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post #16 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 06:04 PM
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
They have only been seeing each other for 6 weeks, not everyone has sex straight away.
Fortunately in the Western world, the majority of us do have sex straight away.

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post #17 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 06:44 PM
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

Well you said the word introvert and that got my attention, because I am as well. You have to understand she has her routine and she needs her weekends to decompress, for her to give that up or change her routine it is going to take strong feelings on her part. Right now you are just a casual person of interest, not nearly as important as her weekend to herself time, but that can change. Don't take it as insulting, it's just how her brain is wired. If her emotions toward you grow stronger she will want more time with you, introverts love intimate relationships, would much rather be one on one than be in a crowd.

Your comments on sex may be a little off putting for her. Making a declaration that sex is off the table until you're sure of the relationship can be a bit scary for her. Introverts are sensitive, they crave intimacy but not at the cost of hurting another. Now she has to be careful, she knows when you are ready for sex that means you are all in, so right now she is measuring her emotions very carefully to see if there's a strong enough connection for her to commit or not.

Another thing to consider is you have a kid and she doesn't, that can easily make her feel like a third wheel.

Or I could just be rambling in stupidity and she actually has someone she's hooking up with on the weekends. Did you ask her if she is seeing anyone else?
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post #18 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:33 AM
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

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Originally Posted by Personal View Post
Fortunately in the Western world, the majority of us do have sex straight away.
Fortunately there are still many who wait a while.
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post #19 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:33 AM Thread Starter
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Thank you all so, so much for all the fantastic replies. I've gotten a lot of reassurance and a lot of new insight. This has been very helpful and I'm really glad I made this post.

Especially the answers opening what being an introverted person is like opened a lot of new thoughts for me. My whole family is full of super-extroverts, and I'm fairly extroverted too. I have very little experience of being closer to a more introverted person and I now realise I have to educate myself on this. Also I have a side that could be described as being autistic. It is very hard for me to read subtle messages and I benefit a lot from very open verbal communication.

As for dating, we've talked about our dating past openly and she has given me the impression that she is not seeing other people at the moment.

As for talking about sex: I can understand how the way I approached the issue can be off - putting. But, if she on her side is really into me, she'll hopefully understand that there are some things that she has to on her end be patient and understanding with as well. This is something that I think is related to my challenges in perceiving and interpreting subtle messages. I need to hear certain things said out loud with clear communication.

Right now I'm in a place where sharing something as intimate as sex would make me very vulnerable and exposed, and I do not want to rush into it. She does know I have sexual feelings for her though, as do I know that she those feelings for me too. And it's getting stronger with time.

I know many people in the western world have sex pretty early in the relationship, I've done that too with some people, but it just doesn't usually feel good to me. That's just how I'm wired. Maybe there's some kind of shaky analogy between her relationship to weekends and mine to sex? I like to keep it to myself as long as I really am ready to let the other person close to me. Unless it's just casual friends with benefits thing, which are nice when I'm not seeing anyone (now those are of course off the table).
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post #20 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 05:17 AM
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

There's supposed to be a very good book on introverts called 'Quiet' (by Susan Cain). Sadly this introvert has yet to read it, but my extroverted girlfriend checked it out and started reading it. Like you, she's not used to being close to an introvert. When we first talked about her being included in my "routine", she thought being scheduled was a bad thing. Not long after, she realized that she WANTED to be part of my regular routine because those things are my top priorities, lol.

When we first started getting to know each other, I was more restrictive with my time and the phone calls. But once we started dating (and she showed she could respect my need for time), that allocation crept up. Now she gets multiple calls a week and gets to see me most weekends. (She gets to spend the night and has her own bathroom here with all of her things. I've dated two others before her that were never allowed those things, even when it was late.) So hang in there. She may allow/start to allow you "special" things that you won't immediately recognize as being special, but those will be a good indication of your progress with her.

It's awesome that you are holding off on sex! Stick with that and reserve it until you're in a more established place with her, especially if it makes you feel vulnerable. I would say the connection you're making - sex for you, weekends for her - may be something. My time and emotional energy are (for me) the most valuable things I can offer. (A lot of people don't realize that social interaction is draining for most introverts - no matter who it is or how fun the activity is.)

Have you been clear in expressing how you communicate/work best? It may be that if she's an indirect person, you two would have to work on that together. But it would have to be done gently. Best to avoid starting out statements with "you need to" or "you have to". May be too early for this yet. Just take your time.

Your hand got too cold and I lost the grip.
From that day, I kept a message that you sent.

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Last edited by soulpotato; 03-16-2017 at 11:42 AM.
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post #21 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 07:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

Thank you soulpotato very much for the book tip. It's available at my local library and I made a reservation right away! Today has been a real eye opener. I've read a few articles about dating and introvert and girl, have I done some things wrong (like talking way too much, which escalates veeerrry easily when I'm nervous)! Well, the good thought of the day is that she must really be interested in me to still be around. Also, today is the third day this week we're seeing (out of her initiative) so I'm feeling like a high priority on her list at the moment. ^_^

Communication is one thing that we definitely need to work on. The reason why I originally thought that I wouldn't have asked her out, was because I did not understand a big portion of her communication. And in the past six weeks there has been some heartache that could've been avoided with better and more direct communication. We've talked about relationship-related stuff on two days this week, I'm going to give it a rest today and just enjoy the sun and the warmth and her presence and maybe next week or the week after that I'll talk to her about communication a bit more. What flows naturally.

I do know that the most important thing for me is that whatever grows between us, grows because both want it out of their free will and that there's no pressure involved. If she doesn't want to see me on weekends, then there'd be absolutely no point in seeing on weekends because I wouldn't want to be close to her if she did not want my closeness. This just has been so very baffling because this is unlike anything I've ever experienced in my life and I'm in an very unfamiliar territory. And to be brutally honest, I've never felt this terrible about falling for someone. I've had so much heart ache and anxiousness in the past weeks that it's just ridiculous, probably a lot to do with my neuroatypical side and being out of the comfort zone of my daily routines. The early phase of dating and falling for someone, definitely not my thing. But I've endured through it all so far without letting my fears or insecure thoughts wreck anything so "yay me, for that much."

Thank you once again, soulpotato!
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post #22 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:07 AM
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

I am an introvert, but I cant see how that would lead to not spending just 3 or 4 hours at the weekend with someone who I was dating. I would have thought that seeing someone in the evening after a full days work with other people would be far more draining.
I have to wonder what she has on at the weekends that stops her from seeing you.
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post #23 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:27 AM
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

She had to be the one to ask you out. I think that she's already seeing someone else and you are just the plan B for now. And...of course if you push the subject about weekends she'll end it. Dating more might fix all of this the better you know each other and then again she never think of you as a plan A candidate. Of coarse you'll never know the answer unless you keep seeing her...but do know that you can be pretty sure that she's seeing someone besides you.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #24 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:38 AM Thread Starter
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Thank you again for the replies. The curiosity got the better of me and I asked directly today is she dating other people at the moment. She said no. Other than that I kept everything very light and I think we had a good time.
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post #25 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:55 AM
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

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Originally Posted by Rainbow_Dazed View Post
Thank you again for the replies. The curiosity got the better of me and I asked directly today is she dating other people at the moment. She said no. Other than that I kept everything very light and I think we had a good time.
Of course she'll say no, do you expect her to come out and admit it?


"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #26 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:57 AM
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

@Rainbow_Dazed If she is taking the initiative to see you, especially multiple times a week, that certainly says something!

Silences/pauses in conversation are okay. It gives her a chance to think and respond to what you've said, and to share from her side.

Just remember, so long as you two understand each other and the arrangement works for both of you, that's all that matters. Not anyone else's understanding or interpretation, you know? Naturally not all introverts are the same. Though there are commonalities, some are more or less introverted than others or more drained by one situation over another.

You sound like you're starting from a good place. And I'm with you - I hate the early phases of dating & falling in love! It's so nerve-wracking and terrifying!

I hope you'll keep us updated!

Your hand got too cold and I lost the grip.
From that day, I kept a message that you sent.

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post #27 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:39 PM
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

bang her like a screen door. start living your life without her and then she will be like dog **** on your shoe.


I say this in jest ........but not really
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post #28 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:53 PM Thread Starter
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EDIT: This reply was to jb02157

Well yes, I do. I have been very transparent and honest with her and I expect the same from the people I date. I would never be with someone who lies to me. It is in my nature to expect the best from people and so far I've been lucky enough to have very few disappointments in my life with trusting people. And my insticts strongly tell me that she is also open and honest to me.

Last edited by Rainbow_Dazed; 03-16-2017 at 12:59 PM.
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post #29 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

An update:

We saw three times last week and the weekend was again more quiet than the weekdays, as before. I kept myself busy and had a very nice weekend. Saw lots of friends, went out clubbing and danced my ass off. All good things.

We had talked about going for a lunch on Monday, and on Sunday evening I suggested a place for the lunch. She then told me that sheíd love to go there, but tomorrow is not good. The reason why was an very understandable one, but last week we talked about lunch on Monday and I felt let down for the last second cancellation of our plans. Mostly the thing that hurt me was that again I was unsure of her feelings toward me and of her level of interest in me, and I had really hard time reading her.

So, I did the only thing I knew to do in this situation and wrote her a long letter in which to sum it up briefly I told her exactly how I feel about her and that itíd be important for me to hear how she feels about me and what she thinks about us and the future. I told her what my most intimate hopes for the future are and asked do we have matching hopes and dreams for the future. And does she want to get to know me in hopes of figuring out if these hopes and dreams can happen between us or is her interest in me something different. And, I asked her that could we please in the future plan the times we see more carefully. That as a creature of structure, plans that change in the last minute are rough for me.

This morning she replied in her brief way that yes, the feelings are mutual and she wants the same kinds of things in her future. And that absolutely we can plan our meetings more carefully in the future.

It was nerve wrecking to send her that long message. I was absolutely unsure was the timing good for such an intimate, open letter, or was it too much too soon. But Iím relieved that I did it. Even more than I anticipated. It was very comforting the read her words and to know with certainty that her motivations are similar to mine. Sheís still an absolute mystery to me, but now my heart is (for the time being atleast) more at peace with letting time to do itís thing. And what I even less anticipated, after that short reply and those few words, my mind is much more ready go towards her in a more intimate level as well. Still, not in any hurry, but a step forward for me to dare go towards her a bit more.
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