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post #76 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:20 AM
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Re: No need for physical contact?

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It really does seem that way. She isn't doing or trying to improve the relationship. I have improved my behavior, compliments, asking to help, trying to woo her with breakfast in bed and taking the kids out, etc... I pay her compliments and show enthusiasm with her accomplishments. I tell her, come on babe let's have some fun while we can, we are both 40, I'm Type 1 diabetic and don't have ED, yet. I seriously wish my sex drive would just go way. I mean wtf?
So you are rewarding her for treating you poorly. She is getting no consequences. And until you make it clear that this is a do or die situation, she will maintain the status quo. Let her know its..counseling...effort...improvement, or divorce.


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post #77 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:45 AM
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Re: No need for physical contact?

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So you are rewarding her for treating you poorly. She is getting no consequences. And until you make it clear that this is a do or die situation, she will maintain the status quo. Let her know its..counseling...effort...improvement, or divorce.
Yes, you need to have a "Come to Jesus" conversation with your wife. And you need to be prepared to back it up with actual consequences and file when she doesn't take any action to make improvements.

Sorry that you're here, friend. It's a hard place to be, but things will get better.

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post #78 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:02 PM
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Re: No need for physical contact?

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It really does seem that way. She isn't doing or trying to improve the relationship. I have improved my behavior, compliments, asking to help, trying to woo her with breakfast in bed and taking the kids out, etc... I pay her compliments and show enthusiasm with her accomplishments. I tell her, come on babe let's have some fun while we can, we are both 40, I'm Type 1 diabetic and don't have ED, yet. I seriously wish my sex drive would just go way. I mean wtf?
Well, you've stepped up your game, which you needed to do to prove that it wasn't on you.

Now it's time to do the 180.

Have a conversation with her where you point out that, as she doesn't prioritize your needs, you will no longer prioritize hers.

Let her know that this will undoubtedly result in the end of your marriage at some point in the future. Let her know that, while you have no intention of looking to be involved with other women, you will certainly be more vulnerable if the situation should arise. Let her know that you will probably be looking to end the marriage when the kids are grown if not sooner. Only do things for her that you would do for anyone. Get a life that someone else might want to be a part of.

Stop initiating sex, consider refusing when she initiates on her terms (who wants a sex life that is completely controlled by the other person?).

Focus on yourself and being a father. Become a better person, someone who will have an easy time attracting quality women when the time comes.
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post #79 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:03 PM
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Re: No need for physical contact?

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Everyone says affair but I really have no way of knowing.
Affair.

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I don't know what the hell to do.
Divorce.

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post #80 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: No need for physical contact?

One night a couple weeks ago I was in the garage painting some furniture items (I refinished all the dressers and nightstands in my kids rooms), buzzing on Apple Pie but pizzed about something and she comes in and asks if I wanted to go to bed. I said "not now hon I'm busy." Great idea I had, since then she hasn't asked at all. I mean how the hell? She flat out turns me down all the time which really kills the male ego, I give it back once in 20yrs just to show her how it feels and "poof"? I sure created a mess of a life for myself.

I'm not going to the divorce route. I'm pretty much decided on that. Unfortunately it doesn't give me a very strong hand. Sorry everyone, I really do appreciate all your help. I just don't have the fight in me anymore. There's got to be another way.
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post #81 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:11 PM
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Re: No need for physical contact?

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One night a couple weeks ago I was in the garage painting some furniture items (I refinished all the dressers and nightstands in my kids rooms), buzzing on Apple Pie but pizzed about something and she comes in and asks if I wanted to go to bed. I said "not now hon I'm busy." Great idea I had, since then she hasn't asked at all. I mean how the hell? She flat out turns me down all the time which really kills the male ego, I give it back once in 20yrs just to show her how it feels and "poof"? I sure created a mess of a life for myself.

I'm not going to the divorce route. I'm pretty much decided on that. Unfortunately it doesn't give me a very strong hand. Sorry everyone, I really do appreciate all your help. I just don't have the fight in me anymore. There's got to be another way.
Just bear in mind that you deciding not to divorce her doesn't mean you won't get divorced. She can divorce you.

I think if you want to stay married you better get some of that fight back in you and fight to recover.

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Your marriage reminds me of a guy dragging a dead whale across the beach.
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post #82 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: No need for physical contact?

I would actually be fine if she divorced me. I would at least be able to look at myself in the mirror. There's just no ***ing way I could look at my kids knowing how much I've hurt them. I'm not much of a quitter and I don't want to throw away what we have. We are a good team when we need to be. I think some individual counseling might help her figure out what's important. Yep typical floor mat here. But I haven't been the ideal husband the whole marriage either soooo... lol It's complicated.
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post #83 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:31 PM
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Re: No need for physical contact?

Stolen from @MEM2020


I will tell you what I told my wife of 25+ years (we have been together almost 28) early in our marriage.

My knee jerk reaction is to put you and your desires first. That's just a hard wired response. If you can't do the same for me in this one area of our marriage - we probably shouldn't be together. And no - that doesn't mean sex on demand.

What it does mean is this. If you are calculating the bare minimum you can do for me, and have the marriage survive, that isn't about me, that's about you. It isn't love, it's self preservation. And if that's where we are, we shouldn't be together.

Love this!
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post #84 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 05:39 PM
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Re: No need for physical contact?

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Well. it seems as if we've reached the end of the road. I'm not stupid but I guess a was hopeful things would be able to be resolved by putting in the extra effort but it makes no difference what I do or say. We sat down and talked about how I really want to feel good with each other and how life is crappy sometimes but our bond makes it worth while. But the feelings aren't mutual, I am disposable. She can find 1,000 guys tomorrow and I will be left to my own isolation. I don't know what to do. I'm scared ****less about "quitting" on my kids. My twins are only 4 and my daughter is just 7 (I just took her to our first ever daddy/daughter dance). I can't live with this turmoil. I am seriously ****ed up about this.
Can you give the specifics of your conversation with your wife? You seem very vague, at least here, about what your conversations entail, and you were going to bring the topic up in marriage counseling, but you never reported back on that.

Communication is vital.
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post #85 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 05:54 PM
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Re: No need for physical contact?

Napster,

You have no chance of changing this broken dynamic - taking this approach. A man starts out with his contribution to the state of his marriage. He doesn't hint at it a dozen posts into his thread.


Quote:
Originally Posted by napsternova View Post
I would actually be fine if she divorced me. I would at least be able to look at myself in the mirror. There's just no ***ing way I could look at my kids knowing how much I've hurt them. I'm not much of a quitter and I don't want to throw away what we have. We are a good team when we need to be. I think some individual counseling might help her figure out what's important. Yep typical floor mat here. But I haven't been the ideal husband the whole marriage either soooo... lol It's complicated.


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post #86 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 07:14 PM
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Re: No need for physical contact?

Maybe this is just me, but I talk a whole heck of a lot about sex and every other aspect of my relationship with my S.O.

I can't fathom my sex life fading away and my not bringing it up in great detail with my significant other, to solve the issue, bring it to light, etc. You are extremely vague in your references to your convos on this topic with your wife, and it seems you did not bring it up in the counseling session as you said you would. On top of that, it seems you are very eager to cut and run from the whole relationship.

Things aren't adding up.
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post #87 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:48 PM
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Re: No need for physical contact?

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Originally Posted by napsternova View Post

I'm not going to the divorce route. I'm pretty much decided on that. Unfortunately it doesn't give me a very strong hand. Sorry everyone, I really do appreciate all your help. I just don't have the fight in me anymore. There's got to be another way.
Well then, I hope you are prepared to be unhappy, because as long as she knows you are staying put to be her doormat, she will NOT change. Why should she?? She gets to do things her way with no consideration of you because YOU arent going anywhere. You totally diminish your worth this way.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #88 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:08 PM
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Re: No need for physical contact?

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Maybe this is just me, but I talk a whole heck of a lot about sex and every other aspect of my relationship with my S.O.

I can't fathom my sex life fading away and my not bringing it up in great detail with my significant other, to solve the issue, bring it to light, etc. You are extremely vague in your references to your convos on this topic with your wife, and it seems you did not bring it up in the counseling session as you said you would. On top of that, it seems you are very eager to cut and run from the whole relationship.

Things aren't adding up.
Sex life doesn't "fade away" overnight. Not if they're reasonably intelligent 😁
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post #89 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:13 PM
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Re: No need for physical contact?

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Sex life doesn't "fade away" overnight. Not if they're reasonably intelligent 😁
Duly noted. I just can't imagine not talking about the whole issue, but I guess I'm somewhat unusual in that aspect, unfortunately. I imagined that everybody talked with their spouses about stuff. I'm starting to see that I'm a real oddity!
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post #90 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:18 PM
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Re: No need for physical contact?

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Duly noted. I just can't imagine not talking about the whole issue, but I guess I'm somewhat unusual in that aspect, unfortunately. I imagined that everybody talked with their spouses about stuff. I'm starting to see that I'm a real oddity!
Talking about it requires both spouses to be open to talking about it. My XH was so... repressed? I don't know what it was, but he would NOT talk about sex. He couldn't even say the names of body parts without using stupid Victorian-esque euphemisms. And he refused to talk about the actual act of sex, and the fact that we weren't having enough of it. I tried to talk about it with him numerous times, and I never got anywhere with him, meanwhile our sex life grew worse. He knew it was bad, and he refused to do anything.

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