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post #31 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 06:38 PM
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Re: What is he thinking?

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Originally Posted by introvert View Post
Except that the OP has stated that she is essentially in a marriage, without a ring. I do think that she needs to be honest with her partner, but I sincerely doubt that he'd be okay with the whole thing.
Probably not, but that's what dating is about, even long-term. The right thing to do is to let the BF know this is going on so he can decide if he wants to date others too.

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post #32 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 06:43 PM
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Re: What is he thinking?

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Originally Posted by dreamland1010 View Post
To clear one thing up, my LTR is basically a marriage without the ring. If that helps any. So, that's why nothing has happened. He has been extremely respectful to me and my relationship until recently...aside from the ONE time he told me he didn't think my significant other treated me right; and I respect the fact that he is in a relationship.
Several months ago he kissed me.

However a few weeks ago he did it again and he also blurted out something about friends with benefits

I told him that I care about him too, probably more than a friend should and that I get the impression that he also cares about me more than a friend should.

Something has already happened. This is dating.
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post #33 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 06:57 PM
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Re: What is he thinking?

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Originally Posted by dreamland1010 View Post
Not fishing. I had genuine questions. Wanting to know what my friend is thinking is a legitimate question. And I can ask for additional adviceafter. That is the point of a message board, correct?

No doubt


I agree, this is an emotional affair in some respects. Never said it wasn't.
I do not plan to tell my SO and do plan to make adjustmentss to the friendship.
What a great way to treat one's partner.
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post #34 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 07:10 PM
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Re: What is he thinking?

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But for 6 years? Wouldn't a guy give up after a while? Seriously, I would think they'd get tired of not getting any action.
He DID get tired of not getting any action with you. He got a girlfriend. This poor woman is his plan B, his stop-gap measure until you are available, or he can convince you to cheat with him. It's a cruel thing for him to do to her. And to you.

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He threw it out there and he apologized. I wish I could replay our entire conversation for you. I care because if you knew our friendship you would know that he is the kind of person who will check on me if he knows I'm sick or going through tough times. This is not someone who does not care about my feelings, so that's why I care about his. If he even thinks he's said something to me that could have been hurtful he will ask me directly to make sure that never happens. Sorry, I just don't want you all to think he's a bad person.
Uh yeah, he's a bad person. He's willing to cheat on his girlfriend, and is actively trying to convince you to cheat on your spouse.

He's terrible relationship material, and a poor excuse for a friend. This guy is actively trying to ruin your own relationship and turn you into a cheater.

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Not fishing. I had genuine questions. Wanting to know what my friend is thinking is a legitimate question. And I can ask for additional adviceafter. That is the point of a message board, correct?
I agree, this is an emotional affair in some respects. Never said it wasn't.
I do not plan to tell my SO and do plan to make adjustmentss to the friendship.
You're pretty poor relationship material there yourself, too, if you aren't willing to drop this false cheater friend out of your life and tell your spouse what's been going on because you feel awful about cheating on him emotionally and nearly physically.

If you can't be honest with your spouse, then dump him and go be with your friend. I'm sure he'd instantly dump his own girlfriend (or just cheat on her in case you change your mind) to be with you, and then you'd always be wondering who else he might have an eye for out there...
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post #35 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 07:14 PM
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Re: What is he thinking?

I'd end the friendship. Why would you want to stay friends with a guy who would cheat on his gf? Therein lies your answer.

When people show you who they are, always believe them ...the first time.

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post #36 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 07:45 PM
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Re: What is he thinking?

It's people like him that give us (people who can get into and keep decades long friendships with the opposite gender) a bad rep...
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post #37 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:12 AM
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Re: What is he thinking?

You have kissed him twice and you are emotionally involved with him. The reality is that you have already cheated. If you continue to be friends with him then you are only adding fuel to the fire.

Your best option at this point is to let your BF go and date the friend. You are not going to tell your BF of your relationship with this guy. As such, you are also lying to him. You are following the cheater's handbook word for word.

How would you feel if your BF was friends with a woman that had kissed him twice, expressed an interest in cheating with him, and still wants to be friends?

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post #38 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:12 AM
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Re: What is he thinking?

Are you attracted to him?

If your not attracted to him and hes just a friend then put him in his place by telling him that if it ruins your friendship then you guys were never really friends.

if your very attracted to him then its decisions time......either stick with your long term boyfriend (even thought he doesn't seem to be interested in marring you) or get out of that relationship and start dating. But until you end your currant relationship stay faithful. Or you compromising your morels and ethics.

sounds like hes a dud! too wimpy to go after what he wants and beating around the bush(pun intended) hoping to get some action.

yuck......most women would not be happy with a man like that long term.
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post #39 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:17 AM
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Re: What is he thinking?

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Originally Posted by dreamland1010 View Post
I have a male friend who I used to work with and have been friends with for almost 6 years (I'm late 30s,in a relationship; and he's mid 40s,in a relationship for the past year-ish). He and I became friends because we share the same sense of humor and enjoy some of the same types of things like music and movies. We occasionally meet up for lunch and every week or two usually hang out for a bit or catch a movie together; occasionally our significant others are there too like for a concert or other activity. I have been careful not to be touchy or flirty with him as that would be inappropriate. He has said things to me like “… I consider you one of my closest friends. I have always felt comfortable and unguarded around you. I can count on one hand the people in my life I have felt that way about. I care for you very deeply and would do anything for you. If you ever need anything even if it is just someone to talk to don’t hesitate to call me day or night…”

Several months ago he kissed me. I can’t say I didn’t ever think that could happen, but it did catch me off guard. I did make him stop and he later called me worried that he may have messed up our friendship. He apologized for doing that. I assured him that I wasn’t about to let that mess up our friendship. After that, things went back to normal. However a few weeks ago he did it again and he also blurted out something about friends with benefits. I called him later to ask him if he was serious about that. I didn’t think it was a good idea to just ignore the fact that he said that. He told me he had been thinking about that after he said it and that he didn’t think it would be good idea “at least not right now”. He told me that he cares about me a lot and that he worried it would change things between us. I told him that I care about him too, probably more than a friend should and that I get the impression that he also cares about me more than a friend should. I told him that if I could I would be open to being more than friends, but that neither of us is in a position for that to happen. He said that doesn’t want to lose our friendship that’s why he thinks “for now we should stay just friends.”

And now for my actual questions…

Does he have deeper feelings for me than friendship or am I completely misinterpreting him? What does “at least not right now” and “for now we should stay just friends” mean? It’s like he’s saying he wants something more at some later date. Does he think something’s going to happen with us later? I’m so confused. But mostly, I’m worried about his feelings because if he thinks somethings going to happen with us at a later date and it doesn’t (because it can’t since we're in relationships) I don’t want him to get hurt.
Put it like this, if he was really really into you as relationship material, he would not consider you as a potential FWBs. He is wanting to have the friendship and his cake also. Please lay down the boundaries clearly, tell him you expect to be treated with respect.

Perhaps the question you should be asking is, do you see him as more than a friend or as a potential partner, that is the real question.
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post #40 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 08:39 AM
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Re: What is he thinking?

He values your friendship.

But he is a man, you are an attractive woman so he wants you sexually, too.

It's what men do. And women, too.

He has already overstepped the boundaries a couple of times, so be wary of him.



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post #41 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 09:58 AM
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Re: What is he thinking?

You need to cut this "friend" loose and be honest with your "SO." You've been comfortable too long with this and he's provided an ultimatum in the form of an indecent proposal. I only hope that your "SO" is compassionate about you having an emotional affair with this person for 6 years.
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post #42 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 11:42 AM
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Re: What is he thinking?

You cannot continue a friendship with this man, not if you are going to continue in any other exclusive relationship. If you have feelings for each other, then end your relationships and give things a chance between you. To do otherwise is infidelity.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #43 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:17 PM
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Re: What is he thinking?

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Originally Posted by dreamland1010 View Post
He has said things to me like “… I consider you one of my closest friends. I have always felt comfortable and unguarded around you. I can count on one hand the people in my life I have felt that way about. I care for you very deeply and would do anything for you. If you ever need anything even if it is just someone to talk to don’t hesitate to call me day or night…”
Isn't that what your boyfriend is for? You don't say stuff like this to "just friends".

If a friend at work has to go away for a long business trip I let him know that if his wife, or SO, needs anything while he's away they should feel free to call me and I'll be happy to help. However I don't go out on a cozy 1-on-1 date with her and tell her that to her face that would be completely different.

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Originally Posted by dreamland1010 View Post
However a few weeks ago he did it again and he also blurted out something about friends with benefits. I called him later to ask him if he was serious about that. I didn’t think it was a good idea to just ignore the fact that he said that. He told me he had been thinking about that after he said it and that he didn’t think it would be good idea “at least not right now”. He told me that he cares about me a lot and that he worried it would change things between us. I told him that I care about him too, probably more than a friend should and that I get the impression that he also cares about me more than a friend should. I told him that if I could I would be open to being more than friends, but that neither of us is in a position for that to happen. He said that doesn’t want to lose our friendship that’s why he thinks “for now we should stay just friends.”
Do you seriously wonder how he's getting mixed messages from you?

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Originally Posted by dreamland1010 View Post
And now for my actual questions…

Does he have deeper feelings for me than friendship or am I completely misinterpreting him? What does “at least not right now” and “for now we should stay just friends” mean? It’s like he’s saying he wants something more at some later date. Does he think something’s going to happen with us later? I’m so confused. But mostly, I’m worried about his feelings because if he thinks somethings going to happen with us at a later date and it doesn’t (because it can’t since we're in relationships) I don’t want him to get hurt.
It shouldn't be the fact that you are in a relationship that prevents anything from happening between you, it should be the fact that the person you are in the relationship with is the only one you are intimately interested in. You told him quite clearly that the only reason there is nothing happening between you is because of your current relationship, in the absence of that there would be.

This thread sounds like you are in the wrong LTR.

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Originally Posted by dreamland1010 View Post
I see that by me saying that I could have led him on. I did say that very recently, so I had not been dangling that out there for years. Still, I should not have said that to him.
I agree with you there, however whether you said it or not you still thought it.

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But for 6 years? Wouldn't a guy give up after a while? Seriously, I would think they'd get tired of not getting any action.

He threw it out there and he apologized. I wish I could replay our entire conversation for you. I care because if you knew our friendship you would know that he is the kind of person who will check on me if he knows I'm sick or going through tough times. This is not someone who does not care about my feelings, so that's why I care about his. If he even thinks he's said something to me that could have been hurtful he will ask me directly to make sure that never happens. Sorry, I just don't want you all to think he's a bad person.
This again sounds as though you are getting the nurturing from this relationship that you should be doing from your LTR.

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Originally Posted by dreamland1010 View Post
Not fishing. I had genuine questions. Wanting to know what my friend is thinking is a legitimate question. And I can ask for additional adviceafter. That is the point of a message board, correct?
I agree, this is an emotional affair in some respects. Never said it wasn't.
I do not plan to tell my SO and do plan to make adjustmentss to the friendship.
If you are keeping this from your SO then you know that it's wrong.

I think you need to spend a little less time thinking about what he wants out of this and a bit more on what you want. Almost everything you've given here is the sort of thing that you should be getting from your SO.

I'm not against opposite sex friends, it really shouldn't be an issue, but there is nothing I would ever say to an OSF that I wouldn't say of my W and/or their SO were stood there with us. When you are hiding something from your SO there is a reason for it.
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post #44 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What is he thinking?

Thanks everyone for all of your responses. I have read them all even if I have not responded to them all.

Where I thought he was just being a good friend, I realize from many of your responses that he has probably always liked me more than a friend and has probably always been attracted to me to some extent. I think our friendship has been genuine, but I missed a lot of signs from him over the years because I did not see him as more than any other of my good friends. The deeper emotional aspect of our relationship is new and immediately preceeded his initial attempt at anything physical. I know it does not matter if it has gone on for a day or for years, getting emotionally close to him was wrong. I should have stopped that as soon as it started.

At this time, I do not plan to tell my SO what has happened (the emotional affair and physical affection my friend has attempted)... I have hurt him enough without him knowing. However, the emotional affair and physical affection is NOT something I will let continue. I will in no uncertain terms tell my friend that it absolutely cannot happen again, and that while I'm here for him as a friend he cannot confide in me and I cannot confide in him in anything on a deep emotional level... especially relating to our relationships with our SO's. He and I both need to recognize that this is inappropriate when both of us are / either of us is in committed relationships. If he can respect that then I'll know he's a friend; if he can't then I will have to cut him out of my life.

This may not satisfy many of you, but if any of you have constructive criticism on what I've said above I would like to hear it.
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post #45 of 49 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:53 PM
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Re: What is he thinking?

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He values your friendship.

But he is a man, you are an attractive woman so he wants you sexually, too.

It's what men do. And women, too.

He has already overstepped the boundaries a couple of times, so be wary of him.
Exactly.

And that is why it is naive to think you can nurture an opposite sex friendship where you spend quality time alone together when you're in a LTR with someone else - and not have this happen.
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