After 48 years I realized that I did not love her. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:30 PM Thread Starter
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After 48 years I realized that I did not love her.

Not my wife of 44 years but my first fiancee. I have always felt that she broke my heart and betrayed my love when she cheated on me. However, I realized today that I really did not love her. I joined the Army for 3 years and knew that she was going to college the next year so we would not see much of each other. Why would I do something like that without consulting my fiancee or even give her a head's up?

I did what a lot of other people do. She was my first relationship since I was 15. We were both virgins when we met but not after the first year with each other. I think this is something I read about where you are with a person for a while and feel that the next step is engagement and then marriage. I have two good friends who also got engaged and married their high school sweethearts, and then got divorced two years later. Lucky for me that I skipped the marriage and divorce part or else I would have never met my wonderful wife who I fell in love with on first sight. Really! We were engaged 3 weeks after we met. I even told my friend that I would marry that girl at the other end of the train and he laughed at me. We still do not know why but we fell in love instantly.

I wonder how many who post about cheating wives or divorces were like me. They dated for a long time and the next logical step is to get married. Some stay together because of the regular sex or not wanting to date a log of frogs again before they meet their prince. Some just get used to one another. How many out there married a long time sweetheart only to get divorced a few years later? This seems to be a fairly common thing.

Funny that I did not see it until I was 65. I think the fact that I was in Vietnam for a year, that I convinced myself that I was in love with my fiancee given the circumstances that I might die any day. I did get mad at her when I found out she was cheating. I felt angry because I am an alpha male and want all the women to myself. Today I know the truth. I think the war and my life after it, sort of blurred what I remembered. Only today as I was talking to my wife about it, did I realize that I did not love her, but rather was in love with being in love. Anyone realize after they married that they really did not love their spouse as they thought?


Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 03-16-2017 at 09:40 PM.
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:37 PM
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Re: After 48 years I realized that I did not love her.

I can't follow. Is your long ago fiance or your current wife that you realize you do not love?
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 05:52 AM
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Re: After 48 years I realized that I did not love her.

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
I can't follow. Is your long ago fiance or your current wife that you realize you do not love?
The answer is in the first line of the post.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 07:45 AM
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Re: After 48 years I realized that I did not love her.

Why would you have been mad? Sounds like you were cheating too.

You probably just weren't ready to be married.....nothing wrong with that.

Glad you were able to meet your wife.
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:19 AM
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Re: After 48 years I realized that I did not love her.

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Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
Anyone realize after they married that they really did not love their spouse as they thought?
I loved the version of her that she presented before we got married. She was willing to contribute to the family, loving, kind, fun to be with. I soon found out that this wasn't really her after we got married. I had actually gotten duped into marrying someone that she wasn't. I was also, as you say, "in love with the idea of being in love". There were signs that she was different than she was showing me that I chose to ignore because I wanted to be married. I thought marriage would fix everything, instead, it just made things worse.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: After 48 years I realized that I did not love her.

When you are dodging bullets, rockets and mortars you cling to something to get your through it. A reason to not give up and to try to stay as safe as you can. She was my reason to come back alive and instead of telling me that she did not want to get married anymore, she cheated with a good friend of mine and in a way that she knew I would find out about. All of a sudden, the reason to get through the day was gone from my life. I could not get home to talk to her so that was also a great frustration. We did not have cell phones back then so all communication was by snail mail that took two weeks.

When I was in training I went home to see her whenever I got a pass. We had reconnected then and even though there is no shortage of women hanging around the Army base, I did stay faithful to her then. I was maturing and accepting monogamy. She told me all sorts of things before I went to Vietnam like how she will be faithful and never worry about that, etc.. Despite $3 Prostitutes in Vietnam that most married guys used, I did not. I finally committed to monogamy only to get a Dear John letter the day after a rocket attack that killed 3. Worst part was no cell phones back then so the only way of communicating was snail male. Every have an argument when it takes two weeks for a letter to reach the other person? So I got mad.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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