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post #46 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 01:49 AM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

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GA Heart, did you have family and/or friends support? Where did you live?
I guess your mother does not live nearby? You can build a support system and get friends.

How do you build a support system? Start with finding a domestic abuse facility near you and sign up counseling through them. They will have a lot of resources that can help you. Here is a website that you can use to help find a place near you.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

When I left my sonís father, I did go to a local organization that provided counseling for vicitms of domestic abuse. There was a weekly group meeting that I attended. I met a woman there who was in a similar situation to mineÖ that was in 1995. We are still extremely close friends. Our sons all grew up together. We still hang out weekly and talk to each other a lot during the week. We were each otherís life line, actually have been all these years.

Now to meet people. Check out the site Meetup . com

Here where I live there are literally hundreds of meetups. Itís not a dating site. Itís a place where people can find interesting things to do with likeminded people. I even started a couple of meetups. I have a hiking meetup and a gardening meetup. Iíve met a lot of good people this way.

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My husband would absolutely refuse to move out of the house. We also own a lot of stuff. Two rental homes, two trucks, a car, three motorcycles, etc. If I leave, he will continue to stay in this big house paying more than our BAH.
Your husband can refuse to move out of the house all he wants. He will have to do what the court orders him to do. With a divorce, the two of you will split all your assets about 50/50. You will have a say in who stays in the house, who gets which vehicles, what will be sold, etc.

He will also be ordered to pay you child support and spousal support. The way it works is that during the divorce process you will get interim spousal support and alimony. After the divorce, you will get child support. And the amount and length of spousal support (alimony) will be determined by your state laws.

A good formula for a rough estimate of spousal support is 40% of the higher income minus 50% the lower income. But, in most states, you will also be expected to become self-supporting in a reasonable length of time. Or at least as self-supporting as possible.

It sounds like your husband might not be able to pay for that big house and stay in it.

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Honestly, I hate the duty station where we are at, too. If I move out into an apartment, my daughter will hate me and want to be at the house with him all of the time.
From the sounds of it, he will not be able to stay in the house either. Do you really think that your daughter cares so little for you that she would want to stay with her father just because heís in the house????? Really? This is the father who has been gone for months at a time during her entire life.

You two will arrive at a custody split and your daughter will live where the custody agreement says she will live. Thatís how it works.
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Plus, when the army reassigns him, I will have to move on my own dime by myself. I could possibly live somewhere else, but I would be taking our daughter away from her Dad. She would hate me for that, too. Why shouldi have to suffer more??
I thought that you said he was changing his career path. That sounded to me like he was getting out of the military. Is he?


You could put in the divorce papers that you will consider moving if he is stationed somewhere else. But he will have to pay your moving expenses. It is not your job to maintain his relationship with his daughter. Heís apparently not around her all that much anyway. If he must move due to a military assignment, then your daughter could travel to visit her father, at his expense. Thatís how it works.


You are already suffering. I guess you can choose the way you want to suffer. Right now, since heís gone until October, you really donít have to put up with all that much of his abuse. To me, from what you said, it sounds like he intends to file for divorce when he gets back. And you are simply refusing to acknowledge that.


I think you need to do a lot of research on divorce laws where you live. Amazon has books for each state in the country that cover their laws. You can also do some google searches to find out your rights for divorce. When/if you get an attorney, you will need one with a strong background in military divorce.


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I know people get divorced and say how happy they are and how the kids all adjusted well, etc., but I know the reality of divorce. Sounds crazy, but staying and building myself up to be stronger and learning to set boundaries would set a better example for our daughter. I am coming out of a long fog and I have learned a lot recently and realize that I am not at fault here, but that wasn't always the case. Every single one of my friends that I had while growing up that came from divorced families were extremely messed up and lived crazy messed up lives as adults. Those of us (including me) who came from a home where parents weren't the most loving towards each other all the time made it out wayyyyy better.
Please read the below quoteÖÖ.
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Now that he is away for a long time, he is just sending me a text message that says 'please set me up in my own room'. Then he proceeded to continue to text a bunch of crap about how wrong I am and then he texted again to give him his own room and that he'll be 'back in October, we'll talk then about what to do'. So, no discussion, just him telling me what is going to happen.
Your husband is going to divorce you when he gets back. That is what the above means. Thatís what both his words and actions are telling you. You can talk all day long about how you can change your boundaries and how awful kids of divorce have it, but that means nothing when he files for divorce.
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I grew up in a generation where kids were spanked and occasionally hit on impulse. Dad's demanded Mom's not to coddle their children. Husbands were expected to rule the house and wives catered to them no matter what.
Iím older than you by quite a bitÖ 68. That might be what your family was like, but not all. Not by a long shot. Itís a pretty harsh view of family life.
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I know there are those of you who think he is going to divorce me. He has said he won't because of our daughter.
I am one who thinks he has clearly told you that he is divorcing you. Right now he cannot if he wants some kind of relationship with your daughter. So heís keeping you on a very thin string because he needs you to take care of her while he travels a lot and is on deployments.
There are 3 different times I can see him divorcing you.
1) When he gets back in October. I think heís pretty much told you thatís what heís planning.
2) When he makes his career change. If heís getting out of the military, then he does not need to stay married to you to get his daughter 50% of the time.
3) When your daughter turns 18. Then she can go off to college and he has no need for you anymore.

Quote:
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I am coming up with ideas to be prepared for if he does, though. If he does, that will be his doing and my daughter won't blame me. Plus, he would be more likely to accommodate us well in that situation so that he wouldn't risk losing his daughter. Make sense? I do have plans to separate myself from him when he returns. I am also working on setting up major boundaries. I put my wine glass down and am changing my life one day at a time.
Ok if thatís your approach, so get busy with what you need to do.

Build your support system. Get into counseling at a domestic abuse organization and talk to them about how you can better live with his abusive nonsense. And get out, meet people, and build a support system of friends.

Make sure you set up his room so that itís ready when he comes back. Thatís what he wants. So give it to him. And having it set up will help avoid that ugliness of him kicking you out of the master bedroom.

Research your legal rights. Even interview attorneys (many will give a half hour to one hour free consultation). Start socking money away in your name. Get copies of all the legal, financial, etc. information and store it in a safe place (I used an indoor storage unit). Get yourself a PO Box for any mail you donít want him to get his hands on.

And start thinking about what you are going to do to earn an income when/if he files for divorce. I know you want to home school your daughter. But if there is a divorce, you will have to support yourself as much as you can. Thatís just reality.


Last edited by EleGirl; 03-15-2017 at 01:53 AM.
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post #47 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 02:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

Thank you for all of your input, advice and caring thoughts.

I am constantly weighing the pros and cons of everything. I research everything. Although I am depressed, I am not helpless. Depression definitely makes me feel like I am trying to move through mud sometimes, but I do have common sense and I have a strong will to have a good life. I moved by myself across country in my 20's knowing no one and having no job. I bought my own home on my own and lived independently until I was 34 years old. I lived with my sister (she was just 15 months older) for two years when I was just a teenager, and ever since then I lived alone. My husband has been gone more than he is home, leaving me to raise our daughter and take care of everything completely alone. I know what it takes to be on my own.

Regardless of whether I stay or go, it has to be on my terms. I am always the one making the big sacrifices. I am working on plans for the stay and/or go possibilities.
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post #48 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 03:15 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

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Regardless of whether I stay or go, it has to be on my terms. I am always the one making the big sacrifices. I am working on plans for the stay and/or go possibilities.
If your husband files for divorce and you are unprepared for the ramifications of that, it won't be on your terms. If you really want things to be on your terms, you have to know and understand the divorce laws in your state and what your rights and responsibilities are. I would recommend you do that things that EleGirl has mentioned along with buying a book or two on divorce in your state, then studying it so you understand what you can do to come out safely.

Not wanting to take revenge on your spouse is one thing and I agree with that, but it is quite another to cover your butt and make sure you are not left destitute with him taking everything from the marriage and leaving you with nothing. Learning what you can do to make sure that doesn't happen isn't going to end your marriage. Knowledge is power. You've got lots of time to prepare for whatever comes in October.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #49 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 03:31 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

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Thank you for all of your input, advice and caring thoughts.

I am constantly weighing the pros and cons of everything. I research everything. Although I am depressed, I am not helpless. Depression definitely makes me feel like I am trying to move through mud sometimes, but I do have common sense and I have a strong will to have a good life. I moved by myself across country in my 20's knowing no one and having no job. I bought my own home on my own and lived independently until I was 34 years old. I lived with my sister (she was just 15 months older) for two years when I was just a teenager, and ever since then I lived alone. My husband has been gone more than he is home, leaving me to raise our daughter and take care of everything completely alone. I know what it takes to be on my own.

Regardless of whether I stay or go, it has to be on my terms. I am always the one making the big sacrifices. I am working on plans for the stay and/or go possibilities.
Most women in an abusive and/or neglectful marriage experience depression. He's affecting your mental health.
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post #50 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

My mind has been working overtime. I have decided to separate. I am planning to go to JAG for advice. I want this to be amicable and I do believe that is possible. I have not said anything to him yet. I do not plan to until I get advice.
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post #51 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:45 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

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My mind has been working overtime. I have decided to separate. I am planning to go to JAG for advice. I want this to be amicable and I do believe that is possible. I have not said anything to him yet. I do not plan to until I get advice.
Good for you, you can do this. Let us know how it goes and if you need support, we are here. I'll be thinking of you.
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post #52 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 01:10 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

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My mind has been working overtime. I have decided to separate. I am planning to go to JAG for advice. I want this to be amicable and I do believe that is possible. I have not said anything to him yet. I do not plan to until I get advice.
It is wise that you not say a thing to him until you have prepared to make a safe exit and you understand all of your rights and responsibilities. Once you have your plan lined up and are ready to move forward, you will also have a plan on how to handle your interaction with him in a healthy manner that will be best for all of you. Be calm and patient. He doesn't need to know anything right now. You aren't planning an attack. You are planning a safe escape.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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