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post #46 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:56 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Originally Posted by Keke24 View Post
Very interesting to see this phrase rubs some the wrong way. It's the norm in my culture so I've never even really thought about it.

So, same perspective on women referring to their partners as 'my man'?
The only place I would call him 'my man' is in the bedroom. Or possibly on an anonymous internet forum


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post #47 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:05 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Very interesting to see this phrase rubs some the wrong way. It's the norm in my culture so I've never even really thought about it.

So, same perspective on women referring to their partners as 'my man'?
Men are typically larger and stronger than women, so to say "this is my man" typically indicates the woman feels loved and protected. Women, especially given the societal bias in America which women have fought against for years, tend to see themselves as dominated, repressed, discriminated against and controlled, so when a guy goes around saying "my woman" it can easily be interpreted as a controlling sort of thing.

This guy could probably get away with saying "My woman"

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post #48 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:06 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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The only place I would call him 'my man' is in the bedroom. Or possibly on an anonymous internet forum
Very strange indeed. Was there a specific incident where it was used in a certain manner that resulted in you viewing it from a negative perspective? Same with the "ole lady" phrase. In my culture that one is a very strong term of endearment that's typically only used by older gentlemen who have been with their spouses for a significant amount of time.

Or was your negative perspective completely unprovoked?

While it's difficult for me to see these phrases in a negative light, I can certainly relate as I've recently moved countries and here, the common reference for a man getting a woman pregnant is 'breed'. A man suggesting that he wants to 'breed' a woman is perceived favourably, especially by the woman being referred to. However I find that incredibly crass and disgusting, way beyond 'caveman'. I couldn't even grit my teeth when I heard my partner use it, I wanted it completely eliminated from his vocabulary with me.
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post #49 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:24 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

You should support her during this difficult time, but I disagree with that it's solely her decision alone to make. If you are both thinking of marrying each other, these types of decisions should be made together. You need to take this woman off of the pedestal you have her on, and get real about your future.

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post #50 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:28 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Men are typically larger and stronger than women, so to say "this is my man" typically indicates the woman feels loved and protected. Women, especially given the societal bias in America which women have fought against for years, tend to see themselves as dominated, repressed, discriminated against and controlled, so when a guy goes around saying "my woman" it can easily be interpreted as a controlling sort of thing.

This guy could probably get away with saying "My woman"

Hahaha, I'm only now seeing this.

Your explanation makes a lot of sense. With that history, I can see how the phrase would be perceived negatively.
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post #51 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:45 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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First thanks for having me on the forums, this is my first post. I am a 38 year old man in in fairly new relationship that is moving fast. We have been together for about 9 months now. In the past 3 weeks we have moved in together. She has 2 kids from a previous marriage and I have one. She is a good woman who does not need me at all but wants me anyway. She can stand on her own two feet, she is beautiful inside and out, she is faithful and honest, this woman will be my wife soon. The topic of having another baby has come up throughout our relationship and in the beginning I was under the impression that she wanted to. I have always wanted to. As we talked more it became clear she did not want to have kids anymore. She once went as far as to say if that's what I wanted she is probably not the girl for me. This has been the one thing in our relationship that was a killer, something we fought about from time to time. Well she is now about 6 weeks pregnant even though she was on birth control. She is also 38 and ever since we found out about this she has been very unhappy and hard to read. Its been about two weeks like this. She does not want to talk about the pregnancy with me at all and if it comes up she is very brief and I can tell she does not want to talk anymore. When we have talked about it sometimes, we fought. Some of the tings she said were hurtful and some of the tings I said were also hurtful. The big issue for me has been that our sex life is suffering bad. In the last two weeks we had sex once and it seemed like it was just for me. Prior to this we had sex just about every day and it was great. She has asked me to just be there for her and understand she is upset but there is nothing I can do to help her. She wants me to not discuss things that are bothering me like our sex life. She does not want me to bring up things about the pregnancy. I have tried to explain that our sex life is directly tied to my happiness. The results of that conversation was typically that I need to not talk about that right now. Sometimes she has said I only think about my feelings and not hers. I do not feel this way because I would do anything for her but she has told me over and over there is nothing I can do to help. I find it very hard to deal with her rejection. I finally worked up the courage to ask her to have sex last night and she said "no thanks". She says if this happens I become disconnected and act weird. I can feel that but I do not know how to not do that when the woman I love who I had an amazing sexual relationship with is saying no thanks to my advances.
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2.)
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If she is telling you not to discuss things that are important to you, huge red flag. The first book explains the Alpha male vs Beta male. I was big on beta. You may be as well. I married a woman similar to what your saying. Marriage is like a amplifier, the things wrong now will only get worse. She may think she has the upper hand in the relationship. Dont let her. Read those books ASAP!
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post #52 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:47 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Marriage is like a amplifier, the things wrong now will only get worse.
That is an excellent way to describe marriage. An amplifier of existing problems.

I'm going to use this, thanks.

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post #53 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:57 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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If she is telling you not to discuss things that are important to you, huge red flag. The first book explains the Alpha male vs Beta male. I was big on beta. You may be as well. I married a woman similar to what your saying. Marriage is like a amplifier, the things wrong now will only get worse. She may think she has the upper hand in the relationship. Dont let her. Read those books ASAP!
Unless she is normally like this, unwilling to discuss issues, then I disagree. She just had a huge shock and rather than being supportive and giving her space, he is all over the place about how this is just what he wanted and asking for more sex. This is something they argued about and were thinking about breaking up over. Now he seemed to get his way without her agreement and she is understandably upset about it.

Now is not the time to go into adversarial mode. Now is the time to come together by having each other's backs. She may feel that he did not have her back and is trying to find her footing. She probably feels tricked, even though I don't think that is logical, it would be a normal response. Our emotional responses are not usually based on logic. If the OP makes it clear that he has her back and he is patient and available, but not needy, and not "see I told you so," then things should calm down within a reasonable period of time and they will be able to work through this together.

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post #54 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 06:43 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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First thanks for having me on the forums, this is my first post. I am a 38 year old man in in fairly new relationship that is moving fast. We have been together for about 9 months now. In the past 3 weeks we have moved in together. She has 2 kids from a previous marriage and I have one. She is a good woman who does not need me at all but wants me anyway. She can stand on her own two feet, she is beautiful inside and out, she is faithful and honest, this woman will be my wife soon. The topic of having another baby has come up throughout our relationship and in the beginning I was under the impression that she wanted to. I have always wanted to. As we talked more it became clear she did not want to have kids anymore. She once went as far as to say if that's what I wanted she is probably not the girl for me. This has been the one thing in our relationship that was a killer, something we fought about from time to time. Well she is now about 6 weeks pregnant even though she was on birth control. She is also 38 and ever since we found out about this she has been very unhappy and hard to read. Its been about two weeks like this. She does not want to talk about the pregnancy with me at all and if it comes up she is very brief and I can tell she does not want to talk anymore. When we have talked about it sometimes, we fought. Some of the tings she said were hurtful and some of the tings I said were also hurtful. The big issue for me has been that our sex life is suffering bad. In the last two weeks we had sex once and it seemed like it was just for me. Prior to this we had sex just about every day and it was great. She has asked me to just be there for her and understand she is upset but there is nothing I can do to help her. She wants me to not discuss things that are bothering me like our sex life. She does not want me to bring up things about the pregnancy. I have tried to explain that our sex life is directly tied to my happiness. The results of that conversation was typically that I need to not talk about that right now. Sometimes she has said I only think about my feelings and not hers. I do not feel this way because I would do anything for her but she has told me over and over there is nothing I can do to help. I find it very hard to deal with her rejection. I finally worked up the courage to ask her to have sex last night and she said "no thanks". She says if this happens I become disconnected and act weird. I can feel that but I do not know how to not do that when the woman I love who I had an amazing sexual relationship with is saying no thanks to my advances.
If you wish to understand this, think of a little child that is given a taste for drugs. As the drug penetrates the body of the child, it becomes addicted and its whole being cries out for the drug. To be without the drug is so unbearable a torment that it seems preferable to die. Now this is exactly what society did to you when you were a child. You were not allowed to enjoy the solid, nutritious food of life: work and play and the company of people and the pleasures of the senses and the mind. You were given a taste for the drug called Approval, Appreciation, Attention, the drug called Success, Prestige, Power. Having got a taste for these things you became addicted and began to dread their loss. You felt terror at the prospect of failure, of mistakes, of the criticism of others. So you became cravenly dependent on people and lost your freedom. Others now have the power to make you happy or miserable. And much as you now hate the suffering this involves, you find yourself completely helpless. There is never a minute when, consciously or unconsciously, you are not attuned to the reaction of others, marching to the drum of their demands. When you are ignored or disapproved of, you experience a loneliness so unbearable that you crawl back to people to beg for the comfort known as Support, Encouragement, Reassurance. To live with people in this state involves never-ending tension; but to live without them brings the agony of loneliness. You have lost your capacity to see them clearly as they are and to respond to them accurately because mostly your perception of them is clouded by your need to get your drug.

Anthony De Mello
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post #55 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

Thank you everyone for your input. I have not brought up anything to her about sex and I have just been there for her. I told her that I don't want to discuss sex at all until she is ready to. I told her that I am here for her if she wants to discuss how she is feeling about all of this. I also apologized for being so self centered and selfish about this. I have to be honest though its killing me seeing her upset all the time and not being able to do anything about it. When I ask her if she wants to talk about how she feels she just says nothing has changed, in other words, she is still unhappy. She really seems like she does not want to discuss it at all. Do you think me just being there and saying nothing is helping her? How long do you think I should let this go on this way it before I recommend we talk to someone together to start moving in a positive direction? Sometimes it seems like I'm living the definition of insanity but that may just be my impatience creeping in.

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post #56 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 10:24 AM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

If she REALLY doesn't want this baby she needs to address that. Forget about the sex - that's the least of your worries right now. She needs to figure this out before it's too late. 38 is rather old to be having a baby - she'll be almost 60 by the time the kid leaves home. You two need to sit down and have a true heart to heart and decide if you really want this kid. If she refuses to address it within the next few weeks then I would say drag her to a counselor or something. She's setting herself up for MAJOR PPD here, and you're going to be the one left holding the bag.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #57 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:22 PM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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. Do you think me just being there and saying nothing is helping her? .
As long as you're being supportive and encouraging and putting her needs ahead of your own, you are helping her.

It might not obtain your desired goal which is to live happily ever after and raise your child together as loving parents, but for the short term, it's all you can do. This is a slow process and you need to be patient, which you acknowledge is an issue for you. Think of it as an exercise in self control.

How long should you wait before you start pushing her for answers to satisfy your own agenda?

At least a few more days.
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