I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

View Poll Results: Did I cheat or is he using it as a smoke screen for stress release
Yes, You must have Cheated 0 0%
It is possible that you could have cheated on him but I'm not sure 0 0%
No you didn't cheat on him. You made a bad decision by remaining friends. 3 21.43%
No but he is using this situation as a crutch to emotionally abusing you 11 78.57%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 14. You may not vote on this poll

User Tag List

 31Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #31 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 05:26 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,011
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Quote:
Originally Posted by lostnlonely View Post
I'm definitely going to look in to grants ect. I work from 8 to 4 and he works over night. He watches her during the day for now as he always has whenever I managed to get a job. The problem is after a week or two of it he gets sick of it and complains about it nonstop to the point where I have to quit.
No, you do not have to quit. You choose to quit. You need to realize your own contribution to this problem.

Now it is true that he needs his sleep. I think most people would get very cranky with very little sleep. A good solution is to hire someone to watch your children in your home while your husband sleeps. That way he is there to keep an eye on things.

What are his work hours? I’m trying to figure out what hours he is supposed to be sleeping.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lostnlonely View Post
I only buy stuff for the house the kids and him. What I do buy for myself is needed. All other money is spent on bills. He complains I buy too much but I only buy what is needed with the rare time that I do spend on something random he is well aware of it or apart of it. He wasn't yelling at me for buying the diapers he was yelling because I did it with his money. Mind you I have only been working a week so I have not been paid yet and he knows that.
I get that he was yelling at you for spending his money to buy diapers. And it’s insane that he would yell at you for that. Your kid needs diapers. He earns more than 5 times what you do. Who does he think has the money to buy diapers? He does. And it’s not HIS money. It’s marital income.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lostnlonely View Post
It's crazy all week long he has been refusing to eat food I have bought or prepared (I normally cook every night and have a plate set up for him ready to go in the morning) So Since I haven't been eating I haven't cooked all week. Just the kids food and he has been bringing home takeout for himself. He come bursting in to my office demanding I go the burger king for him. Now he refused to eat food I cooked or paid for but now suddenly he wants me to make a food run for him. Normally when he acts this way he goes and gets everything himself or goes without just for the sake of not asking me or sticking it to me I guess I don't know what goes on in his head. Had it not been for my daughter hearing burger king and asking me can she have a pie I would have told him I wasn't going.
Well I guess he got his way. Next time tell him to order pizza and have it delivered. If you child says she wants a pie, tell her that you are sorry but not this time.

EleGirl is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #32 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 05:29 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 20
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Keep in mind that emotional abuse is as bad, and sometimes worse, than physical abuse. Why? Because it can destroy a person.

You need to start asserting yourself so that he knows that you are not going to put up with his abuse. The bit about telling him to have DNA test the kids is, I would think, your first step. If you wanted to, you could put a stop to that nonsense in a heartbeat by telling him to do the DNA tests.

In NY he cannot kick you out of your home until a court order that states who gets the house. It’s not that you have to ask the court to let you stay. It’s that he cannot kick you out of your legal residence.

I’m going to post some info for you about a safety/exit plan for an abusive situation. It has a lot of good ideas of things that you need to be doing just in case he does file for divorce so that you are protected legally and financially.

Also, if this does go to divorce, you can ask to court to have him pay all your legal fees since he is the one who has access to the money.

Note in the below linked article, in NY, the court will take into consideration not only the length of time you were married but the length of time that the two of you have lived together before marriage.

Adultery in New York: Does Cheating Affect Alimony? | DivorceNet.com
Thank you for the info I'm going to look it over right now. Yes I need a plan because I don't know what to do anymore. I am NOT perfect I stress this because he is always saying I think I'm perfect and that he doesn't put me on a pedestal anymore because i'm like every other lying *****, but I know I'm a good wife and mother and I don't deserve this and it hurts so bad because I'm numb and tense all the time. I can't even cry because I'm so numb. I can't wrap my mind around one emotion i'm feeling so many and he just keeps saying horrible things. If I hadn't have found this forum Idk what I would have done I just needed someone to talk to to try and get some of this out so I appreciate your time in talking to me and trying to help me.
lostnlonely is offline  
post #33 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 05:29 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,011
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Below is a safety exist plan that I put together. You can look through all this and take what makes sense for you and make your own plan.....

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps.

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

Get a support system:

  • Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.

  • Also check into legal aid in your area.


  • Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Check on sites like Amazon for books about divorce in your state. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.

  • Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble.
  • If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to We are what we do | Meetup Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.


Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’.

  • If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:

  • your mail from the ‘safe address’

  • All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account

  • Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.

  • Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports,

  • Car title, social security cards, credit cards,

  • Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.)

  • Titles, deeds and other property information

  • Medical records

  • Children's school and immunization records

  • Insurance information

  • Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s.

  • Welfare identification

  • Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

Financial Plan


Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.


Your safety Plan:

You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand.

  • Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter.

  • Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.

  • If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.

  • Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made.

  • Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures.

  • You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse.

  • Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.

  • If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape.

  • Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape.

  • Hide an extra set of car keys.

  • Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”.

  • Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends.

  • Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc.

  • Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave.

  • Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial.

  • Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.


After Leaving the Abusive Relationship
  • If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home:

    • Change your locks and phone number.

    • Change your work hours and route taken to work.

    • Change the route taken to transport children to school.

    • Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.

    • Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.

    • Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender.

    • Call law enforcement to enforce the order.

  • If you leave the family home:

    • Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.

    • Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number.

    • Change your work hours, if possible.

    • Alert school authorities of the situation.

    • Consider changing your children's schools.

    • Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them.

    • Use different stores and frequent different social spots.

    • Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.

    • Talk to trusted people about the violence.

    • Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system.

    • Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.

    • Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order.

    • Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

Here are some ways you can find out things about your finances and some about how you can start saving money in your own name. I’m not putting them on the open forum because I don’t want to tip off people who are abusers.

Some of this might sound crazy. But you are completely in the dark and these are ways that people I know, even I, got the info we needed so that our spouse could not rip us off in a divorce.

Check his wallet and get photographs of any cards and other info that he has in there to include his driver’s license. Make sure to save them somewhere that he cannot get to, like on the cloud.

If he has a brief case do the same thing to it. Do you have a scanner at home? If not get one. I have a small portable that’s easy to use. That’s all you need. Just scan everything in his briefcase into pdf or jpgs. And again keep that info in a cloud account.

If you do use a cloud account, make sure that it does not create an account on your PC that he could see. There is a way to prevent that.

Does he have a home office or a place at home where he works sometimes? If so search it (often). Check the trash.. (I found out all kinds of stuff about my husband by searching his trash. Like I found letters from his affair partner. That’s how I found out about one of his affairs. I also found receipts and statements showing that he was moving money that I earned into accounts and investments in his and his mother’s name.

Another thing that you might want to try is to go through the trash from his business if you can get to it. Just snatch the bags of trash out of the trash bin into your car, take them some place where he will not see you go through it and search. I kid you not, you can find stuff.

Get a key to his car. Make one if you need to. Then search it often. Search every cranny. Again I found all kinds of info that way. My then husband was hiding papers in the well where the spare tire and tools go. When he traveled, I drove to the airport, found his car in long-term parking and searched it. He was using his car to hide things while he traveled.

Get online and order his credit report. It could lead to all kinds of info on accounts he has.

Search the court records for any law suits. If he has a business, it might have been sued and he might have had to disclose financial info. Here where I live there is a website for the state of New Mexico where we can search on a person’s name to find all court cases of any kind… to include if they were sued, arrested and charged, divorced, etc. I’m sure that New York has something similar.

If you have access to a computer that he uses, put a key stroke monitor on his computer. A very good one is Webwatcher. It captures every keystroke and takes screen shots. Then it sends the information to your account on their website. So you don’t even need to get on his computer after the software is installed. You will be able to get passwords, account numbers, etc. this way.

Make sure that you take an inventory of everything of value in your home. Take photos of everything. And do a walking inventory through the house. That way he cannot hide or dispose of things of value during a divorce.
=========================================
Now about money

Then open bank accounts in your name only. Use an address other than your home address. Also do electronic statements, etc. so that there is no paperwork for him to find. You can open a bank account with as little as $25.

If at all possible, every time you go to a store, get out cash. Even if it’s $10. I know a woman who did this. She’d get out between $40 and $60 with every purchase. It added up… to thousands over a few year period. Make sure that you throw away the receipts before you get home or keep them where he cannot find them. Do not put them in your home trash.

Go through your house and sell anything that you can. Just tell him that you are wanting to simplify your life and declutter. List things on craigslist and sell it. Put the money in your bank account.

Last edited by EleGirl; 03-11-2017 at 05:36 PM.
EleGirl is offline  
 
post #34 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 05:41 PM
Forum Supporter
 
CynthiaDe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4,550
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post


If at all possible, every time you go to a store, get out cash. Even if it’s $10. I know a woman who did this. She’d get out between $40 and $60 with every purchase. It added up… to thousands over a few year period. Make sure that you throw away the receipts before you get home or keep them where he cannot find them. Do not put them in your home trash.
There is always a garbage can near the door of the grocery store. I always throw my receipt away, because they just end up filling my pockets or my purse. If I need to return something, they already have my purchase on record at most places I shop since I use their store rewards cards. Anyway, if you get into the habit of doing this, if he ever asks you, you can give him the excuse of why I don't save receipts. Because they are trash and trash goes in the trash.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
CynthiaDe is offline  
post #35 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 05:42 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 20
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

wow that is a lot to shift through. It is very detailed though and I have a good idea on a few of the things listed. Thank you so much.
lostnlonely is offline  
post #36 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 05:55 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 20
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
No, you do not have to quit. You choose to quit. You need to realize your own contribution to this problem.

Now it is true that he needs his sleep. I think most people would get very cranky with very little sleep. A good solution is to hire someone to watch your children in your home while your husband sleeps. That way he is there to keep an eye on things.

What are his work hours? I’m trying to figure out what hours he is supposed to be sleeping.

I get that he was yelling at you for spending his money to buy diapers. And it’s insane that he would yell at you for that. Your kid needs diapers. He earns more than 5 times what you do. Who does he think has the money to buy diapers? He does. And it’s not HIS money. It’s marital income.


Well I guess he got his way. Next time tell him to order pizza and have it delivered. If you child says she wants a pie, tell her that you are sorry but not this time.
he works from about 9 pm to 6 am. two hours of that is travel. I wanted to get a babysitter. he doesn't want someone else watching our kid until she is old enough to tell us is something is wrong. So even in home baby sitting was an issue
lostnlonely is offline  
post #37 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 10:26 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,786
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Quote:
Originally Posted by lostnlonely View Post
Because I love him Diane7. I know it's stupid but when he isn't acting like a total nutcase he is a great man.
Sometimes loving someone keeps us and our children in a destructive and harmful situation.
A great man doesn't act that way.
Diana7 is offline  
post #38 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 01:06 AM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,011
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Quote:
Originally Posted by lostnlonely View Post
he works from about 9 pm to 6 am. two hours of that is travel. I wanted to get a babysitter. he doesn't want someone else watching our kid until she is old enough to tell us is something is wrong. So even in home baby sitting was an issue
But somehow, his idea is that you have to live under his abusive thumb so that your child does not need to go to child care.

In home child care, while he is at home, means that he can keep an eye on the sitter. And there are things like nanny cams to help keep and eye on the sitter.

My take on it is that he does not want you working. He's a very jealous and controlling man. If you work, you have independence to some degree. He cannot deal with that.

Last edited by EleGirl; 03-12-2017 at 02:44 PM.
EleGirl is offline  
post #39 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 01:19 PM
Forum Supporter
 
CynthiaDe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4,550
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post


My take on it is that he does not want to working. He's a very jealous and controlling man. If you work, you have independence to some degree. He cannot deal with that.
I agree. He probably could not care less about who watches the children. What he really cares about is having you dependant upon him and thinking that he cares. He is doing these things to manipulate and control you, not because he loves any of you. This is not about love. It is about power and control.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
CynthiaDe is offline  
post #40 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 01:25 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 172
Re: He wants to leave me for something that happened 12 years ago

Quote:
Originally Posted by lostnlonely View Post
I need help on what to do with my marriage. this is going to be a long one as i'm going to be completely honest and give the entire back story. I love my husband and have been with him for 16 years married for only 1. When we were younger about 17 and 20 years old he went to prison for 3 years. I promised that I'd wait for him and I did. I wrote him everyday for the first two years and about every week or so during the third year ( My life had become busy and I was working crazy hours as a waitress to save enough money for us to have a place by the time he got out that following year) During this time I made friends at my new job which was a relief because I had been totally alone during the first two years.

I had cut everyone off and was severely depressed from missing him even though I saw him every two weeks. During the last year my friends consisted of a female and a male. Now the male I was comfortable with because I had no reason to think he wanted me in that way. So one day he offered to pick me up for work and I said sure that would be nice (since it saved me $6 on a cab) The day he came to pick me up I told him wait here and went to get ready. He came up stairs and started talking to me about normal non sense then out of no where he kissed me. I never ever led him on. When he realized It was not a mutual feeling he apologized and I accepted ( Now I feel I should have throw him out) so we left and went to work.

I started to distance myself from him at that point. I felt I needed to tell my husband because we didn't keep secrets from one another. So I did and he was upset obviously but he understood that it was totally one sided and I apologized profusely. Of course he demanded I stay away from him and I did until the man in question started dating my best friend at the time and he would come around with her sometimes. Now I didn't see the problem with this as I was not interested in him and he was dating my friend. So we all hung out together. My husband finally came home and I had a place ready for us and I thought we were fine. I introduced him to my friends and he seemed fine with it for months. Now I knew I couldn't afford to keep the apartment up alone and told him that he needed to get a job. He wasn't really trying much and after a few months and an eviction notice I lost it.

I admit that I began to belittle him and shame him as I was frustrated and it was the only way I thought at the time that he would make the extra effort. Through it all we still managed to stay together even after we got evicted and spent two years living with different family members until we got ourselves together (Mind you during this time I got pregnant and had a baby who was 1 by the time we got our own place) After about a year he started messaging a woman we both knew but weren't friends with. I have bad blood with her from us being teens. He claims he never slept with her but I didn't believe it then and I don't now.

However I never ever brought it up after we had the initial issue of me discovering the messages. I tend to let go of things once i'm passed it. At this point I don't think he was cheating he was always home when not at work (he is a homebody) Now I have asked him through out the course of our relationship to no contact this woman and he will agree but 6 months or some years will go by and he is back to texting her always insisting their friends. So suddenly he starts Accusing me of having sex and emotional affair with the guy I was talking about that I worked with. Now this was 7 years ago at this point but he keeps insisting that it happened. he has made up his mind about that and won't let it go.

he refuses to believe me saying that my actions lead him to believe that I did it but I know that I didn't. Now this is an on and off argument with him it has been 3 years now and he will find any reason to fight about it and bring it up. two months before our wedding he went insane because I ran in to an old friend while we were out together. I knew this guy way before him that I hadn't seen in 10 years. We were only ever friends never anything more even before my husband. Once I got with my husband I stopped even seeing him then he moved away.

So I see this friend and he has a mess of hair on his face and I jokingly grab his beard and make a pirate joke. My husband storms off practically leaving me and accuses me of being a thot ( *****). we got in to a huge fight and he brought up the other thing again as well saying I was a no good ***** and he was leaving me.( Also by this point we have had baby number two and this all took place on valentines day) So after two weeks of fighting and him constantly being hurtful and calling me horrible names we managed to work it out. we bought our first home and got married ( We weren't married before because he wanted to be financially stable first) So we move in and everything is fine and happy. Now almost a year later he is accusing me again of cheating on him and belittling him when we were younger and being disrespectful and not loyal and a deceitful *****.

He says that it is over and he wants a divorce. he said he never should have married me and that he hates me. He says that he doesn't have a life because he never goes any where (he is a homebody nobody forces him to stay home. he works over night and sleeps all day) and that it is all my fault. I know he is stressed because of the bills and I know stress is his trigger to treat me this way and act out. So I went out and got a job to help out ( I'm a stay at home mother. His choice not mine. whenever I get a job he claims he can't watch the kids and work and that it is too much for him ect. he doesn't trust daycare's or baby sitters) I have tried talking to him and hearing him out I have even apologized for what he thinks I did even though I know I didn't do anything. He is adamant about not being with me and I have checked all his phones and texts and even the phone bill so I know he is not Cheating on me ( I know it was wrong but this came out of no where and I had to know so went through his stuff) I'm a good wife to him.

I take care of him and I'm always will to be intimate. I'm not perfect. Sometimes when he attacks me I attack back because it can be so brutal. I say things just as mean to him when I am feeling attacked. I know that he loves me. I'm not sure if he is in love with me anymore however. I just don't know what to do and need some advice on how assuming I can fix this. Our children have no idea its bad between us and I love him so much so I feel like I'm being forced out of a life I built. I also don't want to have ruin my girls happy life over something I didn't do but he can't seem to let go of. Any advice or help would be appreciated.

He won't go to counseling and I know there is no way I can get him to attend a workshop of any sort. Even if we managed to get back to a good place he wouldn't go. he thinks it is all bs and he is one of those people where he is right and the world is wrong. I just feel so lost and alone. When he is home he pretends i'm not there unless he needs me to get the kids to stop doing something. when he does speak to me it is only to yell at me and belittle me and continue to dissect something that happened years ago that I can barely remember now. He swears that he just can't get over it and i'm not who he thought I was that he doesn't even know me because the woman he knew wouldn't have allowed that to happen. I'm so lost he is throwing away our beautiful family because of something that he thinks I did and can't seem to get past. Even after all this time.

Pack his ****, put it on the porch, call police if need be, file for divorce and move forward.

DepressedHusband is offline  
post #41 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 01:27 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 172
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Quote:
Originally Posted by elegirl View Post
below is a safety exist plan that i put together. You can look through all this and take what makes sense for you and make your own plan.....

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

the national domestic violence hotline | 24/7 confidential support

if you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

it is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do i know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps.

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that i added some things to base on my own experience.

get a support system:

  • find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.

  • also check into legal aid in your area.


  • talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Check on sites like amazon for books about divorce in your state. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.

  • let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: On equals no danger, off equals trouble.
  • if you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to we are what we do | meetup search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.


set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’.

  • if you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a po box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:

  • your mail from the ‘safe address’

  • all account info and atm card for your personal checking account

  • copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.

  • certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports,

  • car title, social security cards, credit cards,

  • citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.)

  • titles, deeds and other property information

  • medical records

  • children's school and immunization records

  • insurance information

  • verification of social security numbers make sure you know your husband’s social security number and your son’s.

  • welfare identification

  • valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

financial plan


consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.


your safety plan:

you need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand.

  • know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter.

  • keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.

  • if you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.

  • keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made.

  • keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures.

  • you can get a var (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse.

  • plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.

  • if you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape.

  • back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape.

  • hide an extra set of car keys.

  • set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”.

  • pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, ids, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends.

  • take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc.

  • know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave.

  • be careful when reaching out for help via internet or telephone. Erase your internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial.

  • create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.


after leaving the abusive relationship
  • if you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home:

    • change your locks and phone number.

    • change your work hours and route taken to work.

    • change the route taken to transport children to school.

    • keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.

    • inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.

    • give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender.

    • call law enforcement to enforce the order.

  • if you leave the family home:

    • do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.

    • consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number.

    • change your work hours, if possible.

    • alert school authorities of the situation.

    • consider changing your children's schools.

    • reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them.

    • use different stores and frequent different social spots.

    • alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.

    • talk to trusted people about the violence.

    • replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system.

    • tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.

    • tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order.

    • call the telephone company to request caller id. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

here are some ways you can find out things about your finances and some about how you can start saving money in your own name. I’m not putting them on the open forum because i don’t want to tip off people who are abusers.

Some of this might sound crazy. But you are completely in the dark and these are ways that people i know, even i, got the info we needed so that our spouse could not rip us off in a divorce.

Check his wallet and get photographs of any cards and other info that he has in there to include his driver’s license. Make sure to save them somewhere that he cannot get to, like on the cloud.

If he has a brief case do the same thing to it. Do you have a scanner at home? If not get one. I have a small portable that’s easy to use. That’s all you need. Just scan everything in his briefcase into pdf or jpgs. And again keep that info in a cloud account.

If you do use a cloud account, make sure that it does not create an account on your pc that he could see. There is a way to prevent that.

Does he have a home office or a place at home where he works sometimes? If so search it (often). Check the trash.. (i found out all kinds of stuff about my husband by searching his trash. Like i found letters from his affair partner. That’s how i found out about one of his affairs. I also found receipts and statements showing that he was moving money that i earned into accounts and investments in his and his mother’s name.

Another thing that you might want to try is to go through the trash from his business if you can get to it. Just snatch the bags of trash out of the trash bin into your car, take them some place where he will not see you go through it and search. I kid you not, you can find stuff.

Get a key to his car. Make one if you need to. Then search it often. Search every cranny. Again i found all kinds of info that way. My then husband was hiding papers in the well where the spare tire and tools go. When he traveled, i drove to the airport, found his car in long-term parking and searched it. He was using his car to hide things while he traveled.

Get online and order his credit report. It could lead to all kinds of info on accounts he has.

Search the court records for any law suits. If he has a business, it might have been sued and he might have had to disclose financial info. Here where i live there is a website for the state of new mexico where we can search on a person’s name to find all court cases of any kind… to include if they were sued, arrested and charged, divorced, etc. I’m sure that new york has something similar.

If you have access to a computer that he uses, put a key stroke monitor on his computer. A very good one is webwatcher. It captures every keystroke and takes screen shots. Then it sends the information to your account on their website. So you don’t even need to get on his computer after the software is installed. You will be able to get passwords, account numbers, etc. This way.

Make sure that you take an inventory of everything of value in your home. Take photos of everything. And do a walking inventory through the house. That way he cannot hide or dispose of things of value during a divorce.
=========================================
now about money

then open bank accounts in your name only. Use an address other than your home address. Also do electronic statements, etc. So that there is no paperwork for him to find. You can open a bank account with as little as $25.

If at all possible, every time you go to a store, get out cash. Even if it’s $10. I know a woman who did this. She’d get out between $40 and $60 with every purchase. It added up… to thousands over a few year period. Make sure that you throw away the receipts before you get home or keep them where he cannot find them. Do not put them in your home trash.

Go through your house and sell anything that you can. Just tell him that you are wanting to simplify your life and declutter. List things on craigslist and sell it. Put the money in your bank account.

do not take children without notifying the court you can and will be charged with parental kidnapping in most states now. Work with police document the abuse and make sure that the court police and prosecution are working with you.
DepressedHusband is offline  
post #42 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 02:47 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,011
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Quote:
Originally Posted by DepressedHusband View Post
do not take children without notifying the court you can and will be charged with parental kidnapping in most states now. Work with police document the abuse and make sure that the court police and prosecution are working with you.
This is absolutely correct.

If she gets help from a domestic abuse/violence organization, they will help her get all of this in place.

If she gets help from a domestic abuse/violence organization, they will help her get all of this in place.

ETA: if there is a crisis and she is leaving the home to escape violence, she can leave with the children. Then she needs to call 911 and tell them.

It is a problem if she moves out and takes the children without his permission.
EleGirl is offline  
post #43 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 03:19 PM
Forum Supporter
 
CynthiaDe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4,550
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

It is highly likely that the reason he has escalated is that he is or has cheated on you.

Do not quit your job. You will need your job.

Please contact a domestic violence service immediately. You may not feel that you qualify, because he has not physically harmed you, but what you are experiencing is a form of violence. He is attempting to trap you and make you so afraid that you will do whatever he says. Everything that he is telling you is dependant upon you doing what he says. If you make an escape plan and follow through, all that he has planned will mean nothing and you will be free of his abuse. However, like others have said, all of this must be documented and run through the courts. Once that happens, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
CynthiaDe is offline  
post #44 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 03:21 PM
Forum Supporter
 
CynthiaDe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4,550
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

P.S. None of this has anything to do with him thinking that you cheated on him. That is simply a manipulation tool he is using to control you and make you defend yourself. You have fallen into his trap. It's all smoke and mirrors. You can escape this hell you are living in, but do not attempt it alone and do not attempt it before you have a plan in place with the force of the law behind you. If he becomes physically violent in any way, shape, or form, run and call 911.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
CynthiaDe is offline  
post #45 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 03:28 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,011
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Quote:
Originally Posted by CynthiaDe View Post
It is highly likely that the reason he has escalated is that he is or has cheated on you.

Do not quit your job. You will need your job.

Please contact a domestic violence service immediately. You may not feel that you qualify, because he has not physically harmed you, but what you are experiencing is a form of violence. He is attempting to trap you and make you so afraid that you will do whatever he says. Everything that he is telling you is dependant upon you doing what he says. If you make an escape plan and follow through, all that he has planned will mean nothing and you will be free of his abuse. However, like others have said, all of this must be documented and run through the courts. Once that happens, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Domestic abuse/violence organizations recognize that signs of verbal/emotional abuse and take it very seriously.

Besides all the emotional/verbal abuse, he has been throwing this. That is domestic violence because is is a threat of physical violence.

Plus him withholding money from her is a very serious form of domestic abuse that is considered very close to violence because it keeps her from being able to leave if she feels she is in danger physically and/or emotionally.

She should have no problem getting help.
EleGirl is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My parents are driving me NUTS adegirl2016 The Family & Parenting Forums 12 01-11-2017 01:19 PM
"You don't get it" ... am I nuts? withatwist General Relationship Discussion 45 09-07-2016 08:30 PM
POLL: What is your top male love language? thread the needle The Men's Clubhouse 11 03-01-2016 05:55 PM
valentine's day sex poll dino3120 Sex in Marriage 33 02-17-2016 06:13 PM
A quick poll on your Gender planewalker1 Coping with Infidelity 42 02-17-2016 09:10 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome