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post #16 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 04:51 PM
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Re: What is he thinking?

You need to stop seeing each other. You are both in other relationships.

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post #17 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 04:55 PM
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Re: What is he thinking?

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Originally Posted by dreamland1010 View Post
I see that by me saying that I could have led him on. I did say that very recently, so I had not been dangling that out there for years. Still, I should not have said that to him.
This guy wants to be with you, or at least get into your pants. No man sticks around like this in the friend-zone without that being his end goal.

You are worried about hurting him? He's not worried about hurting you and your relationship with your boyfriend. Each time he has pulled this kiss thing, he would have gladly had sex with you just for entertainment. He said that he wants a friends with benefits situation with you. That's all he's offering you. Why would you be so concerned about the feelings of a man who offers this?
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post #18 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 04:56 PM
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Re: What is he thinking?

It sounds like he wants to have sex with you while keeping his own romantic relationship (and yours?) intact. Friends with benefits. This is not fair to either of your romantic partners. If you are truly interested in him, please end the relationship with your current partner. Honestly, I don't see a lot of benefit to being a FWB unless you are both between relationships and agree to take care of each other's needs without getting too emotionally enmeshed or serious with each other. His attitude says that you are good enough for sex, but not good enough for the long haul. I think he's a bit of a jerk. And frankly, if you are willing to do that to your partner, that makes you a bit of a jerk as well.

As an aside, if both of you are open with your current partners and everybody is completely kosher about you and friend getting it on- then, that's a different story. Just as long as all parties are in the know and in agreement.
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post #19 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 04:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What is he thinking?

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If they are both compatible and both open to being more than friends, but there has been NO sex for six years... I can only imagine what the LTR or marriage would be like!

If a man wants to be with a woman, as they say, "ALL is fair in love and war!" It would have happened by now if he really wanted her. Otherwise they seem to just be keeping each other on the back burner so to speak as a backup plan or something.
To clear one thing up, my LTR is basically a marriage without the ring. If that helps any. So, that's why nothing has happened. He has been extremely respectful to me and my relationship until recently...aside from the ONE time he told me he didn't think my significant other treated me right; and I respect the fact that he is in a relationship.
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post #20 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 05:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What is he thinking?

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This guy wants to be with you, or at least get into your pants. No man sticks around like this in the friend-zone without that being his end goal.

You are worried about hurting him? He's not worried about hurting you and your relationship with your boyfriend. Each time he has pulled this kiss thing, he would have gladly had sex with you just for entertainment. He said that he wants a friends with benefits situation with you. That's all he's offering you. Why would you be so concerned about the feelings of a man who offers this?
But for 6 years? Wouldn't a guy give up after a while? Seriously, I would think they'd get tired of not getting any action.

He threw it out there and he apologized. I wish I could replay our entire conversation for you. I care because if you knew our friendship you would know that he is the kind of person who will check on me if he knows I'm sick or going through tough times. This is not someone who does not care about my feelings, so that's why I care about his. If he even thinks he's said something to me that could have been hurtful he will ask me directly to make sure that never happens. Sorry, I just don't want you all to think he's a bad person.
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post #21 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 05:13 PM
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Re: What is he thinking?

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But for 6 years? Wouldn't a guy give up after a while? Seriously, I would think they'd get tired of not getting any action.
Yea, 6 years. He's waited 6 years for your relationship to end or for you to have an affair with him. Neither happened so now he's pushing a bit harder for what he wants.

He does not sound like a very aggressive type of man. A more aggressive man would have left a long time ago to see if you would do something with him.

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Originally Posted by dreamland1010 View Post
He threw it out there and he apologized. I wish I could replay our entire conversation for you. I care because if you knew our friendship you would know that he is the kind of person who will check on me if he knows I'm sick or going through tough times. This is not someone who does not care about my feelings, so that's why I care about his. If he even thinks he's said something to me that could have been hurtful he will ask me directly to make sure that never happens. Sorry, I just don't want you all to think he's a bad person.
Yea, one some level this is an emotional affair. I am sure that you will deny this, but it is what you describe. Here is a book that might help you understand what's going on.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
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post #22 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 05:15 PM
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Re: What is he thinking?

I'm sorry but this guy is not your "friend" in that by kissing, and suggesting a "friends with benefits" relationship with you, he is putting you in the position of cheating on your current LTR. WTH?

Something just does not seem right. It would be one thing if he said "I want to be with you, I'd break off my current relationship if you break off yours so we can see if this works?" But instead he suggests friend's with benefits? He doesn't even sound jealous of your LTR and doesn't seem worried about you cheating and compromising your values. So, no, that does not sound like love to me, not even like the kind of friendship where someone cares about your best interests over their own sex drive.

Is your reason for not being with him ONLY because you are both in LTRs? Or do you love your BF?

If you love your current guy, stop dating your friend! If you are not serious, well, that's the difference between a LTR and a marriage. You have no obligation to stay in a LTR.

But you are playing a vary dangerous game spending time alone with this "friend" when you're in other relationships. One of the things that makes people fall in love is being together while doing things they enjoy. You're spending time alone with a red blooded man doing fun things. I'm surprised it's taken him 6 years to cross the line. I'm also surprised both your significant other's aren't concerned about your friendship.
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post #23 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 05:19 PM
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Re: What is he thinking?

So much concern about his true feelings. You know what they are, why are you still fishing...?

What about your "LTR that is basically a marriage"? What about the fact that you're basically having an emotional affair (please spare us and don't deny it)?

Why isn't the concern, how you're going to break this to your partner? Why isn't the concern, how to adjust this "friendship" so that the two of you don't disrespect your partner by 'kissing accidentally' again in the future?

OP, it is clear you value this man and his feelings more than your current partner. Don't lie to yourself. Why bother? You're young, you're not married. Break it off now (before you do some worse ish and seriously hurt your partner) and just see if it works with your friend.
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post #24 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 05:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What is he thinking?

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Yea, 6 years. He's waited 6 years for your relationship to end or for you to have an affair with him. Neither happened so now he's pushing a bit harder for what he wants.

He does not sound like a very aggressive type of man. A more aggressive man would have left a long time ago to see if you would do something with him.



Yea, one some level this is an emotional affair. I am sure that you will deny this, but it is what you describe. Here is a book that might help you understand what's going on.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
He is on the shy side. He knew who I was before I ever met him and he did tell me that he thought about asking me out then (that was almost 10 years ago) but didn't because he was too much of a chicken.

And, yes I do believe you are correct that on some level this is an emotional affair. I won't deny that. I think he leaned on me a lot while he was single because he didn't someone special in his life to care about him. And I know it's wrong.
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post #25 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 05:20 PM
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Re: What is he thinking?

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But for 6 years? Wouldn't a guy give up after a while? Seriously, I would think they'd get tired of not getting any action.

He threw it out there and he apologized. I wish I could replay our entire conversation for you. I care because if you knew our friendship you would know that he is the kind of person who will check on me if he knows I'm sick or going through tough times. This is not someone who does not care about my feelings, so that's why I care about his. If he even thinks he's said something to me that could have been hurtful he will ask me directly to make sure that never happens. Sorry, I just don't want you all to think he's a bad person.
I don't think he's necessarily a bad person, I just think you are both playing with fire spending time alone together. And the fact that he's hit on you when your both in other relationships is definitely not one of his finer moments.

BTW, Do you complain about your significant other's to each other? Do you turn to each other for friendship/comfort before you turn to your SOs? If so, I believe that is an emotion affair and it's unfair to your partners.

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post #26 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 06:16 PM
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Re: What is he thinking?

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
This guy wants to be with you, or at least get into your pants. No man sticks around like this in the friend-zone without that being his end goal.

You are worried about hurting him? He's not worried about hurting you and your relationship with your boyfriend. Each time he has pulled this kiss thing, he would have gladly had sex with you just for entertainment. He said that he wants a friends with benefits situation with you. That's all he's offering you. Why would you be so concerned about the feelings of a man who offers this?
Exactly. And I'd also question why you need this friend who's flattering you while you're in a LTR- could be that your LTR is not right for you? If you were married, you'd be engaging in an EA.

*I think if you're not married, you're able to date whomever you want, including more than one person, as long as you're honest about it.
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post #27 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 06:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What is he thinking?

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Originally Posted by introvert View Post
It sounds like he wants to have sex with you while keeping his own romantic relationship (and yours?) intact. Friends with benefits. This is not fair to either of your romantic partners. If you are truly interested in him, please end the relationship with your current partner. Honestly, I don't see a lot of benefit to being a FWB unless you are both between relationships and agree to take care of each other's needs without getting too emotionally enmeshed or serious with each other. His attitude says that you are good enough for sex, but not good enough for the long haul. I think he's a bit of a jerk. And frankly, if you are willing to do that to your partner, that makes you a bit of a jerk as well.

As an aside, if both of you are open with your current partners and everybody is completely kosher about you and friend getting it on- then, that's a different story. Just as long as all parties are in the know and in agreement.
We will not be getting into a FWB thing if either of us is in a relationship. I will not do that.
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post #28 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 06:24 PM
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Re: What is he thinking?

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Exactly. And I'd also question why you need this friend who's flattering you while you're in a LTR- could be that your LTR is not right for you? If you were married, you'd be engaging in an EA.

*I think if you're not married, you're able to date whomever you want, including more than one person, as long as you're honest about it.
Except that the OP has stated that she is essentially in a marriage, without a ring. I do think that she needs to be honest with her partner, but I sincerely doubt that he'd be okay with the whole thing.
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post #29 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 06:26 PM
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Re: What is he thinking?

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We will not be getting into a FWB thing if either of us is in a relationship. I will not do that.
Duly noted.
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post #30 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 06:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What is he thinking?

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So much concern about his true feelings. You know what they are, why are you still fishing...?

What about your "LTR that is basically a marriage"? What about the fact that you're basically having an emotional affair (please spare us and don't deny it)?

Why isn't the concern, how you're going to break this to your partner? Why isn't the concern, how to adjust this "friendship" so that the two of you don't disrespect your partner by 'kissing accidentally' again in the future?

OP, it is clear you value this man and his feelings more than your current partner. Don't lie to yourself. Why bother? You're young, you're not married. Break it off now (before you do some worse ish and seriously hurt your partner) and just see if it works with your friend.
Not fishing. I had genuine questions. Wanting to know what my friend is thinking is a legitimate question. And I can ask for additional adviceafter. That is the point of a message board, correct?
I agree, this is an emotional affair in some respects. Never said it wasn't.
I do not plan to tell my SO and do plan to make adjustmentss to the friendship.
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