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post #1 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:28 AM Thread Starter
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Husband's double dates

My husband has been going out with a married male friend and 2 single female friends. It didnít bother me the first few years, because it didnít make me feel like they were more special than me at that time. They go out 4-5 times a year - usually for birthdays. My issue is that I have been told I am not welcome to go with them. They want it to be just them. He never takes me out on dates alone or with other couples. We only go out as a family. When we do go out it's usually for our anniversary and I'm the one who always plans it- he takes no initiative in trying to make it special.
I feel like I should be able to go with them if I want to. He encourages us spending time with the married male friend and his family- so he has no issue with me interacting with the male friend. But I'm not allowed to join when it's their foursome going out. To me it's like watching my husband plan, get ready and go out on a double date every few months, he stresses out about finding a date that works for all of them, and has even made the restaurant reservations for them.
The other wife doesn't seem to care, but her husband is a social butterfly and it's a different marriage dynamic - she is dependent on him for everything- he also takes her out a lot, so maybe she doesnít feel slighted.

He thinks I'm being irrational. I think it's disrespectful to me and our marriage. I hate that he spends more energy on them than on me. Iíve asked him to make more of an effort for us to go out on dates and to plan things every once in a while so itís not always me. He's never carried it out. Over the past couple of years if I ask him to go out, just us, he always says no- he uses the excuse that he doesn't want to spend the money or if we're doing something else as a family that weekend he thinks that's enough. He doesn't seem to have a problem putting in the same kind of effort into going out with this group. He will schlep to the city and spend money at a really nice, trendy restaurant with them without a problem.

What also bothers me is that this is the only group of friends he shuts me out of; actually the women are who he is shutting me out from, because we socialize a lot with the male friend and his family. Some say he probably wants to be able to let his hair down, but he doesn't seem to have any problem letting his hair down when Iím around all his other friends, everyone else in his life I am welcome to be with. Old high school friends, college friends, other work colleagues. It's these 2 women that he all of a sudden can't have me be there for. These are the only group of friends he keeps me from- any other group he expects me to be there for when there are Bbq's or group family dinners - even when he takes work colleagues out- he's asked me to meet them - so it's not like he's ashamed of being out with me. Why is this the only set of friends I'm banned from - I think it's completely wrong and disrespectful.

These are not Pre-me friends. These friends are old work colleagues. He met them after he met me- they know me- 2 of the 3 were at our wedding. So itís ok for them to come to our wedding but not ok for me to go out with them. It's not like they were friends before I was in the picture. So that's what makes it worse- it's not like I don't know them!
The last time they went out he called and requested for me to be ready for sex when he got home. So I feel something happened to get him worked up! I can't get over that in my head! Needless to say he didn't get it that night! I could not believe he actually asked me- he knows that i don't like him going out with them. How he thought I would be happy to sleep with him when he got home is beyond me- that's the thing, he doesn't seem to get how wrong it is. I just said I wasn't feeling like it. I didnít even talk to him about it because I didnít want to get into a huge fight, but I canít get over this situation. He would think Iím being ridiculous. He has never called on the way home from anywhere asking for sex so that was a first in general so I know it was the evening out with them that set this off, because this isnít a normal thing for us.
Our sex life is good, so thereís no reason for him to really look for it elsewhere.

I am not the type of wife that limits him in any way- he can do what he wants, buy what he wants, we both have friends we socialize with but my friends are always inclusive, they have never and would never put a condition on an outing saying that spouses are not welcome. The only exception is obviously if we're having a girlís night out, and I would expect to not be invited to a guy's night out and I encourage him to have those types of nights out. I think itís good to have time out with your girlfriends or guy friends. I don't have a problem with him having female friends or seeing them. Itís me being excluded on purpose that is my problem. I don't think I would feel the need to go everytime if I was at least invited and it was left up to me to go or not go and that it isn't a surprise to the others when I show up. Which way back the few times I went before I was banned, I got the feeling that some were surprised to see me there.

I work, I have my own money, it's not like we can't afford to go out together or separately. I have my friends and family, but I don't socialize with male friends without him and I donít prohibit my husband from ever going with me to spend time with my friends and family. It's always his choice whether to go or not. He is very anti social with my friends, and they notice, but they are always nothing but nice and inclusive with him when he does come out with us. I just don't feel comfortable with this arrangement they have. Itís not appropriate; it's disrespectful to me and our marriage. I donít know who this restriction is coming from and my husband is quick to defend his friends. If itís his friends who are putting this on him, he should show that his marriage is important by making me comfortable with this situation. What is being said and done that I can't be a part of? He is extremely against anyone knowing about any issues/problems we may be having in our marriage, so if he's discussing us when he's out, heís being a complete hypocrite because he strongly feels that it is not appropriate to talk about our problems with others. I do think that one of the women may have at one time had a thing for him and she has barely spoken to me in the past. The 2 times I went out with them before I got completely shut out she seemed miserable but I've seen pictures of them out on other occasions where she's all happy, so I have a feeling she's where this is coming from- but can't be 100% sure. His male friend has sometimes made comments about how this is a tradition, and it shouldn't be changed and has been a little snarky with me- so it may be coming from him too. I really think it's them putting pressure on him. I trust my husband not to cheat, I don't trust the others, and I think he needs to show them a strong marriage and put a stop to their disrespect. by including me, it would show me he cares and respects our marriage, and he shows them that I am what's important and he wants to spend time with them but with me as well and we should all be friends not just the four of them like some double date. I donít see what the problem is with saying, you know we rarely get to go out so we wanted to come out together and have a nice night out with you guys. Whatís so hard about that?

Am I being irrational? Again this is the only group of friends that he restricts me from. No restrictions on anyone else, including current work relationships. Iím scared to even bring this up to him again. I want to hope that he would take it seriously, but I'm afraid this is something that we won't reach agreement on and it'll be the end. It this has been something we have fought about in the past but I just can't continue to allow it over and over again for the rest of our lives. It gives me panic attacks just thinking about having to deal with the next time they decide to go out. A onetime dinner with a high school sweetheart to catch up is one thing, but this is a continuing ďtraditionĒ that they have going that I canít live with for the rest of my life.

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post #2 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:35 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

If my W did what your H is doing, D papers would be served.
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post #3 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:44 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

If my partner tried to pull this crap she would be my ex partner very quickly.You are been played for a fool and I would bet serious money that these female "friends" are attractive women.Ask him how would he feel about you taking up ballroom dancing lessons with a male friend and see how he reacts, the arrogant *******.
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post #4 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:46 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

The fact that he continues to do it even though he knows that it bothers you is disturbing & disrespectful. He's violating his vows. The next time he did this, he'd be coming home to an empty house. And as for the demand to be ready for sex, I would have put him on video chat & given him a big ass middle finger.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #5 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:47 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

I guess you gotta give it to your H for being able to get away with this, and have you go along with ...
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post #6 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:59 AM
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Husband's double dates

His behavior is absurd and your acceptance of it is sad and shows a lack of self confidence and self worth. Sorry to be blunt but TTH is my name.

All you have to do is decide on your boundaries and stick to them like glue - regardless of what he says or wants. These are YOUR boundaries. He's free to do what he wants and set his own boundaries but you MUST enforce your own.

ALL interactions with any OS "friend" in a relationship must be open and transparent. Any notion of "privacy" in an OS relationship is wholly inappropriate in a marriage.

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post #7 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 09:01 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

My boundaries wouldn't even allow a one time dinner with a high school sweetheart with the intent of catching up...

Just... no.

So disrespectful...

नमस्ते 🙏
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post #8 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 09:02 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

To be more explicit... next time just show up and join them. Don't ask. It's your right. That is if you don't want to confront.

You might even bring a date if you want to make a point. And make it an available and good looking one. Your H won't get the point any other way.

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post #9 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 09:07 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

My partner would never even suggest something like this and neither would I. I would never tolerate this disrespect and I would never disrespect him like this either.

You should not have let it come this far. You should have put your foot down the very first time. Nevertheless, it's not too late. You need to be serious about the boundaries you set because it communicates to your partner what you are willing to accept. Beyond dealing with this specific situation, you need to figure out what messages you've been sending your husband in the past for him to think this would be ok in the first place.
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post #10 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 09:19 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

OP, it sounds like you're afraid to have and maintain boundaries for some reason. By boundaries, I mean things that you will and will not tolerate in a relationship or from a partner. It sounds like you're very proud of having a relationship where you're not "limiting him in any way" so that he can do what he pleases. You like being the cool wife who's husband doesn't feel constricted by the relationship. I almost wonder if you're somehow afraid to stand up for yourself, or for some reason just think this is something you have to tolerate? In any case, if your husband was a great guy, your lack of boundaries might be just fine because it wouldn't occur to him to cross the reasonable lines of marriage even if you didn't insist. Unfortunately, it seems that your husband isn't that sort of man. He feels so free that he's not even willing to limit himself and is actively dating other women with your full knowledge. The fact that he knows you don't like it is apparently irrelevant to him. The fact that he's rubbing your nose in it, trying to manipulate you into thinking this is normal, and emotionally bullying you about your supposedly irrational jealousy, says nothing good about his character either.

There's a glaring lack of respect there. He doesn't respect you or your marriage enough to not date others, or to take your feelings into consideration. But you also don't respect yourself enough to say "no more" and really mean it. If you did, you would have at least separated, if not filed for divorce, immediately once it became clear that he doesn't respect you and doesn't really care how you feel.

You want a faithful husband. He wants a wife at home and the ability to date like a single man. I suppose you both lack boundaries. But apparently you're the only one who is bothered by the lack of them. Perhaps it's well past time to really think about what you're willing to tolerate from a partner. And what you're willing to do if your partner insists on repeatedly exhausting that tolerance. Not to punish him, but to remove yourself from a clearly disrespectful and hurtful situation that doesn't seem to be on the path to improvement.

ETA: By the way, take it from someone who once unwittingly found herself in that position, you being included in one of these little date evenings with his buddy and the two OW would not be the cure-all you seem to imagine. Instead, you'd be much more likely to find yourself having a rather spectacularly awkward night out with your husband and the woman who is clearly more important to him than you are, while everyone but you smirks and rolls their eyes about your presence. There's very little on this earth more humiliating than having it made very plain - in person - that you are actually the irritating, even somewhat laughable, third wheel to your husband and his mistress.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi

Last edited by Rowan; 03-16-2017 at 09:37 AM.
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post #11 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 09:25 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

It became not OK when you were not invited.
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post #12 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 09:58 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

Originally Posted by Rowan View Post
OP, it sounds like you're afraid to have and maintain boundaries for some reason. It sounds like you're very proud of having a relationship where you're not "limiting him in any way" so that he can do what he pleases.
@Rowan picked up on an excellent point here.
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post #13 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:04 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

I don't know what you think you have, but it's not a closed marriage and it's not to a faithful, devoted husband.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #14 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:05 AM
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Re: Husband's double dates

I only had to read one line into your original post to vote "Yes, this is inappropriate." I agree with everything the other posters have said. His behavior is disrespectful to you and to your marriage, and you need to draw some boundaries with him. If he wants to stay married to you, this behavior needs to stop.

He says you're not welcome? WTF? You are MARRIED. That means you should be welcome to go anywhere he goes.

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post #15 of 95 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:11 AM Thread Starter
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He has had such adverse reactions to me wanting to join them- I know this might be what does us in- I'm terrified but I also know I can't continue to "let" this happen. He has to know there are consequences to this continuing. He won't go to counseling so it's very difficult to make him see the other side- he just wants what he wants and what he thinks is always right. I do go to counseling and am working to make our marriage better but this is the one thing I can't let go , not sweat, or work around which is what I have to do for his personality type. This is the one thing that I may have to say I'm done - if he can't give me this. Is divorcing over this an overreaction?
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