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post #1 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:25 PM Thread Starter
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advice on seperated wife

Hi,

I was wondering if anyone could help.

My wife of 3 years told me 3 months ago we were over (out of the blue) We have been together nearly 8 years and have 2 young children, im 37, she is 32.

We had moved into our new house that she had longed for because we were looking for the forever home. We moved in November but after we moved she was behaving very distant and unhappy.

After a lot of confrontations she told me she didnt love me anymore, she said she had felt like it for a long time. i did all the classic mistakes of being needy, pleading which pushed her further away to the point she decided to move out with the kids into a rented house, this was 1 month ago.

Since then i have found another guy who she works with has been round a couple of times (not stayed over) and she has stayed over at his (once so far) but has claimed nothing has happened but she is unsure how she feels about him but she claims she is being open and honest about it because she cares about me.

During the time she told me it was over she has either txt random stuff to me or called me daily. I went away over the weekend and I didnt call about the kids as I just wanted to have a break, she told me when i got back on Sunday that she had been waiting all day for me to call her about the kids.

I kinda lost it with her yesterday and started the begging and pleading and obviously want to save our marriage but she has said point blank, i dont love you and dont want to go back to the same relationship, she said it would be ok for 2 weeks then I would go back to how i was so it is definately over, it got a bit heated and i stormed out because our children were next to us and she was raging at me. She then sent me 4 txts after saying I need to tell her when im having the kids and storming out isnt solving anything, then she asked me to call after i didn't reply to any of them. I did call and we were on the phone for about an hour but she persisted that we are over and she needs to move on.

So, im really confused by it all, why txt me and call me, but then be so horrible to me and cold. I do love her dearly but she always throws it back saying you have only started showing love because she has left etc and she shouldnt have to tell someone how to behave which is why she cant be with me. She has removed her rings delibertatley about 5 weeks ago.

She has reeled off a list of pretty lame reasons to end the marriage, such as not cooking her dinner.

Ive obviously made things worse by losing it with her over this other guy so more damage has been done.

clearly i have things to work on and change but so does she however she is unwilling to give it a chance and blames it all on me.

any advice?

thanks in advance.

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post #2 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:36 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

What's odd is that she moved out of your new dream house with the children.

She didn't ask you to leave? I mean, it's good for you, not so good for them.

Give her space, and during your alone time decide if you really want to go back to a wife who is probably cheating on you.

Forget all that denial stuff she's giving you. Cheaters ALWAYS lie and deny, there is NO point in asking her if she's having an affair, if she's not, it will piss her off because you don't trust her. If she is, she'll be even more pissed off because, for some twisted reason, that's what cheaters do. They get angry at you for accusing them of being the terrible human being they actually are.
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post #3 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:43 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

Look up the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". My situation is similar but we haven't separated yet. The book opened my eyes and made me take a different perspective on things. We're not perfect, we're going to mess up and fall back to our old ways at the beginning. Just stay strong. Her constantly calling and texting may be her way of saying she's not really ready to lose you just yet, and there may be hope. But stop begging pleading or whatever else. You CANNOT let her see that all this is bothering you. When you're home alone, go cry in a corner for an hour, but DO NOT show any sign of weakness in front of her. If you truly want to try and save the marriage, do not mention anything about divorce just yet. Just let things play out and see what happens, and read that book.
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post #4 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: advice on seperated wife

yer, she wanted this house more than anything, then said she didn't like it after moving in! I didn't buy it though, its lovely

Problem is she doesnt earn much and moved to a house we used to own which she now rents however after my talks the other day, she is now looking to move again just after 1 month, more rent and again the children are dragged around to basucally get away from me.

Im not sure she has cheated yet, purely because she never has the time, she had the kids most days and nights because i leave early for work.

shes lost all her family over it, they are fuming with her behaviour, i do sometimes think she is suffering from depression.
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post #5 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:48 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

My W told me out the blue also but no confirmation of affair so just told me I'm not in love and I want a Divorce just like that, still in the process of the ups and downs but have some better days.

I also got/get the Texts and Calls like nothing happened and if I ignored and showed no interest she pursued the moment I show interest she went cold again FAST, I spoke with a Counselor and he called it the Withdrawal/Pursuit cycle, not sure if your situation is same but he told me the more you pursue the more they withdraw so best thing to do is work on yourself, enjoy some free time, do thing that make you happy and live your life, you can't control anything she does so just control what you can do and that is look after yourself and the children.

M - 12
Kids - 2
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post #6 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:53 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

Jimmac:

She is knee deep in this affair. The love chemicals are flowing, and they are all associated with the coworker.

There are a few steps you can take that will make this process better, however, don't mistake it for reducing the pain. There is no reducing the pain...all you can do is go through the pain at this point.

1. Reduce contact to discussions about the children only. Read about the 180; make it what you live and breathe.

2. She does not want to be with you. Give her exactly what she wants. Take yourself away as an option.

3. File for divorce. Consider having her served at work considering that is the location of her affair partner (AP). This is not necessarily the outcome you are looking for, but it puts her on notice that the clock is ticking to end her cranial rectal inversion or you will be gone.

4. Expose the affair to anyone important in your lives, to include her father/mother, sisters/brothers, etc. Do not expose at work unless you are certain that you want a divorce.

5. When she flips over being served and exposed, shrug your shoulders and tell her that you hope her and her new lover have a wonderful future together, and the only thing worse than losing her is sharing her, so you are ending infidelity no matter what happens.

6. When she starts to blame shift and gaslight (which she will, google both of these terms for better definitions), or she wants to talk about what you failed to do in the relationship, have a simple response: "Discussion about improving a relationship is for two people committed to each other. Until your actions demonstrate you are committed to our relationship, there will be no discussion about it. Every day you refuse to commit to our relationship makes it less likely that I will reconsider taking you back." Then walk away and do something you like.

Here is the thing, brother. You cannot allow her to dictate to you, the faithful partner, whether she will accept you back. That is YOUR decision, not hers. Respect yourself enough to show her you will not tolerate this situation.

Sorry you are here.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #7 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 03:32 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

Here is the info on the 180 I just copies and pasted as not sure if allowed to add links.

I managed to do some things and it does help you feel a little better and more in control of your life, I still back track every once in a while though but keep managing to go forward even if I am just crawling. Mistakes I made was I took a while to detach without being too cold and opening back up way to quick if she showed interest which sets you back bad and one last thing I initially started trying to implement this to 'Win' back my W but it is really for protecting you and helping you along with the situation, if your wife comes back to you great but don't do it for her do it for your mental health and sanity.

# 27 is most important for me as lack of sleep, exercise, appetite made anxiety so bad I felt like a nervous breakdown was imminent but getting diet/sleep and everything in check takes the edge of a little, you are already feeling bad so no reason to add extra stress to your mind and body.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.

M - 12
Kids - 2

Last edited by MovingForward; 03-14-2017 at 05:14 PM.
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post #8 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 04:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: advice on seperated wife

thanks for the replies.

Im not sure she is as deep in love as it sounds, I know he has popped round after work but then has left however she said she wants to move on and anything can happen.

Im doing the best i can from today to not talk about the marriage, nor this other guy. The main issue i have is i see her every other day because of the kids so have no choice but to talk to her, today is was just general chit chat but mainly about the kids, then she left.

so hard.
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post #9 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 04:58 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

You're not listening.

When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, come on back. Then you'll be ready.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #10 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 05:06 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by jimmac1977 View Post
Hi,

I was wondering if anyone could help.

My wife of 3 years told me 3 months ago we were over (out of the blue) We have been together nearly 8 years and have 2 young children, im 37, she is 32.

We had moved into our new house that she had longed for because we were looking for the forever home. We moved in November but after we moved she was behaving very distant and unhappy.

After a lot of confrontations she told me she didnt love me anymore, she said she had felt like it for a long time. i did all the classic mistakes of being needy, pleading which pushed her further away to the point she decided to move out with the kids into a rented house, this was 1 month ago.

Since then i have found another guy who she works with has been round a couple of times (not stayed over) and she has stayed over at his (once so far) but has claimed nothing has happened but she is unsure how she feels about him but she claims she is being open and honest about it because she cares about me.

Total lie. They are having sex and the affair probably started at work. Check your phone bill online. You'll probably be shocked.

During the time she told me it was over she has either txt random stuff to me or called me daily. I went away over the weekend and I didnt call about the kids as I just wanted to have a break, she told me when i got back on Sunday that she had been waiting all day for me to call her about the kids.

No contact except kids and business text or email only. Never answer a call direct. Let it go to voicemail. If anything is not relevant no response needed.

I kinda lost it with her yesterday and started the begging and pleading and obviously want to save our marriage but she has said point blank, i dont love you and dont want to go back to the same relationship, she said it would be ok for 2 weeks then I would go back to how i was so it is definately over, it got a bit heated and i stormed out because our children were next to us and she was raging at me. She then sent me 4 txts after saying I need to tell her when im having the kids and storming out isnt solving anything, then she asked me to call after i didn't reply to any of them. I did call and we were on the phone for about an hour but she persisted that we are over and she needs to move on.

Worse thing you could ever do in these situations. You can't make hedo anything and these actions give her all the power over you and make you look weak and pitifull especially compared to her other man. You can't get strong and stop talking at her beck and call you lose. Better wake up!!!!!

So, im really confused by it all, why txt me and call me, but then be so horrible to me and cold. I do love her dearly but she always throws it back saying you have only started showing love because she has left etc and she shouldnt have to tell someone how to behave which is why she cant be with me. She has removed her rings delibertatley about 5 weeks ago.

She has reeled off a list of pretty lame reasons to end the marriage, such as not cooking her dinner.

Rewriting the marital history to justify her actions. Cheater script.

Ive obviously made things worse by losing it with her over this other guy so more damage has been done.

clearly i have things to work on and change but so does she however she is unwilling to give it a chance and blames it all on me.

any advice?

thanks in advance.
Get evidence and expose the affair. It's your only hope. If he's married inform his wife.
NO WARNING!!!!! Better listen up!!!!


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post #11 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 05:09 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by jimmac1977 View Post
thanks for the replies.

Im not sure she is as deep in love as it sounds, I know he has popped round after work but then has left however she said she wants to move on and anything can happen.

Im doing the best i can from today to not talk about the marriage, nor this other guy. The main issue i have is i see her every other day because of the kids so have no choice but to talk to her, today is was just general chit chat but mainly about the kids, then she left.

so hard.
It will take a while to get your mind somewhat right but you will get there, I was in a huge depression and could not do a thing but then you start taking small steps and start to see things a little clearer and day by day you start to have more good moments.

Go out, vent to friends, wear yourself out with exercise, watch shows and eat foods she didn't like that you didn't get a chance before and generally just keep busy talk to as many people as possibly getting it off your chest helps a lot and was another mistake I made keeping it bottled up.

Do not mope and be sad in front of her just be excited to see the children and enjoy your time with them.

M - 12
Kids - 2
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post #12 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 05:11 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by jimmac1977 View Post
yer, she wanted this house more than anything, then said she didn't like it after moving in! I didn't buy it though, its lovely

Problem is she doesnt earn much and moved to a house we used to own which she now rents however after my talks the other day, she is now looking to move again just after 1 month, more rent and again the children are dragged around to basucally get away from me.

Im not sure she has cheated yet, purely because she never has the time, she had the kids most days and nights because i leave early for work.

shes lost all her family over it, they are fuming with her behaviour, i do sometimes think she is suffering from depression.
Typical betrayed spouse in denial. You don't want to believe what's hapening in front of your eyes and are willingly swallowing her lies because the truth hurts too much to accept.

This will keep you in limbo hell. Better wake up to who she is and what she's doing. Everyone else sees it. Burying your head in the sand will just put you in worse shape and keep you there.

Last edited by Marc878; 03-14-2017 at 05:16 PM.
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post #13 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 05:11 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

And keep posting on here, there are so many people with good feedback and ready to offer support and encouragement.

M - 12
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post #14 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 05:15 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by jimmac1977 View Post
thanks for the replies.

Im not sure she is as deep in love as it sounds, I know he has popped round after work but then has left however she said she wants to move on and anything can happen.

Im doing the best i can from today to not talk about the marriage, nor this other guy. The main issue i have is i see her every other day because of the kids so have no choice but to talk to her, today is was just general chit chat but mainly about the kids, then she left.

so hard.
You aren't no contact because you don't want to be. Pickups and drops offs can/should be a 5 minute exercise. You just say "I gotta go". Then leave or go inside and shut the door. Your actions or lack of actions are telling her you accept what she's doing and you're there for her no matter what she does to you. BETTER WAKE UP and stop with the excuses.

Life on breadcrumbs will make this even harder.
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post #15 of 44 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 05:19 PM
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Re: advice on seperated wife

At this time you won't listen to anything and most here have been where you are but if you're smart you'll get it quick or continue down the path you're on and just take what you're given.

Read it and apply it if you want to come out of this the quickest and best you can
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LEV...N3NVyFT87XoeU-
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