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post #16 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 09:36 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

What was your career field before you quit to be a SAHM?

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post #17 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

I was a computer programmer/analyst. I wont go back to doing that. I couldn't do that and be there for my daughter.

I started this post because my husband had texted me one night after drinking and was complaining about work related stuff. I thought he was going to bed when suddenly he starts hinting at wanting something sexual from me. It was his night and my morning. I was getting ready to take my daughter out to a class. I suggested he close his eyes and use his imagination. I was obviously not in the mood to give him anything more. He decided to get pissy about it.

The next day he whined that he needed me to want him. I was understanding and chatted with him and I needed some time to get my thoughts together to discuss with him the same things I have tried to discuss with him in the past. I wanted to talk to a therapist about a letter that I decided to write to him. I ended up talking to him about some things before I could send the letter. I was trying to explain how I feel about our lack of emotional connection. He claims to give me what I want. I was trying to point out an example of how some of his regular behavior negatively impacts our relationship. I brought up the incident which I described in my first post. He got defensive about it. He refused to acknowledge that he should not be getting angry with me like that ever and also hurt me by badmouthing me to his sister. He then shut down and separated from me. This has happened many times. Earlier in the conversation, he was claiming to care about me, but because of his inability to face reality, he decided he doesn't care.

I am constantly baffled by why I am treated this way. I tell him that more than likely my aversion to sex is partly due to how I am treated. His idea of sex, btw, is all about ideas he gets from watching porn. It doesn't feel like love to me. I feel like an object being pushed and pulled into weird positions, etc. He once got super angry with me because I wasn't interested in giving him oral sex while he was driving, with my daughter sleeping in the back seat, and it was 2 am. He said I wasn't spontaneous or adventurous. Wtf??

I am very depressed and have basically lost myself. I am an attractive woman and appear fine on the outside. It gets exhausting walking around faking my life every day. I have yet to find someone I can go to to help guide me back to good mental health. That is what I need right now. I am in no way strong enough to just break out on my own under the circumstances.
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post #18 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:36 AM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

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Originally Posted by DepressedHusband View Post
Sounds like he is suffering from PTSD, many men never come back from that island.
That's what I was wondering. Or he could just be a huge a-hole. I think PTSD could explain over-reacting to things like the wife nicely asking about changing plans. Not sure it could explain him moving her out of the bedroom or staying angry when he's away for so long.
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post #19 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 07:33 AM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

Stop using your kid as an excuse for why you CAN'T work and CAN'T support yourself and CAN'T leave the house, for God's sakes.

She's 10 years old, not an infant. You're clinging to her and using her as your excuse to do absolutely NOTHING about every rotten thing in your life.

No, she DOESN'T need to be home schooled and is missing out on a lot because you CHOOSE to isolate her at home for her education while moving all over the country with an abusive jackass. Again, that's what you CHOOSE to do because you refuse to better your situation - for HER or yourself.

Just because you don't want to go back to your prior career doesn't mean you can't use all this downtime to take some college courses and train to do something else you would like. When you continually CHOOSE to make yourself dependent on someone financially, you have ZERO options.

ZERO.

Your excuses for doing nothing are so lame.
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post #20 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:45 AM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

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I'd let him know that if he wishes to separate he can start looking for an apartment and that the only planning you'll be doing is changing the locks in your home since he will no longer live there.

He sounds like a controlling jerk who has adult temper tantrums. No way should you have to put up with that.
Great advice, as is most of yours, however she'll never be able to do it. Not without years of counseling and a strong support network in place from friends and family.

If she can't even bolster the strength to say "screw you I'm not leaving the bedroom just because you want me out" you think she can do any of the things you suggested?

It's hard for those of us with confidence, inner strength and self esteem to understand how another adult human being can allow themselves to tolerate such abuse for so long, I sure as heck can't understand it, but from reading stories like this, I get it. It's a slow process to turn around if it ever does at all.
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post #21 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:04 AM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
Stop using your kid as an excuse for why you CAN'T work and CAN'T support yourself and CAN'T leave the house, for God's sakes.

She's 10 years old, not an infant. You're clinging to her and using her as your excuse to do absolutely NOTHING about every rotten thing in your life.

No, she DOESN'T need to be home schooled and is missing out on a lot because you CHOOSE to isolate her at home for her education while moving all over the country with an abusive jackass. Again, that's what you CHOOSE to do because you refuse to better your situation - for HER or yourself.

Just because you don't want to go back to your prior career doesn't mean you can't use all this downtime to take some college courses and train to do something else you would like. When you continually CHOOSE to make yourself dependent on someone financially, you have ZERO options.

ZERO.

Your excuses for doing nothing are so lame.
This is a harsh way to put it but I agree, you are making excuses to stay in this abusive relationship OP.

My mother has been in a physically/emotionally abusive relationship with my father for over 30 years. Even she has finally admitted that she used us as an excuse to stay all these years. Yet her situation was much worse; she had 6 of us children all 2 years apart, only secondary school education and she never got the intermittent breaks that you're being afforded with your husband being away on duty.

You need to stop making excuses and take your daughter's present and future mental health more seriously. There are shelters and help lines with people who want to help people just like you. If not for you, do this for your own daughter OP. Do you want her to end up with a man like her father? To continue the cycle that you're starting now by accepting this treatment from your husband? Or worse, do you want her to look back and be disgusted with you for the home environment you forced her to live in and for your submissiveness? Is this the legacy you really want to leave behind?
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post #22 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:20 AM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

I added a new signature yesterday.
I think it's pretty apt for your situation, OP.

It's easy to become bogged down in the hopelessness of a situation, but at the present you are the only one capable of making a better life for you and your daughter.

I have no issues with SAHP's, however I do think it's in the best interest of anyone who is spending years child-minding and rearing to ensure that they are doing their best to be in a "ready" state to return to employment if needed. Not only does it help the household financially, but it helps to improve your mood and self-worth. It gets you socializing with others and that may lead to sympathy or suggestions to help you on your journey.

Doing nothing and staying stagnant means that you accept things will not change. I doubt that you truly want for things to remain the same, or you would not have posted here.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #23 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:23 AM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

He's in the military. Avail yourself of all the help they offer to wives. He's in the military - you're not. You do not have to abide by their rules of subordination.

You're in this situation because you choose to be. There are options for you if you explore.
@Emerging Buddhist, can you offer some insight?

Last edited by Blondilocks; 03-13-2017 at 09:26 AM. Reason: typo
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post #24 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:58 AM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

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Great advice, as is most of yours, however she'll never be able to do it. Not without years of counseling and a strong support network in place from friends and family.

If she can't even bolster the strength to say "screw you I'm not leaving the bedroom just because you want me out" you think she can do any of the things you suggested?

It's hard for those of us with confidence, inner strength and self esteem to understand how another adult human being can allow themselves to tolerate such abuse for so long, I sure as heck can't understand it, but from reading stories like this, I get it. It's a slow process to turn around if it ever does at all.
I hope it helps her to hear our perspectives. Sometimes when you're stuck in a situation, it's hard to see what others see.
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post #25 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:58 AM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

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I was a computer programmer/analyst. I wont go back to doing that. I couldn't do that and be there for my daughter.
I'm a software engineer. Worked full time and raised 3 children and was the primary (only) breadwinner. I'm not sure why you feel that you cannot go back to being a computer programmer/analyst and be there for your daughter.

You could take a few college courses, or get an MS degree, to bring you up to date.

Your daughter would benefit more from seeing her mother be a strong woman who does not put up with being abused than she benefits from home schooling.

How many friends her own age does your daughter have? What sort of community and school activities is she involved in?

I know it's hard to get back out there to work, back into the community, etc after being a SHAM for so long. But you need to do it. It's pretty clear that your husband plans on divorcing you. It's a lot better that you make the initiative and use the next few months while he is gone to get ready for whatever he throws at you when he's back in town.

Does your husband ever complain that you are not working?

Does he ever complain that you depend too much on him? I'm wondering if part of the problem he has is that you have become so dependent, so isolated, that he feels like you are pulling him down emotionally. Even if he feels this way, it does not justify his behavior. But it might explain it.

Is your husband an officer or enlisted?

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post #26 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

I just wrote a long reply and it got deleted because I wasn't logged in.

Thank you for all of your replies. I am extremely depressed. Telling me to go get a job and get divorced is unrealistic. My daughter is very self motivated and super bright. We belong to some groups and she goes to some group classes during the week. This illusion of sending her to public school because that's what everyone else does doesn't work for me for numerous reasons.

I was a very self sufficient adult since I was 18, I have always been employed, living on my own (literally alone except for the first two years with my sister). I am not a needy person nor does my husband feel I am needy or too dependent. The fact that I want to stay home and homeschool her is not a problem in our marriage. He does leave everything up to me, though, because he thinks I have the time to do everything. I want to start a new hobby this spring and I claimed a corner of the garage when we moved in. He ignored my request and put his stuff there. The odd thing is that it seems deliberate, but he always encourages me to have a hobby, so wtf??? He toys with me to challenge me. I am sure he us thinking that if I really want that corner, I will move his stuff out if the way. This is not far fetched. He has set up things to challenge me in the past. He even says so in so many words sometimes. If I actually succeed, he congratulates me. It feels very odd and not loving.

My husband only complains about me during situations where he feels the need for respect. Now, this is not a normal demand of respect. It's like something ticks inside his brain and he suddenly feels an urge to throw a fit and get angry with me. He treats me like I am the enemy and he demands I say I am sorry and he dictates what I should say to him. He seems suddenly very insecure and acts very immaturely. Here is a very small example of how disrespectful and fragile he is. We were staying with my family and we were at my parents house. I was finishing up getting ready to go to my HS reunion, he was standing by the door where I was putting makeup on and he was making exaggerated sighing noises and snoring noises. I shut the door. He ran away from the house. My Mom and I drove around looking for him. He finally did get in the car, but I think if my Mom wasn't there, he would have dragged it on. That behavior is very frustrating and immature to me. I let it go that night because I wanted to enjoy the reunion.
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post #27 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:31 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

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I just wrote a long reply and it got deleted because I wasn't logged in.
I often write my posts in MS Word and then cut/paste them into the TAM post window because of such issues. Just a thought….
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Originally Posted by honestgirl View Post
Thank you for all of your replies. I am extremely depressed. Telling me to go get a job and get divorced is unrealistic. My daughter is very self motivated and super bright. We belong to some groups and she goes to some group classes during the week. This illusion of sending her to public school because that's what everyone else does doesn't work for me for numerous reasons.
The only reason that anyone on here is suggesting that you might need to put your daughter in regular school and get a job is that what you have posted makes it sound like your husband is planning on divorcing you. If he does this, you are going to have to go back to work.
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I was a very self sufficient adult since I was 18, I have always been employed, living on my own (literally alone except for the first two years with my sister). I am not a needy person nor does my husband feel I am needy or too dependent. The fact that I want to stay home and homeschool her is not a problem in our marriage. He does leave everything up to me, though, because he thinks I have the time to do everything. I want to start a new hobby this spring and I claimed a corner of the garage when we moved in. He ignored my request and put his stuff there. The odd thing is that it seems deliberate, but he always encourages me to have a hobby, so wtf??? He toys with me to challenge me. I am sure he us thinking that if I really want that corner, I will move his stuff out if the way. This is not far fetched. He has set up things to challenge me in the past. He even says so in so many words sometimes. If I actually succeed, he congratulates me. It feels very odd and not loving.


My husband only complains about me during situations where he feels the need for respect. Now, this is not a normal demand of respect. It's like something ticks inside his brain and he suddenly feels an urge to throw a fit and get angry with me. He treats me like I am the enemy and he demands I say I am sorry and he dictates what I should say to him. He seems suddenly very insecure and acts very immaturely. Here is a very small example of how disrespectful and fragile he is. We were staying with my family and we were at my parents house. I was finishing up getting ready to go to my HS reunion, he was standing by the door where I was putting makeup on and he was making exaggerated sighing noises and snoring noises. I shut the door. He ran away from the house. My Mom and I drove around looking for him. He finally did get in the car, but I think if my Mom wasn't there, he would have dragged it on. That behavior is very frustrating and immature to me. I let it go that night because I wanted to enjoy the reunion.
Ok…. yea that is beyond immature.
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post #28 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:34 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

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He ran away from the house. My Mom and I drove around looking for him. He finally did get in the car, but I think if my Mom wasn't there, he would have dragged it on. That behavior is very frustrating and immature to me. I let it go that night because I wanted to enjoy the reunion.
If you do nothing else to improve your situation, the next time he runs away don't go looking for him.
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post #29 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:47 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

OP, I love being a SAHM and know there are MANY well-proven benefits to homeschooling.

However, you need to look at your marriage and ask yourself if you're willing to live like this for the next 8 years (until your daughter is 18). Something needs to change. How you let your husband treat you is the standard you've set.

I highly recommend boundaries.
1. The next time he physically/sexually assaults you, go to his superior. Demand mental counseling for him.
2. If you separate from him, he will be required to support you until you can get on your feet. Know this- use it to your advantage.
3. Do not pursue him, chase him, prepare anything for him.
4. The next time he has an angry outburst, demand he leave the home and if he won't, take your daughter and stay somewhere safe. Only return home/allow him to return home after he begins anger treatment.

You've got to set the bar higher, and it doesn't immediately mean you have to divorce him, put your child in ps, and work full-time. You have options.
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post #30 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:01 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

Your husband is an angry, abusive ass, and nothing you can do will change it. Until you are willing to actually get out of the marriage, this is your life. You are making the choice to live this way, and you are subjecting your child to this as well. All the excuses you come up with as to why you "cant" get out affect your child's well being.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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