How would you define 'nagging'? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:46 AM Thread Starter
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How would you define 'nagging'?

I think we would all agree that 'nagging' is not a positive way of communicating needs in a marriage and ultimately risks feelings of resentment - and lets face it - its very unattractive.

However, for some people there comes a time when you have to remind your partner to do the most basic of things (that are very important). Or without constant reminding chores become a one person job.

I sometimes feel afraid to ask because I don't want to be a 'nag' and as a consequence things don't get done or I am the only one to do things.

So....at what point does persistent 'reminding' turn into nagging?

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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:51 AM
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Re: How would you define 'nagging'?

If the reminder is wanted or appreciated, it is not nagging.

Why the receiver is not pulling their weight, nor wants to, they call it nagging.
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:57 AM
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Re: How would you define 'nagging'?

I think the term has no place in relationships.

It's rude, dismissive, and demeaning and is often used by men who are then "shocked" when their wife decides she's done with him.

To me it's like labelling a spouse "jealous"....it's a way to shut down what is often legitimate boundary concerns.

If your wife is asking for something it should matter enough to address.
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:00 AM
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Re: How would you define 'nagging'?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I think the term has no place in relationships.

It's rude, dismissive, and demeaning and is often used by men who are then "shocked" when their wife decides she's done with him.

To me it's like labelling a spouse "jealous"....it's a way to shut down what is often legitimate boundary concerns.

If your wife is asking for something it should matter enough to address.
It is often used by women too. If your husband is asking for something it should matter enough to address.
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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:28 AM
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Re: How would you define 'nagging'?

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Originally Posted by peacem View Post
I sometimes feel afraid to ask because I don't want to be a 'nag' and as a consequence things don't get done or I am the only one to do things.
That's because Mr. Self Entitled thinks he's doing YOU a favor and 'helping you out' when he does these chores, rather than recognizing that it's HIS responsibility to do certain things in life like a big boy.

I'd make it my number one priority to 'forget' how important the chores of cooking for his lazy ass and doing his laundry are.
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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:33 AM
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Re: How would you define 'nagging'?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I think the term has no place in relationships.

It's rude, dismissive, and demeaning and is often used by men who are then "shocked" when their wife decides she's done with him.

To me it's like labelling a spouse "jealous"....it's a way to shut down what is often legitimate boundary concerns.

If your wife is asking for something it should matter enough to address.
And then there is actual nagging, which is often a cover for deeper issues of insecurity from one partner.

It's not necessarily derogatory if it's true.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How would you define 'nagging'?

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I think the term has no place in relationships.

It's rude, dismissive, and demeaning and is often used by men who are then "shocked" when their wife decides she's done with him.

To me it's like labelling a spouse "jealous"....it's a way to shut down what is often legitimate boundary concerns.

If your wife is asking for something it should matter enough to address.
This is what I have been thinking about. So...I have been reading about 18th and 19th century court cases where domestic abuse (which sometimes led to death) could be dismissed with a small fine if the defendant could convince the judge that his wife was a 'nag' (among other things). This obviously didn't apply the other way round.

What struck me as shocking was not so much the inequality of justice, as justice has always been unequal, but the definition of a 'nag' is so very loose and subjective. I could be described as a 'nag' by one person, but another may see me as someone who efficiently delegates tasks.
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:38 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How would you define 'nagging'?

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Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
That's because Mr. Self Entitled thinks he's doing YOU a favor and 'helping you out' when he does these chores, rather than recognizing that it's HIS responsibility to do certain things in life like a big boy.

I'd make it my number one priority to 'forget' how important the chores of cooking for his lazy ass and doing his laundry are.
Its not quite like that, but I get your point (and feel your pain). My husband has a control freak mother who would delegate tasks, and I think I pretty much slipped into this role far to easily. It is habitual to wait to be asked by the matriarch before doing things. (I don't see myself as a matriarch - as I am generally submissive but that is how he thinks things should be done).

As blue says - he's excellent with the jobs he likes doing, but with the not so fun jobs I sometimes feel like I have to repeat myself to the point of giving up.

Last edited by peacem; 03-15-2017 at 11:48 AM.
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:40 AM
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Re: How would you define 'nagging'?

If I'm not doing something she wants me to I need to explain why. Other than that the best way to prevent nagging is do her stuff, it's important to her.



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:41 AM
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Re: How would you define 'nagging'?

Quote:
Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
That's because Mr. Self Entitled thinks he's doing YOU a favor and 'helping you out' when he does these chores, rather than recognizing that it's HIS responsibility to do certain things in life like a big boy.

I'd make it my number one priority to 'forget' how important the chores of cooking for his lazy ass and doing his laundry are.
You are very consistent. Are you still married to him?




Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:56 AM
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Re: How would you define 'nagging'?

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Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
It is often used by women too. If your husband is asking for something it should matter enough to address.
Please point to where I said it didn't?

We're talking about the term "nagging", which is generally used on women. When is it used to describe men's concerns? When was the last time we labeled a married guy's complaints about his poor sex life "nagging"?

Answer: we don't, nor should we.

What does your post have to do with what I said?

I bring up an issue and instead of addressing it your response it to point fingers at the other side?

Way to avoid addressing anything.

You use this same tactic in political discussions too.

Just saying.

Last edited by lifeistooshort; 03-15-2017 at 12:11 PM.
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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:56 AM
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Re: How would you define 'nagging'?

I think it's all about the tone of voice that you use.
People will automatically get defensive if a tone of voice is raised or sarcastic.

It could be down to if the person feels respect or not.

My husband will react negatively if I use even the slightest firm tone, he sees it as a command and doesn't seem to like it, but normal sweet voice he's got no issues. His mother was a very dominant figure so maybe that's why he doesn't like it.

The cat responds to firm tone, husband responds to sweet tone, sometimes I get mixed up!

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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 12:00 PM
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Re: How would you define 'nagging'?

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
And then there is actual nagging, which is often a cover for deeper issues of insecurity from one partner.

It's not necessarily derogatory if it's true.
I see what you mean, but isn't determining if it's true highly subjective?

I still think it's dismissive. If there's a deep insecurity it needs to be dealt with.....dismissing it as nagging solves nothing.

What if my husband had deep insecurity issues after being cheated on and needed some extra reassurance? What would it solve if I labeled it nagging and ignored it?

Last edited by lifeistooshort; 03-15-2017 at 12:04 PM.
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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 12:17 PM
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Re: How would you define 'nagging'?

I'm big on boundaries in a marriage. Send him an email listing all of the chores that need to be done on a daily, weekly, biweekly, and monthly basis and ask him which half he'd like to take (assuming you both work full-time). As a SAHM, I do more domestic chores but I also have it down to how many hours they take and if I'm unable to fit them into the day (on top of my hobby job, caring for my children, and sports practice shuttling), then I let my husband know we need to make time for it together or hire help.

Once he agrees which half or 1/3 or whatever is workable with the hours you both have, don't do those chores. Give it a few weeks. If they aren't getting done by him, send him another email with referrals and price quotes for hiring it out.

It's only nagging if you're constantly on someone's back, just like it's only passive aggressive behavior if he agrees to do the chores and then doesn't follow through.

It may be he just doesn't know how much actually needs to be done.
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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 12:31 PM
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Re: How would you define 'nagging'?

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
I'm big on boundaries in a marriage. Send him an email listing all of the chores that need to be done on a daily, weekly, biweekly, and monthly basis and ask him which half he'd like to take (assuming you both work full-time). As a SAHM, I do more domestic chores but I also have it down to how many hours they take and if I'm unable to fit them into the day (on top of my hobby job, caring for my children, and sports practice shuttling), then I let my husband know we need to make time for it together or hire help.

Once he agrees which half or 1/3 or whatever is workable with the hours you both have, don't do those chores. Give it a few weeks. If they aren't getting done by him, send him another email with referrals and price quotes for hiring it out.

It's only nagging if you're constantly on someone's back, just like it's only passive aggressive behavior if he agrees to do the chores and then doesn't follow through.

It may be he just doesn't know how much actually needs to be done.
I like your idea. How do you handle it if one party decides that a certain chore is unnecessary, or doesn't need to be done as frequently? I could see that chore landing on the person who believes it is important. If the finances aren't there, I could see arguments ensuing if the (dirtier) person doesn't want to do the chore and doesn't want to pay for it to be done either.
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