We live together, but don't speak - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 06:11 PM
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Re: We live together, but don't speak

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Originally Posted by imtired View Post
I do have some joy with my kids. But even that is overshadowed with everything else.

Aside from the kids, financially we can't make it separately. We own a home together, and living separately would cost twice as much. We just don't have it.

I did write out some thoughts and emailed him today. He states my hurtful words, and the fact that I think so little of him is something he can't overcome.And he's not willing to try.

Our children have never known him as anything but caring. The abuse happened before them. And I would never tell them.

It's a crap situation. Not ideal for either of us, or the kids. But divorce would mean one of us would be homeless. We do not have friends, and are not near family.

I appreciate all the responses. I will try to make the best of it. Maybe something will change some day. Death comes before you know it anyways.
That is one of the saddest things I have ever heard. There are always options, they just take work to find them and implement them. Go talk with a counselor or someone who can guide you, believe me when I say you can have a happy live, but it's not going to just come to you, you have to go build it.

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post #17 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 07:19 PM
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Re: We live together, but don't speak

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About two and a half weeks ago, my husband and I just stopped speaking.

We have been married for over 15 years and have several children together. Our marriage has never been ideal. There's a history of lying, cheating and abuse on his part. I spent years trying to get him to pay more attention to me, value me, but I gave up on that a long time ago. And how we have both just resigned to not caring.

Divorce is not an option for the sake of our children. And because of our work schedules we don't see each other for more than 2 hours a day anyway. Doesn't look like either of us is going to budge, and make any type of attempt to fix this situation.

I am not saying that I'm perfect, or blameless in this situation. My lack of caring over the last several years has led to me withholding affection, and saying very hurtful things.

I have no expectation that this will be fixed. What I want to know is, can two people live this way long term? I'm incredibly lonely but, seeking a relationship outside of his marriage is not an option either. In my heart I do believe that eventually we will divorce, but not until the children move out of the house, which may take 15 years.
NO, you can't live this way long term.

And, take it from someone who "stayed for the kids"...DON'T DO IT! I was in the fantasy world that believed staying was best for the kids. NO, not the case. Kids are way smarter than you think and pick up on EVERYTHING! In fact, my oldest had zero respect for me for staying with me ex as long as I did. Since we split, our relationship is great (with my oldest, not my ex).
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post #18 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 07:21 PM
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Re: We live together, but don't speak

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It's so hard, I don't feel he cares any more , I know i am tired of trying , but no one is going anywhere , we don't believe in divorce


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So you'd rather be miserable for eternity?
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post #19 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:41 AM
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Re: We live together, but don't speak

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Originally Posted by imtired View Post
I do have some joy with my kids. But even that is overshadowed with everything else.

Aside from the kids, financially we can't make it separately. We own a home together, and living separately would cost twice as much. We just don't have it.

I did write out some thoughts and emailed him today. He states my hurtful words, and the fact that I think so little of him is something he can't overcome.And he's not willing to try.

Our children have never known him as anything but caring. The abuse happened before them. And I would never tell them.

It's a crap situation. Not ideal for either of us, or the kids. But divorce would mean one of us would be homeless. We do not have friends, and are not near family.

I appreciate all the responses. I will try to make the best of it. Maybe something will change some day. Death comes before you know it anyways.
Yes you can make it alone, millions do. You would have to both get an apartment maybe and live on a smaller budget and both work full time, or one of you could move to be nearer family. However, you can do it, you just dont want to, that's your choice, but your children are suffering living in such an unhappy miserable house. What sort of picture are you both giving them of a good functional healthy marriage?
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post #20 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 04:20 AM
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Re: We live together, but don't speak

No marriage is beyond repair. It may take a lot of work and a lot of time for the relationship to be restored but I think it is very possible. I think you have to be the bigger person and start speaking. You may think that you can pretend for the sake of the kids but children are very smart and notice interactions between their parents. They can probably sense there is no love there. I think you should really pray about it (if you believe in prayer) and ask God for strength you so you are able to put your pride aside. Just start by trying to befriend your husband. You may be rejected but its better to try that to live in misery. There's nothing worse than being under the same roof with your husband and feeling totally alone. At least think about your kids and their future. You never want them thinking that it's normal to have a marriage where both parents don't communicate. You run the risk of passing that on to your children and believe it or not, it will later affect them when they get married... I know from experience.
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post #21 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:04 AM
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Re: We live together, but don't speak

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No marriage is beyond repair.
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post #22 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:22 AM
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Re: We live together, but don't speak

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Originally Posted by ColoradoGram View Post
It's so hard, I don't feel he cares any more , I know i am tired of trying , but no one is going anywhere , we don't believe in divorce


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Do you believe in happiness?
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post #23 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:42 AM
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Re: We live together, but don't speak

Quote:
Originally Posted by imtired View Post
About two and a half weeks ago, my husband and I just stopped speaking.

We have been married for over 15 years and have several children together. Our marriage has never been ideal. There's a history of lying, cheating and abuse on his part. I spent years trying to get him to pay more attention to me, value me, but I gave up on that a long time ago. And how we have both just resigned to not caring.

Divorce is not an option for the sake of our children. And because of our work schedules we don't see each other for more than 2 hours a day anyway. Doesn't look like either of us is going to budge, and make any type of attempt to fix this situation.

I am not saying that I'm perfect, or blameless in this situation. My lack of caring over the last several years has led to me withholding affection, and saying very hurtful things.

I have no expectation that this will be fixed. What I want to know is, can two people live this way long term? I'm incredibly lonely but, seeking a relationship outside of his marriage is not an option either. In my heart I do believe that eventually we will divorce, but not until the children move out of the house, which may take 15 years.
I understand I'm probably wasting my time saying this but....

01. Depression?
02. Alcohol?
03. Are you or your husband the children of alcoholics?
04. Are you willing to make a change?
05. Are you strong enough to be the change you seek?
06. Do you have a picture of what you want your life to become?
07. Is your husband in that picture?

There is opportunity in every low point in life. Thus when people say "he/she hit bottom". Where is the opportunity
and where does one begin. Obviously you have to talk. The problem with talking is that you will simply say the same things
you have been saying. You will make no change that way.

There is a lot of information to suggest that NOT talking is an opportunity if viewed in the best way. People have written entire novels
by blinking their eyes or moving a single finger. A famous Yogi named Baba Harri Dass quit talking. His reasoning was that too many
words get in the way. He took a child's chalkboard and wrote everything on the board. This forced a discipline on him as the space was
small and the process slow. Writing sets up a block between what you think and how quickly the words come out of your mouth.

The result is that you only write what is important and self censor negativity.

Hand your partner a chalk board and a box of chalk. You do it too. Make a point. Hanging out in the misery space you find yourself in
is no way to live a life.
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