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post #1 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 08:50 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Struggling man looking for advice

First thanks for having me on the forums, this is my first post. I am a 38 year old man in in fairly new relationship that is moving fast. We have been together for about 9 months now. In the past 3 weeks we have moved in together. She has 2 kids from a previous marriage and I have one. She is a good woman who does not need me at all but wants me anyway. She can stand on her own two feet, she is beautiful inside and out, she is faithful and honest, this woman will be my wife soon. The topic of having another baby has come up throughout our relationship and in the beginning I was under the impression that she wanted to. I have always wanted to. As we talked more it became clear she did not want to have kids anymore. She once went as far as to say if that's what I wanted she is probably not the girl for me. This has been the one thing in our relationship that was a killer, something we fought about from time to time. Well she is now about 6 weeks pregnant even though she was on birth control. She is also 38 and ever since we found out about this she has been very unhappy and hard to read. Its been about two weeks like this. She does not want to talk about the pregnancy with me at all and if it comes up she is very brief and I can tell she does not want to talk anymore. When we have talked about it sometimes, we fought. Some of the tings she said were hurtful and some of the tings I said were also hurtful. The big issue for me has been that our sex life is suffering bad. In the last two weeks we had sex once and it seemed like it was just for me. Prior to this we had sex just about every day and it was great. She has asked me to just be there for her and understand she is upset but there is nothing I can do to help her. She wants me to not discuss things that are bothering me like our sex life. She does not want me to bring up things about the pregnancy. I have tried to explain that our sex life is directly tied to my happiness. The results of that conversation was typically that I need to not talk about that right now. Sometimes she has said I only think about my feelings and not hers. I do not feel this way because I would do anything for her but she has told me over and over there is nothing I can do to help. I find it very hard to deal with her rejection. I finally worked up the courage to ask her to have sex last night and she said "no thanks". She says if this happens I become disconnected and act weird. I can feel that but I do not know how to not do that when the woman I love who I had an amazing sexual relationship with is saying no thanks to my advances.

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post #2 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 08:56 AM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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First thanks for having me on the forums, this is my first post. I am a 38 year old man in in fairly new relationship that is moving fast.
So what is your question exactly? All you did was vent. Which is fine, a lot of people just come here to vent. If you're wondering why she's not in the mood to sleep with you, it's probably cause she didn't want to be pregnant so now she's not exactly feeling amorous towards you.

And yes..... you moved WAY TOO FAST on this. Not much you can do about it now that you knocked her up except buckle your seat belt. You're already stuck on the highway friend.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou

Last edited by BetrayedDad; 03-14-2017 at 09:01 AM.
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post #3 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 09:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

Sorry about that I guess you are right I am kind of venting. Not sure what the question is;

Has anyone had issues like this with your woman? If so how did it get resolved?

Is it normal to be asked to not discuss things that are bothering you in a relationship and to just be there?

I've never had a relationship where this happened.
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post #4 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 09:47 AM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

OP, I have been the woman who had zero interest in a sexless marriage. The worse thing you can do is nag about. There is absolutely zero chance of things improving if you do and a very strong possibility it will actually get worse. When a man nags about sex, it reinforces in the woman's head that he doesn't care about her feelings and is just interested in getting his rocks off. Most importantly however, it makes a man look weak. Nothing more unattractive to a woman than a weak man. Once a woman begins to perceive you as weak, it is very damaging, it is difficult for her to change even her own perspective. Furthermore, to shut you up, she will start giving you pity sex (I see this has already happened once). Do not accept pity sex. You do not want to know the things that run through a woman's head during pity sex. Again, it is difficult as a woman to begin to enjoy sex later on down the road after an extended period of pity sex. So if you want to not make things even more complicated than they already are, stop nagging her for sex.

Like your wife, I told my partner exactly what was wrong and suggested things that he could do to make things improve. She has told you: "She wants me to not discuss things that are bothering me like our sex life. She does not want me to bring up things about the pregnancy." Have you tried that at all? It's only been 2 weeks, give the woman some time. Seriously, put yourself in her shoes. She's pregnant, that is a pretty big deal, especially considering she did not want to get pregnant. She wants to be consoled, comforted, reassured that everything will be ok and you're in her arse about sex. Understand that you making the focus on you and your need for sex will be read as you being selfish and only caring about your feelings.

Clearly sex is one of your top love languages. Do you know what her love languages are? For many women, while sex is a love language, affection and intimacy are even more critical and lay the foundation for satisfaction from sex. If you do not know what her love languages are, it would behoove you to read the 5 Love Languages and His Needs Her Needs. I would reckon the conversation starters in there would be an excellent way to get the focus away from the pregnancy/your need for sex (the two issues she specifically asked you to not talk about) while addressing what each of you can do to better communicate your adoration in each others language.

Listen to your wife OP. She may not be spelling things out how you would like but if you learn to listen, you will see that she's telling you exactly what she really needs right now.
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post #5 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 09:55 AM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

So its been 2 whole weeks, your future wife just found out about a pregnancy she didn't want and is struggling to process it. and all you can think about is that it's been 2 whole weeks and you've only had sex once and she wasn't into it?

Way to make it all about you.

Think about how that makes you come across.

If it becomes months then I get that you'd be frustrated. But don't you think it reasonable to step back and give her time to process this? She didn't want to go through this again and now she's going to.

Take care of yourself for a few weeks and give her some breathing room.
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post #6 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 10:01 AM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

Here's how it seems to me. The two of you are impulsive and irresponsible, moving in together after being together less than 9 months and already planning marriage. each of you with dependent children. She finally made it clear (after you moved in together and started planning your wedding) that she doesn't want children, you made it clear you do, you've had major fights about it during which time you both said very hurtful things to one another (a sign of immaturity and anger management issues) and suddenly she's pregnant after only 7 months together, for reasons that are not clear.

It's my strong belief that when people get pregnant accidently, it's almost NEVER due to failure of properly used birth control, it's almost ALWAYS due to irresponsible sexual practices.

Anyway she's miserable about having another child, she went so far as to say your differences regarding having children is probably a dealbreaker, perhaps she's considering terminating the pregnancy, either way she knows the baby is something you really want and it's the LAST thing she wants, so the seeds of conflict are sown between two people who think they're compatible but really have no clue because no matter how well you think you know each other, you really don't, not after such a short period of time and the two of you do not know how to peacefully resolve conflict and she is unwilling or unable to discuss the issues that bother her, AND your sex life has suddenly dwindled to nothing and she's not willing to address that problem either.

If she has this baby, it will be raised in a broken home because the chances of the two of you working through this colossal disaster are slim to none. Even in BEST case scenarios second marriages with prior children fail over 2/3 of the time and in your case you've got just about everything working against you. It's time to get realistic and cut your losses. Tell her you understand if she's thinking about terminating the pregnancy, and either way, it's time to move out and take a break before getting involved with someone new who you will wisely make the decision not to ever marry because it will be an exercise in pointless futility.

Last edited by browser; 03-14-2017 at 10:07 AM.
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post #7 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 10:06 AM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Sorry about that I guess you are right I am kind of venting. Not sure what the question is;

Has anyone had issues like this with your woman? If so how did it get resolved?

Is it normal to be asked to not discuss things that are bothering you in a relationship and to just be there?

I've never had a relationship where this happened.
You lead. It's unexpected. You act excited about the child. You engage every way you can. Your excitement may show her and eventually get her excited too. The number one goal is to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the child. Give her space for ambivalence. She has a lot of work emotionally and physically. You unfortunately will not be a priority for a while.
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post #8 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 10:13 AM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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The number one goal is to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the child. Give her space for ambivalence. She has a lot of work emotionally and physically. You unfortunately will not be a priority for a while.
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post #9 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 10:15 AM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Here's how it seems to me. The two of you are impulsive and irresponsible, moving in together after being together less than 9 months and already planning marriage. each of you with dependent children. She finally made it clear (after you moved in together and started planning your wedding) that she doesn't want children, you made it clear you do, you've had major fights about it during which time you both said very hurtful things to one another (a sign of immaturity and anger management issues) and suddenly she's pregnant after only 7 months together, for reasons that are not clear.

It's my strong belief that when people get pregnant accidently, it's almost NEVER due to failure of properly used birth control, it's almost ALWAYS due to irresponsible sexual practices.

Anyway she's miserable about having another child, she went so far as to say your differences regarding having children is probably a dealbreaker, perhaps she's considering terminating the pregnancy, either way she knows the baby is something you really want and it's the LAST thing she wants, so the seeds of conflict are sown between two people who think they're compatible but really have no clue because no matter how well you think you know each other, you really don't, not after such a short period of time and the two of you do not know how to peacefully resolve conflict and she is unwilling or unable to discuss the issues that bother her, AND your sex life has suddenly dwindled to nothing and she's not willing to address that problem either.

If she has this baby, it will be raised in a broken home because the chances of the two of you working through this colossal disaster are slim to none. Even in BEST case scenarios second marriages with prior children fail over 2/3 of the time and in your case you've got just about everything working against you. It's time to get realistic and cut your losses. Tell her you understand if she's thinking about terminating the pregnancy, and either way, it's time to move out and take a break before getting involved with someone new who you will wisely make the decision not to ever marry because it will be an exercise in pointless futility.
It's not doomed, but it will take a lot of work. It's not helpful to claim it will be a broken home. The OP will need to work very hard and there is no guarantee it'll work. He needs to be ready to love that child regardless of whether mom goes along with it. The OP has total control over that.
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post #10 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 10:21 AM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Not sure what that means in this context. The OP needs clarity and advice. It's not time to worry about his relationship. It's time to prepare for the baby. His relationship will not be resolved for a long time. No advice we can give him will help with it. He needs to put the expectant mother first and support her and that includes acknowledging her feelings.

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post #11 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 10:27 AM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

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Not sure what that means in this context. The OP needs clarity and advice. It's not time to worry about his relationship. It's time to prepare for the baby. His relationship will not be resolved for a long time. No advice we can give him will help with it. He needs to put the expectant mother first and support her and that includes acknowledging her feelings.
He wished for a baby. Now that he's apparently going to get one, it's clear he's completely unprepared for the consequences of what he wished for, which will be the demise of his relationship with a woman who has made it clear it's the last thing she wants. Having a baby doesn't necessarily change a person's mind about how they feel about having a baby. If there was any chance of their relationship surviving, despite the numerous problems, the unplanned pregnancy was the final straw.
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post #12 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 10:47 AM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

I wonder if she is wanting to terminate the pregnancy and is afraid to bring it up. You are over the top with happiness about it but she made it perfectly clear she did not want another child, she is likely very conflicted with wanting to make you happy or making her self unhappy by having the child.

I know it's not what you want but you should bring it up. Personally I am against terminating pregnancy but that doesn't mean you need to keep the child, plenty of couples would love to have a new baby. I hate to say it but if she doesn't want a child there can be lot's of long term issues if she feels "stuck" with another kid.
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post #13 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 10:55 AM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

This is not a good situation to bring a child into- unwanted by it's mother, the relationship between two people who hardly know each other and cannot communicate with each other, rapidly going down the tubes with almost zero chance of recovery.

This child is not going to grow up in an intact home loved by two parents who also love and respect each other.

Unless it's adopted.
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post #14 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 10:56 AM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

I see faults on both sides...

She is pregnant against her will, and is "suddenly" uninterested in sex despite previously having a high sex drive *passive aggressive*. This is to get back at you for knocking her up, and it's not cool. She knows that having vaginal sex increases the likelihood of pregnancy, so in consenting to sex with you, she knowingly bore the risk of an unwelcomed pregnancy. No contraceptive is 100% effective.

You are being way too self-centered and pushy over the sex. Instead of being upset with your lack of physical intimacy in the present, channel those energies into showing her your commitment to a future with her and the family. Reaffirm that you're there for her. If she has concerns over another pregnancy in the future, suggest after the baby comes that you get a vasectomy or she gets her tubes tied, to ameliorate her worries about a repeat problem. Don't mention the "M" word; it could freak her out if her mind is not there already.

Slow down and adjust. In less than a year's time, you shacked up with this woman, combined your families, and now she's pregnant with your kid out of wedlock. That's a whole lot of change, so she needs to adjust. You and your kids need to adjust, too. Focus on that adjustment, not sex.
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post #15 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 11:19 AM
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Re: Struggling man looking for advice

The two of you have moved ENTIRELY too fast. You not getting sex is the LEAST concern here, stop being so selfish. Your GF is pregnant with a baby she doesnt want, she is dealing with massive stress, so pleasuring you is the last thing on her mind. I am sure she is angry with you, and very likely is thinking of terminating the pregnancy. The whole situation stems from you two being irresponsible. Stop focusing on the fact that you arent currently getting laid and focus on the REAL issue here. You need to support her no matter what her decision is, she was pretty damn clear to you about her feelings on this.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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