am i wrong - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 14Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 01:25 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Hope Shimmers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: US
Posts: 456
Re: am i wrong

What I'm wondering is why you married this guy in the first place. He was already disrespecting you well before the wedding.

Also, I just don't get this notion of why people who are in debt seem to think they should spend money on a wedding. You can get married at a justice of the peace for next to nothing. The concept that your husband said, before the wedding, that because of the wedding cost she had to stay and you didn't insist that the money be directed to getting rid of this woman and finding good child care... just makes me shake my head.

But water under the bridge now. Of course he is lying to you and manipulating you and sleeping with this woman, and in the long run your daughter is going to suffer for it. So it's time for you to get rid of him.


Don't let people become a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs.
Hope Shimmers is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 01:27 PM
Member
 
CuddleBug's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,730
Re: am i wrong

Quote:
Originally Posted by hummingangel View Post
Hi, first a warning - this is a little long.
So here is the situation. I moved in with my fiancé last year. We have a child together and because of our rotating weird schedules, we needed someone to watch her overnights and at weird hours. So he brought in a friend (female) to help out. At the interview I specifically asked how do you know my fiancé and she said they were friends. Ok well after living there a few months I find out that they actually used to sleep together. then I find text messages they were sending to each other saying stuff like meet me downstairs, I want to suck you ****, etc. while I was at work. So I confront them and tell him I want her out. He says the text messages were a fake, he told her to send them because he said I like to snoop in his phone so that would teach me a lesson. Then he said that they slept together a long time ago before we got together and that they didn’t tell me because they knew I would be angry. Well now I am furious because they lied to me and I don’t believe the text message story. But I forgive my fiancé and say we need to work on our relationship. However I want her (the nanny) out. so he was like well we can’t afford to hire someone and we don’t have any family around to help out, so after the wedding we can because then we won’t be spending money on the wedding. So I said ok.
Well it has been 5 months after the wedding and she is still in my house. Every time I bring up getting someone else it’s we don’t have the money. Also I don’t speak to her at all. Since she watches my child I would text her about my child or leave notes but now nothing. I don’t want to have any more communication with her, I just want her out of my house. Last month finally came to a head, I lost it. She wanted to talk because she said the tension was too much in the house. So I said fine we can talk like adults. I told her I don’t like her and I never would. They lied to me and she still says she never messed with him. the conversation was going ok until she said that she raises my child more than I do and maybe if I actually cleaned and cooked (like she thinks she does) then he would actually want me and not mess with others. I snapped, I screamed at her and told her she has to leave. Then I told him but he still wouldn’t back me. He says I’m being petty and childish because I don’t communicate with her since she is watching our child. He then says if I want someone else to watch her I need to come up with a solution. So I spend all my time putting out ads, interviewing people and find someone who can watch her on our weird hours. Yes it costs money but I figured we can work something out. Well I tell him and he shuts it down saying we don’t have that money, we need to concentrate on paying our debt and then we can hire someone. So I’m upset, I’m ready for her to be out of my house. So today he says he is tired of me because I went to work without telling her that my child is being picked up by mother today. I actually did put it on the calendar which is on the fridge for her, but because I didn’t actually tell her he says I’m being petty and childish and not thinking of my daughter. I’m tired of this. I feel like I shouldn’t be in this situation but then I told my friend and she was like you have to be an adult and think of your child. He says I’m being selfish and now I feel like I’m in the wrong. Please help.

This is not hubby material.

He shouldn't of known this other woman at all when hiring her. Instead, he knew her, slept with her, now they're sending sexts to each other and he defends this by saying, I did this because you snoop on my cell???

Sounds like he wants to have 2 woman for sex....

If your hubby to be truly loved you, he wouldn't of hired this woman in the first place. Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too.

Sorry, but this guy is a scum bag.

You're not in the wrong. You are 100% correct.

Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.
CuddleBug is offline  
post #18 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 01:31 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 4
Re: am i wrong

Thank you everyone for giving advice. I really dont think they are doing anything because they are no longer in the house at night by themselves and I honestly think he is not messing with her. However I do feel that he doesn't care about my feelings in this at all. He doesnt even want to understand it, when I asked why he lied to me in the first place and invited her he said he thought i would be upset. i was like im more upset that you lied and he said i thought u would get over it by now. No, i will never get over having her in my house. yet he doesn't understand he says i should suck it up until we can afford a nanny/babysitter. O in regards to paying her, its room/board in exchange for childcare so we dont pay her. If we actually hired someone we would have to pay her and we dont have the money right now. Im so tired of him saying its me, that the tension in the house is my fault, that it would work if i jsut changed. the reason i asked this was because he kept saying that everyone would say i was childish and tell me to get over it. i have only told my sister and she is on my side but thats my sister, i needed to hear unbiased opinion. i really want our marriage to work, i just want her to leave. i even suggested counseling but he said no, if we need counseling only after 5 months then we dont need to be married. I guess i just dont want to give up on our marriage.
hummingangel is offline  
 
post #19 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 01:36 PM
Member
 
CuddleBug's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,730
Re: am i wrong

Quote:
Originally Posted by hummingangel View Post
Thank you everyone for giving advice. I really dont think they are doing anything because they are no longer in the house at night by themselves and I honestly think he is not messing with her. However I do feel that he doesn't care about my feelings in this at all. He doesnt even want to understand it, when I asked why he lied to me in the first place and invited her he said he thought i would be upset. i was like im more upset that you lied and he said i thought u would get over it by now. No, i will never get over having her in my house. yet he doesn't understand he says i should suck it up until we can afford a nanny/babysitter. O in regards to paying her, its room/board in exchange for childcare so we dont pay her. If we actually hired someone we would have to pay her and we dont have the money right now. Im so tired of him saying its me, that the tension in the house is my fault, that it would work if i jsut changed. the reason i asked this was because he kept saying that everyone would say i was childish and tell me to get over it. i have only told my sister and she is on my side but thats my sister, i needed to hear unbiased opinion. i really want our marriage to work, i just want her to leave. i even suggested counseling but he said no, if we need counseling only after 5 months then we dont need to be married. I guess i just dont want to give up on our marriage.


If they want to have sex, they know how to meet to do this. Blank their cell phones, so if you look, no history or texts. Easy to do.

They could meet for quickies all the time. You'd never know, unless one day, you walk in on them.

I would ignore this other woman completely.

Your hubby to be is a bad man for hiring her in the first place. Just unacceptable.

Tell him, if you mess around, I will divorce you and take you for everything you got!!!

If they've slept together before, sexts, they will do it again.

Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.
CuddleBug is offline  
post #20 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:01 PM
Member
 
Keke24's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Caribbean
Posts: 350
Re: am i wrong

She sends sexual messages, you find out. He says they were faked to '"teach you a lesson". She tells you if you were more involved he wouldn't want to mess with others.

And your response is that there's nothing going on???????

You can't seriously be this gullible. Wow, just wow. You think getting rid of the girl is the answer?

You can't tell when your husband is lying? I don't know what's worse, you not having a better idea of what's going on in your relationship after so long or your husband being a lying, manipulative cheater.

Last edited by Keke24; 03-11-2017 at 07:42 PM. Reason: Removed 16 years
Keke24 is online now  
post #21 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:35 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 16
Re: am i wrong

Quote:
Originally Posted by hummingangel View Post
Thank you everyone for giving advice. I really dont think they are doing anything because they are no longer in the house at night by themselves and I honestly think he is not messing with her. However I do feel that he doesn't care about my feelings in this at all. He doesnt even want to understand it, when I asked why he lied to me in the first place and invited her he said he thought i would be upset. i was like im more upset that you lied and he said i thought u would get over it by now. No, i will never get over having her in my house. yet he doesn't understand he says i should suck it up until we can afford a nanny/babysitter. O in regards to paying her, its room/board in exchange for childcare so we dont pay her. If we actually hired someone we would have to pay her and we dont have the money right now. Im so tired of him saying its me, that the tension in the house is my fault, that it would work if i jsut changed. the reason i asked this was because he kept saying that everyone would say i was childish and tell me to get over it. i have only told my sister and she is on my side but thats my sister, i needed to hear unbiased opinion. i really want our marriage to work, i just want her to leave. i even suggested counseling but he said no, if we need counseling only after 5 months then we dont need to be married. I guess i just dont want to give up on our marriage.
You are on denial and cant think straight. Who say that people only have sex at night?

This is not healthy for any relationship. Ask him if you invite your ex to live in your house?
bbad is offline  
post #22 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:39 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 4
Re: am i wrong

first off, i dont know where you got 16 years. it hasnt been 16 years. 2nd im not being gullible, i dont believe him about the "teaching me a lesson" i said that. I believe that he wont do it again because i threatened to leave. a few people do actually stay faithful after an affair, i know a few who he cheated and she found out threatened to leave with child support and they worked it out after he said he would never do it again. In this case, i want to believe my husband is telling me the truth that he actually is not doing anything.
hummingangel is offline  
post #23 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:55 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 31,459
Re: am i wrong

Quote:
Originally Posted by hummingangel View Post
MJJEAN, No i havent known for months. I found out in Feb and confronted them. he said they didnt have an affair it was just a joke teaching me a lesson. He has consistenly denied having an affair with her.
You know that they are having an affair. The text message proves it. His siding with her against you proves it. But I think that you need more proof for yourself because you seem to lack self confidence in what you know.

My suggestion is that you get some VARs (voice activated recorders) or spy video cameras and put them in the rooms where you think that they are carrying on. Hide them well.

Then you will have solid evidence.

I do however caution you that if you do this, that you do not tell either of them. And that once you get recordings of them talking about their affair and having sex, that you do not confront them immediately. Instead you store a copy of the recordings where they cannot get them. And you come here to talk about what you have on the recordings. That way we can help you develop a plan of action.

Also, please see a lawyer ASAP about how to get this woman out of your home. I think you also need to start planning for a divorce because your husband needs to go too.
EleGirl is offline  
post #24 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 03:35 PM
Member
 
Red Sonja's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 673
Re: am i wrong

I have a slightly different take on this. The answer to your question “am I wrong?” is YES, full stop. Why, you ask? Because you allowed this situation to continue.

You married him AFTER you knew about all this. What you should have done is throw them both out OR move out with your child and, call off the wedding.

Because you respected yourself so little, by not demanding better treatment and marrying him anyway, you now have a situation where your husband and the nanny/GF have no respect for you either. They both think they can do and say anything and, you won’t do anything about it.

Ask yourself honestly, why did you want to get married so badly that you would overlook this heinous behavior? Why do you want to be with a man who feels he needs to "teach you a lesson"? (sorry but that explanation of his doesn't pass the smell test) Please don’t say that you love him or that he loves you because his behavior is not loving and, your behavior is not indicative of someone who loves themselves.

You can remedy this situation, you just need to find the courage to see a lawyer, dump both of these scoundrels and protect your child.
Red Sonja is offline  
post #25 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 03:56 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,009
Re: am i wrong

The "nanny" is not really the problem. Your husband is the problem.

We are saying you are naive because you are still there. And so is she. And your husband thinks you should suck it up.

Even if you believe there is nothing going on between them (naive), there is still the whole thing about your husband saying that YOU are the problem. If a spouse has a problem, especially in the house, then it is BOTH spouses problem and it needs to be worked on.

There is no point in marriage counseling while she still lives there.

And your H has it made. Why would he want to change anything? Perfect scenario for him. So YOU have to make a change. It's all you can do.

Your mom is close enough to pick up the baby....why not take the baby and go stay with her for awhile? Either your husband will wake up and listen (I don't think so, I think he is a **** that doesn't know what love and marriage is.) or he will take up with her and call you crazy. Either way...YOU will have made a change.

Bottom line, YOU are the only one who can change your life. You have two choices...change it, or allow it to stay the same.

SunnyT is offline  
post #26 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 05:22 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1,456
Re: am i wrong

Just checking in for an update.

Has the video of him dressed like a clown surfaced yet?
browser is offline  
post #27 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 05:37 PM
Member
 
Blondilocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: SoCal
Posts: 3,677
Re: am i wrong

You don't like being the odd person out in your own marriage and your own home. That's exactly what you are! He and his girlfriend are playing happy family and you're bringing in a paycheck to help support them.

You can either leave with your daughter or continue to tolerate their crappy behavior. The 'teaching you a lesson' excuse is so lame, I'd divorce him just for being so ****ing stupid. Now, you know how he is going to prioritize you in the future. The garbage collector will get more consideration.
Blondilocks is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A new competition of sorts. Mangled quotes MattMatt The Social Spot 3 02-15-2017 08:48 PM
Wife Cheated Again - Am I wrong to feel this way? FrightHusband Coping with Infidelity 48 01-18-2016 05:38 PM
Am I wrong? KennedyAnne1622 Considering Divorce or Separation 8 12-03-2015 01:57 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome