I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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View Poll Results: Did I cheat or is he using it as a smoke screen for stress release
Yes, You must have Cheated 0 0%
It is possible that you could have cheated on him but I'm not sure 0 0%
No you didn't cheat on him. You made a bad decision by remaining friends. 3 21.43%
No but he is using this situation as a crutch to emotionally abusing you 11 78.57%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 14. You may not vote on this poll

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post #46 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 07:56 PM
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Re: He wants to leave me for something that happened 12 years ago

Sounds like now that he's got money in his pockets he wants to be carefree and single without the weight of kids and a wife.

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post #47 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 08:34 PM
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

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Domestic abuse/violence organizations recognize that signs of verbal/emotional abuse and take it very seriously.

Besides all the emotional/verbal abuse, he has been throwing this. That is domestic violence because is is a threat of physical violence.

Plus him withholding money from her is a very serious form of domestic abuse that is considered very close to violence because it keeps her from being able to leave if she feels she is in danger physically and/or emotionally.

She should have no problem getting help.
Not everything is domestic abuse, and saying mean things occasionally and even being irate is not domestic abuse. There are 2 sides to every story.
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post #48 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 09:12 PM
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

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Because I love him Diane7. I know it's stupid but when he isn't acting like a total nutcase he is a great man.
It's not stupid that you love him. It is perfectly normal for you to love him. You have been with him for a long time and you have two children with him. However, that should not stop you from doing what is best for yourself and your children. You are being abused by the man you love. I know that's heartbreaking. It should be heartbreaking, but he should not be breaking your heart and scaring you. That is not loving behavior. It is abusive. Enabling him to continue abusing you (and your children by putting them in fear as well) is not healthy for you, your husband, or your children.

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Not everything is domestic abuse, and saying mean things occasionally and even being irate is not domestic abuse. There are 2 sides to every story.
A fearful woman who is in love with her husband and the mother of an infant or toddler comes here and tells what is going on in her life and why she is afraid. Yes, there are two sides to every story. In this case it would be the story of the abused and the abuser. There are several reasons why I would chose to believe her over whatever story he comes up with.

Are you suggesting that a woman who is obviously afraid and feeling trapped by an angry, abusive man shouldn't get the help she needs?

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post #49 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 09:47 PM
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

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Not everything is domestic abuse, and saying mean things occasionally and even being irate is not domestic abuse. There are 2 sides to every story.
Of course not everything is domestic abuse. I'm not stupid.

Of course there are two sides to every story. Again I'm not stupid.

Here on TAM, we go by what a person tells us.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is to get a person to seek outside help in their real life. Then professionals who know the OP and hopefully her husband can assess the situation.
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post #50 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 11:42 PM Thread Starter
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Angry Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

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Of course not everything is domestic abuse. I'm not stupid.

Of course there are two sides to every story. Again I'm not stupid.

Here on TAM, we go by what a person tells us.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is to get a person to seek outside help in their real life. Then professionals who know the OP and hopefully her husband can assess the situation.
Me going to counseling is not a horrible idea as I feel I have a lot I need to get out and no where t put it.. I'm not afraid of my husband in the sense that he will hurt me physically. I'm just afraid of losing the life I built. Honestly if he would let this go and get some help for controlling his anger we would be fine. He isn't always like this but when it gets like this its bad this is by far the worse I have ever seen him and it's becoming more frequent. Before it was like 1 time ever few months now it's like it can happen this week he gets over it and he is back on it next week. I asked him today what is it about our life that has him feeling like he wants to end our marriage and break up our family. He said that this reason I mentioned in my post is the only reason because he can't let it go and won't be married to a dumb b and cheating *****. It was like being slapped in the face.

I tried to talk to him about it he said that it is over and he is done so I left it alone and went about my day avoiding him around the house. He randomly starts talking as I walk by saying you know what gets me... and he goes in to it again. So I try to tell him why I reacted they way I did and my mindset at the time so he could hear my side for the millionth time and before I got 5 words out he was interrupting me and forcing his opinion of how I should have handled it down my throat. I already told him that if we wasn't going to listen to me and look at it objectively based on my normal behavior and how I act everyday that there is no point talking about it. He cursed me out said we were done and he is over it and won't bring it up again, then he left for work. So I went back to doing my normal nightly routine to keep myself from getting upset in front of the kids. He then calls me 20 minutes later wanting to talk about it again.

which only ended in him calling me a B and I have had enough for one night so I hung up on him and he hasn't called me back yet so I hope that is all for tonight and he doesn't call me at 4 am. I just don't understand what he is expecting or even wants. He won't listen to me he is only interested in his opinion of how I should have reacted or what I should have done and calls me stupid for not doing it. How can he know how "Stupid" I apparently am if he never lets me speak.
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post #51 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 11:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

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It is highly likely that the reason he has escalated is that he is or has cheated on you.

Do not quit your job. You will need your job.

Please contact a domestic violence service immediately. You may not feel that you qualify, because he has not physically harmed you, but what you are experiencing is a form of violence. He is attempting to trap you and make you so afraid that you will do whatever he says. Everything that he is telling you is dependant upon you doing what he says. If you make an escape plan and follow through, all that he has planned will mean nothing and you will be free of his abuse. However, like others have said, all of this must be documented and run through the courts. Once that happens, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
If I do that right now it would be all out warfare. I am not ready yet I have nothing. He keeps saying that I'm going to end up in a women's shelter because I can't support myself nor will I find a job to pay bills and support two kids. He said that my life is about to turn in to S real quick and that this is all my fault. I'm more terrified that he is right than anything else. I don't want my kids to have to go through that but I can't leave them with him he will try to keep them from me out of spite or worse get some random broad he finds to help take care of them. I don't know what he is capable of at this point. I don't want to drag them down with me but I can't leave them here with him. This is becoming a little too intense for me. he has never been this bad before.
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post #52 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 12:13 AM
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

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If I do that right now it would be all out warfare.
What is it that if you do it, it would be all out warfare?
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Originally Posted by lostnlonely View Post
I am not ready yet I have nothing. He keeps saying that I'm going to end up in a women's shelter because I can't support myself nor will I find a job to pay bills and support two kids. He said that my life is about to turn in to S real quick and that this is all my fault. I'm more terrified that he is right than anything else. I don't want my kids to have to go through that but I can't leave them with him he will try to keep them from me out of spite or worse get some random broad he finds to help take care of them. I don't know what he is capable of at this point. I don't want to drag them down with me but I can't leave them here with him. This is becoming a little too intense for me. he has never been this bad before.
It sounds to me like heís planning on divorcing you and is keeping the details quiet until he has you served. You need to see an attorney ASAP to get ahead of him. You donít need to file. I just mean you need to know what to do to protect yourself and your children. You need to learn your rights. I cannot say that enough to you.

If either one of you files for divorce, he is going to have to support you and the children until the divorce is final. Since you have been together for so long, you can ask for rehabilitative spousal support for some period so you can get training that will allow you to earn more.

He is sounding scary to me. Seriously. This is getting to be more than someone just saying some mean stuff occasionally.

Please get into counseling at a domestic abuse/violence organization. They will help you know what you can do.

Did you suggest to him that he have the kids DNA tested?
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post #53 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:43 PM
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

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Of course not everything is domestic abuse. I'm not stupid.

Of course there are two sides to every story. Again I'm not stupid.

Here on TAM, we go by what a person tells us.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is to get a person to seek outside help in their real life. Then professionals who know the OP and hopefully her husband can assess the situation.
I read your post and it reeks of, everything is the other persons fault. She could be needling the **** out of her husband causing him to act out, withholding sex, etc etc etc. I have spent a ungodly amount of time in family court with friends testifying etc, I will say this, Women are more guilty of abuse in the marriage then most people would ever be willing to admit.
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post #54 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 04:02 PM
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

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I read your post and it reeks of, everything is the other persons fault. She could be needling the **** out of her husband causing him to act out, withholding sex, etc etc etc. I have spent a ungodly amount of time in family court with friends testifying etc, I will say this, Women are more guilty of abuse in the marriage then most people would ever be willing to admit.
There is no excuse for following her around calling her names and accusing her of cheating. That is abusive. Threatening her with destitution. That is abusive. I don't care of she pissed on his pillow. There is no excuse for his behavior. If she were doing something terrible to him (like pissing on his pillow), there are non-abusive ways of handling the situation.

If you think there is a valid reason for a husband to treat his wife the way that this woman is being treated, it is likely that you should take a good long look in the mirror and consider your wife's complaints rather than dismissing them and blaming her for all your problems.

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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #55 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 04:51 PM
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

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I read your post and it reeks of, everything is the other persons fault. She could be needling the **** out of her husband causing him to act out, withholding sex, etc etc etc. I have spent a ungodly amount of time in family court with friends testifying etc, I will say this, Women are more guilty of abuse in the marriage then most people would ever be willing to admit.
I am quite aware that women can be abusive in relationships. I've seen it often. Just as I've seen the other way around as well.

No, she cannot cause her husband to act out in the way she describes his actions. He is an adult human. He has 100% control over his actions. There is no excuse for the behavior of his that she describes.

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post #56 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:44 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

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What is it that if you do it, it would be all out warfare?

It sounds to me like heís planning on divorcing you and is keeping the details quiet until he has you served. You need to see an attorney ASAP to get ahead of him. You donít need to file. I just mean you need to know what to do to protect yourself and your children. You need to learn your rights. I cannot say that enough to you.

If either one of you files for divorce, he is going to have to support you and the children until the divorce is final. Since you have been together for so long, you can ask for rehabilitative spousal support for some period so you can get training that will allow you to earn more.

He is sounding scary to me. Seriously. This is getting to be more than someone just saying some mean stuff occasionally.

Please get into counseling at a domestic abuse/violence organization. They will help you know what you can do.

Did you suggest to him that he have the kids DNA tested?
Yes I suggested it to him. He said he is going to and that was that. He is scary. He has been worse and worse to me as the days go by. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. What's distressing most to me is that this came out of no where to me. He claims he hasn't been happy for a while because he can't get over what I did but I mean nobody waits 10 years for revenge. When He called me a ***** I pointed out to him that I wasn't a ***** when I was supporting him through prison. He exploded about me throwing it in his face. I was only trying to state that emotionally I was there for him the entire time and he acts like it means nothing to him. He says i'm a horrible person and a liar among other choice words and I just don't see how he can think that of me when he knows the type of person I am. I'm not perfect but to him I tried to be and he acts as if I'm a street walker behind his back.
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post #57 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:47 PM
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Going to get help and to figure out a plan is not going to make things worse. He will not know that yo are seeking help until you are ready and able to move into a better/safer situation.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #58 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

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Going to get help and to figure out a plan is not going to make things worse. He will not know that yo are seeking help until you are ready and able to move into a better/safer situation.
I can't take the kids with me for obvious reasons and if I'm not going to work he will wonder where I am going and why the kids can't come with me. I normally take them with me everywhere i got. he will think or accuse me of cheating on him and get worse in behavior or think im seeing lawyers behind his back an jump in to action that much sooner. Thats why Im afraid and feel trapped. that is why he has all the power. He will assume the worse and react
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post #59 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:09 PM
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Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

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I can't take the kids with me for obvious reasons and if I'm not going to work he will wonder where I am going and why the kids can't come with me. I normally take them with me everywhere i got. he will think or accuse me of cheating on him and get worse in behavior or think im seeing lawyers behind his back an jump in to action that much sooner. Thats why Im afraid and feel trapped. that is why he has all the power. He will assume the worse and react
I'm not following you. It's not obvious to me why you can't take the children with you. Please explain.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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