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View Poll Results: Do you think this is inappropriate behavior on my husband's part
Yes 39 88.64%
No 5 11.36%
Voters: 44. You may not vote on this poll

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post #31 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:26 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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Originally Posted by newme2017 View Post
Ive been going nuts since they're last outing and I was going to wait til the next time they make plans to say anything, but I really need to talk to him about this now before any new outings come up and what you describe is kind of what I want to do, because it leaves it up to him to decide how to handle the next time they want to make plans, and I can say- I told you how I feel and you don't care how I feel so I'm done. It'll have been his decision to break us. I can't try to reason with him but I need to get this off my chest, I just don't want to have a huge fight when we're finally getting to a better place in everything else in our marriage, like I said this is the one thing- I can live with everything else. (I know that sounds bad, but there's compromise everywhere, but this is the thing I can't compromise on anymore)
You shouldn't have to compromise on this. I'd recommend sending it to him in writing so it doesn't get emotional and turn into a fight/defensive situation. It simply is what it is- these are your feelings and if he cares about you and his marriage, he will respect your boundaries whether he agrees or not.

There is a lot of strength in simply stating the obvious "This is not going to work for me."

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post #32 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:26 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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post #33 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:30 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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Originally Posted by newme2017 View Post
I know that it is not a sexual relationship- it is not a mistress relationship but I definitely think that this not wanting me there is coming from his friends more than from him. He told me they made fun of him after the few times I went with them, saying "what you're not allowed to go out by yourself". So yes my going is going to be awkward, but it's also his responsibility to not make it awkward for me- to be clear that he wants me to be there with him, not that I'm forcing him, and that's what it should be- if he truly doesn't want me to be there then that is a different problem. I wish that he would admit that it's his friends egging him on to not including me- and he should be man enough to say- my wife is my life and she's coming- if you don't like it we won't be doing these dinners anymore. They have other sport interests that they share that I don't, I don't mind them going to do those because it's a sport, this is a social gathering, this is for fun to spend time together, not to do something together, and that's the difference that bothers me about not being included. There is no credible reason for me not being able to go.

How do you know, specifically, that he's not having a sexual relationship with anyone else? Is it an assumption, or have you actually done some covert investigating to find out? And, no, I'm afraid asking him and having him assure you that "We're just friends!" does not count.


I'm going to presume that your husband is an otherwise fully functioning grown man, yes? In that case, why on earth would he be somehow incapable of making his own choices, regardless of his friend's opinions? I know it's very tempting to blame his bad behavior on his friends. The problem with that is that your husband has free will, and as such, he can choose his own actions. The actions you're unhappy with are ones that he is choosing. He could have chosen to put his friends in their place immediately when they began to disrespect his wife. He did not. He could have chosen to stop associating with people who obviously don't respect his wife or his marriage. He did not. He could have chosen to stop these date nights that didn't include you when you told him it made you uncomfortable. He did not. He could choose to spend more time and effort with you and on dating you than with his friends and dating them. He did not.

I think a major stumbling block here for you is going to be realizing that you already have your answer from your husband. He's telling you - through word and through deed - that you matter less than his opposite sex friend(s). You don't want to believe that because it's hurtful. But he's already told you who he is and what he wants. The only question now is whether or not you're okay with that. If you're not, it's up to you to choose something different for yourself. You are not helpless to choose what you're willing to tolerate, any more than he is helpless to stop going out on dates without his wife because his mean old friends might laugh at him.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #34 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:33 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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How do you know, specifically, that he's not having a sexual relationship with anyone else? Is it an assumption, or have you actually done some covert investigating to find out? And, no, I'm afraid asking him and having him assure you that "We're just friends!" does not count.


I'm going to presume that your husband is an otherwise fully functioning grown man, yes? In that case, why on earth would he be somehow incapable of making his own choices, regardless of his friend's opinions? I know it's very tempting to blame his bad behavior on his friends. The problem with that is that your husband has free will, and as such, he can choose his own actions. The actions you're unhappy with are ones that he is choosing. He could have chosen to put his friends in their place immediately when they began to disrespect his wife. He did not. He could have chosen to stop associating with people who obviously don't respect his wife or his marriage. He did not. He could have chosen to stop these date nights that didn't include you when you told him it made you uncomfortable. He did not. He could choose to spend more time and effort with you and on dating you than with his friends and dating them. He did not.

I think a major stumbling block here for you is going to be realizing that you already have your answer from your husband. He's telling you - through word and through deed - that you matter less than his opposite sex friend(s). You don't want to believe that because it's hurtful. But he's already told you who he is and what he wants. The only question now is whether or not you're okay with that. If you're not, it's up to you to choose something different for yourself. You are not helpless to choose what you're willing to tolerate, any more than he is helpless to stop going out on dates without his wife because his mean old friends might laugh at him.
This is spot on. You're married to him, not his friends. How he treats you is what matters, and this is how he's treating you. This is on him.
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post #35 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 01:22 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

Your husband is going out on dates with someone other than you. That is unfaithfulness.

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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #36 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:12 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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Originally Posted by newme2017 View Post
I know that it is not a sexual relationship- it is not a mistress relationship but I definitely think that this not wanting me there is coming from his friends more than from him.
The truth is that you have no idea what this relationship is. Since he puts this double date situation above his marriage, he cares more for the double date than he does for you and your marriage.

My guess is that your husband and one of these women are having an affair. His friend and the other woman are in an affair. Its highly unlikely that there is no sex going on. But even if there was no sex, he is emotionally cheating.

Do you know when their next night out is planned?

Quote:
Originally Posted by newme2017 View Post
He told me they made fun of him after the few times I went with them, saying "what you're not allowed to go out by yourself". So yes my going is going to be awkward, but it's also his responsibility to not make it awkward for me- to be clear that he wants me to be there with him, not that I'm forcing him, and that's what it should be- if he truly doesn't want me to be there then that is a different problem. I wish that he would admit that it's his friends egging him on to not including me- and he should be man enough to say- my wife is my life and she's coming- if you don't like it we won't be doing these dinners anymore. They have other sport interests that they share that I don't, I don't mind them going to do those because it's a sport, this is a social gathering, this is for fun to spend time together, not to do something together, and that's the difference that bothers me about not being included. There is no credible reason for me not being able to go.
Your husband is not inviting you to go along because he does not want you along. After all no one invites their wife when they are out with their affair partner. Whats just silly to think that he would invite you to be in the middle of his affair. Hes cheating. You need to realize this.
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post #37 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:14 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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I am in a decent position to leave, I wouldn't need spousal support. The kids are always a big part of my decisions with my husband right now. I'd be willing to leave I'm not attached to our home. I don't expect him to not have contact with his friends, I just don't want these dates to continue without me being able to go, and I may not necessarily go to every one but I want to be able to say yes or no and I want him to want me to be with him on a nice night out to the city for a nice dinner and drinks. I don't think he's interested in these women, but I don't trust that they don't have an ulterior motive - especially if they are the driving force for my exclusion.
When is his next double date?
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post #38 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:20 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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Originally Posted by newme2017 View Post
Ive been going nuts since they're last outing and I was going to wait til the next time they make plans to say anything, but I really need to talk to him about this now before any new outings come up and what you describe is kind of what I want to do, because it leaves it up to him to decide how to handle the next time they want to make plans, and I can say- I told you how I feel and you don't care how I feel so I'm done. It'll have been his decision to break us. I can't try to reason with him but I need to get this off my chest, I just don't want to have a huge fight when we're finally getting to a better place in everything else in our marriage, like I said this is the one thing- I can live with everything else. (I know that sounds bad, but there's compromise everywhere, but this is the thing I can't compromise on anymore)
What I suggest is that you say nothing and let the next double date happen. And you hire a PI to follow them and get photos and any other information they can for you.

Then, once you have that, don't say a thing to him until you have had time to process the information you get and make a plan for how to proceed.

The only 'evidence' you have is what your husband is telling you. He is most likely lying up a storm about what's going on.

I'm not sure why you think that his actions of not taking you along are being influenced by these friends. Surely he is a full grown man who makes his own decisions. He is 100% responsible for dating other women while married to you.
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post #39 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

I'm not sure what's worse, your husband never taking you out on a date except for your anniversary, your husband repeatedly going out with his friend & two women, completely disregarding your feelings AND calling you and telling you to be ready for sex when he gets home, OR the fact that you have allowed this absurdity to perpetuate for as long as it has or the fact that you need to get votes from strangers as to whether his behavior is inappropriate.

I think I need to make a poll.
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post #40 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:27 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
What I suggest is that you say nothing and let the next double date happen. And you hire a PI to follow them and get photos and any other information they can for you.

Then, once you have that, don't say a thing to him until you have had time to process the information you get and make a plan for how to proceed.

The only 'evidence' you have is what your husband is telling you. He is most likely lying up a storm about what's going on.

I'm not sure why you think that his actions of not taking you along are being influenced by these friends. Surely he is a full grown man who makes his own decisions. He is 100% responsible for dating other women while married to you.
I know this may be hard to wrap your thinking around, but EleGirl may be correct. The dates may only be the tip of the iceberg and are meant to throw you off the trail of what is really happening. It is entirely possible that your husband is involved in a full blown physical/sexual affair. There are several red flags pointing in that direction.

Does your husband appear to be showering outside of your home? Like he comes home freshly showered?


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post #41 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:34 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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post #42 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:39 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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Who in the world voted no?

I cannot believe anyone else would be so thick!
I voted no, along with two others (as of this writing, this could change).

Although I cannot speak for the others, as far as I'm concerned it's not about being thick.
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post #43 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:42 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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I voted no, along with two others (as of this writing, this could change).

Although I cannot speak for the others, as far as I'm concerned it's not about being thick.
I'm confused? You think it's ok for her husband to go on double dates and she is over reacting?
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post #44 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:50 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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I'm confused? You think it's ok for her husband to go on double dates and she is over reacting?
I think the question (in the poll) is so absurd it doesn't deserve a straight answer.

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post #45 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:57 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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