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post #61 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 07:14 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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To be more explicit... next time just show up and join them. Don't ask. It's your right. That is if you don't want to confront.

You might even bring a date if you want to make a point. And make it an available and good looking one. Your H won't get the point any other way.


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Or book the next table and turn up with a male date?

After all sauce, goose, gander and so forth...

And then have the male date present him with a set of divorce papers.


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post #62 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:19 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

I'd just change the locks the next time he goes on a date. But that's just me.

When he brings the police around, I'd just say, "I'm sorry, officer, but my husband was on a date with two women, wouldn't let me come along, so I figured he'd be shaking up with them for the night."

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post #63 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 09:06 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

Didn't make it very far into your post.

Are you a flat scruffy object that people step on going through front doors?

You seriously allow yourself to be with a man like this?
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post #64 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 07:16 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

@newme27 there's going to be an argument regardless. Count on that. Timing won't matter in the least.

It's a big mistake to think your H is innocent in this. He's dating another woman right in front of you. With your blessing because you aren't giving him boundaries.

It's also foolhardy to think he's being pushed by his friends. That's a cop out. He's an adult. He makes his own decisions. He's loving this.

I wouldn't let him touch me with a ten foot pole after his dates. Or ever again without std tests. It's a mistake to think he hasn't gone physical with one of these women. Do you really think he's that upstanding? He's not. He's dating another woman!Doesn't matter if she lives thousands of miles away, they could easily get together on these dates.

I realize you want to discuss it with him now. But haven't you already discussed with him how you don't want him to do this? Why do you think it'll be different this time?

It's important to have some sort of proof his actions aren't honorable toward the marriage before you talk to him again. Then he can't lie or gaslight you.

But i think you truly don't want to find out. You are whitewashing this. And there's a ton of stuff you don't know, by your own admission. You should stop treating him like a fragile kid. He's a man and your husband. But your husband is dating another woman. If he's got the balls to do this right in front of you, I doubt He's some wallflower.

Last edited by lucy999; 03-17-2017 at 07:20 AM.
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post #65 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 10:16 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

It is pointless to try to negotiate with someone who thinks they are holding all the cards and who doesn't really care about how you feel. Having yet another discussion about something when he is clearly unwilling to take your feelings into account is also pointless. This is where so many people get hung up on not knowing what to do.

The next step, when someone disregards your feelings and especially when they disregard healthy boundaries, is to have consequences, which are clearly defined as being due to their lack of regard for your concerns. I'm not talking punishment. I'm talking natural consequences.

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post #66 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 11:43 AM Thread Starter
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I think I am going to talk to him about it again but with more of an emphasis on the fact that this is not sustainable for our marriage. It's up to him to decide whether he wants to risk it or not.
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post #67 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:02 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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I think I am going to talk to him about it again but with more of an emphasis on the fact that this is not sustainable for our marriage. It's up to him to decide whether he wants to risk it or not.
You'd better be ready to back this up, or he will never listen to another word you say.

Let him know he is free to choose to go on these ridiculous "dates" but it is not something you are willing to tolerate within a marriage. So if he makes the choice to go, you make the choice to end it....tell him to stay gone because you will be done. Make sure you pack his crap and have it waiting for him outside for when he returns. (because he will, he doesnt believe you, remember...) Maybe even change the locks while he is gone. (people will tell you that you cant do this, but fck that, yes you can) Once he is out, dont contact him, leave any initiation up to him, and keep response to a minimum. The other approach you can take is to be gone when he gets home...pack your stuff and take it with you, making sure he sees you really are good and gone. Then dont contact him. File for divorce. (people will tell you not to leave the house, but sometimes you do what you gotta do)

So make sure you are ready for this.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #68 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 01:43 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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I think I am going to talk to him about it again but with more of an emphasis on the fact that this is not sustainable for our marriage. It's up to him to decide whether he wants to risk it or not.
It is better to be prepared so that if he decides to test you on this, you are ready. Get a book on divorce in your state. Read it and understand the probable outcome as well as your rights and responsibilities. You might also seek legal counsel in advance, once you have read the book and have a good idea of what you're looking at should he decide he'd rather not take your boundaries into account when living his life.

It will take a bit longer if you do this, but it could save you years of headache and pain down the road. If you're going to give him an ultimatum or do something drastic, be sure you are ready for the fall out. Hopefully he will realize that he's in trouble and will change his ways, but if he doesn't you are ready.

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post #69 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 01:47 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
You'd better be ready to back this up, or he will never listen to another word you say.

Let him know he is free to choose to go on these ridiculous "dates" but it is not something you are willing to tolerate within a marriage. So if he makes the choice to go, you make the choice to end it....tell him to stay gone because you will be done. Make sure you pack his crap and have it waiting for him outside for when he returns. (because he will, he doesnt believe you, remember...) Maybe even change the locks while he is gone. (people will tell you that you cant do this, but fck that, yes you can) Once he is out, dont contact him, leave any initiation up to him, and keep response to a minimum. The other approach you can take is to be gone when he gets home...pack your stuff and take it with you, making sure he sees you really are good and gone. Then dont contact him. File for divorce. (people will tell you not to leave the house, but sometimes you do what you gotta do)

So make sure you are ready for this.
This straight up!
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post #70 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:21 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
You'd better be ready to back this up, or he will never listen to another word you say.

Let him know he is free to choose to go on these ridiculous "dates" but it is not something you are willing to tolerate within a marriage. So if he makes the choice to go, you make the choice to end it....tell him to stay gone because you will be done. Make sure you pack his crap and have it waiting for him outside for when he returns. (because he will, he doesnt believe you, remember...) Maybe even change the locks while he is gone. (people will tell you that you cant do this, but fck that, yes you can) Once he is out, dont contact him, leave any initiation up to him, and keep response to a minimum. The other approach you can take is to be gone when he gets home...pack your stuff and take it with you, making sure he sees you really are good and gone. Then dont contact him. File for divorce. (people will tell you not to leave the house, but sometimes you do what you gotta do)

So make sure you are ready for this.
You can change the locks, but so can he. You can't legally bar a spouse from his residence.

I would phrase the issue a little differently. Yes, it's about him dating another woman, but it goes even deeper than that. Even if there is absolutely nothing going on, not even flirting, the deeper issue is that he does not seem to care about your discomfort. He doesn't have your back. Having each other's backs is a core principle of marriage. Everything else in the relationship should be based on this. He is willing to cause you pain simple because it suits him to do something that is hurtful to you. And it's not something that is weird or that you are overreacting about.


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post #71 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband's double dates

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You can change the locks, but so can he. You can't legally bar a spouse from his residence.

I would phrase the issue a little differently. Yes, it's about him dating another woman, but it goes even deeper than that. Even if there is absolutely nothing going on, not even flirting, the deeper issue is that he does not seem to care about your discomfort. He doesn't have your back. Having each other's backs is a core principle of marriage. Everything else in the relationship should be based on this. He is willing to cause you pain simple because it suits him to do something that is hurtful to you. And it's not something that is weird or that you are overreacting about.
I think that's exactly what i need to say to him. At this time when we're trying to make things better, i need you to have my back, i need you to do this for me, i need you to show them and me that i am supposed to be by your side. And that even if you think it's not a big thing, it's a big thing to me and i need you to make it right for me. Making it right for me should be the priority over what your friends might want, and even what you might want with them at this time.

I honestly even think that if he lays off and does this for a while and we get back to normal that it wouldn't bother me so much- at least i hope so. it didn't use to bother me so much in the early days of our marriage, it was such a long time ago- i don't know if i just don't remember or they didn't go out as much or we were just really happy so it didn't register, but right now i physically can not function with this going on.
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post #72 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband's double dates

I think that's exactly what i need to say to him. At this time when we're trying to make things better, i need you to have my back, i need you to do this for me, i need you to show them and me that i am supposed to be by your side. And that even if you think it's not a big thing, it's a big thing to me and i need you to make it right for me. Making it right for me should be the priority over what your friends might want, and even what you might want with them at this time.

I honestly even think that if he lays off and does this for a while and we get back to normal that it wouldn't bother me so much- at least i hope so. it didn't use to bother me so much in the early days of our marriage, it was such a long time ago- i don't know if i just don't remember or they didn't go out as much or we were just really happy so it didn't register, but right now i physically can not function with this going on.
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post #73 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:35 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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I think that's exactly what i need to say to him. At this time when we're trying to make things better, i need you to have my back, i need you to do this for me, i need you to show them and me that i am supposed to be by your side. And that even if you think it's not a big thing, it's a big thing to me and i need you to make it right for me. Making it right for me should be the priority over what your friends might want, and even what you might want with them at this time.

I honestly even think that if he lays off and does this for a while and we get back to normal that it wouldn't bother me so much- at least i hope so. it didn't use to bother me so much in the early days of our marriage, it was such a long time ago- i don't know if i just don't remember or they didn't go out as much or we were just really happy so it didn't register, but right now i physically can not function with this going on.
Reading this is so frustrating because I now understand why men claim they don't know what women want. I'd encourage you to reread this entire thread. Everyone here has told you that you need to raise the bar in your marriage- your husband is walking all over you and dating other women right in front of you because you don't know how to set boundaries.

It bothers you period. It needs to stop. Not for a while until you feel good again- it needs to stop as long as he's married to you.

Reading this makes me think that your husband doesn't know how serious this issue is for you because you don't know how serious it is to your marriage. For some reason, you're afraid to set healthy boundaries in your marriage.

And I really would not get into a discussion about how he "needs to have your back." All that's going to do is give him ways to prove to you he does, while still taking other women out to dinner without you. State the facts- you're dating other women while you're married to me. Not acceptable.
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post #74 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:43 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

You really need to read the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". The reason I say this I that you do not seem to understand what a person has the right to ask and expect in a marriage. Hopefully the books will give you some words to use in talking to your husband.

You also need to read a book or two about setting boundaries. In an earlier posts someone posted a good, strong boundary statement. You need to read and reread that post until you own those words and can use them.
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post #75 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 04:25 PM
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Re: Husband's double dates

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I honestly even think that if he lays off and does this for a while and we get back to normal that it wouldn't bother me so much- at least i hope so. it didn't use to bother me so much in the early days of our marriage, it was such a long time ago- i don't know if i just don't remember or they didn't go out as much or we were just really happy so it didn't register, but right now i physically can not function with this going on.
NOPE. Your husband going out like this SHOULD upset you! Its NEVER OK! Stop rolling over and going belly up! GOOD LORD!!

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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