people say they don't have time or energy to exercise it's usually because it isn't a priority to them.

Sex with him isn't something she wants or prioritizes.

Why that's the case is another matter.
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post #29 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 01:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: No need for physical contact?

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Sounds to me like your wife doesn't want to have sex with you because she's not in love with you. How much time do you two spend together? Do you date her, talk to her, meet her other needs? Women usually need conversation and quality time with their spouse to feel like having sex. Men usually need sex and recreational companionship to feel like having conversation, showing interest, etc. Sounds like you work hard to provide for her. That's probably need number 1 for her. But maybe take a look at her other needs and talk to her- tell her you want to make her happy, ask what she needs. And let her know that you're unhappy because you need to have sex with her. Give it 3 weeks of need-meeting, and see if she's able to meet your needs. If not, let her know that this is not going to work for you. Ask her if it could be hormone related. If so, there are treatments she can look into, but let her know that it needs to be a priority for the sake of your marriage. Bio-identical hormones can greatly increase a woman's sex drive if it's related to menopause, and it could very well be the reason (unless you're not spending time dating her and just trying to get her to have sex with you).
We both have decent careers, she actually makes more and has better hours. Home at 3:30, summers off, etc. Her hormones are supposedly normal according to her bloodwork. If she allows herself to be loved she can get really turned on by me. She doesn't do it herself, from what she's said.
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post #30 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 01:52 PM
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Re: No need for physical contact?

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Originally Posted by napsternova View Post
We both have decent careers, she actually makes more and has better hours. Home at 3:30, summers off, etc. Her hormones are supposedly normal according to her bloodwork. If she allows herself to be loved she can get really turned on by me. She doesn't do it herself, from what she's said.
How much quality time do you two get without the kids? And does she go from work to pick up the kids and manage all of their afterschool stuff (homework, snacks, driving to practices, packing lunches, etc.)? Do you two go on dates? Do you talk 1:1 with her?

For many women, feeling turned on really starts outside the bedroom.
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