I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

View Poll Results: Did I cheat or is he using it as a smoke screen for stress release
Yes, You must have Cheated 0 0%
It is possible that you could have cheated on him but I'm not sure 0 0%
No you didn't cheat on him. You made a bad decision by remaining friends. 3 21.43%
No but he is using this situation as a crutch to emotionally abusing you 11 78.57%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 14. You may not vote on this poll

User Tag List

 31Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 01:18 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 20
Unhappy He wants to leave me for something that happened 12 years ago

I need help on what to do with my marriage. this is going to be a long one as i'm going to be completely honest and give the entire back story. I love my husband and have been with him for 16 years married for only 1. When we were younger about 17 and 20 years old he went to prison for 3 years. I promised that I'd wait for him and I did. I wrote him everyday for the first two years and about every week or so during the third year ( My life had become busy and I was working crazy hours as a waitress to save enough money for us to have a place by the time he got out that following year) During this time I made friends at my new job which was a relief because I had been totally alone during the first two years.

I had cut everyone off and was severely depressed from missing him even though I saw him every two weeks. During the last year my friends consisted of a female and a male. Now the male I was comfortable with because I had no reason to think he wanted me in that way. So one day he offered to pick me up for work and I said sure that would be nice (since it saved me $6 on a cab) The day he came to pick me up I told him wait here and went to get ready. He came up stairs and started talking to me about normal non sense then out of no where he kissed me. I never ever led him on. When he realized It was not a mutual feeling he apologized and I accepted ( Now I feel I should have throw him out) so we left and went to work.

I started to distance myself from him at that point. I felt I needed to tell my husband because we didn't keep secrets from one another. So I did and he was upset obviously but he understood that it was totally one sided and I apologized profusely. Of course he demanded I stay away from him and I did until the man in question started dating my best friend at the time and he would come around with her sometimes. Now I didn't see the problem with this as I was not interested in him and he was dating my friend. So we all hung out together. My husband finally came home and I had a place ready for us and I thought we were fine. I introduced him to my friends and he seemed fine with it for months. Now I knew I couldn't afford to keep the apartment up alone and told him that he needed to get a job. He wasn't really trying much and after a few months and an eviction notice I lost it.

I admit that I began to belittle him and shame him as I was frustrated and it was the only way I thought at the time that he would make the extra effort. Through it all we still managed to stay together even after we got evicted and spent two years living with different family members until we got ourselves together (Mind you during this time I got pregnant and had a baby who was 1 by the time we got our own place) After about a year he started messaging a woman we both knew but weren't friends with. I have bad blood with her from us being teens. He claims he never slept with her but I didn't believe it then and I don't now.

However I never ever brought it up after we had the initial issue of me discovering the messages. I tend to let go of things once i'm passed it. At this point I don't think he was cheating he was always home when not at work (he is a homebody) Now I have asked him through out the course of our relationship to no contact this woman and he will agree but 6 months or some years will go by and he is back to texting her always insisting their friends. So suddenly he starts Accusing me of having sex and emotional affair with the guy I was talking about that I worked with. Now this was 7 years ago at this point but he keeps insisting that it happened. he has made up his mind about that and won't let it go.

he refuses to believe me saying that my actions lead him to believe that I did it but I know that I didn't. Now this is an on and off argument with him it has been 3 years now and he will find any reason to fight about it and bring it up. two months before our wedding he went insane because I ran in to an old friend while we were out together. I knew this guy way before him that I hadn't seen in 10 years. We were only ever friends never anything more even before my husband. Once I got with my husband I stopped even seeing him then he moved away.

So I see this friend and he has a mess of hair on his face and I jokingly grab his beard and make a pirate joke. My husband storms off practically leaving me and accuses me of being a thot ( *****). we got in to a huge fight and he brought up the other thing again as well saying I was a no good ***** and he was leaving me.( Also by this point we have had baby number two and this all took place on valentines day) So after two weeks of fighting and him constantly being hurtful and calling me horrible names we managed to work it out. we bought our first home and got married ( We weren't married before because he wanted to be financially stable first) So we move in and everything is fine and happy. Now almost a year later he is accusing me again of cheating on him and belittling him when we were younger and being disrespectful and not loyal and a deceitful *****.

He says that it is over and he wants a divorce. he said he never should have married me and that he hates me. He says that he doesn't have a life because he never goes any where (he is a homebody nobody forces him to stay home. he works over night and sleeps all day) and that it is all my fault. I know he is stressed because of the bills and I know stress is his trigger to treat me this way and act out. So I went out and got a job to help out ( I'm a stay at home mother. His choice not mine. whenever I get a job he claims he can't watch the kids and work and that it is too much for him ect. he doesn't trust daycare's or baby sitters) I have tried talking to him and hearing him out I have even apologized for what he thinks I did even though I know I didn't do anything. He is adamant about not being with me and I have checked all his phones and texts and even the phone bill so I know he is not Cheating on me ( I know it was wrong but this came out of no where and I had to know so went through his stuff) I'm a good wife to him.

I take care of him and I'm always will to be intimate. I'm not perfect. Sometimes when he attacks me I attack back because it can be so brutal. I say things just as mean to him when I am feeling attacked. I know that he loves me. I'm not sure if he is in love with me anymore however. I just don't know what to do and need some advice on how assuming I can fix this. Our children have no idea its bad between us and I love him so much so I feel like I'm being forced out of a life I built. I also don't want to have ruin my girls happy life over something I didn't do but he can't seem to let go of. Any advice or help would be appreciated.

He won't go to counseling and I know there is no way I can get him to attend a workshop of any sort. Even if we managed to get back to a good place he wouldn't go. he thinks it is all bs and he is one of those people where he is right and the world is wrong. I just feel so lost and alone. When he is home he pretends i'm not there unless he needs me to get the kids to stop doing something. when he does speak to me it is only to yell at me and belittle me and continue to dissect something that happened years ago that I can barely remember now. He swears that he just can't get over it and i'm not who he thought I was that he doesn't even know me because the woman he knew wouldn't have allowed that to happen. I'm so lost he is throwing away our beautiful family because of something that he thinks I did and can't seem to get past. Even after all this time.


Last edited by EleGirl; 03-11-2017 at 04:27 PM. Reason: Added paragraphs so the post can be read
lostnlonely is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 01:57 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,328
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

I'm confused. Has your husband left you? Or is he talking about leaving you?
EleGirl is offline  
post #3 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 01:59 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 20
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Threatening to leave. This isn't his first time to say it but he is being total irrational about it and I think this time he may be serious
lostnlonely is offline  
 
post #4 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 01:59 PM
Member
 
She'sStillGotIt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Back east
Posts: 589
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

My vote is the guy is a loser who you never should have wasted your time on in the first place. You wasted 3 years working your fingers to the bone to provide this jailbird with a place to live after he was sprung - and the ungrateful asshat apparently thought he was above working for a living like you, and sat around all day until you lost that home and had to live with relatives for the next few years.

That ALONE tells you how he lacks character and integrity.

Your poll is ridiculous because you didn't DO anything. Dealing with the mental cripple you chose to marry is your real problem, not defending yourself against trumped up lunacy from your husband.. He's a liar (big surprise there) and a manipulator who continually accuses YOU of cheating because he's doing it. Cheaters very often accuse their betrayed spouses of doing exactly what they're doing - cheating. He's just another paranoid cheater looking to throw all the blame onto you and make you the bad guy.
Quote:
So I see this friend and he has a mess of hair on his face and I jokingly grab his beard and make a pirate joke. My husband storms off practically leaving me and accuses me of being a thot ( *****). we got in to a huge fight and he brought up the other thing again as well saying I was a no good ***** and he was leaving me
I don't know what a 'thot' is, but your husband is not sound mentally. He's not. Normal people do NOT act like this.

The next time the assclown threatens to leave you, open the door wide for him. Stop begging this lunatic to treat you right. He's incapable of doing that.
She'sStillGotIt is offline  
post #5 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:04 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,328
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

I merged your two threads. Only one thread allowed on a topic. I left it in this forum because from what you say you did not cheat.
EleGirl is offline  
post #6 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:04 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 20
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Thank you for that. I do love him thought I probably shouldn't. I'm not making excuses for him because I think exactly what you say everyday. I just don't want to ruin my kids family. He is a wonderful father and was a wonderful husband until I apparently disgusted him with my past.
lostnlonely is offline  
post #7 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:05 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,328
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

I'm curious. What percentage of your joint income are you earning now?
EleGirl is offline  
post #8 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:09 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,328
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Quote:
Originally Posted by lostnlonely View Post
Thank you for that. I do love him thought I probably shouldn't. I'm not making excuses for him because I think exactly what you say everyday. I just don't want to ruin my kids family. He is a wonderful father and was a wonderful husband until I apparently disgusted him with my past.
What was he in prison for?

It sounds like he was disgusted with your past while he was in prison and acted out on it pretty much soon after that.

Have you ever tried to figure out about him cheating. My bet is that he does cheat and is using the little bit he has on you to justify his cheating to himself.
EleGirl is offline  
post #9 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:12 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 20
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Basically non he makes over 100k a year. I just started my job a week ago and only stand to make about 20 before taxes. I just wanted to help out with the bills so he wouldn't be stressed. If he leaves me I'm screwed. It's his house and I have no family to speak of.
lostnlonely is offline  
post #10 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:15 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 20
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

He went for Robbery. he actually didn't do it. I can say it because he was with me at the time. His friend said he was with him and the son of the victim hated my husband at the time and backed up the story. He decided to take a deal instead of taking it to trail because the DA wouldn't accept me as an alibi because I was his girlfriend and it was 2 against 1.

lostnlonely is offline  
post #11 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:17 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,328
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Quote:
Originally Posted by lostnlonely View Post
Basically non he makes over 100k a year. I just started my job a week ago and only stand to make about 20 before taxes. I just wanted to help out with the bills so he wouldn't be stressed. If he leaves me I'm screwed. It's his house and I have no family to speak of.
Why is it his house?

Do the two of you have joint accounts?
EleGirl is offline  
post #12 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:20 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 20
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

The way we went about purchasing the house I was unable to go on the paperwork. I was on it originally however the lawyer said that since we are not married and I am not taking out the loan with him that I cannot go on the paperwork. I wasn't working at the time because we had had our second daughter. We don't have joint bank accounts because we never saw the point. I had my own and he had his. Which is crazy now that I think about it because I handle everything with the hours and bill financially. He just pays for it all.
lostnlonely is offline  
post #13 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:23 PM
Member
 
2ntnuf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 13,997
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

I couldn't tell you if you cheated or not. I find it difficult to believe anyone these days. You say he cheated. Should I believe that? I don't know.

Let's take this hypothetically.

Scenario 1: He cheated. You didn't.

Tell him you want a divorce. Start the 180. See an attorney.


Scenario 2: You cheated. He didn't.

I'd tell him the same as you.


Scenario 3: You both cheated.

If anyone is unhappy enough to cheat, they should get out.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
2ntnuf is offline  
post #14 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:34 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 81
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Sorry you feel sad and neglected. I think you can do much better without this a'hole of a husband. It seems you have been for all practical purposes on your own during most of your relationship with him. I think he is doing something with that woman and is using your honesty as a ruse to validate his actions. Better to get someone to check on it soon. I think money is not a problem. You are a strong woman and he need to support you and kids if this result in a separation eventually. From what you say it would not make much difference to you and even it will have some positive effects on you. Better to get your loved ones involved and a likelihood of a separation if this goes on will end his cockiness and shock him to his senses.
curious234 is offline  
post #15 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:39 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,328
Re: I need to know if I'm going nuts so please take my poll

Quote:
Originally Posted by lostnlonely View Post
The way we went about purchasing the house I was unable to go on the paperwork. I was on it originally however the lawyer said that since we are not married and I am not taking out the loan with him that I cannot go on the paperwork. I wasn't working at the time because we had had our second daughter. We don't have joint bank accounts because we never saw the point. I had my own and he had his. Which is crazy now that I think about it because I handle everything with the hours and bill financially. He just pays for it all.
A lot of this depends on your state. You might have a claim to a portion of the equity in the house.

If you divorce, he will be paying you child support.

Have you considered going back to school to get some job skills that pay a decent wage? Even a vocational track for something like xray tech.... or some thing else that interests you?
EleGirl is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My parents are driving me NUTS adegirl2016 The Family & Parenting Forums 12 01-11-2017 01:19 PM
"You don't get it" ... am I nuts? withatwist General Relationship Discussion 45 09-07-2016 08:30 PM
POLL: What is your top male love language? thread the needle The Men's Clubhouse 11 03-01-2016 05:55 PM
valentine's day sex poll dino3120 Sex in Marriage 33 02-17-2016 06:13 PM
A quick poll on your Gender planewalker1 Coping with Infidelity 42 02-17-2016 09:10 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome