Help!!! Am I wrong? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 07:16 PM Thread Starter
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Help!!! Am I wrong?

I am going to describe an actual scenario in my marriage that has a common theme. The common theme is that my husband gets extremely angry with me and never admits that he should not have and never says he is sorry. When I try to point out that I was very hurt by his behavior, he immediately calls for an emotional divorce and wants to be separated. He doesn't say 'divorce' anymore because he won't do that since we share a daughter. When he is away for long periods of time (deployed with the military or training for the military), it usually involves him sending me an email or text to set up his room for him when he gets home, meaning he wants to be separated. He then ignores me completely. When he is home and he does it, he ignores me completely and kicks me out of the bedroom which usually last for months.

This particular instance, was about vacation plans. We were going on a long road trip to go skiing for a week. We were planning to stop along the way at two of his family's houses for a few days per house. Early in our discussions, we talked about possibly driving out of the way to visit some friends of ours. I didn't think we would have enough time. I told him that we would have to cut our visits with his family short and I didn't think that was a good idea. Well, about a week before we were leaving, I talked to these friends and was just catching up with how things were going for them since they had a bunch going on and I also wanted to tell them about our plans since they knew we were planning to travel across country and they are always hopeful for a visit from us like we have done in the past. They expressed how much they would love for us to visit. I told them about our plans and that I didn't think it was possible, but I would talk to my husband about it again. Well, I told my husband calmly and lovingly that i realized that we already made our plans and I acknowledged that i was the one who originally didn't think it was possible. I told him what my friends had expressed to me and I said that I was wondering if there may be a slight chance that we could squeeze in going to see them. I said that I totally understand if he thinks not. Well, he proceeded to get extremely angry with me. Yelled at me for 'changing plans' and said something to the effect of 'you always do this!'. Then he called his sister and proceeded to curse me and tell her he was sick of my **** and how I 'always do this'. I was very confused by his behavior.

First, I didn't change any plans. I simply asked a question and I was very clear about that. I had already relayed to our friends what the situation was, so they were prepared for a 'no' answer. I didn't demand anything.

When I bring up what happened in this situation to my husband so that he may have a chance to apologize for getting angry with me and accusing me of something that I didn't do and to apologize for bad mouthing me to his sister, he argues that I was wrong for doing what I did, period. Then he proceeds to 'emotionally divorce' me.

Btw, several years ago, we had definitely set plans to visit these same friends after a visit to his brother's house. While we were still at his brother's house and a couple days away from heading to see our friends, my husband expressed that he wanted to stay and cancel our visit with our friends. I said 'ok' and called our friends and canceled. No anger from me. I just wanted him to be happy since he had been deployed for a long while and wanted to hang with his brother a little longer.

Am I wrong for saying that his anger was unjustified and plain wrong and that his bad mouthing me to his sister was very hurtful?

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post #2 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 07:35 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

That is pretty rough, honestgirl. Certainly based on what you have shared, this looks like abusive and hurtful behavior on his part. Maybe there are underlying issues that are making him do this, but it is definitely not normal to treat another human being this way. Maybe this will improve with age and maturity, but maybe not. You should stick up for yourself and draw a line in the sand. Otherwise, this will not stop
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post #3 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 07:43 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

@honestgirl he sounds mentally unstable.

I think you need to counterbalance his demand for an emotional divorce with one of these:-


http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #4 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 07:53 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

You are not wrong he is,and if he wants to live in a separate room he can get it ready.

Do you even have a sex life after he has been gone? He sounds verbally abusive and controlling, she should never call a family member to talk crap about you.



You do matter!
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post #5 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 08:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

You know, abuse from him is the the norm whether he is home or away. There is a whole lot more to our marriage problems. I have been suffering for a very long time. The years and years of verbal abuse, lying, cheating, unexpected anger.....it's just exhausting. The jekyll/hyde personality changes. I am an almost 50 year old mother of a young child. I have been a SAHM for the past 10 years. I cannot go back to my old career without training and, frankly, it would break me as I would not be able to handle that environment again. I homeschool our daughter, so there's that, too. I am financially dependent on him. We are a military family, so we move around often. We moved three times in the last three years. I am really stuck here. I am trying so hard to enlighten him as to how horribly he treats me. He thinks that his few moments per week of niceness just magically erase everything. He is also extremely sexual. Talks about sex a lot. Refers to it whenever he sees an opportunity. He slaps me down there whenever i get near him. I started locking the bathroom door when i shower because he comes in and pinches me and pulls on my nipples. I know, it sounds horrible. I don't want to be intimate with him at all. He says he needs to know that I want him and he is hurting. I don't dismiss his feelings. I explain to him that I can only guess at why I don't want to be intimate with him. It's not like it never happens, btw. It's just not often. Plus, while he is away, he wants me to get him off using text messages just randomly whenever he is wanting to get off. I feel sick over all of this. I don't have any family except his to go to, but there is no place for me to stay that would not cause issues. I have seen many therapists and nothing helps.

I know everyone says to divorce. It really is not that simple. I honestly have no place to go. I have been extremely depressed, so I am not in good mental shape to be independent. I understand what everyone tells me about how my daughter is affected. She is and always will be affected. There is nothing I can do about it. I just try to make sure she knows that she is not at fault for anything that happens between her Daddy and I. She is a loving, smart and sweet girl, too. It breaks my heart that i am unable to give her the home she deserves.

I struggle with his manipulation into my thinking I am doing something wrong all the time and that I deserve the treatment I get. I feel like a huge failure. Every time I try to get up and try to bring us together and smooth over all the bad stuff, he squashes any hope for reconciliation and blames it on me and shuts me out. The pain is hardly bearable.
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post #6 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 08:22 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

I'd let him know that if he wishes to separate he can start looking for an apartment and that the only planning you'll be doing is changing the locks in your home since he will no longer live there.

He sounds like a controlling jerk who has adult temper tantrums. No way should you have to put up with that.
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post #7 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 08:24 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

First, stop trying to enlighten him as to how horribly he treats you. You're wasting your time.

Second, it's not in general a terrible thing for him to want sex and maybe want you to get him off via text when he is away. The problem is that he is abusive and the last thing you want to give him is intimacy. Believe me, I get it.

You say you have nowhere to go and no choice. That is not true. You have been staying at home, taking care of HIS daughter and home-schooling her. Moving around all the time to be with him. Making and taking care of the home. You will get alimony and child support. You will not be financially dependent on him anymore if you choose not to be.

Your daughter deserves better. Please give it to her. You are her teacher and more importantly, her mother. So teach her what a strong woman does in a bad relationship. Divorce him and be a stronger, independent person, and show your daughter what is important.

Don't let people become a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs.
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post #8 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 08:26 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

Quote:
Originally Posted by honestgirl View Post
I am going to describe an actual scenario in my marriage that has a common theme. The common theme is that my husband gets extremely angry with me and never admits that he should not have and never says he is sorry. When I try to point out that I was very hurt by his behavior, he immediately calls for an emotional divorce and wants to be separated. He doesn't say 'divorce' anymore because he won't do that since we share a daughter. When he is away for long periods of time (deployed with the military or training for the military), it usually involves him sending me an email or text to set up his room for him when he gets home, meaning he wants to be separated. He then ignores me completely. When he is home and he does it, he ignores me completely and kicks me out of the bedroom which usually last for months.
Please explain this further. Do you mean that he kicks you out of the master bedroom? Or does he kick you out of a separate room that he sets up for himself?

Where do you sleep when he kicks you out of the bedroom?

How does he kick you out of the bedroom? Does he just tell you to get out? Or does he physically force you out?
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post #9 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 08:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

He has kicked me out of our bedroom several times. Twice he took my stuff, including my dresser and put it into another room. He doesn't discuss this with me. It happens while he is having an irrational fit. He does not 'physically' do anything to me. He just tells me to stay out and each night he goes to bed without saying anything and closes the door.

Now that he is away for a long time, he is just sending me a text message that says 'please set me up in my own room'. Then he proceeded to continue to text a bunch of crap about how wrong I am and then he texted again to give him his own room and that he'll be 'back in October, we'll talk then about what to do'. So, no discussion, just him telling me what is going to happen.
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post #10 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 09:04 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

Sounds like he is suffering from PTSD, many men never come back from that island.

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post #11 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 09:04 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

So he is gone until October of this year?
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post #12 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 09:07 PM Thread Starter
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post #13 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 09:10 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

How long have the two of you been married?
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post #14 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 09:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

We have been together for 17 years and married for 13 years. It's always been messed up.
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post #15 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 09:18 PM
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Re: Help!!! Am I wrong?

Quote:
Originally Posted by honestgirl View Post
We have been together for 17 years and married for 13 years. It's always been messed up.
maybe a bit of self assessment is in order.
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