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post #31 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:30 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

I was a military wife myself for 13 years.

There are COUNTLESS resources out there for you. COUNTLESS. I suggest you look them up.

You say you "can't" divorce because you are older and depressed and have a kid and yadda, yadda.

Well guess what? You are choosing misery.

I divorced my active duty enlisted military ex, FOUR kids, a major move, and we have all managed to live through it. And although I have yet to succeed in my love life, my CHILDREN have succeeded very nicely. (My youngest was barely 8 when we split, older 3 are now grown and gone.....raised largely by myself.)

Do you really think that you are positively teaching your daughter how a man is supposed to treat her by staying with this "husband" of yours? Think on that.


"Always man needs woman for his friend. He needs her clearer vision, her subtler insight, her softer thought, her winged soul, her pure and tender heart. Always woman needs man to be her friend. She needs the vigor of his purpose, the ardor of his will, his calmer judgment, his braver force of action, his reverence and his devotion." ~Mary C. Adams
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post #32 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

GA Heart, did you have family and/or friends support? Where did you live? My husband would absolutely refuse to move out of the house. We also own a lot of stuff. Two rental homes, two trucks, a car, three motorcycles, etc. If I leave, he will continue to stay in this big house paying more than our BAH. Honestly, I hate the duty station where we are at, too. If I move out into an apartment, my daughter will hate me and want to be at the house with him all of the time. Plus, when the army reassigns him, I will have to move on my own dime by myself. I could possibly live somewhere else, but I would be taking our daughter away from her Dad. She would hate me for that, too. Why shouldi have to suffer more?? I know people get divorced and say how happy they are and how the kids all adjusted well, etc., but I know the reality of divorce. Sounds crazy, but staying and building myself up to be stronger and learning to set boundaries would set a better example for our daughter. I am coming out of a long fog and I have learned a lot recently and realize that I am not at fault here, but that wasn't always the case. Every single one of my friends that I had while growing up that came from divorced families were extremely messed up and lived crazy messed up lives as adults. Those of us (including me) who came from a home where parents weren't the most loving towards each other all the time made it out wayyyyy better. I grew up in a generation where kids were spanked and occasionally hit on impulse. Dad's demanded Mom's not to coddle their children. Husbands were expected to rule the house and wives catered to them no matter what. I know there are those of you who think he is going to divorce me. He has said he won't because of our daughter. I am coming up with ideas to be prepared for if he does, though. If he does, that will be his doing and my daughter won't blame me. Plus, he would be more likely to accommodate us well in that situation so that he wouldn't risk losing his daughter. Make sense? I do have plans to separate myself from him when he returns. I am also working on setting up major boundaries. I put my wine glass down and am changing my life one day at a time.
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post #33 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 03:07 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

No, it doesn't make sense to me. None of that. But hey, I wish you nothing but the best.

"Always man needs woman for his friend. He needs her clearer vision, her subtler insight, her softer thought, her winged soul, her pure and tender heart. Always woman needs man to be her friend. She needs the vigor of his purpose, the ardor of his will, his calmer judgment, his braver force of action, his reverence and his devotion." ~Mary C. Adams
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post #34 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 03:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

GA Heart, you didn't answer my questions. Did you have help from family? Did you leave and if so, where did you go? What did you tell your kids? Did you share custody and move around to wherever he got stationed? We both would never stay at this duty station, so we will have to move. Plus, he is planning on changing his career path, so that would affect where we live also. Please tell me exactly how a divorce would benefit me other than not being married to him. I understand the obvious.
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post #35 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 03:51 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

I do not have the emotional energy to play your game. You came here (what I thought was) seeking advice, but you are just enjoying being a victim. Best of luck.

"Always man needs woman for his friend. He needs her clearer vision, her subtler insight, her softer thought, her winged soul, her pure and tender heart. Always woman needs man to be her friend. She needs the vigor of his purpose, the ardor of his will, his calmer judgment, his braver force of action, his reverence and his devotion." ~Mary C. Adams
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post #36 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 04:00 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

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Did you share custody and move around to wherever he got stationed? We both would never stay at this duty station, so we will have to move.
I can't answer this question but I can tell you that you wouldn't be the first military wife who got divorced and figured out a way to make things work.

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Please tell me exactly how a divorce would benefit me other than not being married to him. I understand the obvious.
You (and your children) would be free of his abuse and your sham of a marriage and be free to meet someone who would treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
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post #37 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 04:14 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

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S
No, she DOESN'T need to be home schooled and is missing out on a lot because you CHOOSE to isolate her at home for her education while moving all over the country with an abusive jackass. Again, that's what you CHOOSE to do because you refuse to better your situation - for HER or yourself.

This is ignorant. I homeschooled two children all the way through to college. I have one left in homeschool high school.

Homeschooling doesn't have to be, and usually isn't, isolating. Most areas have plenty of options to get social interaction with their peers and enjoy a wide variety of activities.

Homeschooling is an excellent option for military families and helps a child to get a much better education rather than starting and stopping from school to school and place to place. They can get a seamless education and most do much better academically this way.

That being said, I do believe there are options, but the main issue isn't the homeschooling. The main issue is that you have the mentality of an abused woman and have come to the right place to start moving into a position of strength and healing, especially now that your husband won't be home until October.

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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #38 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 04:17 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

Nope, and if it were me, next time he's deployed, I'd be packing my bags and moving out. He can get his own room ready when he arrives back home.
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post #39 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 04:29 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

The problem here is not really one of circumstances. It is mindset. You cannot change your husband, even if you change your boundaries. You can only change yourself. You have a lot of obstacles set up in your mind that keep you from having a better life. But those obstacles are really all in your mind. In order for things to improve, you will have to change how you think about your life and the choices that you have.

You do not have to stay married to your husband for your daughter to grow up healthy and happy. Your husband is responsible for his relationship with your daughter, you aren't. If your husband treats you badly, he should expect there will be consequences which will impact his relationship with your daughter. That is not your fault. But it is your responsibility to properly care for yourself and plan for your future. Right now you are abdicating that responsibility.

I recommend that you face the facts of the situation and instead of trying to figure out how to set different boundaries, so that your husband will treat you better, you face the truth. Your husband will likely escalate in his mistreatment of you if you set better boundaries. He does not value you. That is why he is treating you the way he does. In some circumstances setting better boundaries can change everything, but it depends on who you are dealing with. There are some people who are better to get away from. Based on how you have described him, I would put him into the category of being better to get away from.

You have laid a good foundation for your daughter's education. Part of your plan can be to find a home where she can go to a good school that will meet her needs. I understand the desire to continue homeschooling, but sometimes it is necessary to chose another option.

You may not want to go back to the same work you did before, but that doesn't mean you are incompetent or unable to go back to work. I recommend that you begin searching for a career and do what it takes to get additional education to do it. You cannot in good conscience rely on someone to take care of you when he obviously sees you as his adversary and an object of his use at the same time.

Open your eyes and start to let go of those ideas that are holding you back from taking responsibility for yourself and your daughter. Continuing on in your marriage is only bringing you pain and suffering. That's not how marriage is supposed to be and it's a terrible example for your daughter.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #40 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 05:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

GA Heart, wow. I am seeking knowledge, including from you. I posted a scenario and then proceeded to answer questions and give some background information. Lots of people suggest the 'just leave him and get a job' option. I would love to know how you went about it since you were a military spouse and you so highly recommend it that option. How is that playing games? Do you work full time? Did you get alimony and child support? How much time do each of you spend with your kids? Did you have to move to stay near him? Do you and your ex share your kids with girlfriends/boyfriends? These and my other questions are valid questions.

I am passionate about my daughter being homeschooled, so I do not take it lightly when someone just ignores that fact. I enjoy raising my daughter, too. I was a single woman until I was 34 and had my one and only child at the age if 39. I don't wish I was anywhere else. I had a lot of free years.

I do not disagree with the fact that I am in an emotionally abusive situation. I wish people that suggest the 'leave him, get a job and give up your current life to work full time and miss out on raising your daughter' option could back it up with real life situations that detail how great it is and how they or others they personally know went about it. I do not think that is an unreasonable request considering the huge impact this decision has on everyone's lives. Btw, people that homeschool do consider working full time and sending their kids off to public school with before and after school care as missing out on raising their children. If you reasearch this or ask any homeschool parent, they will back me up on that.

I also do not have a desire for revenge or to hurt my husband.

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post #41 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 05:24 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

Honest girl, I'm not suggesting you file tomorrow. But you do have to be willing to leave your husband if he doesn't do the work to change his anger and abuse towards you. There simply is no other way around that. If he knows you're not going anywhere, he knows that he can continue to treat you any way he wants.

Bottom line: you need to set the bar higher with your husband. He will continue to treat you the way you allow him to treat you. There are things you and he can try first, like I outlined in an above post, but they do require that you be willing to pack your (and your daughter's) bags if he does not do them. Otherwise, he will respect you even less than he already does.

I'm very sorry you're in this situation. You and your daughter really do deserve better. Hopefully, he is suffering from PTSD- at least then there is a treatment protocol and the problem might get fixed. But it will require hard work on his part.
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post #42 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 05:26 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

@honestgirl

This last post of yours makes it clear how you have adopted a very rigid "black and white" mentality and at least at this particular point in your life, are unwilling and unable to make positive changes that would undoubtedly benefit you and your children by removing you from what you have acknowledged is an unhealthy, abusive situation.

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I am passionate about my daughter being homeschooled, so I do not take it lightly when someone just ignores that fact. I enjoy raising my daughter, too.
You are "passionate" about homeschooling and you enjoy raising your daughter. Well given the circumstances, it may be necessary to explore other passions and do what needs to be done for the good of everyone involved even if it means *gasp* putting her into public school like most other kids whose parents both work and still have a huge role in "raising their children".

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I do not disagree with the fact that I am in an emotionally abusive situation.
No, but you don't agree with any of the helpful posters who have given you very useful advice that happens to conflict with what you believe to be the best course of action which is to simply stay in this abusive situation, not work and stay home to "raise your children".

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Btw, people that homeschool do consider working full time and sending their kids off to public school with before and after school care as missing out on raising their children. If you reasearch this or ask any homeschool parent, they will back me up on that.
I'm sure they do say that. You know what @honestgirl? Life isn't always the way we want it. If it was up to me I wouldn't have worked a day in my life and I would have had a much greater role in the lives of my children. But I did what I HAD to do not what I WANTED to do because well, when you approach life and it's challenges in a mature, responsible way, you sometimes have to make difficult decisions that might be in direct contrast to what you feel like doing.

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I also do not have a desire for revenge or to hurt my husband.
What does this have to do with anything? It's almost like you put it out there because you know you don't really have any good reason for staying.
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post #43 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:20 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

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Btw, people that homeschool do consider working full time and sending their kids off to public school with before and after school care as missing out on raising their children. If you reasearch this or ask any homeschool parent, they will back me up on that.
I'm a homeschool parent and have been for about 20 years. I disagree that people who work full time and have their kids in public school are missing out on raising their children. They are outsourcing education, but that doesn't mean they aren't fully involved, loving parents who are serious about raising their children. I can see how you wouldn't want to stop homeschooling if you feel that way though. I just don't think it makes logical sense that a parent isn't raising their children if the child is in a school setting. The child is still with the parent for the majority of their time and the parent is in charge of the child.

Lots of people who work full time have great relationships with their children. It is different than homeschooling. But it doesn't mean they aren't raising their children.

With your career background, you should be able to make a good living and will have child support to help you properly care for your daughter. You should be able to live in a good area and provide well for your daughter.

I really believe that living in an abusive environment is damaging to children, don't you believe that too?

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post #44 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 09:26 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

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I wish people that suggest the 'leave him, get a job and give up your current life to work full time and miss out on raising your daughter' option could back it up with real life situations that detail how great it is and how they or others they personally know went about it.
I didn't have a job when I left my husband - a Lieutenant Colonel in the Army - but I knew I had to get out or get dragged under. Although I did not have children, I had two cats I had to take with me. Believe me, purebred Cornish Rex cats are just one step below a child!

My husband went down range one time too many. He would never address or admit that, but I could see how he changed. His drinking escalated. He became mean. My husband never had a mean bone in his body prior to a year in Kuwait/Iraq/Pakistan.

I spent five years with him after that last deployment. During that time, I got cancer, lived in the middle-of-nowhere with substandard medical care, and had no support system whatsoever. I had a college education, but the only job I could get was retail. So I took it. I didn't leave until he was out of the service and decided to just sit around and get gob smacked drunk most of the time.

I had no job. I had no health insurance. I had no support system. I had cancer. But I KNEW I was given this one, precious life to live. Talk about walking out in faith. I had about $56K to my name, and I only got that because he took a second mortgage on our home and I was owed half the equity. I also liquidated two IRA's.

So, how did I go about this? I didn't do that what-if scenario. I don't know if a meteor is going to come screaming out of the sky in an hour and kill me. All I know is, I live one day at a time. I don't sweat/worry about all the junk. YOU ARE HOLDING YOURSELF BACK BY A NEED TO KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN. Guess what? All you are talking about may not happen. Granted, it may, but you are projecting the worst-case scenario, which keeps you stuck.

Me? I ended up living in a roach-infested Quality Inn off an interstate for a month. I ended up working at a Chik-Fil-A at a mall food court with a bunch of like-ya-know's. I ended up working at several full-time jobs with bosses who were certifiable. I ended up with a roommate and her daughter for seven months who literally threw trash on the floor. They were two of the biggest slobs I've ever known.

After that, I lived in a 250 square foot room over a smelly horse barn in southeast Pennsylvania. But I got state-funded medical care. I had six months of chemo. My crazy husband actually sent me $18K to move back west in July 2012, although we would be living 250 miles apart. I even had my car totaled while in PA by an 87-year-old man who ran a stop sign.

Today? My husband died. I have 55% of his Army pension, his social security, and I worked for three years in a dead-end/brain numbing county government job. But what did I gain? Self-sufficiency, self-respect, and the knowledge that all the WHAT-IF-THE-SKY-FALLS thinking kept me stuck in a terrible marriage for too long.

Will the same happen to you? No. You are not going to have the same set of circumstances as me. But I guarantee you, if you have the guts to leave - and NOT on his terms - you WILL come out victorious on the other side.

I can't explain it, but I didn't whine and complain when I had almost nothing. Frankly, for some strange reason, I figured ANYTHING would be better than the insanity I lived with. And it was. Something for you to consider. Seriously.

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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post #45 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 10:54 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

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I grew up in a generation where kids were spanked and occasionally hit on impulse. Dad's demanded Mom's not to coddle their children. Husbands were expected to rule the house and wives catered to them no matter what.
This explains a lot of what's going on with you. You are unable to overcome the upbringing that was brainwashed into you. Your husband is ruling the roost and expects you to cater to him no matter what. He treats you like the housekeeper/nanny/teacher/sex-slave who he orders around like you were a military subordinate. And for the most part, you are obeying, so it works for him. When things come up that he can't handle in that manner, such as you wanting to go to a reunion, or have a craft area, or visit a friend, he reacts with childish tantrums.

He doesn't provide any emotional support to you like a true modern partner would. And you continue to permit it.

Sadly, this means that it will continue into another generation, and your daughter will grow up thinking yours is a normal marriage, and end up being treated poorly by a man who is just like her dad. Is that what you want for her?

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I do not disagree with the fact that I am in an emotionally abusive situation. I wish people that suggest the 'leave him, get a job and give up your current life to work full time and miss out on raising your daughter' option could back it up with real life situations that detail how great it is and how they or others they personally know went about it. I do not think that is an unreasonable request considering the huge impact this decision has on everyone's lives.
As a homeschooler, are you teaching your child how to be an independent, self-sufficient adult someday, like you once were? How would you teach her to get out of an abusive situation? Obviously you love homeschooling but you need to analyze that you are also teaching her some unwanted lessons as well, such as accepting a bad marriage, that women are subordinate to men, etc.

You are never going to find any answers that will magically transform your husband into a respectful and loving partner. You can only change your situation yourself, and set a good example for your daughter.

As for your complaint about people not providing you with concrete steps to take, many have suggested that you contact resources for military families. Have you done so? What have you learned from them? You could also contact a family lawyer, do some information gathering about what divorce might look like in your state. Or the state you may be moved to next.

Personally, I can't see how a military dad who is sometimes deployed away for long months at a time could possibly win a custody battle against a homeschooling mom. Letting that fear hold you back just shows how much you are grasping at excuses to stay in your situation.

As for my suggestions, I'd be evicting the tenants from your smallest rental property, and telling your husband you have his own place all ready over there when he gets back from deployment. Start taking an online course to update your programming skills - you can do homework at the same time as your child.
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