am i wrong - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 09:16 AM Thread Starter
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am i wrong

Hi, first a warning - this is a little long.
So here is the situation. I moved in with my fiancť last year. We have a child together and because of our rotating weird schedules, we needed someone to watch her overnights and at weird hours. So he brought in a friend (female) to help out. At the interview I specifically asked how do you know my fiancť and she said they were friends. Ok well after living there a few months I find out that they actually used to sleep together. then I find text messages they were sending to each other saying stuff like meet me downstairs, I want to suck you ****, etc. while I was at work. So I confront them and tell him I want her out. He says the text messages were a fake, he told her to send them because he said I like to snoop in his phone so that would teach me a lesson. Then he said that they slept together a long time ago before we got together and that they didnít tell me because they knew I would be angry. Well now I am furious because they lied to me and I donít believe the text message story. But I forgive my fiancť and say we need to work on our relationship. However I want her (the nanny) out. so he was like well we canít afford to hire someone and we donít have any family around to help out, so after the wedding we can because then we wonít be spending money on the wedding. So I said ok.
Well it has been 5 months after the wedding and she is still in my house. Every time I bring up getting someone else itís we donít have the money. Also I donít speak to her at all. Since she watches my child I would text her about my child or leave notes but now nothing. I donít want to have any more communication with her, I just want her out of my house. Last month finally came to a head, I lost it. She wanted to talk because she said the tension was too much in the house. So I said fine we can talk like adults. I told her I donít like her and I never would. They lied to me and she still says she never messed with him. the conversation was going ok until she said that she raises my child more than I do and maybe if I actually cleaned and cooked (like she thinks she does) then he would actually want me and not mess with others. I snapped, I screamed at her and told her she has to leave. Then I told him but he still wouldnít back me. He says Iím being petty and childish because I donít communicate with her since she is watching our child. He then says if I want someone else to watch her I need to come up with a solution. So I spend all my time putting out ads, interviewing people and find someone who can watch her on our weird hours. Yes it costs money but I figured we can work something out. Well I tell him and he shuts it down saying we donít have that money, we need to concentrate on paying our debt and then we can hire someone. So Iím upset, Iím ready for her to be out of my house. So today he says he is tired of me because I went to work without telling her that my child is being picked up by mother today. I actually did put it on the calendar which is on the fridge for her, but because I didnít actually tell her he says Iím being petty and childish and not thinking of my daughter. Iím tired of this. I feel like I shouldnít be in this situation but then I told my friend and she was like you have to be an adult and think of your child. He says Iím being selfish and now I feel like Iím in the wrong. Please help.

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post #2 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 09:56 AM
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Re: am i wrong

You really do need to talk to her if she is caring for your child.
He should have backed you up. I would bet my paycheck that they are having sex behind your back and that's why he didn't side with you.
You have the right to be comfortable in your home and he should want that. His actions show you otherwise. I'm sorry.
You are going to have to make some decisions and back them with actions. Personally I would go for an annulment, work out a custody agreement, and cut my losses.
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post #3 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 10:14 AM
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Re: am i wrong

Looks like two paychecks are in the pot on this...

There isn't room for three in a marriage.

In fact, it has become so crowded that the respect you deserve has been pushed out as well.

His defense of her tells you many things... what truths does your listening-self tell you?

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post #4 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 10:23 AM
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Re: am i wrong

No, you're not wrong.

he has no business having his old girlfriend in the house while he swore an oath
to you. Generally an engaged or married person should have no regular contact
with an old flame. Especially one practically living in the house.

whats funny to me is all his phony indignation.
I'm willing to bet if you dragged your old boyfriend into the picture he wouldn't
be so accepting.
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post #5 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 10:27 AM
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Re: am i wrong

Honey, you know exactly what is going on. You have known all along.

They are probably hoping you will get sick of it all, and that YOU will leave and then they can continue playing house with your child.

You have to stop this immediately. You are being betrayed daily. They are making a fool out of you. Please don't allow them to continue.

Ciao,

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post #6 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 10:32 AM
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Tell her she has x days to leave, and if she doesn't, call the cops and have her tossed out. That's an untenable situation you're in.
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post #7 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 11:05 AM
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Re: am i wrong

Quote:
Originally Posted by hummingangel View Post
Hi, first a warning - this is a little long.
So here is the situation. I moved in with my fiancť last year. We have a child together and because of our rotating weird schedules, we needed someone to watch her overnights and at weird hours. So he brought in a friend (female) to help out. At the interview I specifically asked how do you know my fiancť and she said they were friends. Ok well after living there a few months I find out that they actually used to sleep together. then I find text messages they were sending to each other saying stuff like meet me downstairs, I want to suck you ****, etc. while I was at work. So I confront them and tell him I want her out. He says the text messages were a fake, he told her to send them because he said I like to snoop in his phone so that would teach me a lesson. Then he said that they slept together a long time ago before we got together and that they didnít tell me because they knew I would be angry. Well now I am furious because they lied to me and I donít believe the text message story. But I forgive my fiancť and say we need to work on our relationship. However I want her (the nanny) out. so he was like well we canít afford to hire someone and we donít have any family around to help out, so after the wedding we can because then we wonít be spending money on the wedding. So I said ok.
Well it has been 5 months after the wedding and she is still in my house. Every time I bring up getting someone else itís we donít have the money. Also I donít speak to her at all. Since she watches my child I would text her about my child or leave notes but now nothing. I donít want to have any more communication with her, I just want her out of my house. Last month finally came to a head, I lost it. She wanted to talk because she said the tension was too much in the house. So I said fine we can talk like adults. I told her I donít like her and I never would. They lied to me and she still says she never messed with him. the conversation was going ok until she said that she raises my child more than I do and maybe if I actually cleaned and cooked (like she thinks she does) then he would actually want me and not mess with others. I snapped, I screamed at her and told her she has to leave. Then I told him but he still wouldnít back me. He says Iím being petty and childish because I donít communicate with her since she is watching our child. He then says if I want someone else to watch her I need to come up with a solution. So I spend all my time putting out ads, interviewing people and find someone who can watch her on our weird hours. Yes it costs money but I figured we can work something out. Well I tell him and he shuts it down saying we donít have that money, we need to concentrate on paying our debt and then we can hire someone. So Iím upset, Iím ready for her to be out of my house. So today he says he is tired of me because I went to work without telling her that my child is being picked up by mother today. I actually did put it on the calendar which is on the fridge for her, but because I didnít actually tell her he says Iím being petty and childish and not thinking of my daughter. Iím tired of this. I feel like I shouldnít be in this situation but then I told my friend and she was like you have to be an adult and think of your child. He says Iím being selfish and now I feel like Iím in the wrong. Please help.
Both are fooling u,what is the need of such husband? N throw that lady out of ur child's life she will be putting things against u in ur child's mind.

Sent from my Lenovo A6020a46 using Tapatalk
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post #8 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 11:10 AM
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Re: am i wrong

So, you've known FOR MONTHS that your fiance has been having an affair IN YOUR HOUSE with THE LIVE IN NANNY he used to date and have done nothing? Really? I ...just...wow.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #9 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 11:10 AM
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Re: am i wrong

Quote:
Originally Posted by hummingangel View Post
. He says I’m being selfish and now I feel like I’m in the wrong. Please help.
I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and see it the way you do.

If someone of the opposite sex lived in my house and sent texts to my girlfriend to the effect of "I want to suck you and do other stuff" and I found out they had a sexual relationship at one time and she refused to make him leave even after all the lies and deception and sexual texts and animosity between me and the other guy who says he's a better parent to my child than I am, I think it would probably bother me too.
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post #10 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 11:26 AM
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Cool Re: am i wrong

No! Both your intuitions(gut instincts)and the content of those texts aren't wrong! Your being had!

He wants to have his cake and eat it too!

Time for you to pack up that little girl of yours and to look at him in the rear view mirror on your way over to a good family lawyers office to arrange for child support payments!



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post #11 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 11:33 AM
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Re: am i wrong

So, if "Nannie" is so uncomfortable with the lack of communication, why doesn't SHE leave? Why does your hubby INSIST that you accept this arrangement? Why doesn't hubby respect your position in this household, aka "Wife" and "Mother" and send the nannie packing. I think you know the answer.

If your hubby will not respect your wishes, then you know the marriage is doomed. If he will not stand with you as a family unit, then it's up to you to toss the Nannie out, perhaps change your hours at work, and/or do whatever you can to see that your child is cared for and you take care of yourself.

So sorry for what you are going through.
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post #12 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 11:52 AM
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Re: am i wrong

What a crazy scenario!

There is no way the ex should have ever been invited to live in your house. Also there is no way this is a professional relationship between your husband and this woman. Think about it, would he ask any other nanny to send him a text saying she wanted to suck him off? How would a conversation like that even come up in a professional relationship.

Then there's the childish behavior of you not speaking to her. You don't want her watching your child but you keep tolerating it, but you'll show them your disdain by not speaking to her, the person watching your child. That is one of the most ridicules things I have ever heard.

If you can't afford a nanny how are you paying her? Or do her and your husband have a barter system in place?

She needs to go, and there's a chance your husband may go with her, so be it. Right now YOU are the third wheel in your own home.
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post #13 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 12:50 PM
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Re: am i wrong

Kick them both out. Then tell him he has one year to prove to you that he is worth letting back in. Then sit back and see what he does. And don't tell me you need him for the money. You can always get someone to rent space from you or get help from family or government agencies. There IS a way to do this without selling your soul to him for money.
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post #14 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 01:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: am i wrong

MJJEAN, No i havent known for months. I found out in Feb and confronted them. he said they didnt have an affair it was just a joke teaching me a lesson. He has consistenly denied having an affair with her.
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post #15 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 01:23 PM
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Re: am i wrong

Just trying to understand.

So you catch these two low life POS's cheating and sexting right under your nose in your OWN home, and your answer to that was to marry this worthless lying loser and let this skank continue caring for your child?

Really?
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