Husband's double dates - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

View Poll Results: Do you think this is inappropriate behavior on my husband's part
Yes 39 88.64%
No 5 11.36%
Voters: 44. You may not vote on this poll

User Tag List

 353Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #46 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 03:01 PM
Administrator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,765
Re: Husband's double dates

Quote:
Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
Wow. He's having sex with one of the woman? That's a stretch to come to that conclusion. They have a good sex life. They go out with other couples. She trusts him not to cheat. He has this one small group of friends (ex coworkers?) that he wants to hang with by himself just a few times a year. What is wrong with that? I have a group like that, in which I prefer to not have the wife there. It has a single woman, and I have absolutely no interest in her. And yes, my wife has accused me of cheating with her. It has been the topic of many fights.

Hiring a PI is tantamount to accusing him of cheating or having an affair. If he is not, that can be extremely destructive to the marriage. He cannot prove that he is not having any affair (BTDT), so this seems to be a witch hunt that he is guilt of cheating without any undisputed evidence.
I was married to a man with all of these things in our marriage:
  • Good sex life (daily)
  • we socialized with other couples.
  • WE even did things like dates together, while OP did not have this going on in their relationship.
  • I trusted him not to cheat. He even had female friends and I was ok with it because he was open about it and I even knew most of them.
  • Guess what? He was cheating the entire marriage. when he went out with 'friends' he was dating and having sex.
It's not a leap at all.

Her husband does not want to spend time alone with her. He prioritizes these double dates over her.


Surviving An Affair -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



To Create A Passionate Marriage -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
EleGirl is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #47 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 03:05 PM
Administrator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,765
Re: Husband's double dates

Quote:
Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
Wow. He's having sex with one of the woman? That's a stretch to come to that conclusion. They have a good sex life. They go out with other couples. She trusts him not to cheat. He has this one small group of friends (ex coworkers?) that he wants to hang with by himself just a few times a year. What is wrong with that? I have a group like that, in which I prefer to not have the wife there. It has a single woman, and I have absolutely no interest in her. And yes, my wife has accused me of cheating with her. It has been the topic of many fights.

Wait a minute, you suggested that she get tested for STDs. So you also think that there is a good possibility that he is cheating.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
You need to get tested for HPV and other STDs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
Hiring a PI is tantamount to accusing him of cheating or having an affair. If he is not, that can be extremely destructive to the marriage. He cannot prove that he is not having any affair (BTDT), so this seems to be a witch hunt that he is guilt of cheating without any undisputed evidence.

With that said, the arrangement makes the wife uncomfortable and therefore the focus should be on that. Perhaps MC together to discuss that issue. Does OP think husband is cheating or does she resent he will plan events for them but not her? It think it is the latter. She feels neglected and that should be addressed in MC, not hiring a PI.
He does not need to know that she hired a PI. I can prove whether he is having an affair or not.

Surviving An Affair -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



To Create A Passionate Marriage -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
EleGirl is online now  
post #48 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 03:11 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,061
Re: Husband's double dates

The important thing here is she is getting upset every time he has a play date or whatever he wants to call it.She is his wife the one he swore to forsake all others for and he doesn't give a damn about her feelings.The part about coming home wanting sex,have you heard the saying sloppy seconds,it doesn't just apply to women.He is sexually involved with all three of these people in my opinion.The other guys wife has learned to accept her husbands shenanigans and the op can either do likewise or hit him with a divorce.I find it very hard to believe she has accepted this behaviour for so long.
Andy1001 is offline  
 
post #49 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 03:13 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 6,304
Re: Husband's double dates

.

Last edited by 225985; 03-16-2017 at 04:25 PM.
225985 is offline  
post #50 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 03:18 PM
Administrator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,765
Re: Husband's double dates

Quote:
Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
I didn't say it wasn't a possibility. Just playing devil advocates here, based on my personal experience. My sex life is non existent unfortunately and yet I am not having sex with the single woman, nor do I want to.

He should be offered the same benefit of the doubt that we would offer someone caught with a person of opposite sex in a locked room, had a STD, and stonewalled on the discussion.

This has become an emotional discussion because of the wording "double date". Is it really dating? The husband has already been tried and found guilty.
If the guy with the wife who has an STD said that his wife is currently spending time with other men, I would also suggest that he get a PI to find out what's really going on. It is very hard to investigate today something that happened 15 or so years ago.

Is it really double dating? Maybe she needs to find out if it is a double date or not.

Further... this is getting to be a thread jack. You clearly have a problem with me. This thread is not the place to be taking it out on me. The thread jack ends now. We will simply have to agree to disagree.

Surviving An Affair -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



To Create A Passionate Marriage -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
EleGirl is online now  
post #51 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 03:18 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,061
Re: Husband's double dates

Quote:
Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
I didn't say it wasn't a possibility. Just playing devil advocates here, based on my personal experience. My sex life is non existent unfortunately and yet I am not having sex with the single woman, nor do I want to.

He should be offered the same benefit of the doubt that we would offer someone caught with a person of opposite sex in a locked room, had a STD, and stonewalled on the discussion.

This has become an emotional discussion because of the wording "double date". Is it really dating? The husband has already been tried and found guilty.
He is guilty.Guilty of being a ****in ******* of the first order.
Andy1001 is offline  
post #52 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 03:26 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 829
Re: Husband's double dates

Even if I wasn't feeling neglected in my marriage, I still would not be ok with my husband going out with other single women and not including me.
Jessica38 is offline  
post #53 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 03:45 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 257
Re: Husband's double dates

Quote:
Originally Posted by newme2017 View Post
He has had such adverse reactions to me wanting to join them- I know this might be what does us in- I'm terrified but I also know I can't continue to "let" this happen. He has to know there are consequences to this continuing. He won't go to counseling so it's very difficult to make him see the other side- he just wants what he wants and what he thinks is always right. I do go to counseling and am working to make our marriage better but this is the one thing I can't let go , not sweat, or work around which is what I have to do for his personality type. This is the one thing that I may have to say I'm done - if he can't give me this. Is divorcing over this an overreaction?
NO! If he's not willing to go to therapy, I think it's time you start trying to make yourself better, not the marriage.
prunus is offline  
post #54 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 03:46 PM
Member
 
Vinnydee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Southern USA, but longtime NYC boy prior to our move.
Posts: 687
Re: Husband's double dates

My wife and I were in a ethical monogamous marriage for most of our 44+ years of marriage. This is a good description up to 7 years ago. Why My Husband & I Sometimes Have Sex With Other People - mindbodygreen

My situation was a little different. I dated other women from time to time, not many, only about 7 in 44 years. My wife never got jealous and sometimes we played with others together. Mostly threesomes and wife swapping. Neither of us got jealous and we felt compersion as the article above describes. Our lifestyles are not everyone's cup of tea and I know that but it worked for us while all of our monogamous friends and siblings have long ago divorced.

My wife and I also shared a girlfriend for 30 years. Which was safer for our marriage. If one of us was uncomfortable with was going on, we either changed it or ended it. Our marriage and each other always came first. Sex with a new person is always more exciting and those of us into poly relationships know it as NRE or new relationship excitement. It makes you want to spend more time with the new person and ignore your existing partner(s). Both of you need to be aware of it and also discuss rules. You should have veto power over other relationships your husband has. That is how we worked it. Read the article and see how you can have an ethical non monogamous marriage that is successful. It worked for us and it can work for you. Just curious as to if you date others also. We have know married couples where only the husband or the wife dates others. In the relationship before my wife, my girlfriend had sex with different guys but I stayed only with her since she was a sex demon and more than I could handle anyway.

Our lifestyles are not for everyone. In fact they can be dangerous for most. I have seen more fail than work out. However, they can work out as out did as did the marriage of our girlfriend and a few of our married friends. You need to set ground rules and have veto power with no arguments or hard feelings. You want to avoid being his safety net. Some guys will view their marriage as a safety net, always there if they need it, meals, regular sex and a place to sleep. They lose sight of their marriage and their spouses feelings. I always made sure that my wife and girlfriend felt equally loved. We even each had our own bedroom to avoid the who is sleeping with who and for how long thing. We started the night with a threesome an then had one on one sex if they wanted it. The threesome was more just wild sex while the one on one sex was quality time with the focus on just each woman and making love. Cannot argue with success. Good luck an make your hubby understand that whether what you feel is not happening, you still are feeling the emotions as if it was going on. No matter how much we bury jealousy, it always seems to surface sooner of later. Jealousy is a manifestation of insecurity and fear of loss. I would never come home and tell my wife that my new girlfriend is much hotter than her, better in bed, smarter and has a better personality. I always told my wife that she was still better than everyone else and paid extra attention to her. I also tried not to take time away from her by planing my dates when my wife was going out with her friends anyway. Good luck.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 03-16-2017 at 04:01 PM.
Vinnydee is offline  
post #55 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 03:58 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 14
Re: Husband's double dates

I know that they go out all 4 together, now I don't know if there is any pairing off before or after but I've seen pictures of all four together while out so they do go to the same place together. I honestly do not think there is an affair, the one woman who I think would be most likely interested in him doesn't live close enough to us to make an affair possible. I honestly trust him on this, but I don't trust the motives of the others because I don't know who is pushing the just the four of us thing.
they are probably not going to go out for another month or 2 however I can't keep thinking about this and not taking care of this now, I rather have him know that I need him to stop this now, before the next round of planning starts, so that he can go into it ready to let them know the new situation. I feel that if I wait until they start planning again it will make it an argument, I'm hoping that by dealing with it now will give him time to really process it and really think about how it impacts our marriage, rather than have a knee jerk reaction of "you're not going to tell me what to do". We are really at a point in our marriage where we either keep working at making things better or we go our separate ways, this is the only thing I'm asking for to make me commit to really let myself "fall" for him again. I have a wall up right now and this is one of the things that stops me from basically allowing myself to fall back in love with my husband, and I really, really want to fall back in love with him, but I can't let him hurt me with this again. I guess maybe this is exactly what I should tell him? and leave it up to him, do you want a wife you has fallen back in love with you or one who resents you and your friends?

newme2017 is offline  
post #56 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 03:58 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: central US, not unicorn fantasy land
Posts: 1,310
Re: Husband's double dates

I would not wait until the next double date.

I would talk to him today.

Let him make one more choice. You and the marriage or his "friends"

He can pay child support and alimony to help you and the kids, if he chooses his friends.

If he chooses you, he goes NC with his friends, gets tested for stds.

Then if he will not choose wisely, go see an attorney. Get D papers drafted.

There is no reason for you to let him date others after you are married. That competition ended when you were a couple and engaged.

He can spend money on you and the family not on the fantasy life.

If you D, he can repay all the money spent on his A.
harrybrown is offline  
post #57 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 04:01 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 829
Re: Husband's double dates

What you need to do is obvious to me. You need to talk to your husband and agree that he can date but it has to be in a way that does not ignore your feelings. My wife or girlfriend were always welcome to join in. Sometimes they did but most often they did not. Sometimes you just want a separate relationship for whatever reason.

Uh, Vinny, I think that advice would only work for couples who agree to be polyamorous. No where did the OP state that she had any intention to live in a non-monogamous marriage.
Jessica38 is offline  
post #58 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 04:06 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 829
Re: Husband's double dates

Quote:
Originally Posted by newme2017 View Post
I know that they go out all 4 together, now I don't know if there is any pairing off before or after but I've seen pictures of all four together while out so they do go to the same place together. I honestly do not think there is an affair, the one woman who I think would be most likely interested in him doesn't live close enough to us to make an affair possible. I honestly trust him on this, but I don't trust the motives of the others because I don't know who is pushing the just the four of us thing.
they are probably not going to go out for another month or 2 however I can't keep thinking about this and not taking care of this now, I rather have him know that I need him to stop this now, before the next round of planning starts, so that he can go into it ready to let them know the new situation. I feel that if I wait until they start planning again it will make it an argument, I'm hoping that by dealing with it now will give him time to really process it and really think about how it impacts our marriage, rather than have a knee jerk reaction of "you're not going to tell me what to do". We are really at a point in our marriage where we either keep working at making things better or we go our separate ways, this is the only thing I'm asking for to make me commit to really let myself "fall" for him again. I have a wall up right now and this is one of the things that stops me from basically allowing myself to fall back in love with my husband, and I really, really want to fall back in love with him, but I can't let him hurt me with this again. I guess maybe this is exactly what I should tell him? and leave it up to him, do you want a wife you has fallen back in love with you or one who resents you and your friends?
Newme, don't take this the wrong way, but do you think part of the problem here may be your hesitancy to set firm boundaries? Even here you sound wish-washy. I'd leave all ambiguity out of it and very clearly state your boundary. As in:

I'd like us to have a good marriage and I'm willing to work on that with you, but I am no longer ok with you going out with other women while excluding me. If you'd prefer to act single, you can go out with whomever you want without inviting me, but you will not be able to be married to me. I will only accept a marriage based on mutual care- and you're hurting me.
Jessica38 is offline  
post #59 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 04:36 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Emerging Buddhist's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: World-wide
Posts: 1,460
Re: Husband's double dates

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Newme, don't take this the wrong way, but do you think part of the problem here may be your hesitancy to set firm boundaries? Even here you sound wish-washy. I'd leave all ambiguity out of it and very clearly state your boundary. As in:

I'd like us to have a good marriage and I'm willing to work on that with you, but I am no longer ok with you going out with other women while excluding me. If you'd prefer to act single, you can go out with whomever you want without inviting me, but you will not be able to be married to me. I will only accept a marriage based on mutual care- and I like myself too much to be treated in such a way.
She has the power...

नमस्ते 🙏
Emerging Buddhist is online now  
post #60 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 07:03 PM
Member
 
frusdil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,942
Re: Husband's double dates

Omfg. I would have had D papers ready BEFORE the FIRST "double date".

Time for the come to Jesus convo. You TELL him to make a choice, RIGHT NOW, you and your family OR the double dates. He CANNOT have both. No time to think about it, just choose and choose now.

A moments hesitation on his part, or trying to negotiate, put the papers on the table in front of him and leave.

WTF on what planet can he think this is ok???
frusdil is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn Good Guy Sex in Marriage 413 06-09-2017 09:23 PM
Ban husbands! tech-novelist Politics and Religion 55 02-15-2017 09:13 AM
I wonder how many husbands and wives have posted here together without even knowing Mr.StrongMan General Relationship Discussion 23 02-10-2017 06:29 PM
Double standard of when wife claims she is just a sex object? badsanta Sex in Marriage 462 09-06-2016 08:22 AM
Husband's Family Hates Me HisQueen2008 New Member Forum - Introduce Yourself! 3 03-31-2016 07:15 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome