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post #16 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 11:37 AM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

The first trimester of pregnancy is where some women can lose their sex drive.
Plus around 6+ weeks is when morning sickness and nausea comes along.
She didn't initially want the baby so is probably struggling with some thoughts about it.
You need to have some empathy here, she's probably turning down sex simply because she's not feeling well.

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post #17 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 11:43 AM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Originally Posted by 482 View Post
Has anyone had issues like this with your woman?
She is not YOUR WOMAN. The fact you even said that tells me that you're a selfish guy who thinks of himself first and foremost.

Step back and let her process this for at LEAST a few weeks. And STOP demanding sex. Sex is what got her pregnant - of COURSE she's going to not want any right now!! Good grief.
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post #18 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 11:52 AM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

Cheerfully offer her to pay for an abortion, set up an appointment with an adoption agency, and leave her the hell alone when it comes to sex. See what happens.

"Always man needs woman for his friend. He needs her clearer vision, her subtler insight, her softer thought, her winged soul, her pure and tender heart. Always woman needs man to be her friend. She needs the vigor of his purpose, the ardor of his will, his calmer judgment, his braver force of action, his reverence and his devotion." ~Mary C. Adams
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post #19 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

Keke24,

Thank you for your input. I have been trying to do what she is asking its just sometimes things feel like they are getting back to normal so I start to talk about things like sex and the baby, bad decision every time. You're right I need to give her more time and just do what she is asking. Its confusing because sometimes she contradicts herself and makes it difficult to understand what she needs. Plus I'm such and impatient bastard and I know that's not good. Typical male show me the nail and I will go get the hammer. I have a hard time thinking someone may just want to talk about and come to terms with the nail rather than get the hammer. I did order the book His needs her needs just prior to this post funny you recommended it.
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post #20 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
So its been 2 whole weeks, your future wife just found out about a pregnancy she didn't want and is struggling to process it. and all you can think about is that it's been 2 whole weeks and you've only had sex once and she wasn't into it?

Way to make it all about you.

Think about how that makes you come across.

If it becomes months then I get that you'd be frustrated. But don't you think it reasonable to step back and give her time to process this? She didn't want to go through this again and now she's going to.

Take care of yourself for a few weeks and give her some breathing room.
I get it be more patient and listen more. I'm working on it and you are right and I have heard her say the same about making it all about me from her. I just have to come to terms with the fact that we may bot be unhappy for some time and that OK. I have never had this happen to me in the past so I am trying to figure this all out. Thanks for your input on this its helpful to get the perspective of others and to reaffirm some things she has said.
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post #21 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Here's how it seems to me. The two of you are impulsive and irresponsible, moving in together after being together less than 9 months and already planning marriage. each of you with dependent children. She finally made it clear (after you moved in together and started planning your wedding) that she doesn't want children, you made it clear you do, you've had major fights about it during which time you both said very hurtful things to one another (a sign of immaturity and anger management issues) and suddenly she's pregnant after only 7 months together, for reasons that are not clear.

It's my strong belief that when people get pregnant accidently, it's almost NEVER due to failure of properly used birth control, it's almost ALWAYS due to irresponsible sexual practices.

Anyway she's miserable about having another child, she went so far as to say your differences regarding having children is probably a dealbreaker, perhaps she's considering terminating the pregnancy, either way she knows the baby is something you really want and it's the LAST thing she wants, so the seeds of conflict are sown between two people who think they're compatible but really have no clue because no matter how well you think you know each other, you really don't, not after such a short period of time and the two of you do not know how to peacefully resolve conflict and she is unwilling or unable to discuss the issues that bother her, AND your sex life has suddenly dwindled to nothing and she's not willing to address that problem either.

If she has this baby, it will be raised in a broken home because the chances of the two of you working through this colossal disaster are slim to none. Even in BEST case scenarios second marriages with prior children fail over 2/3 of the time and in your case you've got just about everything working against you. It's time to get realistic and cut your losses. Tell her you understand if she's thinking about terminating the pregnancy, and either way, it's time to move out and take a break before getting involved with someone new who you will wisely make the decision not to ever marry because it will be an exercise in pointless futility.
Wow brother that is a lot of judgement there. I can take it if it was constructive or tough love but some of it is just rude. Impulsive and irresponsible is far from what we are. We are just old enough and have been through enough **** to realize what we want in a relationship. We love each other, our families and our kids. Cut my losses, abortion, etc. these things are not even part of the discussion. Facts about marriage failure rates don't do much for me if we want it to work, and we do, it will. We will figure this out together just like we have done everything else. Every issue is just a learning experience. Its not that she is not willing to address it its more that she is not ready to.
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post #22 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Originally Posted by troubledinma View Post
You lead. It's unexpected. You act excited about the child. You engage every way you can. Your excitement may show her and eventually get her excited too. The number one goal is to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the child. Give her space for ambivalence. She has a lot of work emotionally and physically. You unfortunately will not be a priority for a while.
You are right, thank you.
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post #23 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:32 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

Has she mentioned whether or not she plans on keeping the baby? I'm assuming so since you didn't bring up the alternative.

I'll echo the others. Give her time. She needs to process this. She very well may come to feel excitement over this pregnancy, but she has to go through the stages of her grief right now. I got pregnant very early on in my marriage and it was a HUGE speed bump for a couple of months because it was unintended (although the mistake was our own). My drive went from daily to 'not at all' for several weeks. Once I embraced that I was going to have this child, I started coming around. The best thing my husband did for me was to give me space. Nagging about sex made me want it even less. Seeing how he was showing me respect by backing off truly helped me come back around.
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post #24 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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It's not doomed, but it will take a lot of work. It's not helpful to claim it will be a broken home. The OP will need to work very hard and there is no guarantee it'll work. He needs to be ready to love that child regardless of whether mom goes along with it. The OP has total control over that.
Thank you. I have every intention on putting in the work. We will be great together.
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post #25 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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He wished for a baby. Now that he's apparently going to get one, it's clear he's completely unprepared for the consequences of what he wished for, which will be the demise of his relationship with a woman who has made it clear it's the last thing she wants. Having a baby doesn't necessarily change a person's mind about how they feel about having a baby. If there was any chance of their relationship surviving, despite the numerous problems, the unplanned pregnancy was the final straw.
Again not helpful and far from true. She will eventually accept and be happy with what is going on she just needs some time and support. We will be fine. Our relationship is strong.

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post #26 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:38 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Impulsive and irresponsible is far from what we are.
You moved in together and were planning to marry within 9 months of knowing one another, and you have minor children who are dependent on you. Yes, my friend, the two of you are in fact impulsive and irresponsible, I'm not being rude I'm being realistic. I'll also add "immature" because the two of you, when angry, say hurtful things to one another. I know you think this is normal, but mature, caring individuals do NOT say hurtful things to one another when there is conflict, in fact they don't even yell and scream at each other. I know I sure don't.

What sort of birth control was she on that failed after 7 months? I'll hold my opinion as to whether or not you were responsible when it came to that particular aspect until and unless more information is provided. Did she "forget" to take a pill, did you "forget to wear a condom" did you "rely on the pull out method?". You see those are 3 very common irresponsible reasons why birth control, which is almost 100% effective, can fail after only a few months.

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Originally Posted by 482 View Post
We are just old enough and have been through enough **** to realize what we want in a relationship.
We all think that. Even those who marry and have children in their late teens. Very few of us are right.

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Cut my losses, abortion, etc. these things are not even part of the discussion.
Maybe they need to be. In fact, "cutting your losses" which is the same thing as "breaking up" WAS part of HER discussion. Remember when she said "maybe I'm not the girl for you" shortly before you decided to get married because you are both so sure of what you want?

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Originally Posted by 482 View Post
Facts about marriage failure rates don't do much for me if we want it to work, and we do, it will.
Lots of people who get divorce wanted the marriage to work. Wanting something to work isn't enough when the two people are not only not on the same page but they are on different books on different shelves. The two of you aren't even in the same library.

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Originally Posted by 482 View Post
We will figure this out together just like we have done everything else. Every issue is just a learning experience. Its not that she is not willing to address it its more that she is not ready to.
I admire your ability to be so optimistic in the face of such a dire prognosis.
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post #27 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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I wonder if she is wanting to terminate the pregnancy and is afraid to bring it up. You are over the top with happiness about it but she made it perfectly clear she did not want another child, she is likely very conflicted with wanting to make you happy or making her self unhappy by having the child.

I know it's not what you want but you should bring it up. Personally I am against terminating pregnancy but that doesn't mean you need to keep the child, plenty of couples would love to have a new baby. I hate to say it but if she doesn't want a child there can be lot's of long term issues if she feels "stuck" with another kid.
Abortion is off the table, sure it was briefly discussed but neither one of us are willing to do something like that. I'm sure it will all be okay later, she has said several times she just needs some time to wrap her head around this whole thing. Its a lot given the situation.
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post #28 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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The two of you have moved ENTIRELY too fast. You not getting sex is the LEAST concern here, stop being so selfish. Your GF is pregnant with a baby she doesnt want, she is dealing with massive stress, so pleasuring you is the last thing on her mind. I am sure she is angry with you, and very likely is thinking of terminating the pregnancy. The whole situation stems from you two being irresponsible. Stop focusing on the fact that you arent currently getting laid and focus on the REAL issue here. You need to support her no matter what her decision is, she was pretty damn clear to you about her feelings on this.
Tough love but I get it. thank you
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post #29 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:47 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

I totally understand how your wife feels. The difference is that my husband and I both agreed when we got married that we would only have one child. When our child was a toddler, about a year after I got an IUD, I found out I was pregnant again. I ended up having a first trimester miscarriage about a month later. That was a very tough time in my life and it's as clear now as it was when it happened. I wouldn't for a moment have considered an abortion but I definitely didn't want to be pregnant a second time either. I felt trapped. And I felt very guilty when I miscarried because I felt it was my fault for not wanting to be pregnant in the first place. The doctor assured me I hadn't caused the miscarriage but that didn't make the guilt go away.

You wanted another child and she didn't. She probably feels you won and she lost. She's resentful. So, no, she doesn't want sex with you right now and she doesn't want to discuss the baby either. It's all very new and she needs some time to adjust. Give her that time.
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post #30 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:48 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

If you have it all figured out, then why are you here?

Abortion is off the table. I get it. It probably would be for me too (probably, not definitely.) But that doesn't mean adoption isn't an option. If she TRULY doesn't want another child, you truly do, offer to let her go and keep the baby.

In my most constructive voice: Bottom line is you are selfish. You mention she has mentioned it. You admit you are impatient. Saying you are "sure it will be ok" is a selfish statement. I'm wondering how much of this fast time frame was really pushing from you versus her idea. From what I've experienced personally.....and seen in other relationships, selfish people don't long get to stay with intelligent, independent partners. Everyone has a breaking point. You want things to work with her, learn how to not be so self centered. Like yesterday.

"Always man needs woman for his friend. He needs her clearer vision, her subtler insight, her softer thought, her winged soul, her pure and tender heart. Always woman needs man to be her friend. She needs the vigor of his purpose, the ardor of his will, his calmer judgment, his braver force of action, his reverence and his devotion." ~Mary C. Adams
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