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post #31 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Originally Posted by MrsAldi View Post
The first trimester of pregnancy is where some women can lose their sex drive.
Plus around 6+ weeks is when morning sickness and nausea comes along.
She didn't initially want the baby so is probably struggling with some thoughts about it.
You need to have some empathy here, she's probably turning down sex simply because she's not feeling well.

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You are right. Thank you. She has said a bunch she does not feel like herself.

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post #32 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:49 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Again not helpful and far from true. She will eventually accept and be happy with what is going on she just needs some time and support. We will be fine. Our relationship is strong.
You don't know what she will and will not accept!

Jeez dude it's all about what you want and what you believe, you seem to forget there's another individual in this picture who has her own ideas on the matter.

As far as your relationship being "strong", the huge disparity as to bringing a child into the world, the lack of communication and sex, her voiced opinion that maybe she isn't the girl for you, the fighting and the hurtful words exchanged, the relatively short time you've known each other.. that speaks for itself.
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post #33 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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She is not YOUR WOMAN. The fact you even said that tells me that you're a selfish guy who thinks of himself first and foremost.

Step back and let her process this for at LEAST a few weeks. And STOP demanding sex. Sex is what got her pregnant - of COURSE she's going to not want any right now!! Good grief.

Sorry you took it in a negative way when I said "your woman" but I feel as though she is my woman and I am her man. The rest I completely understand.
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post #34 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Cheerfully offer her to pay for an abortion, set up an appointment with an adoption agency, and leave her the hell alone when it comes to sex. See what happens.
Far from something we would ever do.
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post #35 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Has she mentioned whether or not she plans on keeping the baby? I'm assuming so since you didn't bring up the alternative.

I'll echo the others. Give her time. She needs to process this. She very well may come to feel excitement over this pregnancy, but she has to go through the stages of her grief right now. I got pregnant very early on in my marriage and it was a HUGE speed bump for a couple of months because it was unintended (although the mistake was our own). My drive went from daily to 'not at all' for several weeks. Once I embraced that I was going to have this child, I started coming around. The best thing my husband did for me was to give me space. Nagging about sex made me want it even less. Seeing how he was showing me respect by backing off truly helped me come back around.
Its great hearing from someone who has dealt with the exact same issue in some regards. Thank you
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post #36 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:58 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Far from something we would ever do.
Now this makes sense and explains the lack of communication and her unwillingness to discuss the issues with him.

When you've already decided the result of a discussion you've never even had, why even bother having it.
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post #37 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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You moved in together and were planning to marry within 9 months of knowing one another, and you have minor children who are dependent on you. Yes, my friend, the two of you are in fact impulsive and irresponsible, I'm not being rude I'm being realistic. I'll also add "immature" because the two of you, when angry, say hurtful things to one another. I know you think this is normal, but mature, caring individuals do NOT say hurtful things to one another when there is conflict, in fact they don't even yell and scream at each other. I know I sure don't.

What sort of birth control was she on that failed after 7 months? I'll hold my opinion as to whether or not you were responsible when it came to that particular aspect until and unless more information is provided. Did she "forget" to take a pill, did you "forget to wear a condom" did you "rely on the pull out method?". You see those are 3 very common irresponsible reasons why birth control, which is almost 100% effective, can fail after only a few months.



We all think that. Even those who marry and have children in their late teens. Very few of us are right.



Maybe they need to be. In fact, "cutting your losses" which is the same thing as "breaking up" WAS part of HER discussion. Remember when she said "maybe I'm not the girl for you" shortly before you decided to get married because you are both so sure of what you want?



Lots of people who get divorce wanted the marriage to work. Wanting something to work isn't enough when the two people are not only not on the same page but they are on different books on different shelves. The two of you aren't even in the same library.



I admire your ability to be so optimistic in the face of such a dire prognosis.
I really do not want to do back and forth about this. if you have something positive or helpful to say let me know.
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post #38 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:05 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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I really do not want to do back and forth about this. if you have something positive or helpful to say let me know.
Try taking a step back, and look at things as if you were in her shoes.

Good luck.
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post #39 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:08 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

My husband and I were married nine years when we had our first child. I was happy with one child, but my husband really wanted more children. We had another child about three years after the first. I thought we were done having children and I was careful about our pregnancy prevention method. Despite this, I got pregnant with #3. Our children are all space 2 years 9 month apart.

I was not happy about being pregnant. I cried when I read the positive results of the pregnancy test. My husband was overjoyed. He did not pressure me at all. He hugged me and told me that everything was going to be okay and this was a wonderful thing. He reassured me, but didn't pressure me. He gave me time to come to terms with everything.

After two girls, we had a boy. That boy has turned into a wonderful, loving young man. I have learned so much from being his mother and am eternally thankful for his place in our family. He truly completed our family. Of course when I was looking at the positive result on that pregnancy test, I had no idea that would be the case. It took a while to wrap my mind around it all.

Love your girlfriend. Just love her. Listen to her. Be there for her. Don't smother her or become needy. Be strong and reliable. She needs to feel safe and protected. She needs to see that the two of you handle anything that comes your way. Eventually she will come around and be fine, but it's going to take time. This is a major change of plan for her. She did not factor this in and is going to have to rework her life plan to include another baby.

If she sees you as more work or as someone she can manipulate or control, things will not go well with you. On the other hand, if she sees you as a life partner who can be relied upon who has her back and is not weak, she will be fine.


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post #40 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Originally Posted by CynthiaDe View Post
My husband and I were married nine years when we had our first child. I was happy with one child, but my husband really wanted more children. We had another child about three years after the first. I thought we were done having children and I was careful about our pregnancy prevention method. Despite this, I got pregnant with #3. Our children are all space 2 years 9 month apart.

I was not happy about being pregnant. I cried when I read the positive results of the pregnancy test. My husband was overjoyed. He did not pressure me at all. He hugged me and told me that everything was going to be okay and this was a wonderful thing. He reassured me, but didn't pressure me. He gave me time to come to terms with everything.

After two girls, we had a boy. That boy has turned into a wonderful, loving young man. I have learned so much from being his mother and am eternally thankful for his place in our family. He truly completed our family. Of course when I was looking at the positive result on that pregnancy test, I had no idea that would be the case. It took a while to wrap my mind around it all.

Love your girlfriend. Just love her. Listen to her. Be there for her. Don't smother her or become needy. Be strong and reliable. She needs to feel safe and protected. She needs to see that the two of you handle anything that comes your way. Eventually she will come around and be fine, but it's going to take time. This is a major change of plan for her. She did not factor this in and is going to have to rework her life plan to include another baby.

If she sees you as more work or as someone she can manipulate or control, things will not go well with you. On the other hand, if she sees you as a life partner who can be relied upon who has her back and is not weak, she will be fine.
Thank you for taking the time to reply it is very helpful.

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post #41 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:47 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Sorry you took it in a negative way when I said "your woman" but I feel as though she is my woman and I am her man. The rest I completely understand.
How does she feel about being called your woman??

I admit I am projecting because it sure bugs the living hell out of ME to be called someone's WOMAN. It's cave-man-ish.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #42 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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How does she feel about being called your woman??

I admit I am projecting because it sure bugs the living hell out of ME to be called someone's WOMAN. It's cave-man-ish.
Okay no problem she does like it.
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post #43 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:52 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Okay no problem she does like it.
How do you know she likes it? Has she actually said to you "I like it when you refer to me as your woman" or do you think she likes it because YOU like it?

I'm not arguing or attacking, simply asking. If it's the former, then you're all good.
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post #44 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:53 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Okay no problem she does like it.
Are you sure? My ex used to call me his 'ole lady' all the time and I secretly HATED it. Whenever he used the term I would grit my teeth and smile. I highly doubt that he ever even had a clue because he was way too wrapped up in himself.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #45 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:54 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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How does she feel about being called your woman??

I admit I am projecting because it sure bugs the living hell out of ME to be called someone's WOMAN. It's cave-man-ish.
Very interesting to see this phrase rubs some the wrong way. It's the norm in my culture so I've never even really thought about it.

So, same perspective on women referring to their partners as 'my man'?
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