Husband's double dates
My husband has been going out with a married male friend and 2 single female friends. It didnít bother me the first few years, because it didnít make me feel like they were more special than me at that time. They go out 4-5 times a year - usually for birthdays. My issue is that I have been told I am not welcome to go with them. They want it to be just them. He never takes me out on dates alone or with other couples. We only go out as a family. When we do go out it's usually for our anniversary and I'm the one who always plans it- he takes no initiative in trying to make it special.
I feel like I should be able to go with them if I want to. He encourages us spending time with the married male friend and his family- so he has no issue with me interacting with the male friend. But I'm not allowed to join when it's their foursome going out. To me it's like watching my husband plan, get ready and go out on a double date every few months, he stresses out about finding a date that works for all of them, and has even made the restaurant reservations for them.
The other wife doesn't seem to care, but her husband is a social butterfly and it's a different marriage dynamic - she is dependent on him for everything- he also takes her out a lot, so maybe she doesnít feel slighted.
He thinks I'm being irrational. I think it's disrespectful to me and our marriage. I hate that he spends more energy on them than on me. Iíve asked him to make more of an effort for us to go out on dates and to plan things every once in a while so itís not always me. He's never carried it out. Over the past couple of years if I ask him to go out, just us, he always says no- he uses the excuse that he doesn't want to spend the money or if we're doing something else as a family that weekend he thinks that's enough. He doesn't seem to have a problem putting in the same kind of effort into going out with this group. He will schlep to the city and spend money at a really nice, trendy restaurant with them without a problem.
What also bothers me is that this is the only group of friends he shuts me out of; actually the women are who he is shutting me out from, because we socialize a lot with the male friend and his family. Some say he probably wants to be able to let his hair down, but he doesn't seem to have any problem letting his hair down when Iím around all his other friends, everyone else in his life I am welcome to be with. Old high school friends, college friends, other work colleagues. It's these 2 women that he all of a sudden can't have me be there for. These are the only group of friends he keeps me from- any other group he expects me to be there for when there are Bbq's or group family dinners - even when he takes work colleagues out- he's asked me to meet them - so it's not like he's ashamed of being out with me. Why is this the only set of friends I'm banned from - I think it's completely wrong and disrespectful.
These are not Pre-me friends. These friends are old work colleagues. He met them after he met me- they know me- 2 of the 3 were at our wedding. So itís ok for them to come to our wedding but not ok for me to go out with them. It's not like they were friends before I was in the picture. So that's what makes it worse- it's not like I don't know them!
The last time they went out he called and requested for me to be ready for sex when he got home. So I feel something happened to get him worked up! I can't get over that in my head! Needless to say he didn't get it that night! I could not believe he actually asked me- he knows that i don't like him going out with them. How he thought I would be happy to sleep with him when he got home is beyond me- that's the thing, he doesn't seem to get how wrong it is. I just said I wasn't feeling like it. I didnít even talk to him about it because I didnít want to get into a huge fight, but I canít get over this situation. He would think Iím being ridiculous. He has never called on the way home from anywhere asking for sex so that was a first in general so I know it was the evening out with them that set this off, because this isnít a normal thing for us.
Our sex life is good, so thereís no reason for him to really look for it elsewhere.
I am not the type of wife that limits him in any way- he can do what he wants, buy what he wants, we both have friends we socialize with but my friends are always inclusive, they have never and would never put a condition on an outing saying that spouses are not welcome. The only exception is obviously if we're having a girlís night out, and I would expect to not be invited to a guy's night out and I encourage him to have those types of nights out. I think itís good to have time out with your girlfriends or guy friends. I don't have a problem with him having female friends or seeing them. Itís me being excluded on purpose that is my problem. I don't think I would feel the need to go everytime if I was at least invited and it was left up to me to go or not go and that it isn't a surprise to the others when I show up. Which way back the few times I went before I was banned, I got the feeling that some were surprised to see me there.
I work, I have my own money, it's not like we can't afford to go out together or separately. I have my friends and family, but I don't socialize with male friends without him and I donít prohibit my husband from ever going with me to spend time with my friends and family. It's always his choice whether to go or not. He is very anti social with my friends, and they notice, but they are always nothing but nice and inclusive with him when he does come out with us. I just don't feel comfortable with this arrangement they have. Itís not appropriate; it's disrespectful to me and our marriage. I donít know who this restriction is coming from and my husband is quick to defend his friends. If itís his friends who are putting this on him, he should show that his marriage is important by making me comfortable with this situation. What is being said and done that I can't be a part of? He is extremely against anyone knowing about any issues/problems we may be having in our marriage, so if he's discussing us when he's out, heís being a complete hypocrite because he strongly feels that it is not appropriate to talk about our problems with others. I do think that one of the women may have at one time had a thing for him and she has barely spoken to me in the past. The 2 times I went out with them before I got completely shut out she seemed miserable but I've seen pictures of them out on other occasions where she's all happy, so I have a feeling she's where this is coming from- but can't be 100% sure. His male friend has sometimes made comments about how this is a tradition, and it shouldn't be changed and has been a little snarky with me- so it may be coming from him too. I really think it's them putting pressure on him. I trust my husband not to cheat, I don't trust the others, and I think he needs to show them a strong marriage and put a stop to their disrespect. by including me, it would show me he cares and respects our marriage, and he shows them that I am what's important and he wants to spend time with them but with me as well and we should all be friends not just the four of them like some double date. I donít see what the problem is with saying, you know we rarely get to go out so we wanted to come out together and have a nice night out with you guys. Whatís so hard about that?
Am I being irrational? Again this is the only group of friends that he restricts me from. No restrictions on anyone else, including current work relationships. Iím scared to even bring this up to him again. I want to hope that he would take it seriously, but I'm afraid this is something that we won't reach agreement on and it'll be the end. It this has been something we have fought about in the past but I just can't continue to allow it over and over again for the rest of our lives. It gives me panic attacks just thinking about having to deal with the next time they decide to go out. A onetime dinner with a high school sweetheart to catch up is one thing, but this is a continuing ďtraditionĒ that they have going that I canít live with for the rest of my life.