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post #16 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 05:26 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

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At this time you won't listen to anything and most here have been where you are but if you're smart you'll get it quick or continue down the path you're on and just take what you're given.

Read it and apply it if you want to come out of this the quickest and best you can
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LEV...N3NVyFT87XoeU-
I couldn't get that link to work if you can't try this one - https://archive.org/stream/RobertGlo...e_Guy_djvu.txt


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post #17 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 05:55 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

Since then i have found another guy who she works with has been round a couple of times (not stayed over) and she has stayed over at his (once so far) but has claimed nothing has happened but she is unsure how she feels about him but she claims she is being open and honest about it because she cares about me.

Your wife is definitely having an affair. Don't listen to a word she says- she's in an "affair fog" and is not thinking about you, only herself. If she's calling you a lot it's because she wants to keep you as backup in case the OM doesn't want her.

Your wife is a cheat and can't be trusted right now. I'd file for legal separation and get your kids back for at least joint custody, then expose and go dark until she agrees to end the affair with a no contact letter (if you want to reconcile). Beware it will be a long hard road. She will likely go through withdrawal from her affair, even if she's willing to end it and work on your marriage.
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post #18 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 06:00 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

The quick way is to just file for divorce. You can always slow it or stop if her actions warrant it.

However, make no demands or actions you aren't willing to back up.
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post #19 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 06:14 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

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Since then i have found another guy who she works with has been round a couple of times (not stayed over) and she has stayed over at his (once so far) but has claimed nothing has happened
I missed this part when I read your first post, I admit it, I skim.. only caught it because it was bolded a the post above this one.

Anyway you wrote that she stayed over some guy's place. Can you please elaborate as to what reason she gave for having slept over some guy's place?

Because as much as I'm trying to come up with a valid reason, only one keeps um.. popping up.
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post #20 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 06:25 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

She's lying and cheating.

She stayed over at his place but nothing happened?

Bull****.

DNA the kids and file for divorce.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #21 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 06:33 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

There is literally no way that she isn't deep in the affair. She makes less than you and is likely being coached by her boyfriend.

Her relocating to a more expensive rental will be on YOUR dime.

You need to see a lawyer yesterday. It's beyond vital.

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post #22 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 06:34 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

Guys let's go easy on the whole "She spent the night at some other guy's place so she must be cheating".

I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this which I'm really curious about.
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post #23 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:26 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

Jimmy please get your head out of your ass and please for god sake listen to these guys they know what they are talking about trust me when i say that your case is not that original......please take their advice.
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post #24 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:27 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

She's detached. She doesn't love you. When the acting distant started, that was when the affair started.

What she is doing:

She is feeding you breadcrumbs for several reasons.
1 she wants your financial support.
2 she doesn't want you to file.
3 she wants you to ball up and pine for her-- it's good for her ego.
4 she doesn't want to see another woman. Take her husband, even though she doesn't want you.
5 she will keep you in pain for as long as she can in order to feed her ego with your begging. You are her emotional security blanket.

If you don't file, you're messing up.
If you ever show her you care again, you're messing up,


Here's your future, if you allow it:

Your wife will keep you pining for her and supporting her financially and emotionally as long as possible. She will continue to sleep over at other men's houses (but not have sex, lol), and live like a single woman while you take care of the kids.
I'll bet she's been at the gym for a while, and shaving down there suddenly, new panties, too--- all while being "distant".
You'll be stuck watching your wife out with other men and happpy as a lark--- making you miserable.
If you don't get a deal on divorce when she might be a little guilty feeling, you're screwed. Please don't give her time to get her exit strategy divorce-wise totally figured out.

File.
Detach
Go out with other women, immediately. I only say that because other women's attn will help on the lack of confidence and self esteem induced by your wife's betrayal and rejection. Don't get serious with one for a long time.

Do not ever think this woman has feelings for YOU. Any sweetness she gives you is to keep you on the hook for her own ego.

She has plainly told you she doesn't love you. Accept it.

Please. Also accept that you WILL find a better version of her--- it won't be hard. She's a bad person.
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post #25 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:45 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

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Jimmac:

She is knee deep in this affair. The love chemicals are flowing, and they are all associated with the coworker.

There are a few steps you can take that will make this process better, however, don't mistake it for reducing the pain. There is no reducing the pain...all you can do is go through the pain at this point.

1. Reduce contact to discussions about the children only. Read about the 180; make it what you live and breathe.

2. She does not want to be with you. Give her exactly what she wants. Take yourself away as an option.

3. File for divorce. Consider having her served at work considering that is the location of her affair partner (AP). This is not necessarily the outcome you are looking for, but it puts her on notice that the clock is ticking to end her cranial rectal inversion or you will be gone.

4. Expose the affair to anyone important in your lives, to include her father/mother, sisters/brothers, etc. Do not expose at work unless you are certain that you want a divorce.

5. When she flips over being served and exposed, shrug your shoulders and tell her that you hope her and her new lover have a wonderful future together, and the only thing worse than losing her is sharing her, so you are ending infidelity no matter what happens.

6. When she starts to blame shift and gaslight (which she will, google both of these terms for better definitions), or she wants to talk about what you failed to do in the relationship, have a simple response: "Discussion about improving a relationship is for two people committed to each other. Until your actions demonstrate you are committed to our relationship, there will be no discussion about it. Every day you refuse to commit to our relationship makes it less likely that I will reconsider taking you back." Then walk away and do something you like.

Here is the thing, brother. You cannot allow her to dictate to you, the faithful partner, whether she will accept you back. That is YOUR decision, not hers. Respect yourself enough to show her you will not tolerate this situation.

Sorry you are here.

Do this and cut out the pleading and begging, you cannot 'nice' her back. Do the 180 hard, no contact. Show her that you are ready to move on and mean it. You have to be willing to lose this marriage to save it.
Further, you should do some introspection as to how you might have contributed to the breakdown. Did she ever complain about not meeting her needs? Were you focused on providing materially for her only?
However, none of this excuses her affair, that has to be nipped in the bud now by no contact and exposure.

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post #26 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:48 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

You really need to give up on reconciling. She told you she doesn't love you. That never changes back. Gotta accept it.
She is your enemy now.
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post #27 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 10:48 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

It's never ending, isn't it. Maybe it's in the water.

Look man, this stuff replays on here and other sites about once a week. The stories are all so similar at first I thought it was just one person trolling. However they have lasted way to long to be trolls. So we have to accept that this is just basically a ****ed up part of human nature. When a person hasn't trained their character enough to not be selfish then this is what you get. It actually makes sense in today's me first, instant gratification, entitlement, whatever makes you feel good society we have today.

Anyway, all that said this is the best way to handle what you are going through. Spend a good day reading each of these posts. You will see that they all have a lot in common. All of these are basically your best outcome. Still doesn't make it any less ****ty but at least you have some agency if you follow those who have gone before you.

Sorry you married an emotional vampire.

Last edited by sokillme; 03-14-2017 at 10:59 PM.
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post #28 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 01:51 AM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

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Originally Posted by jimmac1977 View Post
thanks for the replies.

Im not sure she is as deep in love as it sounds, I know he has popped round after work but then has left however she said she wants to move on and anything can happen.

Im doing the best i can from today to not talk about the marriage, nor this other guy. The main issue i have is i see her every other day because of the kids so have no choice but to talk to her, today is was just general chit chat but mainly about the kids, then she left.

so hard.
It doesn't have to be a Disney movie with a happily ever after. Right now she's banging this guy. That's all. If it sounds crude, it's meant to.

Wake up to reality. And listen to people here who have seen this, collectively, hundreds of times.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #29 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 03:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: advice on seperated wife

wow lots of responses, ive been in bed as im from the UK.

ok firstly, the point about her staying at this guys house, this was because he had invited her out for dinner and some drinks, I know she didn't get wasted because first thing the next day she was messaging about the me and the kids, saying she hoped we have a nice day etc etc. She had the whole day to stay with him if she wanted to but she went shopping around mid day.

Hes invited her out again so she tells me, so again im guessing she will be going over to his no doubt.

BTW he is single, ten years older than her and has no kids. ive met him a couple of times on her work occasions.

Im under no illusion that theres more to it and the comments about her keeping me in the background make sense.

Financially, shes not asking me for a penny, shes moved out and doing it all alone, she wants me to make sure I can keep the house so the kids have a future.

I know i have to accept its over, she doesn't love me.

Over here we dont have to file for seperation, you just do it which she has done.

She has suffered from depression various occasions and has low self esteem.

I will be following the 180 though, she cant be keeping me hanging. Over here to file for divorce we have to wait 2 years after the serperation otherwise its very expensive. Shes never once mentioned about divorcing me though.
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post #30 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 03:24 AM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

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Originally Posted by jimmac1977 View Post
wow lots of responses, ive been in bed as im from the UK.



ok firstly, the point about her staying at this guys house, this was because he had invited her out for dinner and some drinks, I know she didn't get wasted because first thing the next day she was messaging about the me and the kids, saying she hoped we have a nice day etc etc. She had the whole day to stay with him if she wanted to but she went shopping around mid day.



Hes invited her out again so she tells me, so again im guessing she will be going over to his no doubt.



BTW he is single, ten years older than her and has no kids. ive met him a couple of times on her work occasions.



Im under no illusion that theres more to it and the comments about her keeping me in the background make sense.



Financially, shes not asking me for a penny, shes moved out and doing it all alone, she wants me to make sure I can keep the house so the kids have a future.



I know i have to accept its over, she doesn't love me.



Over here we dont have to file for seperation, you just do it which she has done.



She has suffered from depression various occasions and has low self esteem.



I will be following the 180 though, she cant be keeping me hanging. Over here to file for divorce we have to wait 2 years after the serperation otherwise its very expensive. Shes never once mentioned about divorcing me though.

With all due respect, it's not her call anymore. You are divorcing her because she is abusing you.

She has a boyfriend and is in a full-on sexual and emotional affair. Adults don't go on dates, get drunk and sleep over each other's houses without having sexual relations. Because she was texting the babysitter (you) the next day doesn't change a thing.

This sucks man, get yourself away from her as soon as possible.

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