I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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View Poll Results: Did I cheat or is he using it as a smoke screen for stress release
Yes, You must have Cheated 0 0%
It is possible that you could have cheated on him but I'm not sure 0 0%
No you didn't cheat on him. You made a bad decision by remaining friends. 3 21.43%
No but he is using this situation as a crutch to emotionally abusing you 11 78.57%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 14. You may not vote on this poll

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post #16 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:42 PM
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Are your children around when he is accusing you of cheating, calling you a *****, saying he wants a divorce and otherwise disparaging you?

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post #17 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 03:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Sometimes they are around but out of ear shot. He will act as if nothing is wrong but sometimes he explodes and Ifear they hear him. when I tell him to keep it down he gets more upset and says he doesn't give a you know what. Or he does care about what i'm saying. He is now accusing me of the kids not being his.
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post #18 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 03:20 PM
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

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Originally Posted by lostnlonely View Post
Sometimes they are around but out of ear shot. He will act as if nothing is wrong but sometimes he explodes and Ifear they hear him. when I tell him to keep it down he gets more upset and says he doesn't give a you know what. Or he does care about what i'm saying. He is now accusing me of the kids not being his.
Well thatís a great thing for the kids to hear.

Does he ever bang on things (like walls and furniture), throw things, break things, garb you in anger, twist your arms, hit you, etc?
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post #19 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 03:20 PM
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

If there is any chance can you go back and put paragraphs in your original post? It was extremely hard to follow and confusing. I think you will get a lot more help if it is more readable.

Ciao,

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post #20 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 03:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

I have considered that. I was looking for medical assistant as well as a phlebotomist training course. Problem is they cost money and I don't have any. It's all his. I can't afford to quit my current job because if he puts me out I would need some type of money. he Literally just stormed in here and yelled at me about buying Diapers with his money for a kid he doesn't know is his. I don't know where that question even came from. I have nobody to talk to and find that this forum has been my only sense of relief. I haven't eaten in days because i'm so anxious about what is going to happen. It pains me to watch my kids play like their family isn't falling apart. I feel so helpless because I didn't do anything to deserve this. I'm not saying all woe is me but it's really hard to deal with him treating me this way when I have been nothing but a loving and devoted wife to him.
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post #21 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 03:22 PM
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

I have no idea why you stared with him for so long.
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post #22 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 04:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

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I have no idea why you stared with him for so long.
Because I love him Diane7. I know it's stupid but when he isn't acting like a total nutcase he is a great man.
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post #23 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 04:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

No he is just generally loud. Never touches me unless I block him from walking away then he will bulldoze through me or push me out of the way. He has thrown things but never directly at me. I honestly think that he has emotional issues and need to speak with someone on how to handle his feelings but I'm not a doctor. I could be wrong. If I even suggest that too him he calls me crazy and says that's never going to happen.
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post #24 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 04:14 PM
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

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he Literally just stormed in here and yelled at me about buying Diapers with his money for a kid he doesn't know is his. I don't know where that question even came from.
The question came from within him. Itís probably a combination of him trying to justify cheating, him needing an excuse to leave you and justifying that heís just plain not happy with his life. So he is miserable and he wants to you be just as miserable as he is.


If you know 100% that no other man could be the bio-father of your children, this is crazy. He is most likely talking to others about his accusations of you cheating. Itís typical these days for people to immediately arrive at the conclusion that the children are not his. I would suspect that those his buddies are telling him this all the time.


Have you told him to do a DNA test on the children? Tell him that the test kits can be purchased at any pharmacy, like Walgreens. He can go get one for each of the kids and send the tests in. Tell him to do that. And that since itís so darn easy for him to verify that he is the father of your two children, you donít want to hear those accusations anymore. Also, make sure that the results come to you as well so you can see them.


Seriously, you are coming off as though you have no power in this marriage. You do but you are advocating all of it to him. So, start taking back your power.


Here is an idea, to avoid a verbal fight that the kids can hear, text him something like the following:


ďSince you are the only man I have had sex with since you and I have been together, I know for a fact that you are the father of our two children. Apparently, you need to verify this. So please go to Walgreens and buy two paternity kit tests and have their DNA checked against yours. Since it is so easy and inexpensive for you to verify that you are indeed their biological father, I donít ever again want to hear you accuse me of them not being your biological children. NEVERE AGAIN.Ē

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I have considered that. I was looking for medical assistant as well as a phlebotomist training course. Problem is they cost money and I don't have any. It's all his. I can't afford to quit my current job because if he puts me out I would need some type of money.
He cannot ďput you outĒ. It does not matter if the house belongs to him. Itís your marital home, the home of your children and your legal residence. He would have to file for divorce and ask the court to kick you and the children out of the home. But no court will do that. You will be able to live in the house until the divorce is final.


I can guess why he has not filed for divorce yet. Because he knows that he will have to pay you interim spousal support and child support until the divorce is final. It can take quite a while (1-2 years for a divorce to be final). Then after the divorce he will have to pay you child support.


If you are in school, you might get the court to order him to pay you rehabilitative spousal support until your program is finished. I assume that itís a few months to 2-year program.
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I haven't eaten in days because i'm so anxious about what is going to happen. It pains me to watch my kids play like their family isn't falling apart. I feel so helpless because I didn't do anything to deserve this. I'm not saying all woe is me but it's really hard to deal with him treating me this way when I have been nothing but a loving and devoted wife to him.
You say that he is a good father. From what you have said, I disagree. Heís not a good father. A good father treats the mother of his children with respect and love. A good father does not create a hateful, stressful environment for his children to have to live in. Your children would be better off without all this stress in their lives.


What state do you live in? I think you need to know the laws in your state and what you can do to protect yourself and your children. If you share your state, we can help you find some useful info.
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post #25 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 04:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

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A lot of this depends on your state. You might have a claim to a portion of the equity in the house.

If you divorce, he will be paying you child support.

Have you considered going back to school to get some job skills that pay a decent wage? Even a vocational track for something like xray tech.... or some thing else that interests you?
I have looked in to it. I have been trying to do that for a while now. At least a year. It cost money to do those things and he most certainly is not going to help. I was a stay at home mother because we both don't trust other people to watch our children. I was ok with a baby sitter but he refused. When I went back to work before he called and text me all day saying the baby kept him up and he has to go to work ect ect. So after a few weeks of that I had to quit. I was worried about the same thing happening this time but he has been mad at me since the day I started working so he just ignores me unless it's to yell at me or fight with me fore being a cheating *****

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post #26 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 04:21 PM
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

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Because I love him Diane7. I know it's stupid but when he isn't acting like a total nutcase he is a great man.
You need to sit back and think about this. A person is only as good as the worst things that they do.

Even the worst people among us can act nice when they want to. Look at Bundy. Most people who knew him said he was a nice person.

You are seeing the core of the man you married know. This is what he is really like.

Are you aware of the term ďCycle of AbuseĒ? Look it up. All abusers are nice most of the time. They behave in a cycle where they only blow up and abuse some times.

Usually an abuser starts out acting like a good person at first and as time goes on they slowly escalate to what you have now. The fact that the throws things means that he is capable of violence. The message is ďThis time Iím hurting things. Be careful and donít get me angry because next time I just might throw you around.Ē
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post #27 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 04:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Words I can handle. They hurt but for the most part I can ignore them. Sticks and stones and all that however, If he ever put his hands on me. I would have him kicked out and sue for full custody because a physically abusive man cannot be trusted. I Live in ny and I have tried to do a little research on what will happen if he puts me out and I know that I can petition the court to have him removed for domestic violence and he would have to keep paying the bills. So he wants to divorce me then there is nothing I can do about that but if he ever put his hands on me I would go after him for everything he has built and take it away from him the same way he is trying to do to me. I'm not a weak woman who just takes my husbands emotional abuse. I make excuses for it and i'm starting to see the error of my ways in that department. I just don't want to tear my family apart because he insist on acting like an ahole.
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post #28 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 04:38 PM
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

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I have looked in to it. I have been trying to do that for a while now. At least a year. It cost money to do those things and he most certainly is not going to help.
Yes it costs money to go to school. If the two of you divorce, you can get Pel Grants, financial aid and student loans. With his income you should be able to get student loans.

Is there a state run community college near you? We have one here. Their tuition is very low and their programs are extremely good.

If he is talking about divorcing, then you might be able to explain to him that if he will help you with going to school, then you will be earning more, and so he will be paying you less child support. Maybe that will get him to understand that HE needs for you to be able to earn more.
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I was a stay at home mother because we both don't trust other people to watch our children. I was ok with a baby sitter but he refused. When I went back to work before he called and text me all day saying the baby kept him up and he has to go to work ect ect. So after a few weeks of that I had to quit. I was worried about the same thing happening this time but he has been mad at me since the day I started working so he just ignores me unless it's to yell at me or fight with me fore being a cheating *****
Does he sleep during the day?
If he refuses to act like a married man and have his income in a joint account then he is creating this problem. Too bad for him that he cannot get reset when he sleeps during the day. Thatís called having children. Itís not our responsibility to quit your job so he can sleep all day. Not when heís being abusive of you.

Now that you are working, who is taking care of your children when you are at work?

What he is doing in withholding finances from you is a forum of domestic abuse. By law, his income is marital income. You should have as much access to it as he does. The two of you should be agreeing to how that money is spent. Him yelling at you for buying diapers is beyond ridiculous.
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post #29 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 05:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

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Yes it costs money to go to school. If the two of you divorce, you can get Pel Grants, financial aid and student loans. With his income you should be able to get student loans.

Is there a state run community college near you? We have one here. Their tuition is very low and their programs are extremely good.

If he is talking about divorcing, then you might be able to explain to him that if he will help you with going to school, then you will be earning more, and so he will be paying you less child support. Maybe that will get him to understand that HE needs for you to be able to earn more.

Does he sleep during the day?
If he refuses to act like a married man and have his income in a joint account then he is creating this problem. Too bad for him that he cannot get reset when he sleeps during the day. That’s called having children. It’s not our responsibility to quit your job so he can sleep all day. Not when he’s being abusive of you.

Now that you are working, who is taking care of your children when you are at work?

What he is doing in withholding finances from you is a forum of domestic abuse. By law, his income is marital income. You should have as much access to it as he does. The two of you should be agreeing to how that money is spent. Him yelling at you for buying diapers is beyond ridiculous.
I'm definitely going to look in to grants ect. I work from 8 to 4 and he works over night. He watches her during the day for now as he always has whenever I managed to get a job. The problem is after a week or two of it he gets sick of it and complains about it nonstop to the point where I have to quit. I only buy stuff for the house the kids and him. What I do buy for myself is needed. All other money is spent on bills. He complains I buy too much but I only buy what is needed with the rare time that I do spend on something random he is well aware of it or apart of it. He wasn't yelling at me for buying the diapers he was yelling because I did it with his money. Mind you I have only been working a week so I have not been paid yet and he knows that. It's crazy all week long he has been refusing to eat food I have bought or prepared (I normally cook every night and have a plate set up for him ready to go in the morning) So Since I haven't been eating I haven't cooked all week. Just the kids food and he has been bringing home takeout for himself. He come bursting in to my office demanding I go the burger king for him. Now he refused to eat food I cooked or paid for but now suddenly he wants me to make a food run for him. Normally when he acts this way he goes and gets everything himself or goes without just for the sake of not asking me or sticking it to me I guess I don't know what goes on in his head. Had it not been for my daughter hearing burger king and asking me can she have a pie I would have told him I wasn't going.
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post #30 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 05:10 PM
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

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Words I can handle. They hurt but for the most part I can ignore them. Sticks and stones and all that however, If he ever put his hands on me. I would have him kicked out and sue for full custody because a physically abusive man cannot be trusted. I Live in ny and I have tried to do a little research on what will happen if he puts me out and I know that I can petition the court to have him removed for domestic violence and he would have to keep paying the bills. So he wants to divorce me then there is nothing I can do about that but if he ever put his hands on me I would go after him for everything he has built and take it away from him the same way he is trying to do to me. I'm not a weak woman who just takes my husbands emotional abuse. I make excuses for it and i'm starting to see the error of my ways in that department. I just don't want to tear my family apart because he insist on acting like an ahole.
Keep in mind that emotional abuse is as bad, and sometimes worse, than physical abuse. Why? Because it can destroy a person.

You need to start asserting yourself so that he knows that you are not going to put up with his abuse. The bit about telling him to have DNA test the kids is, I would think, your first step. If you wanted to, you could put a stop to that nonsense in a heartbeat by telling him to do the DNA tests.

In NY he cannot kick you out of your home until a court order that states who gets the house. Itís not that you have to ask the court to let you stay. Itís that he cannot kick you out of your legal residence.

Iím going to post some info for you about a safety/exit plan for an abusive situation. It has a lot of good ideas of things that you need to be doing just in case he does file for divorce so that you are protected legally and financially.

Also, if this does go to divorce, you can ask to court to have him pay all your legal fees since he is the one who has access to the money.

Note in the below linked article, in NY, the court will take into consideration not only the length of time you were married but the length of time that the two of you have lived together before marriage.

Adultery in New York: Does Cheating Affect Alimony? | DivorceNet.com
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