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View Poll Results: Do you think this is inappropriate behavior on my husband's part
Yes 39 88.64%
No 5 11.36%
Voters: 44. You may not vote on this poll

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post #16 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:17 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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He has had such adverse reactions to me wanting to join them- I know this might be what does us in- I'm terrified but I also know I can't continue to "let" this happen. He has to know there are consequences to this continuing. He won't go to counseling so it's very difficult to make him see the other side- he just wants what he wants and what he thinks is always right. I do go to counseling and am working to make our marriage better but this is the one thing I can't let go , not sweat, or work around which is what I have to do for his personality type. This is the one thing that I may have to say I'm done - if he can't give me this. Is divorcing over this an overreaction?
In my opinion, yes because this points to a larger issue of overall respect. Not only is he disrespecting you, he's doing it in front of your mutual friends. Furthermore it leaves your marriage extremely vulnerable to cheating.

But this is not about me or any of the other posters. This is about your definition of marriage and what you are willing to accept.

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post #17 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:18 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

Who in the world voted no? Your husband must be on here.

I cannot believe anyone else would be so thick!
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post #18 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:21 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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Originally Posted by newme2017 View Post
He has had such adverse reactions to me wanting to join them- I know this might be what does us in- I'm terrified but I also know I can't continue to "let" this happen. He has to know there are consequences to this continuing. He won't go to counseling so it's very difficult to make him see the other side- he just wants what he wants and what he thinks is always right. I do go to counseling and am working to make our marriage better but this is the one thing I can't let go , not sweat, or work around which is what I have to do for his personality type. This is the one thing that I may have to say I'm done - if he can't give me this. Is divorcing over this an overreaction?
No. Divorcing because your husband is dating another woman is not an overreaction. Divorcing because your husband lacks appropriate boundaries for a married man is not an overreaction. Divorcing because your husband is grossly dismissive and disrespectful of your feelings is not an overreaction. Divorcing because you're having to "work around" "his personality type" to the point of making yourself unhappy and unhealthy is not an overreaction.

Here's a basic rule of thumb for relationships: If a relationship requires that you choose between maintaining your self-respect and keeping your partner happy, you need to pick you. Every. Single. Time.

What is this situation doing for your self-respect? Do you feel good about this? How about having to work around his personality type (whatever in the hell that means)? Does that make you feel good about yourself? Or do you spend a lot of time trying to "fix" yourself so that he'll pick you, want to spend time with you, love you?

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi

Last edited by Rowan; 03-16-2017 at 12:12 PM.
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post #19 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:23 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

He doesn't want you to come along because he's hiding something. I wonder what your H would say if you wanted to go out with some single guys?

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #20 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:24 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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Originally Posted by newme2017 View Post
He has had such adverse reactions to me wanting to join them- I know this might be what does us in- I'm terrified but I also know I can't continue to "let" this happen. He has to know there are consequences to this continuing. He won't go to counseling so it's very difficult to make him see the other side- he just wants what he wants and what he thinks is always right. I do go to counseling and am working to make our marriage better but this is the one thing I can't let go , not sweat, or work around which is what I have to do for his personality type. This is the one thing that I may have to say I'm done - if he can't give me this. Is divorcing over this an overreaction?
Divorcing over this is the ONLY reaction. Dont bother with trying counseling or anything, just go file. Seriously. Not sure why you've been allowing this, but you can put a stop to it now by removing yourself.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #21 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:24 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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Originally Posted by Rowan View Post
OP, it sounds like you're afraid to have and maintain boundaries for some reason. By boundaries, I mean things that you will and will not tolerate in a relationship or from a partner. It sounds like you're very proud of having a relationship where you're not "limiting him in any way" so that he can do what he pleases. You like being the cool wife who's husband doesn't feel constricted by the relationship. I almost wonder if you're somehow afraid to stand up for yourself, or for some reason just think this is something you have to tolerate? In any case, if your husband was a great guy, your lack of boundaries might be just fine because it wouldn't occur to him to cross the reasonable lines of marriage even if you didn't insist.
This. I've been in your shoes. My husband got really intense about his workouts in a group setting and I found out he was bonding with another woman. They never texted or met outside of the class but I did find out that the woman had been meeting up with him most weekdays to workout with him. I didn't know until we were out one day and this woman ran up to my husband like he was her boyfriend. My husband did not make me feel welcomed to this class even though I do the workout too. I thought he just needed "his time" and I didn't want to be the "needy, insecure, controlling wife." I can tell you this has caused problems in our marriage. I fight every single day to overcome the resentment I feel about this and my own shame for going along with it because I wanted to be the "cool wife."

Bottom line: you have every right to be with your husband wherever he goes, especially when it includes other women. And if you're not comfortable with it, he should not be there.

My husband told me that he didn't realize this was an issue for me, and he's sorry. He doesn't go to this class anymore because I told him that I'm no longer ok with it and it's not going to work for me. That was all that needed to be said, even though in his mind he would never do anything that he thought would jeaporidze our marriage.

He doesn't have to agree with you. He just needs to stop doing it because it hurts you and you are his wife. Your feelings matter and he needs to show you basic care.
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post #22 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:44 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

Call me Crazy but yes, I think a married man going out on more dates with his girl friend than his wife is a little out of bounds, but then again I think a married man going out on dates with anyone other than his wife is wrong.

What baffles me is how it is that you didn't put a stop to this a long time ago, as another poster said it is about respecting your marriage through the proper observance of boundaries and that is not being done on either side right now. you are not enforcing boundaries and thereby enabling his behavior and he is not respecting boundaries and walking all over you.

For me it would simply be a choice, if you are going to date other women than I am going to date other men, I'll let you know when the divorce papers show up so you can sign them and we can move on.

Quite frankly I would make a point of making a date with a good looking single man and let him wine you and dine you every night that your husband goes out on his double date lets see if he is ok with the shoe on the other foot.

Our lives are a novel and we, the authors. if you don't like the story line, only you have the power to change it.
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post #23 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:04 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

Before you jump to divorce, OP, what are your options? Are you a stay-at-home mom? Do you have financial means? Where will you go if you leave or will you stay and ask him to leave? If, upon telling him you want to leave him, he tells you he will stop going on these quarterly "dates" but will still remain in contact with said single ladies will you be willing to reconcile? Talk to a lawyer to find out what your options are before you take the leap. You may be entitled to spousal support. I don't know where you leave so...

He is really treating you with disrespect by making more effort on other women instead of the one he is in a committed relationship with. This female friend's unfriendly attitude towards you makes it more suspicious.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #24 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:23 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

If you're uncomfortable with what he's doing (and you certainly should be) tell him it's a deal-breaker -- assuming you're really willing to divorce him over it and not just threaten to. Then he can decide if he wants his marriage more than he wants to date.
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post #25 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband's double dates

I think I've been trying not to rock the boat because the last few years have been rough- but I'm in a place where I want to make it work cause I do love him but I'm not willing to sacrifice my happiness and self-respect anymore. Also this last outing where he obviously had such a good time he wanted sex has just sent this into a different orbit.

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post #26 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:11 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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I think I've been trying not to rock the boat because the last few years have been rough- but I'm in a place where I want to make it work cause I do love him but I'm not willing to sacrifice my happiness and self-respect anymore. Also this last outing where he obviously had such a good time he wanted sex has just sent this into a different orbit.
Yet he obviously has no qualms about rocking the boat in your marriage by taking other women out to dinner and excluding you. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'd recommend sending him a short email or text letting him know that you love him and want your marriage to be great, but you're no longer going to accept him going anywhere with other women without including you. I'd tell him he hurt your feelings and you will no longer agree to live like this.

Then see what he does. He can call you jealous, insecure, etc., but don't try to reason with him. If he makes plans to do it again, be prepared to separate.
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post #27 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband's double dates

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Originally Posted by Rowan View Post
OP, it sounds like you're afraid to have and maintain boundaries for some reason. By boundaries, I mean things that you will and will not tolerate in a relationship or from a partner. It sounds like you're very proud of having a relationship where you're not "limiting him in any way" so that he can do what he pleases. You like being the cool wife who's husband doesn't feel constricted by the relationship. I almost wonder if you're somehow afraid to stand up for yourself, or for some reason just think this is something you have to tolerate? In any case, if your husband was a great guy, your lack of boundaries might be just fine because it wouldn't occur to him to cross the reasonable lines of marriage even if you didn't insist. Unfortunately, it seems that your husband isn't that sort of man. He feels so free that he's not even willing to limit himself and is actively dating other women with your full knowledge. The fact that he knows you don't like it is apparently irrelevant to him. The fact that he's rubbing your nose in it, trying to manipulate you into thinking this is normal, and emotionally bullying you about your supposedly irrational jealousy, says nothing good about his character either.

There's a glaring lack of respect there. He doesn't respect you or your marriage enough to not date others, or to take your feelings into consideration. But you also don't respect yourself enough to say "no more" and really mean it. If you did, you would have at least separated, if not filed for divorce, immediately once it became clear that he doesn't respect you and doesn't really care how you feel.

You want a faithful husband. He wants a wife at home and the ability to date like a single man. I suppose you both lack boundaries. But apparently you're the only one who is bothered by the lack of them. Perhaps it's well past time to really think about what you're willing to tolerate from a partner. And what you're willing to do if your partner insists on repeatedly exhausting that tolerance. Not to punish him, but to remove yourself from a clearly disrespectful and hurtful situation that doesn't seem to be on the path to improvement.

ETA: By the way, take it from someone who once unwittingly found herself in that position, you being included in one of these little date evenings with his buddy and the two OW would not be the cure-all you seem to imagine. Instead, you'd be much more likely to find yourself having a rather spectacularly awkward night out with your husband and the woman who is clearly more important to him than you are, while everyone but you smirks and rolls their eyes about your presence. There's very little on this earth more humiliating than having it made very plain - in person - that you are actually the irritating, even somewhat laughable, third wheel to your husband and his mistress.
I know that it is not a sexual relationship- it is not a mistress relationship but I definitely think that this not wanting me there is coming from his friends more than from him. He told me they made fun of him after the few times I went with them, saying "what you're not allowed to go out by yourself". So yes my going is going to be awkward, but it's also his responsibility to not make it awkward for me- to be clear that he wants me to be there with him, not that I'm forcing him, and that's what it should be- if he truly doesn't want me to be there then that is a different problem. I wish that he would admit that it's his friends egging him on to not including me- and he should be man enough to say- my wife is my life and she's coming- if you don't like it we won't be doing these dinners anymore. They have other sport interests that they share that I don't, I don't mind them going to do those because it's a sport, this is a social gathering, this is for fun to spend time together, not to do something together, and that's the difference that bothers me about not being included. There is no credible reason for me not being able to go.
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post #28 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:13 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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He has had such adverse reactions to me wanting to join them- I know this might be what does us in- I'm terrified but I also know I can't continue to "let" this happen. He has to know there are consequences to this continuing. He won't go to counseling so it's very difficult to make him see the other side- he just wants what he wants and what he thinks is always right. I do go to counseling and am working to make our marriage better but this is the one thing I can't let go , not sweat, or work around which is what I have to do for his personality type. This is the one thing that I may have to say I'm done - if he can't give me this. Is divorcing over this an overreaction?
He doesn't need counseling, he needs to be single, because that's the life he wants to have. He wants you when convenient, but wants the single life. Even if he isn't doing much more than hanging out with these women, he still wants to be able to push you aside, and go off to pretend to be single for a little while. I'd say that divorcing him is not an overreaction. If he tries to make you feel ''crazy,'' who cares. He most likely is reacting because you're ruining his fun. Why do some people get married, I just don't know. No one would think anything bad if people want to stay single forever, but there are so many people who want the married life but also want to pretend they're single. And you're just supposed to be okay with it. lol Counseling won't fix that.

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post #29 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband's double dates

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Originally Posted by EunuchMonk View Post
Before you jump to divorce, OP, what are your options? Are you a stay-at-home mom? Do you have financial means? Where will you go if you leave or will you stay and ask him to leave? If, upon telling him you want to leave him, he tells you he will stop going on these quarterly "dates" but will still remain in contact with said single ladies will you be willing to reconcile? Talk to a lawyer to find out what your options are before you take the leap. You may be entitled to spousal support. I don't know where you leave so...

He is really treating you with disrespect by making more effort on other women instead of the one he is in a committed relationship with. This female friend's unfriendly attitude towards you makes it more suspicious.
I am in a decent position to leave, I wouldn't need spousal support. The kids are always a big part of my decisions with my husband right now. I'd be willing to leave I'm not attached to our home. I don't expect him to not have contact with his friends, I just don't want these dates to continue without me being able to go, and I may not necessarily go to every one but I want to be able to say yes or no and I want him to want me to be with him on a nice night out to the city for a nice dinner and drinks. I don't think he's interested in these women, but I don't trust that they don't have an ulterior motive - especially if they are the driving force for my exclusion.
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post #30 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband's double dates

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Yet he obviously has no qualms about rocking the boat in your marriage by taking other women out to dinner and excluding you. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'd recommend sending him a short email or text letting him know that you love him and want your marriage to be great, but you're no longer going to accept him going anywhere with other women without including you. I'd tell him he hurt your feelings and you will no longer agree to live like this.

Then see what he does. He can call you jealous, insecure, etc., but don't try to reason with him. If he makes plans to do it again, be prepared to separate.
Ive been going nuts since they're last outing and I was going to wait til the next time they make plans to say anything, but I really need to talk to him about this now before any new outings come up and what you describe is kind of what I want to do, because it leaves it up to him to decide how to handle the next time they want to make plans, and I can say- I told you how I feel and you don't care how I feel so I'm done. It'll have been his decision to break us. I can't try to reason with him but I need to get this off my chest, I just don't want to have a huge fight when we're finally getting to a better place in everything else in our marriage, like I said this is the one thing- I can live with everything else. (I know that sounds bad, but there's compromise everywhere, but this is the thing I can't compromise on anymore)
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