Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 12:52 PM Thread Starter
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Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

Hi,

it's been quite a long time since I last posted here. After my separation three and half years ago life found it's course and became quite busy. With years passing the situation evolved in a way that I became pretty much the sole provider for my child who is now 9 years old. He visits his other home every other weekend but other than that, lives pretty much with me. Life has been good and last fall I felt that I'm starting to be ready for another relationship, so I started dating again.

This january I started chatting with this really nice person. I wasn't going to ask her out, because I couldn't really get the feel for where the thing was going based on our messages, but she asked me out. When I met her, I got this "wow on the first sight" I've only gotten perhaps once in my life. So many little things in her just felt so good (her posture, openess, curious mind, positive attitude, politeness, shyness and yet brave eye contact). We started seeing each other and we've been seeing each other for month and a half now. My feelngs have grown deeper and she has feelings too. She sends me messages daily, tells me kind things, is initiative about spending time with me.

But, she doesn't want to spend time on weekends together. I asked her about that and she said that she needs that time for herself to get over the stressful work week and to just be free. Before I asked, she never said directly no to my initiations about doing something fun on the weekends, but the at the last minute said that she'd rather see next week. Also, all the talks about what's happening between us and where this is going are initiated by me. She has been initiative about sleeping together and that might happen soon. I've told her that I'm not ready for sex and for me to be ready I need to feel secure and trust needs to build. Sleeping together sounds nice and manageable enough, I think.

I've talked with my friends a lot and I think that it's fairly certain that I have stronger feelings for her than she for me. My main concern at the moment is that my fear of rejection kicks in and I sabotage a good thing by stopping it. The fear whispers in my ear that a dynamics like this can not work or become anything permanent and that she's not that into me in the end and doesn't want something as big as me. The calmer me tries to sooth my fears by saying that we are just getting to know each other and she actively communicates with me, tells me being with me makes her feel better every time, wants to sleep together. There are lots of positive signs and I should give this time and proceed by respecting both of our wants and needs. She wants to focus seeing each other on the weekdays for now, then go with that. And focus on keeping yourself active and happy while this uncertain and occationally tormenting situation lasts.

If you read this far, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Is this dynamics doomed for a short getting to know each other that ends up in heart break, or is there hope for something to grow from this? I know there are no answers, but feedback and experiences would be very much welcome.

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post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 02:08 PM
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

Give it a bit more time and see how it goes.

The closer your relationship is, the more time she will want to spend with you....which will be those weekends that you want.

I personally would find something super fun or that she really likes to do and try to plan it with her for a few weekends later, this gives her time and something to look forward to.


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post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 03:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

Thank you, xMadame, for the feedback and reassurance. I actually did something like that and asked her if I could take her out on a proper date in a couple of weeks when a movie that she really wants to see comes out. It'd be a Saturday night and I suggested that I'd take her to the movie and to a restaurant and I she was excited about the idea. I think I'll give it some time now and then ask closer if the idea still sounds good and start making preparations and include her in planning them if that flows naturally.
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post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 03:30 PM
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

Keep dating other people. Have you two had sex yet? Make out? How serious is this relationship?
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post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 03:35 PM
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

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Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
Keep dating other people. Have you two had sex yet? Make out? How serious is this relationship?
He answered all of that in his OP.

Don't let people become a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs.
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post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 03:37 PM
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

Honestly, I think the weekend thing is just weird. IF not a red flag, then a pink flag at least.

If I were really into a man, I would want to spend lots of weekend time with him.

Not to be pessimistic, but are you sure she doesn't have anyone else in the picture?

Don't let people become a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs.
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post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 03:38 PM
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

Edited: Duplicate post
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post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 03:38 PM
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

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He answered all of that in his OP.
Indeed, thanks.

No sex and no commitment, keep on dating. She probably is in her sexual prime and wants sex. She sees you has low drive and doesn't want to get too involved. She's getting it from someone else on the weekends. That's how I see it from my phone.
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post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 03:38 PM
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

Nope, doesn't sound doomed to me at all, since you're the guy in the relationship. I think it's very attractive to most women to be pursued by a man, not the other way around. The only thing I'd caution is that if she doesn't want to spend time with you on the weekends, it could be that she's still dating other people, which is within her right since you've only been dating her for a month and a half. Another thought is maybe she isn't ready to be around your child? Does she have children?

I'd say keep pursuing her since you're interested but make sure you have other interests in your life so you don't appear clingy or needy in any way. And make sure you're asking her on dates that don't include your child (I'm sure you're already doing this).
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post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 04:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

Thank you very much for the replies everyone, and different points of view. I should clarify that my gender is not male, though with her I seem to be the one with more initiative and I feel the want to open doors for her and all that. It just comes naturally around her.

As for dating other people, I would not feel comfortable kissing someone or plan sleeping next to her and still date other people, so I ended all of my other dating things about two weeks ago, when this thing seemed to be heading to that direction. I was open to her about that and she should know where I stand. I am fairly certain that she is not seeing other people either, but I haven't asked directly. Though, after what we have talked about and what kind of intimacy we've shared, I would feel disappointed and lead on if she was still seeing other people at the time and it might be a deal breaker for me.

As for sex, my drive is pretty high and so far I've been the one more initiative about even talking about sex. Though I have said out loud as well that I am not yet ready for sex, and that I need to get to know here better before I am. I told her that while building trust I want to get to know her and what she likes before getting sexually intimate. She is very shy when talking about it and I'm taking baby steps at the moment but going steadily forward.

She doesn't have children and she has met my little one twice. Once at a public place and once at our home. They got along pretty naturally, harmonious is the word I'd use. They are very different (my child is an extrovert like me, she more of an introvert I think), but they seemed to coexist nicely in the same space and liked each other. So far I've kept my child mostly out of the picture. My main motivation for that is, that I do not want my child to get invested on anyone that doesn't stick around, I'm very protective about him in that way. But since she only wants to see on weekdays, on some weeks my child will be there, though I try to keep that at maximum to once a month for now.

My best guess at this point (as for an explanation about the weekends) is that being able to keep weekends as she likes (slow mornings, doing just what she wants and as little she wants, spending many hours at a time on geeky stuff that interests her) is at the time very important to her and the idea of having another person there to mess that free time up makes her anxious. I could be totally off with this, but that's what I'd guess is the biggest thing at the moment

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post #11 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 05:03 PM
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

Sounds like it's going along nicely, and if you are the more masculine energy in the (new) relationship then I still think it applies- being pursued is very attractive to most women. But, so is confidence, so I'd make sure you don't get too close too fast if she's not giving that back (yet). Because it has only been a month and a half and there is no commitment, she could still be seeing others (and in my mind, that is acceptable, even if you two are sharing intimate conversation). I'd say give it 3 months and have fun, enjoy what she's able to give. By then, you can let her know you're interested in a committed relationship with her. This seems to be a reasonable timeline (to me), given that you know she's likely someone you'd want to commit to. By then, she should likely know too. But I'd give it more time before pressuring her, while still keeping your child, friends, and other interests (doesn't have to mean dating others) a priority in your life until then- though I'm sure your child will always be a priority. I mean the other hobbies/interests should still be high on your list until you have more of a commitment, since it seems she's still making her hobbies/interests more of a priority for now.
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post #12 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 05:27 PM
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

This girl of yours sounds A LOT like me. I love my geeky pursuits and like to spend a lot of time alone because my week is very crazy and stressful. I'm an introvert and my recharge/free time is super important to me. I've become very cautious about committing to things (and relationships). I guard my time like nobody's business. Those close to me make jokes about "the schedule" (I schedule all calls and visits).

My girlfriend is like you, extroverted and wanting to spend more time together and being patient when I'm like, "I'm exhausted and I have tons to do, nope." (There are weekends I don't see her.) That said, she's the only girl I've dated in the last 2 years that I've really become attached to. She tends to do things to make my life easier, which has the effect of taking some of the stress off of me and getting her more phone calls and visits.

So definitely give her some space and don't push, and if you've put it out there that you'd like to do something, then let her choose and come to you. She will appreciate you not being one more pressure/demand on her and if she really likes you, she'll come looking for you.

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post #13 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 05:35 PM
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I guess I see it quite differently than most of the other responses so far.

To me, weekends are the time to spend time with and go do fun things with someone I'm dating and am interested in. In the general dating and relationship world, I can't imagine one person saying to the other that weekends are off limits for spending time together due to a need for alone time and it going over well. So you can only date on the weekdays after work??

Most of the world dates on the weekends...
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post #14 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 05:52 PM
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

I too find the no weekend dates thing odd...when I was dating and really into someone I wanted to spend lots of time with him...couldn't get enough of him (still can't get enough of my husband )

There's plenty of ways to see your partner and still time for yourself...surely a Saturday night date isn't too much to ask?
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post #15 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 05:58 PM
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Re: Dating: I think I have stronger feelings - can it still work?

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Indeed, thanks.

No sex and no commitment, keep on dating. She probably is in her sexual prime and wants sex. She sees you has low drive and doesn't want to get too involved. She's getting it from someone else on the weekends. That's how I see it from my phone.
They have only been seeing each other for 6 weeks, not everyone has sex straight away.
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